I spent the entire summer in the hospital, watching over my mom. Napakahina na ni Mama, and it scared the hell out of me. Kilala na ako ng mga nurse by name, and the doctors stopped sugar-coating things around me. I learned to read her monitors, know when she was in pain before she even said a word, and I got pretty good at making her smile even when she was too tired to laugh. Pakiramdam ko tuloy, tumanda ako ng sampung taon sa loob ng isang buwan.
Despite everything, my dad was there too, doing his best to care for her. It was awkward at first—he had a new family now, and things between us had been tense for a while. Pero habang tumatagal sa ospital, something shifted. He stopped being the man who left us, and I started to see him as someone who still deeply cared about my mom. Kahit hindi kami masyadong nag-uusap, his presence was comforting in a way I hadn’t expected.
Nung malapit na ang pasukan, halos nakalimutan ko na ang school. Paano ko pa maiisip yun kung mas importante sakin ang kalagayan ni Mama? Plano ko na nga sanang huminto na lang. Hirap na kami sa pera, kaya ayoko nang dumagdag pa sa problema. Pero matigas si Mama. Pinilit niya akong magpatuloy.
Ayaw ko siyang iwanan, but I knew she was right. So, I did what I had to do. I went to the school, filled out the forms, and enrolled myself for Grade 9. It felt strange, standing there among kids talking about their summer trips, habang ako, ang naiisip ko lang ay amoy ng antiseptic at tunog ng mga machine sa ospital. I felt out of place, like I didn’t belong in that world anymore.
Mas lumala pa nung nakuha ko yung schedule ko. Iba na yung section ng mga kaibigan ko. We had planned to stick together, pero parang pati yung kaunting normalcy na inaasahan ko, nawala pa. I felt even more isolated, surrounded by unfamiliar faces who hadn’t spent their summer in a hospital room.
The first day of class came and I walked in with nervousness gripping my chest. Lahat sila, parang gaan ng buhay, parang walang bigat sa puso. Hindi tumigil ang mundo para sakin. Everyone was moving on with their lives, smiling as if walang problema. Naisip ko, halata kaya sa itsura ko na iba na ako ngayon, na buong summer kong hinarap ang laban na hindi nila maiintindihan?
But I had to push through. Mom needed me to do this, to keep moving forward.
Pagdating ng math class, the usual introductions happened, isa-isa kaming pinatayo sa harap. Our teacher, Ms. Meryjane Santos, fresh graduate daw. Maganda siya, at kahit bagong pasok, kinaya niyang magpatahimik ng maiingay sa klase. First day pa lang, nagturo na agad siya, pinaramdam sa amin na hindi magiging madali ang lesson at hindi ka papasa kung pachill-chill ka lang.
"Remember, the standard form is..." She grabbed a chalk and wrote on the blackboard:
ax² bx c = 0.
"Who can tell me what we call the solutions to these equations?"
Marami agad ang nagtaas ng kamay, pero ako, hindi. Hindi ko naman kasi alam ang sagot. Nagtawag si ma'am ng pangalan.
"Roots po, ma'am?" sagot ng isang babaeng hindi sigurado.
"Tama! And what formula do we use to solve for these roots?"
A boy sitting in front confidently answered, "The quadratic formula, x = \(\frac{-b \pm \sqrt{b^2 - 4ac}}{2a}\)."
"Tama! Now, I’m going to divide you into groups, and each group will solve a different quadratic equation."
Wala pa man siyang nagdedivide, mukhang decided na agad ang ibang mga estudyante kung sino ang gusto nilang makasama sa grupo. Napunta ako sa grupong magkakakilala na. Tahimik lang akong naupo sa tabi nila.
Ms. Santos handed out worksheets to each group. "You have 15 minutes. Work together and make sure everyone understands the solution. I’ll be around if you need help."
Pinanood ko lang sila habang sinasagutan nila yung worksheet. Somehow, familiar ang lesson. I'm pretty sure naituro na sa akin ni Jal ito dati.
"Okay, so we should use the quadratic formula here. Jamie, ikaw bahala sa calculations ha," sabi ng isa.
"Sure. Let’s see… b² - 4ac gives us…"
Lily, one of the quieter students in our group, hesitantly interrupted, "Wait, I think the discriminant should be negative. That means there’s no real solution, right?"
The others exchanged glances, and Jamie shook his head. "No, the discriminant is positive, so there are two real roots."
Lily looked unsure but nodded, not wanting to push further.
When Ms. Santos reviewed the answers, she pointed out, "Actually, the discriminant is negative, which means there are no real solutions."
I saw Lily's face fall. She was right all along, pero wala nang nagsalita sa grupo namin.
After class, instead of going home, naglakad-lakad ako sa campus. Nadaanan ko yung classroom nina Prince at Jen. Hindi ko na maalala kung kailan huli kaming nag-usap. Now, they were laughing with their new friends. Everything had changed. Nakakalungkot isipin, parang kahapon lang, kasama pa ako sa tawanan nila.
Umalis na ako bago pa nila ako mapansin. Habang naglalakad, napansin ko ang grupo ng mga lalaki, nakasenior uniform sila. Isa dun si Jal, busy sa phone habang naglalakad. Lalapitan ko na sana siya pero biglang may babaeng lumapit sa kanya—si Marisole. Agad akong umiwas ng tingin.
Nagmadali akong umalis, diretso sa hospital para bisitahin si Mama.
"Kumusta ang school, anak?" tanong ni Mama, habang katabi ko si JM. Si Papang naman lumabas para bumili ng pagkain.
"Ayos naman po, Mama. Mababait po yung mga kaklase ko," sagot ko, kahit pinilit ko lang ngumiti. Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko.
"Kumakain ka ba ng maayos?" tanong niya, alalang-alala. I reassured her, "Oo po, Mama. Hindi po kami pinapabayaan ni Papang."
Ngumiti siya, it seems something lifted up her chest, Kay jm naman siya tumingin
"Ikaw jm, kumusta ang school?" Pinatong niya ang kamay sa ulo nito.
"Pasensya kana hu, Hindi kita nasamahan mageenroll" mabilis na dumaan ang sakit sa mga mata niya, yumuko ako, can't seem to bear the heavy of situations. Talagang nagbago na Ang lahat. Ang hirap paring tanggapin.
"Okay lang po mamang... Mamang... Kailan po kayo uuwi sa bahay?"
Inosenteng tanong ni Jm, he still not fully aware of the situation our mom was in. Mahirap ipaliwanag, and I don't think I would be able to explain mang condition without shedding a tear.
"Pasensya na jm, dito muna si mamang. Hindi ko pa kase kaya.... Pero hayaan mo... Kapag gumaling ako, lalabas tayo, ikaw, si ate mk, si papang ako, tayong buong pamilya, lalabas tayo, Kakain, magbobonding at nageenjoy , gusto mo ba yun?"
Mang voice is gentle, full of a hope that tears at my heart.
Nakuyom ko ang kamao ko ng madiin na halos bumaon na sa mga kamay ko.
Leukemia isn’t something you just get better from, especially not in the late stages. But i forces a smile as my little brother's eyes light up, his innocent belief in their mom’s words a sharp contrast to the reality weighing on me.
As much as I wanted to stay strong, habang naglalakad ako pauwi, hindi ko na napigilan. The tears I’d been holding back all day started to fall. Sa sobrang bilis ng lakad ko, nabangga ako. Muntik na akong matumba but a familiar hand caught me—si Jal. He looked at me, a mix of surprise and concern in his eyes.
"Hey, are you okay?" he asked softly.
I wiped my tears quickly, embarrassed to be caught in such a state. "I’m fine," pero ramdam kong kumakapit pa ang boses ko.
"You don’t look fine," Jal said, his gaze not leaving my face. "Did something happen?"
Umiling ako, forcing a smile. "Nothing, just... a rough day."
"Tell me what happened," he asked, his voice full of concern.
“Wala lang 'to, naiiyak lang ako kasi may nakaaway ako sa classroom,” I reasoned out, kung saan-saan dumapo ang mata ko, pilit iniiwasan ang titig niya.
“Where were you trying to go?”
Tumingin ako sa paligid. Madilim na, hindi ko na matanaw ang ospital, at tanging ilaw mula sa poste ang nagbibigay-liwanag sa kapaligiran.
“H-hindi ko alam.”
“Fuck... Mag-isa ka lang, umiiyak pa tapos sa liblib na lugar ka pa pumunta. Paano kung may mga loko-lokong nakakita sa'yo?!” Galit niyang tanong. Mas lalo akong naiyak, at mabilis na dumaan ang gulat at konsensya sa mga mata niya.
“So-sorry, huwag ka nang umiyak. Ano gusto mo, ice cream? Candy? Ano ba? Bibilhan kita, just don’t cry.” Sunod-sunod niyang tanong, trying to make me stop crying. Pero mas lalo lang akong umiyak. Hindi ko alam, my chest was tight with emotions I couldn’t quite grasp, but deep down, I knew it was the overwhelming mix of grief and the comfort his presence brought that made it impossible to hold back.
Umiyak lang ako nang umiyak, hanggang sa bigla niya akong niyakap.
“It’s okay, you can cry on my chest. I’ll apologize to your boyfriend when I see him tomorrow.”
Hinigpitan niya ang yakap sa akin. Hindi man nawala ang sakit, pero nabawasan ang bigat nito sa dibdib. It gave me the comfort that I didn’t know I needed the most.
Hindi ko alam kung ilang oras akong umiyak. Dapat sa mga ganitong pagkakataon ay nilalakasan ko ang loob ko, pero ewan ko ba, with him, I felt so weak. Parang hindi ko kailangan maging malakas. Hindi ko kailangang magpanggap na okay lang. Na pwede pala akong maging mahina. Being weak sometimes doesn’t make me any less strong. It just means I’m allowing myself to feel, to heal, and to find my way back to strength.
Nasa isang malapit na convenience store kami ngayon. After I cried my eyes out in his arms, hindi ko na alam kung anong mukha ang ihaharap ko. Nakaupo lang ako sa labas, habang siya naman ay nasa loob, bumibili ng makakain. Hiniling ko na sana ay tumagal pa siya sa loob, dahil hindi sapat ang isa o tatlong minuto para bumalik ako sa normal kong estado.
Pagbalik niya, may dala siyang dalawang cup ng ice cream. Inabot niya ang isa sa harap ko at ang isa naman ay sa kanya.
“Ice cream will make you feel better, I hope,” he said with his casual smile. Ngumiti ako pabalik bago kinuha ang spoon ng ice cream at mabagal na kumain. As I felt the sweetness of it in my mouth, napatingin ako sa kanya. Huminto siya sa pagkain nang mapansin ang pagtitig ko.
“Bakit? Ayaw mo?” he asked worriedly. Umiling ako.
“Jal, bakit? Bakit mo ako iniwasan, tapos ngayon nandito ka? Naawa ka ba? Will you avoid me again after this?” Sunod-sunod kong tanong.
He was taken aback pero agad din siyang nakabawi. Huminga siya nang malalim bago sumagot.