———
they told him the animal was special.
they were legendary creatures known mostly from spoken myths and incredibly rare to come by. they were supposed to be a magical crossbreed between dragons and horses, inhabiting deep woods of kweilin hills in china.
aurelius had never traveled past america and europe, and even so, the journey was not thrilling. the two females whose names he didn't quite remember led the way, stomping over thick roots of jungle trees. one of them must have been vinda rosier, who was grindelwald's favourite female acquisition from france. the other's name might have came to his ears but he was not in much mood for remembering such things.
again, he was on a mission. this one was supposed to be important.
they stayed in the shadows, following traces of magic a wizard left behind. they were not the only ones searching for a new-born animal. just how special could it be? aurelius didn't know. to be honest, he wasn't even that curious. what mattered was to get the job done and go back to his corner where he could close his eyes again.
wand in hand, he stopped. vinda and the other also stopped, listening closely. low huffs and groans of an animal came from not so far away. if he outstretched his neck, he would see a huge deer-like creature lying on the ground with a swollen belly and evident discomfort. it was said that qilins could live hundreds of years but only ever give birth once. tonight was first in over five hundred years. but it was not the animal that caught his attention.
it was the man who assisted the animal in birth.
his auburn hair looked very sweaty and dirty, as if he crawled his way through the forest. only one kind of madman would do that willingly.
as vinda rosier's hand rose, aurelius grabbed her by the wrist. with one look at her face, the woman grit her teeth and lowered the wand. maybe it was good to be feared sometimes. it did make him the boss of this entire journey and a judge of whose life to take and whose life to keep. newt scamander was not to die.
not when aurelius still remembered who the man was.
soon, the qilin let out a final growl as something tiny and ugly plopped on the ground. the fluids splattered on the ground as a baby qilin emerged. it made a few confused noises and blinked blindly before its mother came to greet him. aurelius watched numbly as the new family took their first steps together, before he closed his eyes in an exhale.
"kill the mother," he ordered quietly.
shots of green lights flashed across the darkness and collided with the animal's body. the qilin let out a loud groan before stumbling to the ground. newt scamander's reaction was incredibly fast. he waved his wand, casting a thick shield between himself and the ambush. as he grabbed the baby qilin, aurelius stepped ahead of his companions, turning the wand in his hand. he dragged it over the shield, cutting it open like a piece of cloth. sparks burst at the contact of two spells clashing, but it gave newt enough time to gather his things and run.
wordless now, the three of them followed. spells kept enlightening the dark forest like an ominous sort of fireworks. vinda didn't spare killing curses flying around until she remembered that killing the qilin by accident would bring doom to all of them. they followed right behind, dodging the spells newt scamander sent their way.
"he's too fast," the other woman huffed. "aurelius, why don't you help a little?!"
he glared at her, but pushed in front of the other two anyway. the two women instinctively took a step back as he craned his head up to the sky and closed his eyes. he called for the storm inside him, feeling it rip through his body like poison-infested blades. and just like that, he exploded in a burst of dark, charging mass. within a second, he was blocking newt's way. the fear on the man's face increased as he dodged, running sideways. the dark hands of smoke were pulling at his shoulders. he stumbled, ripping himself away and jumping.
right into the falling abyss of a waterfall.
as his body clashed hard against the river's surface, aurelius sunk down. it was over before it could really begin.
particles of black smoke came back, forming his body. only then the two women dared approach with an open bag ready at hand. aurelius didn't look at them as they took the qilin and only gestured for them to leave first. he stayed, watching as the river washed newt's body on the shore alongside his case.
he approached slowly, staring at newt's face. he was coughing out water as his half-closed eyes tried to take in aurelius's steps. he didn't move when aurelius knelt next to him.
for just a moment, there was silence. then, when aurelius was sure the other two women disappeared, he said quietly.
"i'm sorry."
he left before newt's widening eyes could stop him.
———
the nurmengard castle greeted them with a huge slogan carved into the stone. for the greater good. for the greatest good of all time.
that's what they were supposed to believe when they handed the qilin to gellert grindelwald. aurelius watched as blinding happiness emerged on the man's face and let him embrace his shoulders.
"well done, aurelius."
he inclined his head.
"you did a good job today. go, have some rest."
by now, he definitely needed. his entire body and mind were buzzing in pain. he half-dragged himself inside, shutting the heavy door close behind him. in the entrance, he saw queenie goldstein standing at the window and watching. when she saw him, she grabbed him by the wrist.
"come here," she whispered.
he looked at her questioningly, but followed. gellert grindelwald was still standing outside, with the qilin wandering blindly on trembling legs.
"do you know why qilins are special?" she asked quietly.
he shook his head. queenie didn't look at him as she explained.
"they have a gift of perception. they can see into your soul and decide whether you're a good man or bad. if they find you to be pure of heart, they will bow."
for whatever reason grindelwald wanted the qilin, aurelius didn't know. but he did suppose that it was the bow that grindelwald was waiting for. and he waited, and waited, and waited more, but the baby qilin only kept circling around, nibbing at the sparse plucks of grass on the ground. queenie's bottom lip trembled, and soon aurelius learnt why.
gellert grindelwald took the animal into his arms in an illusion of affectionate embrace. then, a flash of blade mirrored the rays of sun. blood began pouring onto the ground, soaking grindelwald's clothes and stones he stood on. he tossed the dead qilin aside like a piece of trash, letting blood still pour from the slit on its throat.
queenie closed the curtains, turning to aurelius with a knowing look in her eyes. as for him, he didn't have to read her thoughts to know they were thinking about the same thing.
this was never what they wanted. none of it.
———
in his bedroom, he didn't bother taking off his clothes before his body fell limply on the mattress. he knew that he definitely overdid it this time. his vision came flashing black as blood pumped through his veins with increased difficulty. his heart was in constant arrhythmia, and now it was speeding way too fast. he closed his eyes and tried to breathe through it. inhale and exhale, inhale and exhale.
it wasn't working.
struggling to get up, he half-crawled towards the dresser. his hands shook violently as he opened the vial and quickly swallowed down. this was not going to be pleasant and he knew it. in her last note, she had clearly stated that any purposeful exposures of his obscurial state could be fatal. at this rate, he was made out of poison. and so, the potion he swallowed would wrung that poison out of his body.
he almost didn't make it on time, crumbling to his knees over an open toilet lid. a vicious nausea had him bend in half as he coughed up a vile of dark, rotten blood. his body convulsed as wave by wave of vomit came out, each and every one more disgusting than the other. after a few minutes, he was sweating in cold shivers as his body positively burnt. he coughed out the last bits before he slumped, letting the pain curl his body up against the wall.
it must have been hours before he managed to heave himself up. throwing his clothes away, he splashed cold water on his body and let it wash away whatever dirt he acquired today. then, he came back to the room and flopped numbly on the chair in front of the dresser. now was stage two. in this one, his head was pulsing in pain, ringing his entire skull. for that, there was another potion. the last thing he wanted right now was to swallow anything, but he unscrewed the cork anyway and downed the greenish potion. it tasted like eucalyptus and helped the headache recede, alongside numbing the sharp pains in his stomach. he threw the empty vial aside and put his head in his hands, waiting.
and waiting.
and waiting.
and nothing.
because eventually, all medicine would stop having any effect. this was also included in her warnings, and aurelius remembered them bitterly. he should run from here while he still had any strength left in his legs. instead, he stayed glued to that chair in that same old room with the same old despair and a brand new hue to his hopelessness.
he glanced at himself in the mirror reflection. soon enough, he'd put ghosts in shame with how pale he could get while still staying miraculously alive. his skin used to be slick, but now it was nothing but sullen and haggard. this was not very promising, given the recent orders grindelwald bestowed upon him and the plans he wanted him to fulfil.
at least for now, he was left alone. maybe if he didn't survive the night, all of it would be over sooner. but for now, he stared into the mirror and allowed himself to feel nothing.
it was getting harder day by day, not only because of his physical health taking a steady slide down. it was in his head again, fuck, it was always in his head. it was always the same despair, only difference was what kind. these days more than ever he found himself wishing he had a home.
not the cold castle with prison bars adorning every corner. home, where fire flickered warmly in a fireplace even when the weather outside was cold and unfriendly. where he'd come back every evening after a long day and didn't immediately black out from pain. where someone would be waiting with warm arms, saying his name out loud with a smile on their lips. where he'd finally belong the way he was with all his broken pieces and all his uncovered futures.
aurelius thought about many people. elise was like a fever dream he wasn't sure had ever been real. he might have imagined her existence just to make himself feel better. modesty, wherever she was and whatever she was doing. newt scamander, who was probably on his way back home from that decrepit chinese jungle. tina, who had been nothing but kind. queenie, who shared that trait with her sister. and then unknown faces of his last remaining family, right at the very end, because it was at the end where bitterness tasted the sweetest.
because had they not abandoned him when he was born, life would be different. life would be life, and not a path of misery and destruction he left in his wake. had they found him disgusting? had they found his existence a burden not to carry? because he was still here even though many told him to go where he truly belonged and rot alongside sewer rats. he was still here in one piece, although sometimes he was an infinity of pieces and sometimes he was none.
he was, and they were, still so incredibly close and yet they didn't try to find him. that must have meant they never wanted to.
he sighed, reaching his hand towards the mirror.
he found it in some ancient store in one of the shady streets of london's wizarding community. it had been enchanted to work as a portal to transfer messages to both the dead and alive. it wasn't granted that the dead would reply, but they would hear him. at least that's what the seller had said. aurelius didn't care; it was not his money he was spending.
he thought about it for a while, but eventually he decided whose privacy he should break with an abominable reminder that he was still alive. as his hand rose, mist covered the glass. he moved the tip of his finger on the mirror, leaving traces on the fogged surface that turned into words. when he finished, he looked at it briefly before walking away and crumbling back in the bed.
on the surface of the mirror, the words slowly vanished. only the memory remained.
"i hate how you still haven't acknowledged my existence."