I look up from the bottom of the hole I've gotten myself into. It's not long before I realize I'm inside a pitch black pit in which the stones pile on top of another, green moss protruding from the edges. When I try to look up, I can only see endless rocks. There's no beginning in this place, just the end, which is we're I'm standing. So I grab my head with my hands, taking sharp turns every few seconds, only to realize that I'm trapped. Alone.
I place my hands in the rocks, trying to look for a way out, but the darkness is swallowing the place, blocking my vision. My eyes wander aimlessly around; I'm doing so many spins, and I feel like fainting. The scenery changes; I see my right hand punching the wall, screaming onto it until a bone breaks, and I wake up.
I hold my bed sheets tight after I sit up and look around. Desk, trash, drawers, closet, bed. This is my bedroom. And I'm fine. My heart pumps hard and fast at the nightmare. I try to breathe for a few minutes until reality sinks in; then I let out a relieved sigh and slump down on the bed, even though the sun is already shining.
"Good morning, love!" Someone's annoying voice says, while flying on top of me, from one end of the bed to the other.
I shush her, frowning. I want to sleep, I want silence, and rest, and numbness.
"I know yesterday was tough, but we can do something different today. Maybe paint outside, eat a greasy breakfast, go grocery shopping..." Daia talks so much that there's a moment when I want to slap her like a mosquitoe, but I dismiss that idea. I don't want to experience an earthquake again.
"Please... silence," I mumble, pressing my head against the pillow.
Daia sighs forcefully. That's when I know I've been testing her patience.
"Aster. Owens. Get up from that bed right now."
I open my eyes and turn around to see her. Although I appreciate her good intentions, yesterday was not only tough; it was draining to the point that my body feels like a dead weight, and I'm not strong enough to hold it up.
"Don't you have to work in Han's store?"
"I'm off today."
"So you're not getting up," Daia crosses her arms, waiting for me to do something.
"I don't have any energy to take on any tasks, ma'am. So if you would be so kind as to let me be," I say, voice rough from sleep and crying.
My fairy protector considers her options while staring at me. She's wearing black pants and a satin navy blue shirt with her usual gold jewelry. I should ask her where she gets her clothes from and where does she goes when she disappears out of nowhere. But that'll have to be another day when I'm not feeling like a chewed gum that was later stepped on multiple times. I think she notices that I look like crap, too—which is exactly how I feel—, because she sighs.
"Okay, but can you at least have breakfast and go to the restroom?" she asks, her little white eyebrows frowning.
I nod, feeling my chest tight at her worry. I don't feel comfortable with people caring about me; at the same time, when Daia pushes me to do small things that will make her less worried, I wonder if the tightness in my chest means that I appreciate it, and don't like to admit it.
Regardless, I comply with her request. I go to the bathroom, wash up, make myself two quick sandwiches, and go back to bed.
When I'm on the verge of falling asleep once again, a light breeze falls on my hair due to close movement. Then, a small hand caresses my head while I drift off. I picture Daia behind me, sitting on top of my pillow in an attempt to comfort me, and a small smile forms in my lips.
"Everything will be alright, love," she whispers. Her usual harsh voice becomes soothing.
In an impulse, I say, "Thank you" before nothingness is all I know.
I haven't been able to do much the past three days. I've only gone to work, where Han tries to make me laugh. He talks to me about messy people who come to the store and don't bother to say sorry when he cleans up with a murderous expression. He asks me about Evan, too, and every time my whole body tenses.
He knows something is wrong but doesn't push me to open up.
I told him that I didn't want to see Evan for now, that I'm not feeling well. The truth is, I just want to be left alone these days; my mind and body are tired from the past conversation with mom and the effort of trying to do basic stuff. Honestly, I don't want to try. I wish I had the energy, but it's useless. All I want to do each day is lay down on my bed to find out if it will relieve the burden that's my body; it's such a heavy one that if someone adds to it, I might not be able to stand up again.
But I have to get up from time to time because I have Daia with me every hour of every day, and it's impossible for her to let something slide. Not brushing my teeth for a day? There'll be consequences. No breakfast? Earthquake. No shower? End of the world. She's strict and stubborn, and sometimes I scream at her in my head. I don't dare do it aloud because I don't want to find out if she's capable of melting me into a human puddle or something else.
Regardless, I've been complying with her regime. The only thing I have refused to do is meet Evan. For some reason, when I think of seeing him, my head feels too light, and my body too heavy. And it's weird because last time I thought I had a good time after so long, and now... Now, it feels better to avoid him at all costs.
"You know you're isolating yourself unconsciously?" Daia whispers in my ear like it's a secret, and it makes me get my head out of my thoughts.
I keep my eyes in the window while I look at a girl walking with her fairy protector in her hand. She's talking to him, and she's so young. I wonder how she must feel to have one; I guess it's similar to my experience, but it makes my heart ache. What happened to her? Still, she's laughing with the little man, who looks as somber as night with a formal suit and an 1800's style hat that looks kind of funny on him. The blonde girl talks to him enthusiastically, and he just listens.
"Are you ignoring me?" I slap her away from my ear because she's making it tingly before turning around.
"Can you stop bothering me?"
She narrows her eyes at me, putting her hands forward in a clarification gesture, "So you do know?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," I lie, and head to my bed to sleep a little bit more. This is what I've done all day: get up, look out the window, fight with Daia, and go back to sleep.
Daia growls, making me stop in my tracks.
She flies until her body is in front of my face. Her voice is so low, I'm scared she will actually melt me when she says, "You've been acting like these for days. I know your mom is an asshole who had no right to come here to tell you all that bullshit, but you have to get it together."
"I am fine, okay?" I spit out, giving her my back so we're done with this conversation.
"Aster," she snaps, and my body freezes. I turn around slowly to face her. She takes a deep breath before she says, "I know it sucks. I know this is consuming you from the inside, and you're not sure how to make it stop, but that's what I'm here for.
"I'm here to help you and support you until you feel better, but I really need you to help me here. Otherwise, we won't get anywhere. Even if you don't want to do things, talk to me, tell me why..."
"I don't have the strength," I yell, my eyes burning with tears. "I don't have any strength anymore. I don't want to try, or fight, or talk, I just want to rest. I want to be alone. Please."
Daia shakes her head while she looks at me crying. Her eyes wander down to the floor, and the only things I can hear are my shaky breaths from my sudden sobs.
I don't say anything else; instead, I lay in bed and close my eyes. For thirty minutes, I try to sleep, but I'm not able to. I don't know where Daia is or why I can't sleep, so I press the pillow against my head.
There are a few knocks on the door. Fast, and strong knocks that make me groan internally.
"Leave, please, leave." It must be Evan. He came looking for me yesterday, but I pretended that I wasn't at home.
The knocks continue. They get more urgent every second that passes, so I'm forced to get up from bed. Daia is nowhere to be seen; if she was here, she would've told me who was outside so I didn't have to stand up. But she's not, so I walk silently to the door and peer through the little hole.
I let out a "What the hell?" before I'm able to force my mouth shut because there is a fairy protector outside. I take a few seconds to analyze the fairy; he's a redhead with a beard like Santa Claus, and it's wearing a green suit. His eyes are green, too, and he looks like he's seventy years old. Maybe it's just because of the beard.
I open the door slowly, wondering why this man is knocking on my door. When he sees me, his wings flap even more hectically. He doesn't say hi or introduces himself.
Instead, what I hear from a hoarse voice is, "Are you Aster?"
"Uh... yeah, who are...?"
"Can you please help me? Evan is not listening to me. Please," he begs, his eyes wander over my face before taking a glance at Evan's door and returning back to me.
"Evan? What? Evan has a fairy protec-...?"
"Aster, I need you right now. He's having a panic attack." The moment he finishes saying that, we both run—well, the fairy flies, and I run—toward Evan's apartment because we hear glass breaking.
When I get there, I take a moment to see the shiny wood floor from how clean it is. It looks like everything is where it's supposed to be. There aren't any dishes in the kitchen sink at my right, no misplaced papers or packages in the living room; the complete opposite of my apartment.
"This way," says the fairy, and I follow him hastily.
My heart is pumping so fast that I feel like fainting. My breathing becomes irregular, and I hold it without noticing. The closer we walk toward a room, the more I hear strained breaths. I see Evan through the door frame, collapsing against the wall, clutching at his neck like he can't breathe. His face is so red I barely recognize him, and my stomach falls at the sight. I rush toward him, kneeling in front of his trembling body.
"What's wrong? Why are you like this? Evan," I call his name, trying to make him react, but I think my presence makes it worse. Evan widens his eyes at me and shakes his head furiously, trying to take my hands off him in a clumsy manner.
"Evan, take a deep breath. You are safe," says the green-suited fairy in such a calm voice. He is beside me and looks like he knows what he's doing. On the contrary, there's me; I have no clue what you're supposed to do when someone is having a panic attack.
Evan pushes his legs outward, in some way trying to distance his body from us.
"No, no, no," he chokes out. "Why are you...no."
In a desperate impulse, I put my hand in his cheek and hold tight; my eyes never leave his soft-teary ones.
"Listen to me, you can breathe. You can do it. Do it with me," I say, voice shaking. "One in, and one out... That's right, yes. Look at me. One in, one out. You're safe with me. You're safe."
I sigh when he starts following me, tears sliding down his cheeks while his eyes glare at mine. Evan closes his eyes a second, but I don't want him to lose focus. I grab his nape, forcing him to look at me, and he resumes the breathing pace, though it takes more time for it to be consistent like mine.
"There you go," I whisper when he starts breathing well. "You are doing so good."
Evan's eyes are red and wide, his cheeks streaked with tears. I don't think he has assimilated the fact that I'm here holding him because his hands clutch onto my arms hard, and I let him.
A minute later, his grip softens, but he isn't focused on me.
He focuses his attention on the fairy.
"This was not your best meet-up idea, Rupert," Evan says, breath ragged but more stable than before.
¿Meet-up idea? ¿Rupert?
"You didn't listen. It's the first time you've been so entranced," answers the fairy that now I know is called Rupert.
I sit back down on the floor, the adrenaline wearing off and making me realize what is going on. Evan has a fairy protector like me. He had a panic attack three minutes ago that made me freak out, and I forgot all about ghosting him.
Evan and Rupert discuss something that I'm not able to hear anymore. I grab my head with my hands, looking at Evan like I want to make sure that he's fine. At the same time, I want to strangle him so bad... He lied to me. Why didn't he tell me he had a fairy?
I stand up and start making my way out of the apartment. The voices quiet down, but I don't care right now. All I'm thinking over and over again is what an asshole I am. I'm not sure if I'm mad at myself, or at him, or—
"Aster, wait." A hand wraps around my wrist, making me stop in front of the door.
I turn around to find Evan, face full of regret; he pleads me with his brown eyes.
"I'm sorry. I didn't want you to find out this way, but I wanted to tell you. I mean, I was going to, but I..." I don't think he's able to say what he thinks how he wants because he holds my wrist tighter and lets out a curse under his breath, probably because I've got an "are you serious?" expression.
My head plays with me by reminding me the first time he went into his grandad's store, where I found glitter trails that led outside. Was that him, too?
I don't have time to ask because there's a screech coming from behind me. The three of us turn around—because Rupert is watching us intently from a safe distance, too—, only to find Daia gaping at him like she's been betrayed.
She arches an eyebrow and points at him like there's an alligator in the house.
"Who in the world are you?" she squeals, eyes widened at the old bearded man.
He just smiles, eyes turning into lids.
"I'm Rupert."
Daia lets her fired up eyes wander in slow motion until they reach a fidgety Evan, and I'm not sure who's more furious; her or me.