"If you loved me once before
Could you love me once again?
Say that I'm a bitter man
But I was still a friend
Help me understand
Why I lose in the end"
Author's note: Just a quick notice. This chapter contains some R-rated writing. More so than usual I think. If you are uncomfortable with that, skip to the chapter's end.
𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗 44: 𝕷𝡣𝖛𝖊 𝖎𝖘 𝖁𝖎𝡣𝖑𝖊𝖓𝖈𝖊
-I have missed you... It felt like forever.- The feel of his hand caressing my skin as his voice got lost at the nape of my neck made me surpass a moan. I struggle to resist, to stay true to myself yet my resorts are melting under his touch, his voice... It's making me dizzy, weak.
-Did you? Truly?- A shadow of a doubt is there. The one I want to ignore, it's fading, but it's still there.
-Of course! I missed holding you. I missed your beautiful face, that little sigh you do when I first enter you... I miss the feel of you, of me in you. God, Violet, I will go crazy.- As if to prove his point his grip on my tight became urgent and rough and his lips ascended on mine in a hurry. The surface of a couch is uncomfortable under me but even that can be ignored. It's not like I anticipated this situation. Sex was off the table. It may still be if I can resist.
-Easy, maybe we shouldn't...- My voice is coming out breathless, Nicholas's weight heavy over me, crushing me under his prominent build. His hips are pressed between my legs, making me ache for our clothes to disappear. I would be a hypocrite if I said I don't want this. It has been a while since we...
-But I want you. I need to feel you. Tell me you didn't miss me, tell me you didn't miss us together?- His hand shifted from my hip to my breast before he roughly squeezed it and brushed my nipple with his thumb.
-Ah... You know I did. I missed this... But...- My thoughts are getting clouded. The way his lips are molding into the skin of my neck is driving me insane. His kisses are all over me, needy and urgent then soft and loving as he kissed my cheek and the spot at the corner of my eye. It made me feel strangely warm.
His erection pressed more against me, rubbing me in all the right places. When I couldn't help myself but return the gesture, my hips moving on their own to bring more friction between us and Nicholas let out a groan. A hand pinched my nipple making a desperate sigh of my own leave my lips.
-You are not playing fair, Violet. You can't... You can't say we shouldn't do this and look as tempting as you do. That blush on your face is killing me. Your lips are killing me. The way you are looking at me is killing me.- To demonstrate his words Nicholas's lips met mine, at first only to bite me, to show me his frustration but a second later it became a desperation to taste more of me.
I can barely breathe. In between the kisses I am struggling to catch my breath. Our hands are hasty as we grasp for each other.
The sounds are too loud for my small apartment yet I can only hear them as in some haze. My breathing, his, the smacking noise of our lips, occasional moan and groan... We are lost. With parted lips I accepted his tongue, both of us stroking with dominance.
His hips are grinding into me, my thighs quickly wrapping around him, bringing him closer. It's insane how much I want to slip out of my shorts and T-shirt and just feel him bare. I know it will be good, It always was. But... What if this is all we are? Without sex, there is nothing to us. I want him to want me. All of me. With or without sex. As a partner. Also, if he keeps getting what he wants from me, will he truly choose to divorce? It's a petty thought, I know. I should be confident, I should trust him. However, something is telling me that I should learn how to play.
-Nicholas... Enough.- I barely got the strength to depart from him. My lips felt tingly, my throat raspy as I turned my head to the side. Nicholas didn't waste a moment as he bit hard on the spot of my neck, making my breath stop for a second, a sharp pain sending shivers through me.
-It's not enough. There can't be enough of you. Do you feel me? I need to be inside you. I fucking need you.- His hand wrapped around my breast, bringing it to his mouth. He didn't waste time lifting the shirt as his mouth closed around my nipple. A sharp sting of his teeth around it, before he started sucking. His hand shifted to the top of my shorts and I grabbed it in a last attempt to stay true to myself.
-Nick...- Fuck him for making me feel so weak. For making me feel so desperate. The whole thing is feeling less and less wrong. After all, this is who we are. I want him, and he wants me. So what if we have a relationship born from lust? There is nothing wrong with lust.
Or so I say to myself as his finger pressed delicately over my panties, making me arch my body and moan into his kiss. His hand is eager, his fingers drawing circles where I want it the most, making my stomach clench in anticipation. It really has been a while since I felt his touch.
Our lips are lazy against each other's. Our movement is in sync even as we can barely focus since our hands have wandered off. I returned the favor, both of us gasping and moaning, lost in desire. Nicholas's hand moved my panties to the side, and he groaned when his finger made direct contact with my opening.
-Fuck... You can't be this wet and not let me fuck you. Don't make me beg.- The words made me awfully giddy. I feel both shy and powerful from his words. There is nothing making me hotter than knowing how desperate he is for me. I can see it in his half-closed eyes, I can hear it in his husky voice with the groans and moans as he pushed two of his fingers inside me.
Yes, I am almost embarrassed. Or I would be if I had time to think about that and not about the way his fingers have curled and pressed over all of the right spots. I grasped onto his member, more in a way of holding on to it, forgetting about his pleasure but it doesn't look as if he minds. He looks like a man on a mission. His eyes are dimmed, glazed, and set only on me. He is breathing hard and I know he is barely holding on to sanity but still, I come first.
-You are gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous.- Oh, damn him. Damn him for looking at me like that, for making me feel gorgeous. Everything I held onto is slowly going down the drain.
My hands winded up around his neck as his thrusts became faster. I am a panting mess, getting closer and closer to my climax. Just as the familiar sensation built inside me, Nicholas pulled his fingers out of me making me frown in discontent. A smirk on his face told me it's intentional as he brought the same fingers to his lips. A blush deepened on my cheeks, even tho I felt hot enough as it is. Watching him close his eyes for a second before his gaze ended up on me once again.
-What? You are torturing me, love. I have to give some of it back. Oh, I missed your taste as well. Here...- The way his lips touched mine was intentional so that I could taste what he had tasted. His tongue brushed against my bottom lip before he trusted it into my mouth, both of us moaning into the kiss. His hand is pushing up my shirt, tracing the skin of my stomach before it moved to the shorts, slowly moving it out of the way, making me arch my hips to accommodate him.
He smiled but didn't stop kissing me while the shorts slid down my legs. Another gentle caress on my ankles before I became completely free of that one obstacle on our way. My heart started beating rapidly, I am much more aware of it than usual. Perhaps it's the anticipation, perhaps because every time I sleep with him it's like something new is happening. The sensation is never the same. Every time I feel bashful and a bit embarrassed, yet thrilled and eager as if I am experiencing sex for the first time.
My leg is around his hips as he moved his sweaters and I felt his member on my opening. This time he slowed down. Brushing against me, teasing me. Usually, I wouldn't mind slow. This man is impatient enough so that I know how fast he can get inside me. But not this time. Another card up his sleeves perhaps.
Everything about us it's a power play. Who will succumb? Who will beg? I know he wants me to beg as much as I want him to. The tingle of near orgasm is still there, on the surface and I know what I'm missing but I'll be damned if he hears me beg for it.
-What is it, Nick? I thought you missed me. Is this all?- It's not like me to taunt and I do find it awkward but knowing how Nicholas is looking at me is giving me the confidence I need.
-Oh I told you how much I missed you. I want to be inside you. Will you let me, Love?- He is throwing that word around today, my heart responds to it no matter how many times he says it. He moved up so that he was half sitting, his hands wandering over my stomach, moving the shirt out of his way. His member is still on my entrance, rubbing outside slowly, lazily, in a strange control over himself.
-I will... If you ask nicely.- I barely know what game we are playing anymore. We both know what we want. It's evident.
He smirked, bit his lip for a second, and narrowed his eyes at me.
-I always ask... It's up to you now. Just take me.- Ah... He pinched my nipple with his middle and pointing finger, making me arch off the bed, a shiver passing through me. It's embarrassing to watch him watch me. I'm sure we both look like a mess.
-Just put it in. If that's what you want.- A balance shifted, Nicholas is again in control as my hips started to buckle. It's becoming pointless as long as he's not doing anything to relieve my desire.
-Well, you were so confident before, not letting me in. I must respect your choices. Unless... You can show me it's what you actually want. Come on. Put me in you, love.- The last words he whispered against my lips, before he bit my lower lip, pulling it towards himself.
A moan escaped me as the tip of him grazed right where I wanted him and only now I notice the lewd sounds overcoming the room, as if the whole situation is not indecent enough.
I finally decided to move, having too much of this teasing. Fine, let him have it. After all, I can't imagine a man looking at me like this, ever getting tired of it. That must mean something.
Once in a while, I wonder if he was like this with anyone else. With his wife... Is he as passionate with her? Does he say all of the things he says to me? No... It mustn't be. He wouldn't be here if that was the case.
His move distracted me, the tip of him just at my entrance. He's holding onto my hips, ready to take me. His gaze asked me to end this suffering for both of us. My legs winded up around him, bringing him closer. Without much resistance, our bodies shaped together, fitting perfectly. A gasp escaped both of us as he slid all the way in. It has been so long.
-Oh, fuck. I won't last a second like this.- He leaned into me, his breath hot on my neck. His hands are gripping my thighs as he pushes even further into me. I could only moan and arch closer, wrapping my hands around his neck.
The feeling of him throbbing in me made me aware of how into this he is. I thought I was the desperate one but Nicholas is not far off. Not by the way he bit my neck, his hands moving to my ass, all the while not loosening his grip. As much as I wanted him in me, I needed him to move. It's not enough. There is this tingle in me, making me clench around him and he let out a moan.
-You must want this to be over already. I am barely holding on, Violet.-
-No, I want you to fuck me. I need you to show me how much you missed me. Show me how much you want me.- My voice has taken some different tone, almost unrecognizable even to me. My stomach clenched once more and my hands wandered all over his body, lifting his shirt and making him let me go so that he could take it off.
This made him move away from me. His hands gripped my chin a bit rough but nothing I couldn't handle. He made a move to get out of me, only the tip remaining. Making me feel hollow and aching.
-You are playing with fire. But I guess I should expect that from you. Well... you are responsible for this.- He left a deep kiss on my lips, not giving me a second to respond as he leaned away only to thrust into me with a force. Again, he eased out of me slowly before slamming in. Building his peace. Repeating it over and over again, every time letting me have less and less time to prepare myself for him.
My arms are holding onto him for dear life, my nails digging into his skin but it's becoming harder to keep up. I am switching between gasping and moaning, pretty sure my voice has reached some frequency that can disturb my neighbors. Yet Nicholas is merciless in his thrusts.
He's bringing my hips up to him, creating friction as he pushes all the way into me. The sound of our naked skin slapping against each other mixing with the wet sounds every time he enters me is obscene. It's driving me crazy. There is something akin to a fire going through my skin. Everything feels hot and tingly. Shivers are going from the tips of my toes all the way to the nape of my neck.
Finally, Nicholas slowed down his brute thrusts, his hand left my hips to focus somewhere better. He started with circles, gentle, slow. Enough to tease me and to let my sensitive body warm up to it. Not that I needed much. I can feel myself clenching. My stomach is tightening, my body arching up. The sensation reached me after what felt like hours of torture and I closed my eyes, a scream building before Nicholas put a hand over my mouth. My whole body spasmed, shaking under him. My moans and screams are muffled by his hand and I feel him whisper something in my ear but at this point, I can't focus.
His thrusts became frantic, his breath on my ear labored alternating between kissing my skin and nipping at it as he tried to catch his breath. I am still recuperating from my high as he slammed into me with force, his own body shaking as he reached his peak. I can feel him jerk, a groan escaping him, his face distorting into some grimace of concentration before he relaxed.
He's still inside me, his face on my shoulder, both of us panting. My hands are staying limp next to my body and his are around me, holding me in some sort of a hug.
-Damn, I needed this.- With this, he moved to the side taking me with him. I can still feel him although I am almost numb everywhere. A soft caress on my back is nulling me into bliss. My eyes are heavy from exhaustion.
Nicholas is leaving sweet kisses on my head, at my eyes, nose, cheeks... It's different. It made me sigh and relax into it. Enjoying some pampering after everything we have been through.
Unfortunately, all things good must come to an end. That's usually how it goes. I was just about to shift into the dreamland when I felt him get up. It made me open my eyes and frown at him.
-Where are you going?- The question is in an almost whisper. The energy to talk drained from me. However, the silence made me open my eyes and look at him. Of course. He has that guilty look on his face. He looks almost innocent and pathetic as his eyebrows lowered and lips pouted.
-I have to go...- Honestly, it's all the same! All the time. No matter what we are back at the beginning. What the fuck? Why? Why again?
I can't explain the sudden anger coursing through me. All the passion was forgotten. It's like I just took an ice-cold shower. I am all too aware of everything and all the emotions have shifted to anger. Or disappointed, I don't know what it is.
-You can't be serious? You know what... I hate to go through this again. I can't be the bad guy all the time. You say one thing and do the other. Nicholas, I can't. I fucking can't talk about it anymore!- My voice is cracking, somewhere between yelling and crying. I feel insane. My skin is almost itching with how much I want to run, scream, or hit something, or preferably someone.
-No, no, Violet. It's not like that, I promise. I am not going back to her! I have a meeting tomorrow morning. Meeting about our new line, the one you perfected.- Nicholas sat down next to me, his hand gentle on my skin, lulling me as if I were some child. His words started to make sense and some of the anger subsided but I couldn't fully trust him.
-Really? Is that it? You are telling me you won't go back to your house and to your wife? You won't go into her bed? If it is about the meeting, you can sleep here. What is the difference?- It hurts me that there is this distrust and strange feeling. I hate to be this person. So naggingly annoying and pathetic.
-Violet... If it matters to you, you should know we do not sleep in the same room. It has been like that for a while now. I need to go, get rest, pick up the stuff that I need for tomorrow, and go to work. Otherwise, nothing would have kept me from staying. - Okay... That sounds reasonable. It's pretty late as it is, almost midnight. If he has to get up early he should go to sleep. I know how important this project is. It's my project after all.
-Okay. You are right. You should rest, tomorrow is an important day. Make sure my project is not changed. I like the ideas and... I would hate it if they decide to change much.- I can't look at him properly from shame. I behaved like a spoiled brat. What is wrong with me? I snapped so fast, not even giving him a chance to say anything.
Nicholas lifted my head making me gaze at him. He's smiling at me. He looks tired but content. His smile is relaxed and his eyes are half closed with little wrinkles at the edges, the deep blue into them seeming brighter than usual.
-I'll let you know how the meeting went. Also... If you want to come back, it doesn't need to be final. You can come back.- To this, I shook my head. There is something I can't get over. As long as I am not able to do my job properly due to some rumors I won't work.
-I made up my mind and already sent my resignation to HR. I suppose they'll read it tomorrow and let you know.- Nicholas lost his smile but still managed to nod. He's still struggling with accepting this but that is hardly my problem.
-Alright. I'll try to see you tomorrow either way.- This time I nodded and Nicholas went on with collecting his things. He got dressed in silence and with a quick but gentle kiss, he let himself out. It's only then that I took time to look around. Everything is a mess. I am in my shirt on a couch that's pretty much ruined. The whole room is in a dimmed light with that smell of sex... It should feel romantic. It has felt romantic. But it also feels a bit... shameful. Maybe it's just me. I am not used to being so forward with sex. It's something Nicholas has brought out of me.
I opened a window and went to the bathroom to clean myself up. The exhaustion is getting to me and I put on my pajamas, proceeding to get ready for bed when I heard a knock. Who can it be this late? Maybe it's Nicholas, he must have forgotten something. First I looked around to find what could it possibly be but there is nothing evident. Well... I'll find out if I open it.
My mind must still be in a haze since it didn't even cross it to check who it was. There is nothing sketchy that happens around this neighborhood and everyone in the building is old or a family person.
Once I opened the door, my mind stopped working. It felt as if some scene is happening far away from me and I was just a silent observer. I am a third person watching what's happening from a bird's perspective and it couldn't be more absurd.