"What is Loki wearing?" Lisa frowned as she and Harry followed the other Ravenclaws and the Hufflepuffs into Professor Snape's classroom.
"Huh?" Harry blinked before staring at Loki who was perched on his shoulder whilst wearing what looked to be a miniature version of a World War One gas mask. "Just your standard health and safety equipment, ain't it?" He shrugged as he turned back to Lisa. "He wanted to see the class but doesn't want to smell the fumes and all that, obviously."
"Yeah, I suppose the potions would disturb his sense of smell," Lisa nodded.
"Actually, I believe he's wearing it because of Snape, the guy hasn't showered in like a week," Harry replied, Loki heard him and began furiously nodding his head.
"I don't think Professor Snape will let you bring Loki into his classroom," Lisa pointed out.
"Ah, but what you are forgetting is that Loki is a ninja, trained in the art of invisibility," Harry told her in a proud voice.
"Really?" Lisa stared at the two as they sat down in their seats.
"What's that behind you?" Harry asked innocently.
"Huh?" Lisa looked behind her. "I don't know what you mean, there's nothing there." She turned back and was about to say something when she realised that Loki was gone. "How the hell did he do that?!"
"Ancient Samurai trick number four-hundred and ninety-seven," Harry explained with a serene smile.
"Samurai?" Lisa repeat in a confused voice. "I thought you said that he was trained in the art of ninja, how the hell could he be a samurai?"
"Loki is trained in multiple arts," Harry answered easily. "He actually specialises in water paintings though," He added just as the door to the classroom slammed open, hitting a Hufflepuff boy that hadn't yet sat down, knocking him straight off his feet. Not that Professor Snape appeared to notice as he stormed in, looking more murderous than ever before. A seemingly permanent look of anger on his face, combined with a twitching right eye along with furious and loud walking told everyone just what kind of mood the 'beloved' teacher was in. Something that didn't help matters was the large bottle of alcohol in his left hand.
"Yeah, I'm drunk, what of it?!" He demanded as he sat on his desk and glared at them allow whilst taking a particularly lengthy sip from his bottle. "Stupid Black got off, can you believe it? I hate the Blacks!" He growled before drinking more from his bottles, missing the whispers of racism from the other students. "I hate the male Blacks and I hate the female Blacks almost as much! The women are mad and the men are stupid! Stupid Blacks!"
"I left America, why do I still have to listen to racism?" Harry whispered to Lisa.
"It's entirely possible he's referring to Sirius and his family, you know? The Black family," Lisa said reasonably.
"Nah, it's just racism," Harry said confidently. "He seems the type."
"The Blacks are good for nothings scums, should've never been allowed into our world." Snape continued to moan before shooting a glare at Harry. "I blame you, Potter!" He said accusingly.
"What?!" Harry blurted out.
"You saved that..." A hiccup blurted out from Snape, interrupting him. "...Um...where was I?" He asked drunkenly.
"You were on about me saving a black man apparently," Harry replied.
"Exactly, you saved that Black, you Black lover!" Snape accused.
"Yeah, I love Black people," Harry nodded his head to that, much to the approval of his classmates. "Don't you like..."
"Fuck the Blacks! Bunch of criminals, the lot of them!" Snape cut him off, earning shocked looks from his students. "If it wasn't for you, Potter, then he'd be rightfully in jail like he deserved to be." Snape accused before going to take another sip from his bottle, only to quickly realise that it was no longer in his hand. "Huh?" He grunted before looking back and spotting Loki sitting on his desk, having thrown off the gas mask and was now chugging down Professor Snape's drink like his life depended on it.
"Loki!" Harry gasped, staring at his monkey friend with a downright shocked look on his face. "I thought you quit drinking!" He shouted, pointing an accusing finger at his monkey friend. Loki -after finishing the bottle - let out an apologetic squeak before everyone's attention was ripped back to a growling Professor Snape who was staring furiously at Loki.
"That was my bottle!" He yelled before shooting a spell at Loki who let out a frightened squeak as he dodged the spell, the chaotic tree-climber instinctively tossed the bottle at Snape, hitting him in the forehead. Loki quickly jumped off the desk and ran to Harry who quickly scooped him up into his arms whilst Snape rubbed his head.
"Potter!" Snape growled, throwing as much hate into the name as possible as he stared at Harry with the utmost loathing. "I'm going to kill you!"
"Harry," Lisa said quietly.
"Yeah?"
"I think you should run." She advised whilst staring at the fuming expression of the potion's master, she turned to look at Harry and blinked when she saw that he and Loki were already standing by the door.
"Way ahead of you," He told her before rushing out of the door just as a bright red spell crashed into it.
"Hmm," Crabbe and Goyle grunted as they followed Draco through the corridors of Hogwarts, listening as the blonde prat - umm...boy - was prattling on about his new wand holster.
"The finest of all wand holsters!" Draco was telling them. "It's blood bound to me so that nobody, not even Dumbledore or even the dark lord himself, could remove it. There's actually an ingenious safety response to someone trying to steal it."
"Nice, Draco," The two of them dutifully complimented him just as the sound of spellfire was heard.
"What the hell is that?" Draco wondered, the trio of Slytherins rounding the following corner in time to see Professor Snape chasing Harry Potter and his monkey and shooting spells at them. "Huh, it's actually quite nice to see it happen to someone else." Draco hummed thoughtfully as the pair got closer.
"Hi Draco!" Harry said quickly as he rushed past them. "Got your wand this time?!" He taunted.
"Course I do," Draco yelled before moving to take his wand out of his holster. "What?! How the hell is it gone?!" He blurted out as he stared at his holster when the theft response decided to finally activate, spraying him in the face with a green gas that caused his eyes to roll before he fell unconscious to the floor, just in time for Snape to trip over him and fall face first on the ground.
"What an idiot you are, Malfoy!" Snape shouted before getting back on his feet and chasing after Harry.
"Is he dead?" Crabbe asked hopefully to Goyle who had bent down to check on Draco.
"Nah," Goyle said disappointedly. "He's still breathing, should probably take him to the hospital wing and..."
"Good luck with that," Crabbe said, already walking halfway down the hall whilst pulling out a pair of reading glasses. "If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go brush up on the Pythagorean Theorem before he wakes up."
"Bastard," Grunted a grumpy Goyle.
"Hot damn!" Harry yelped, narrowly dodging a cutting curse that had come dangerously close to his neck. "Loki! Countermeasures!" He yelled, Loki quickly nodded before pulling out a matchstick, Loki lit it before tossing it straight at Snape. A little-known fact amongst the Hogwarts population was the fact that Professor Snape's unhealthy amount of time spent with potions had left him covered in a special sort of grease that his hair now appeared to be able to produce naturally. Unfortunately, for Snape, that grease appeared to be flammable. The matchstick ended up setting his hair on fire, this naturally distracted Snape, unsurprisingly.
Harry managed to round a corner and nearly ran into Pansy Parkinson, Pansy had at that moment bent over to retrieve a mirror that she had dropped on the floor and had not noticed Harry skidding to a halt behind her. Harry caught Loki's eyes and saw a gleam in the mischievous primate's eyes.
'Don't do it.' Harry mouthed. Loki gave Harry a grin that quite plainly said, 'I'mma do it'. Loki climbed down Harry's clothes before slapping Pansy hard on her backside.
"Pervert!" Pansy cried out angrily, turning and raising her knee quickly. Harry jumped out of the way just as Professor Snape rounded the corner and ran genitals first into her boney knee, a large gasp escaping him as his face turned a concerning shade of red, a look that was not helped by his burnt hair.
"Hold up a minute," Harry blinked as a shocked Pansy lowered her leg. "I gotta test this," He said before slapping her backside, once again causing Pansy's leg to rise up and hit Snape in the exact same spot. "That shit is instinctive!" Harry blurted out before turning to Pansy. "I feel sorry for your future husband." He told her before turning and running away.
"I'm sorry, Professor Snape!" Pansy squeaked as she lowered her knee and stared up at the greasy-haired potion master who was hunched over in pain with his hands on her shoulders for support. "I...I didn't mean to...I just...he slapped my arse and I reacted and..."
"Parkinson," Snape grunted out with a pained expression on his face, taking a moment to look at her skinny body. "You...call that... flat board of yours...an arse?" Pansy gaped at him for several seconds before a furious expression appeared on her face and her knee raised itself a third time.
"I told you to stop drinking!" Harry told Loki as they continued running. "Bad shit always happens when you drink." Loki let out a noise that sounded very much like an apology before Harry skidded to a stop as he saw Snape round a corner in the hallway in front of him. "How the hell did he get in front of us?!"
"Shortcut bitch!" Snape yelled in a slightly high-pitched voice, still smarting from his earlier run-in with Parkinson, he raised his wand at Harry who quickly looked to his right, grabbed the nearest portrait and pulled it open like a door before jumping in. "What?!" Snape rushed forwards and opened it just like Harry had and saw a small hole in the wall with Loki standing in it. The cheeky monkey tossed a green grape right at Snape, it bounced off the potion master's beak-like nose and back into Loki's open mouth. A stunned Snape stared at the grinning Loki just before the portrait closed itself. "What the fuck?" Snape opened it again, only to see that the hole was now empty. He was prepared to jump in when the portrait next to him opened.
"Did you find him yet?" Harry asked as his head popped out for a brief second before immediately going back in with the portrait closing behind him. Snape rushed over to the portrait only for a portrait ten feet to his left to open and reveal a grinning Loki who promptly gave Snape the finger before the portrait closed again. Snape cried out angrily, rushing towards that portrait, only to stop when he saw a medium-sized portrait on the opposite wall that contained both Harry and Loki standing in front of a green field, the two appeared to be smoking something as they each were holding fairly large cigars in their hands.
"Did you find him yet?" Harry asked before taking another puff.
"I...what..." Professor Snape stuttered. "How the hell did you get in the portrait?! That's not possible! You can't just suddenly appear inside a portrait!"
"That's propaganda actually," Harry replied with a serene smile, enraging the enraged teacher enough for him to aim his wand and shoot out a black fire that spread across the portrait, destroying it. A creak behind him caused him to turn around in time to see the first portrait open again and reveal Harry and Loki crouched inside the hole. "And that's just blatant destruction of school property." He told him before the portrait closed again.
"Curse to the fiery depths of hell whoever thought that child abuse was a bad idea!" Snape roared before rushing towards the portrait. He opened it and was met with another grape bouncing off his nose, he looked down and saw Loki giving him a cheeky wave. Snape let out a large roar of anger before he rushed into the hole and crawled after Loki who started running away, the portrait closing behind them. Mere seconds later the portrait opened up again with both Harry and Loki climbing out of it and closing it behind them.
"Well, that went well," Harry declared, Loki nodding in agreement. "I wonder where he went."
"I don't know what Mum was going on about," Fred said, enjoying a fresh batch of marijuana as he and George stood together inside a toilet stall in the boy's toilets.
"Indeed," George let out a happy sigh as he enjoyed his own. "This is the best, I think that...eh?" He trailed off when the two heard a rattling from the toilet next to them. "...What the fuck is that?"
"I don't know," Fred blinked before reaching down and opening the toilet seat to reveal Professor Snape's head, wet and furious and glaring at them whilst supporting burnt hair for some reason. "Eh?" Fred blinked intelligently.
"I hate all of you!" Snape shouted with as much force as he can muster. "A hundred points for sharing a toilet, you freaks! Another hundred for smoking drugs! Another hundred for being tall! Another hundred for being ginger! And another hundred for...ow!" Snape blurted out when Fred harshly slammed the toilet seat back down, closing it.
"You know what, George, I think we might have had a bit too much of this," Fred said, gesturing to the marijuana. "Maybe we should give it up."
"Perhaps you're right," George agreed solemnly. "We're still definitely selling this though, right?" He asked as Snape began shouting several words that should not be shouted by a teacher in front of students.
"Oh, fuck yeah," Fred said instantly.
"That's what I thought," George smiled as he leaned over and pulled the flush lever.