I've been standing on the walkway to the front door of my own house for the past 10 minutes. I want to go in and tell Jordan everything, but I can't find a way to get my legs to move towards the house no matter how hard I try.
"Baby?" Jordan asks me, standing in the doorway. "You okay?"
How could I do this? Jordan is a good man, maybe even one of the best men ever. He's always been there for me through everything, always supportive and kind. He's been gentle with me, he's given me space and time to heal through anything. He has been a perfect boyfriend for years. And me? I've ruined everything. I fucked up our relationship for good. He thought I would be his wife, have his kids, live a long life with him. All he did was love me and expect love in return, but instead he's gotten betrayal.
How can I look at this innocent man and ruin his life?
"I need to tell you something." I say. My voice shakes as I speak.
"Okay." he says slowly. "Can you come in so you can tell me what's going on?"
I pray that even an ounce of his kindness is extended to me during this. Not that I deserve it.
Over the past couple of days, I've been trying to figure out just how to tell Jordan about Tony and the pregnancy. If I lead with the pregnancy, he might get excited and think it's his which will make the entire situation worse. If I lead with Tony, he'll be hurt but he may find it within himself to forgive me just so he doesn't lose me, but then when I tell him I'm pregnant it'll be like inserting a knife into an open wound. I toyed with the idea of not telling him about the pregnancy at all too, but it didn't seem right. I still haven't figured out the sequence yet.
"What's going on?" he asks me, his voice soft and comforting.
"I'm pregnant." I blurt out, the words coming out before my brain can even process them.
Instantly his brows furrow together. "That doesn't make any sense? We use protection every time we have sex. Did the condom break or-" he stops dead in the middle of his sentence. His eyes fall onto me, sitting there with tears rolling down my face, and I see the look of realization come over him. "You had sex with Tony."
It's not a question, it's a statement. I can see it all over him that he knows it. I've betrayed him and I've ruined our lives as we know it.
Jordan sits down at the kitchen island, propping his elbows up on the island and lacing his fingers together. He rests his chin on his hands as if he's thinking. He doesn't say a word, though, he just sits there and stares at the ceiling above the fridge.
I want to say something, but I have no idea what to say in this situation. Sorry doesn't quiet cut it in a situation like this and I don't think he would want to hear it anyways. I also don't want to say anything that can possibly make this any worse than it already is.
"Has this been going on the whole time?" he asks me, his vice eerily calm and quiet.
"No, it just happened once. It was an accident, I didn't mean for it to happen but it just kind of ...did."
"How long ago?"
This is the one question I was hoping he wouldn't ask. To be fair I was hoping he wouldn't ask any at all, but this specific one is the one I was dreading the most. When I tell him it was the night before he proposed to me he'll lose his mind. Not only did I have sex with Tony, not tell him, then get pregnant from him, but I did it the day before he asked me to be his wife. And I said yes. I said yes knowing what I had done.
"About a month ago. Maybe a little more or a little less, I don't know exactly." I say.
"Was it before or after I proposed to you?"
I can't blame him for asking, for wanting to know. Did I betray him before he asked me, and then went with it anyways figuring I could just pretend it didn't happen, or did I betray him after he asked me, after I agreed to be his wife and live long partner?
"It was before." I mumble, feeling the entire weight of my actions on me.
He nods his head like I just told him the weather forecast and not that I cheated on him days before he asked me to marry him.
"Let me guess." he says dryly. "The night before I asked you to marry me, when you said you were working late and came home at 1am, is that when you fucked him?"
"Jor-"
"I asked you a fucking question." he yells, making me jump. I've never heard Jordan yell. Ever.
"Yes."
"I fucking knew it." he says with a dry laugh. "I fucking knew something was up when you texted m but I told myself I was just being paranoid and to let it go."
"It was one time, you have to trust me-"
"Unbelievable. Un-fucking-believable. I have to trust you?!" he yells, his anger clearly getting the best of him right now. He turns and looks at me and all I can see in his eyes is hatred. "Were you ever going to tell me? You know, if you hadn't gotten knocked up?"
"I don't know." I admit.
"Did you even want to marry me or did you say yes because you felt bad for fucking him?"
"I wanted to!" I exclaim. "I did, but I've just been so confused-"
He laughs, a dry sarcastic laugh. "Well that's just fucking great. This is actually exactly how I pictured my life going. I always wanted you to cheat on me with some fucking guy and then keep seeing him behind my back for weeks just for fun."
"I stopped seeing him, I ended things after it happened!" I say, my voice pleading.
"Maybe you should've done it before you fucked him. That might've helped." he says. "I'll be back for my stuff later."
"Jor, please-"
"No!" He yells, whirling around to face me. "You can't fuck someone else then expect me to still want to be with you. I'll be back tonight to pack my shit. I expect my ring to be here and you to be gone just so I can get my shit together without having to see you."
He doesn't wait for a reply, he turns and makes a beeline for the door, slamming it hard behind him as he goes.
Just like that my marriage is over before it even had the chance to begin.