October 6th - 2 am
Something stirred in front of her, at first it was just inconsistent movement, then sounds. Strained sounds, incoherent mumbling that just got louder and louder. Before she had even fully gained consciousness, a strong arm wrapped around her waist and pulled her forward. Her eyes snapped open in response, it was too dark to see anything specifically but she didn't need vision to know she was now fully pressed against Bucky's front. She took a deep breath in and found herself breathing in his smell, strong and musky.
Her eyes searched for any sign that showed he was awake and in control of what he had just done, but everything pointed to the opposite conclusion. He was asleep.
His arm was fully stretched around her waist, his hand entangled in her hair, his breaths were deep and slow. She hadn't been this close to him since that night in Madrid, when her self-destructive tendencies and desperate fear of losing him had taken over. He was so warm she could feel the heat sinking into her bones through clothes, skin, flesh and all. Her face barely reached his sternum, her whole chest was pressed against his, the muffled sound of his heart thrummed steadily next to her cheek. She blushed slightly in the dark.
Drawn in by his warmth, she snuggled closer, one hand hugging his waist, the feeling of his scorching skin leaving her almost breathless. Her other hand was stuck between their bodies, her palm resting over his pec. Her heart started speeding up, now fully awake. It felt almost wrong to be so close to him knowing he wasn't fully conscious of what he was doing, but he looked relaxed and in peace with this position, so who was she to disrupt the rare and long sought after comfort of his sleep?
She tried to calm her heart rate taking a few deep breaths, but all it did was envelop her even more in his scent, which was alluring to say the least. She needed to fall back asleep but this giant of a man, hot as a furnace, pressed against her was igniting every inch of her being, doing in fact the opposite of calming her.
She cursed herself for wearing only a pair of shorts and tank top, perfect to sleep in the heat, but definitely too thin not to burst in contact with the heat of him.
Her ragged breathing pattern must have disrupted his because he started stirring in front of her, his breathing and heartbeat getting erratic. Natalie hissed a 'shit' under her breath, realising she was probably agitating him with how anxious she was. Instinctively she pressed her hand on the base of his neck and started kneading the tight muscles there. Her other hand slowly moved across his skin and spread up over his hip and across his back, massaging the sturdy lines of his muscles, hoping to lull him back to rest. He stirred slightly and let out a slow deep hum, his head instinctively leaned down toward her face and nuzzled the top of her head.
Luckily she knew that when it came to Bucky, touch was something he welcomed, enjoyed even, something that made him relax. Her closeness and gentle touches had allowed him to fall asleep many times, when sleep hadn't been a matter of safety, so considering how much he needed to sleep now, the least she could do was help him through the process. And yes, maybe she was also driven by a bit of temptation and desire to just touch him, but who could blame her.
She brushed her hand gently over his back a few times, until his breathing was steady again. She realised her heart had also slowed down, following his, the feeling of his skin against her hands soothing her own restlessness.
It was so smooth, perfect in every ridge, every curve.
So much had happened between them and as confusing and frustrating as it was, she still couldn't help but feel that pull. That invisible force between them that just pushed her close to him. She still struggled to understand him, to forgive him, but almost losing him, and being able to talk to him again, it just stirred something in her that she had forgotten. Or maybe not forgotten, but suppressed. Her feelings for him had changed, she saw him as someone different now, but slowly those two versions of him were starting to collide and form a whole new person. Was this new person someone she could trust? Now in the quiet of the night her answer would be yes. It didn't erase all the pain and confusion and fear she now had towards who he was and what he did, but maybe he was right: maybe to the core he was the same person she had met in New York, only now she could see all the cuts and bruises, the sins and the scars. Seeing how he chose to talk to her, seeing the vulnerability in his eyes when he'd confessed he needed help, that was the Bucky she knew. He knew she was attracted to him, he knew although her strong feelings had changed for the worse, she still wanted him physically. And yet he didn't take advantage of that, not once. He respected the distance she put between them and accepted the hate she developed for him as something he deserved. And the fact that he cared so much about not wanting to confuse her even further, like sleeping in the same bed, it showed to what lengths he'd protect her, even if it was to his loss, even if it meant harming himself in the process.
That sense of protection he had over her, which had spooked her many times and had oftentimes sadly reminded her of her dad, was starting to take a different shape. It was starting to feel like belonging.
Maybe she had always seen this thing between them in the wrong way.
Safety, comfort, care, they were all things she struggled with. Creating that kind of bond was tricky for someone like Natalie. But their relationship wasn't safe, they had stopped being comfortable in it, they had both failed at taking care of each other. And yet they were still here, still trying, still choosing each other even when they didn't have to, still together like broken pieces of glass pushing each other to try to fit together. Like there was nothing else they could do.
Some people might say if two pieces of one puzzle don't immediately and easily fit together then they don't belong, but Natalie knew that nothing about their relationship was easy, and it never would be, because they weren't easy individuals. Their lives were broken, complicated, pieces missing all around the board.
And that was strangely reassuring. Because it meant nothing about them was like the relationships she had once experienced. They were something entirely different.
This gorgeous, handsome man sleeping in front of her was a mess, and so was she.
A soft smile painted her lips, one tear rolling down her cheek. Slowly she opened her lips and tentatively kissed the skin of his chest, almost thanking him. It was a soft, barely there kiss, but the feeling was so intense it gave her goosebumps, making her sigh in relief. She glanced up, checking if that had any effect on him, but he seemed just as fast asleep as before. She had thought many times of a way to describe this pull between them but she had always fallen short. If he ever asked, she wasn't sure what she'd say. She would be scared. Although lying there, in the dark, him wrapped around her, she could admit how much she wanted to be close to him like this. She could kiss him delicately, sweetly, lovingly, without having to think or deal with the implications of what it meant, of whether he deserved it or not, of whether she deserved it. She wanted to give him something sweet, even if it was for just a moment, even if he wouldn't know. Maybe especially because he wouldn't know.
Slowly she raised her head and left another kiss on his throat, indulging in the kiss this time, letting her lips linger on him for longer. His arm tightened around her, pulling her closer to him, as if urging her to keep kissing him. Of course, he was asleep so everything he did was done unconsciously, but she took the gesture as an indication all the same. She kissed the side of his neck next, then his collarbone. He was still slightly sweaty, she wiped her bottom lip with her tongue and tasted salt on the skin. Slowly she felt his body react to hers, the muscles of his back tightening and relaxing under her hand. She let the feelings of the moment take over and reached the skin under his jaw with her lips. She let a trail of kisses there, taking her time to relish in the taste of him, the feeling of his light stubble grazing against her much softer lips. It was intoxicating. In that moment she knew she wouldn't be able to resist the urge to kiss him on his lips if he leaned down and gave her access. The hand that was still pressed against his neck glided up to his jaw and she held him there while she carefully moved her head back, pulling away from him slightly, and pressed a kiss on his chin. A low rumble echoed from his chest, a soft sigh left his lips.
God, did she want this with him, so much it pained her.
Even though she wanted him to sleep, and she really did, she couldn't ignore that small part of her who hoped he would wake up, just so he could kiss her back. She raised her chin a bit higher and gently pressed her lips against his. Before she had time to break the kiss, the hand that was resting in her hair quickly moved to the front of her neck and tightened around her throat, and in one rough movement he flipped her on her back, hovering above her. A surprised gasp died in her throat as she looked up at Bucky's cold stare. He seemed fully awake and yet she didn't recognise the look in his eyes, he was alarmed, confused, afraid even. But most of all, he didn't look conscious. His stare almost blank, watching her but not looking, like he din't see her but just someone. She didn't know what to make of it, since as much as he could have been frightened by her actions, surely he couldn't be scared of her. And that dazed look in his eyes told her he probably didn't understand what he was doing either.
Unless maybe, he actually didn't know what was happening. Maybe he couldn't recognise her.
Maybe he was asleep, and had sensed some kind of threat and reacted accordingly. Instincts taking over reason. The thought gave her a slight sense of panic, suddenly aware she was being choked by a very strong, very skilled soldier. She had to bring him back to reality, and she needed to do it quickly.
She moved one hand on his chest and the other on the arm that was holding her so fiercely. She forced herself to smile, hoping that way he'd understand she wasn't some intruder trying to harm him, that he was safe.
But his hold only got stronger, making her feel slightly lightheaded.
"Bucky. It's me." She whispered in a strained breath, the dizziness making it hard to speak, to articulate the words.
His danger-filled eyes narrowed, now focusing more on her eyes. Natalie started worrying, maybe the nightmare was too vivid, maybe her voice wasn't enough to make him recognise her.
Well if her voice wasn't enough, maybe her touch was. She moved her hand on his face, grazing his lips lightly with her fingertips. His eyes widened, obviously confused be her gesture, but his lips parted slightly, welcoming her touch.
"Bucky, it's Natalie. Please. Let go." Her eyes pleaded with his, not afraid, but reassuring that nothing bad would happen if he did.
Bucky's stare moved between her eyes and her lips a few times, assessing, computing the meaning of her words. Something must have clicked in his brain, because if she was a threat, why would she look at him and touch him so softly, how could she be so unafraid of him if she had been there to hurt him? Slowly the dread was wiped away, replaced by a confused frown, his hand relaxed around her throat and eventually moved to rest next to her head. Natalie gasped for air as his hand left her throat, coughing a couple of times before regaining some breath. They stared at each other for a moment, unmoving, his gaze still slightly guarded. Bucky tilted his head to the side and considered her warily, not yet fully aware of what was going on. A bit defensive, but curious, he leaned down and rested his forehead over hers, sharing his breaths with hers. She took the opportunity to reach around his neck with both her hands and pulled him even closer, so that their lips were only a breath away from each other. She looked deeply in his eyes and then down on his lips, so soft, so inviting.
So many reasons to not do it, but a few ones compelling enough to make her do it anyway.
Holding her breath, she closed the distance between them and pressed her lips against his, infusing as much confidence and warmth into that kiss as she could, hoping that it would prove he could trust her. She kissed him carefully, lips brushing delicately against each other, seeking closeness.
That fully brought him back to reality, his eyelashes fluttering quickly on his now flushed cheeks. She worked her mouth against his for a moment longer, not wanting to break this spell, until he groaned softly against her, low in his throat, and she knew then that he was back.
She gently pulled away, leaving him softly panting, and let her eyes search his, a broken look telling her he understood what had happened. He shivered, a cold feeling running in his skin at the terrifying realization that he could have hurt her. He would have, if she hadn't stopped it.
"I'm sorry." He murmured shakily, his lips trembling with emotion.
She shook her head with confidence and moved her hand to caress his cheek.
"It's okay. You're okay." A small smile on her lips.
His eyes skimmed furiously over her face and her neck, checking if there were any injuries. Even if he couldn't find any, his eyes were restless, his breath fast and inconsistent.
"Did I hurt you?" His eyes were so sad, her heart almost broke for him.
"No, I'm okay. You didn't do anything."
Bucky slowly nodded, but he didn't look convinced, so she pulled him closer and kissed him again. This time more fiercely. She moved her lips against his more quickly and firmly, coaxing him to kiss her back. His eyes fell closed as he tentatively opened his mouth for her and pressed his own lips over her supple ones. A small moan left him, relaxing into the kiss, feeling the warmth of it spread all over his body. She tasted of heaven, just like she always had every time they kissed. It was comforting, and excruciatingly tempting. Her fingers tangled with his hair and pulled him even closer, their nose pressed against each other as she took as much of him as she could. Her hands gripped his face and manoeuvred it as the kiss intensified, walls of inhibition falling one at the time. His hand wrapped around her wrist, not to stop her, but to feel the reality of her actually holding him, as if he couldn't trust it just by feeling her touch on his cheeks. His breaths got heavier as he deepened the kiss, his eyes still shut in pure bliss.
Her hands grabbed onto his hips, her fingers pressing into the skin, and then moved to the small of his back, pulling him down, forcing him to lean on his forearms, their bodies now fully pressed together. He was heavy on top of her but she'd gladly let his weight crush her rather than tell him to move. She could feel his heart beat hard against her chest, slowly she brushed her hands on his back, teasingly, and softly bit down on his lower lip. He groaned into her mouth and broke the kiss, panting heavily above her.
Natalie could tell he was stalling, elaborating, deciding. His eyes darting over her face, looking for reasons in her expression that would tell him to stop. He couldn't find any.
She wasn't upset this time around, there was no logical reason for her to be doing this apart from wanting to do it. But in his mind there was also no reason to assume that she just simply enjoyed this. He knew she had been mostly angry at him, and disappointed. So how would he reconcile that with wanting to kiss him.
Unless she just wanted sex. Remnants of that same tension they became aware of not long after they met each other.
But she wouldn't intentionally be looking for sex with him, surely. She knew he was attracted to her, maybe she was trying to soothe him. She was just looking to help him.
He should definitely stop.
He didn't want to.
She gave his chin a soft peck, then brushed her lips over his jaw down to his neck where she pressed an indulgent kiss, right over his Adam's apple, and felt him swallow thickly. He was holding back but he didn't stop her as her mouth reached that sweet spot where the neck meets the shoulder and started kissing him there. Slow, and open mouthed. He didn't stop her as the kiss turned wet and sloppy, and made him want to moan. He didn't stop her as her hands brushed his hips and rested on his abdomen, scraping the skin slightly with her nails, making him harder than he already was. He didn't stop her as her mouth crashed against his, kissing him with fury, barely contained hunger and goading him to do the same. He didn't stop her, and didn't stop himself as he devoured her back. They unfolded before one other, blending into one single bundle of scalding sweaty skin, one shared breath between them, feeding off each other's longing. Natalie's legs, which were under the weight of his own, detangled from his body and wrapped around his waist. He let out a soft grunt, his body slotting in right between her legs, where he could feel how warm she was. And that unleashed something in him. He turned the kiss filthy, so lost in his own desire she could barely keep up, yielding to the strength of this yearning that was coming out of him. She moaned at the feeling of his tongue exploring her mouth, tasting her like a glass of fine wine, his hand now tangled in her hair. His hips instinctively started rocking into hers, lulled by the warmth of her body and the natural rhythm of their kiss. His hand went to grab her thigh, gripping it tightly as his tongue moved down to her jaw and then to her neck. Her skin was salty, the way it gets after a day spent at the beach, but it was in contrast with her natural sweetness, making it a thousand times harder to not just lick every inch of her body.
He wondered if she'd let him.
The new pressure between her legs started to spread over her whole body, fingers tingling, a low dip in her stomach, chest tightening, breaths getting shallower. She moaned again but this time Bucky's mouth wasn't there to muffle the sound, low and tortured in that way that begs for more. Bucky smirked against her collarbone and understood immediately. They might not have had sex yet, but he knew her, he knew her body, she was like his favourite book, and he had read her a thousand times.
Her body wanted him, and he was happy to oblige. He sucked the skin underneath her jaw and rolled his hips into hers a bit harder, coaxing another moan, higher than the last one and a bit breathless. He smiled proudly as he kept tasting her, his mouth moving lower, reaching the top of her breasts.
The only sounds in the room were of heavy breathing, panting and soft moans. Natalie's every sense was solely possessed by him. His smell, the taste of his body on her lips, the softness of his skin, his groans, his ocean deep eyes looking up at her as he left a path of red marks on her chest, proof of his kissing and biting. A silent claim, meant for no one if not for himself. Natalie pulled hard at his hair, making him grunt lightly, and dragged him up to meet her lips again, slamming their mouths together. Her hips started falling into rhythm with his, meeting his every demanding thrust, every pant with one of her own, and coaxing a few breathless groans from him. His hand shot down to her breast and fondled it through the thin layer of her top, his hand rough and gentle at the same time.
All he could think of was her, and how much he wanted her, every part of her, he wanted to be inside of her, literally and metaphorically, to become part of her, in an indelible and everlasting way.
She grabbed the hand that was at her breast and brought it to her lips, kissing the fingertips softly. He let her, entranced by how good that small gesture felt, until he pressed against her lips harder and slid two in her mouth. Her eyes widened, not in shock but in pleasure. Slowly she started running her tongue over his fingers, closing her lips tightly around them she tried sucking slightly and in response he pushed them further in, pressing against her tongue. It wasn't hard to guess what he was imagining as he looked at her with both ice and fire in his eyes. His dick twitched in his pants and he rolled them against her in one deep sinuous movement, the pressure making her moan around his fingers. His lips parted, almost in awe of the pleasure he could see in her gaze, igniting his own. They held eye contact while she sucked and licked at his fingers, and the raw intimacy, the indecency of it aroused her so much her hips started bucking, her back arching, seeking more contact, more friction, more of him, just more. Her hand traveled down and stopped at the hem of his sweatpants, mere inches from where he was itching to be touched. But before she could slide down and actually feel him, he removed his fingers from her mouth and grabbed both her hands. He pushed them over her head, roughly, and held them there as he hovered above her lips, a feline smirk stretching the skin. He was panting, his eyes focused like a predator about to catch his prey, and his cheeks red, showing just how affected he was by her touch. Play time was over. He wasn't sure he'd be able to control himself if she managed to get her hands on him, he was too hard and too frustrated, the whole thing would end way too quickly. He was either going to fuck the living shit out of her, or eat her out until she screamed his name.
He reached one hand down on her hip and squeezed the soft flesh, so hard it made her whimper. Then his hand brushed her navel and softly stroked her core with his fingers, pressing down enough for her to feel it through the shorts and underwear but not hard enough to actually give her any relief from the agony that was boiling her blood.
She inhaled sharply and held her breath.
"Will you have me?" His voice was so deep she felt it rumble through her body.
She stared at him, his eyes so dark and intense she thought she might as well burn to ashes right there. She slowly nodded, lust clouding any other thought she ever had in her brain.
His hand reached down for her neck, holding there softly, while his other hand rested between her legs. His thumb pressed over her pulse once, twice as his eyes traced the movement greedily. Her heartbeat racing under his touch.
"I need to hear you say it."
His hand tightened ever so slightly as she swallowed and looked up at him with so much anticipation he worried he might come right then and there, just by looking at the desire in her eyes.
"Yes." She whispered, the need and frustration seeping through every letter.
He let out a laboured breath and swiped his lips with his tongue, hungry and ready to consume every inch of her. His mouth covered her trembling one in a literally breathtaking kiss, while his hands unceremoniously grabbed her hips, moving her in unison with his. Slowly he worked his way underneath her top and grabbed her breasts, a whimper left her lips, which turned into a moan of his name when he pressed down on the nipples with his thumbs, and before she knew it, he had grabbed the top and pulled it up. He raised his head and looked down at her exposed chest, his breath caught in his throat. Every inch of her was so soft and firm, tender and tense, like drum skin, so taut it looked like it could rip any moment. So smooth it felt like silk.
Perfect.
His gaze was so keen, so enraptured by her, it was almost suffocating for how ardent it was. He was ravishing her with just his eyes, so desperately that it gave her goosebumps, hardening the already sensitive nubs of flesh, now aching to be touched. His mouth moved down to one of her breasts and took it between his teeth. Her back arched underneath him, her head tipping back while a soft guttural moan left her parted lips. He lapped at the sensitive skin until he was satisfied with the noises that came out of her mouth and then bit down over the round swell of her breast. She whimpered and tipped her head even further back, her chin lifting up to the ceiling as her eyes shut close. He was unrelenting in his work, feasting on her like a starving man all the while keeping up the pace of his hips. She was aching for him, the feeling of his bulge rubbing against her core without actual skin on skin contact was pure torture and bliss at the same time. The feeling of him, his tongue, his lips, his hands, his hips. It made her see stars, left her completely soaked. It felt like being dipped in a warm bath, a thick molten feeling sinking through her flesh and bones, while being lit by a jolt of lightning at the same time, electrifying every nerve of her body.
"Bucky." Begging at this point, she gripped his short hair with both her hands, pressing hard on the scalp, and started gnawing at her bottom lip. She could feel his satisfied smile on the sensitive skin of her breast and let out a desperate whimper. "Please." She was literally clenching for him, and he hadn't even properly touched her. This was madness. He peppered her body with kisses before reaching her mouth once again. He took her bottom lip between his teeth and bit until she gasped.
"Need something?" He asked mercilessly, rolling his hips into hers in emphasis. She moaned again and gripped the ripped muscles of his back. The rush of carnal desire that was washing over her was so intense she could barely focus her touch on anything specific. Just roaming over his body, gripping, scraping roughly, until...
Bucky winced suddenly, his arms recoiling from her body, instinctively pulling away.
Her eyes widened in terror when she realised she had just accidentally hit the gauze over his wound, pressing hard with her fingers and nails. In an instant her brain was wiped clean of all the lust-filled thoughts, leaving room only for concern. She flinched and pressed a hand over her mouth.
"Oh fuck, sorry. Sorry." She breathed out quickly, panting heavily in between her words. Her hands cupped his cheeks sweetly, caressing his tense jaw and neck apologetically, while he let out a low grunt, but this time out of pain.
She caressed his cheeks for a moment, then let her hands fall down on the mattress. She pursued her lips and shook her head, pulling down the top over her naked chest, covering herself up, feeling almost ashamed of how blind her urge had been in that moment.
"I'm really sorry, I- I forgot."
Bucky bit his tongue, knowing that he would have forgotten too, and in fact had forgotten about that damn wound too. He could feel it throbbing now, a lot more painful than it should be. He regained his breath and looked down at her worried eyes. His arms shook a little with the effort of keeping himself up with that excruciating pain piercing through his side. It was worrying that the burning of the wound was so bad it could overtake the burning between his legs, but maybe he just needed to breathe it out. He didn't want this to end, in fact he had a half idea of flipping them over, grab her hips so that she'd straddle him and let her ride him into oblivion. But that was his dick thinking, because she was looking at him like she had ruined everything.
He shook his head softly and pressed a kiss between her brows, were the skin had started furrowing. He leaned down over her open mouth and brushed his lips over hers, waiting for her kiss. When it didn't come, he pulled away slightly to look her in the eyes.
"I'm okay."
His words said one thing but his gritted teeth and broken breaths said another. She wrapped her hands around his neck and gave a soft peck to his chin.
She didn't wanna say it. She really did not want to say it.
"You need to sleep."
He brushed his hand over her curls, the look in his eyes pleading, just as mortified as hers. A throe of sharp pain stabbed at his side, making him flinch, his whole body shaking. She placed a hand gently on his chest, her eyes asking him to stop.
Every fibre of his being wanted her, every atom of his body needed her, but she was right. Even if he could get over the pain now, he knew deep down it would come back eventually, and he wasn't about to have some half-assed sex and ruin something he had dreamed of for so long because of a lousy wound. Natalie deserved better.
Bucky swallowed down thickly and reluctantly nodded. "Yeah. I do." She nodded back, knowing deep in her heart and bones that this, them, was only going to be a matter of time; time they might not have if he couldn't recover. His eyes turned hard as the knowledge they had to stop solidified in his brain, an ocean of frustration behind them. He slowly sat up on his knees, groaning painfully at the way the skin of his back stretched in all the wrong places. He looked down at her, still sprawled out for him between ruffled sheets, her arms covering her eyes, probably in some kind of misplaced judgement over what they had just done. He couldn't help the smile that graced his lips at the sight of her, cracking the hard look in his eyes, and the lightness that lifted his chest and made breathing through the pain that much easier. She was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. And for a moment, just a moment, she was his. In the way she held him, breathed out his name, stared into his soul. She had given herself to him, she was his.
He sat there, just looking, because he wanted to, because he couldn't stop. When his eyes had cherished every part of her, except the one she was covering, he drew in a long breath and bit his lip. It hurt to sit like this but he couldn't get over it, over her.
"Hey." He whispered.
She gulped and whispered back in a completely defeated tone. "What."
"Look at me." His tone was resolute, kind but stern, left no room for debating. So she slowly moved her hands off her eyes, which she had covered trying to protect him from the sorrow and the guilt she was sure he'd be able to see in them, and forced herself to meet his gaze. And as their eyes met, time halted.
She took in his gaze, consuming in a way she had been accustomed to, but with a duality of meanings she had never seen. He knelt before her with nothing but adoration in his eyes, somehow surrendering and conquering at the same time, and her lungs stopped working, her heart stopped beating, everything in her came to a halt. The way he was looking at her... if she could choose, she would never dream of anything else, just those eyes, looking at her just like that... forever.
What other dream could she ever want?
"Will you hold me?"
Bucky's smile grew softer at her words, while his eyes bore something heavy, like a promise, and as he leaned down to rest beside her Natalie realised she must have spoken the words out loud without wanting to.
Hold her. He could and would do so much more than hold her, if she'd agree to let him. She had asked as if he had any choice in the matter, as if he could ever say no, as if she was asking for a favour, when in fact, there was almost nothing he wouldn't do for her if she asked him. He'd wipe himself clean like a blank slate and build someone new for her. He would run away for her, leave her to someone who wasn't him. He'd crawl through hell for her, and back. He would kill and cheat and trick for her.
He would die for her.
Hold her. She asked it like it was a favour, and the fact brought so much bile and anger to his stomach it almost made him sick. He would not allow this distance between them anymore if it meant this, this insecurity, he could not and would not bear it.
She could be insecure about her feelings for him, about what she wanted, but never about his willingness to care for her, to want her.
He belonged to Natalie, wether she knew it or not, she didn't have to acknowledge it, accept it or even allow it. But it was true. He belonged to her, and he would not let her think that anything he did for her was ever meant as a favour, or as a kindness, because in his eyes he had chosen her over everything else, and that meant she was more important than everything else.
He wrapped one arm around her waist and pulled her close to his chest as he laid down on his back. Her hand naturally wound across his abdomen, splaying over the defined muscles, while her head rested atop his shoulder. She let out a content sigh before squeezing closer and angling herself so that her head was tucked right between his jaw and his neck. He took her hand in his and intertwined their fingers, an immediate sense of comfort washed over him, and it was his turn to sigh in contentment.
He didn't know what tomorrow would bring, he didn't know wether tomorrow she'd regret everything, or wether he'd chicken out and never bring the subject up again, he didn't know what it meant to her or if she had any idea what it meant to him; but he knew one thing: she was his, and he was hers. It didn't matter how long it'd take, or how much pain he'd have to endure, he would fight for her, for as long as he lived.
~
A/N: Hello wonderful people! I hope you are all well, and safe.
I enjoyed writing this chapter a lot so I hope you enjoy reading it! I wrote it with a lot of love in my heart.
When I started writing this story I was still in University, it was almost three years ago, I was a different person. I have come to realise that in these three years a lot has changed, but the one thing that hasn't is how much I care and how much I love these two broken little lovebirds, who really just want to live peacefully and happily in a world where danger and death isn't waiting for them around every corner.
There's so much pain in the world. So much injustice. So much violence and cruelty and selfishness, and this is my way of reminding myself of what matters. Of the good that exists despite the bad. Of why it is unacceptable to allow anyone to make you feel less than you are, or to limit your freedom to exist in this world as you are, in a space where you can be safe and cared for and in charge of your life. Everyone deserves that, and lately the unacceptable has been accepted a lot by the people in power.
I know this long note might look silly cause on the surface this is just a weird horny fanfic, but it allows me to put down a lot of thoughts and feelings I have about the state of my heart, of my mental health and of the world that surrounds me. When I write about feelings, sex, traumas, fears, I speak of what makes us human; yes, their experiences might be extreme but unfortunately their responses and the aftermath of what they've faced isn't that uncommon. Comfort can be scary, but everyone deserves to feel comfortable. Safety can be unsettling, but everyone deserves to feel safe. Love can be terrifying, but to love, and to be loved in return, is part of a series of unimpeachable human rights we all should uphold ourselves to.
I write about love, troubled, complicated, healing love, because it is the glue of existence in my opinion; and so many people don't have the privilege of experiencing it. They are not allowed, or are prevented from experiencing it. They don't have a choice because their choice is taken away from them.
So this is my advice to you, as a reader...
If you are not informed about the state of the world, get involved, educate yourself, care. It is your world too, and the people in it are just the same as you. Care about them. It's important to care.
And if you want to better understand the state of your mind or your heart, I would suggest writing, even if it's a silly little fanfic about Bucky Barnes. It helps. Maybe it might inspire others to do the same.
Thanks for reading.
Lots of love, Mary x