Aspen
I thought that after the business dinner, I went to with Grayson, him driving me to see my dad in the hospital, and his blatant telling me he would want to possibly try a relationship, things would get less confusing. But, of course, everything just ended up even more complicated. The past few weeks have only confused what we were even more so. I don't remember being half this confused during the last situation we were in. We had reached December and no word of that Grayson had decided on what he wanted to do.
"I don't know, it's so confusing," I told Kate as we were walking back from our English class we had together, "Like at the dinner we went to, he told me I was the exact person that he would want and told me he can't imagine it working out with anyone else, yet he still hasn't made a move. I don't know I mean I'm fine with taking it slow, I understand why he wants to take it slow. I just want a little communication I guess."
"Well he probably doesn't even know how he's feeling," Kate responds, shrugging "He isn't the most in touch with his emotions, Aspen."
"I'm trying to be patient and understand, I just don't want to be wasting my time in case he ends up deciding he doesn't want anything with me," I explained to her, and she nodded. We entered my apartment, grabbing some snacks from the pantry before retreating to my room, "He said he would know what he wanted by Thanksgiving. It's past that. I'm just trying to make sure I don't look stupid waiting around for him like this."
"Have you guys had like one on one time recently? Like obviously you guys live together but I mean like hanging out, watching a movie, cooking together like you used to?" Kate queried.
"Mm, actually now that you mention it I haven't seen him much since we got back from break," I reply, sorting through the past few weeks. Before Thanksgiving break everything was fine, we were doing homework every evening together, cooking breakfast and dinner together, and he even got me to go to the gym with him a few times. After the break, I could feel a vibe change in the apartment. I had asked him if everything was okay with his break and he had said yes so I believed him. We haven't done homework together once since we got back from break and I haven't seen him in the house more than a few times, "Oh my god, Kate do you think he's avoiding me? I genuinely could count the times I've seen him in the house on two hands the past week or so."
"Oh shit, yeah maybe," She hissed in a breath, "Maybe text asking if he's okay?"
I pulled my phone out, and Kate shifted her position on the bed to look over my shoulder.
Me: Hey how are you? I feel like I haven't seen much of you recently.
"That's good," Kate approved, "I mean honestly Aspen, likely, he's just busy with classes and finals. Like I'm a strong believer in 'if he wanted to he would' but I mean even you haven't been home much and when you are you're studying in your room."
"Yeah," I sighed, "I guess."
"It'll be fine," Kate assured me as we pulled out our studying materials for our finals this week.
Later that evening I managed to catch Grayson in the living room as I exited the bathroom from showering.
"Hey," I spoke, wringing my damp hair in a towel.
"Hey," Grayson smiled, "What's up?"
"Um, did you get my text earlier?" I asked, slowly approaching the couch.
"Oh shit, I probably did I just haven't been on my phone much today," Grayson rubbed his eyes, "It's been a long few weeks."
"Yeah," I managed a laugh and sat next to him, "I was just making sure we were good? I just feel like things have been kind of distant with us recently."
"No yeah, we're all good. I think just moving forward I'm really busy and I'm just struggling to balance everything you know? Like I love hanging out with you but I've got all of this graduation shit and finals and everything else. Plus trying to find time for myself you know," Grayson explains. I nod slowly, I feel selfish for bringing anything up.
"We're good though?" I clarified, Grayson smiled and pulled me into his side.
"We're good," Grayson kissed the side of my head and pushed my back for me to get up. I furrowed my brows at the action, retreating to my room. What the fuck? I called Kate, my friend immediately picked up.
"Did you guys talk?" was the first thing out of her mouth.
"Oh yeah we talked and it cleared up nothing," I reported, explaining to her everything he said and how he pushed me to get up from the couch.
"That's so weird, what is wrong with him?" Kate responded. We tried to dissect what he had said. He was trying to make time for me? Didn't seem like it. He's super busy? Make time. Pushing my back for me to go away? Got no idea what that was for. We're good except clearly, we aren't, "I mean you know my solution to these kinds of things."
"What's that?" I ask her, feeling defeated.
"Make him jealous, fixes everything," Kate shrugs, "Why don't you invite Ian to come over sometime to hang out that would piss him off."
"Because I don't want to risk ruining whatever we have going right now-" I begin, Kate cut me off.
"Which is nothing babe," Kate interrupted bluntly. At least she was keeping it real.
"Let me live in delusion," I groaned, lying down on my bed.
"Invite Ian over this week, get under his skin, trust me," Kate urges before hanging up. I let my phone fall to the bed. I didn't want to make Grayson jealous because part of me feared it wouldn't work, or that it would ruin any possible chance of us getting together again. Unfortunately, though, Kate was right. Grayson and I are nothing. Whatever happened those few weeks ago is over. He isn't interested. Fine.
I pulled up Ian's contact in my phone, clicking the Facetime button. After a few rings, he picked up.
"Hey gorgeous, what's up?" Ian smirks, I roll my eyes.
"I need your help," I sigh, mad at myself for resorting to this.
"Something I love to hear, what can I help you with?" I explained to him everything since we moved in. The arguments, Cape Cod, the dinner, the hospital, and finally tonight.
"You're his best friend, what does that even mean?" I quiz him, Ian bit his lip.
"Honestly," Ian began, "I have no idea what he's on. The only thing he's told me recently is that he cares about you and I mean all of us can tell how he feels about you. Like it's obvious to all of us he loves you so I honestly don't know what to tell you."
"Well, what should I do? Kate says make him jealous but that feels so wrong to me," I squirm, and Ian shrugs.
"I mean it would probably start the convo up on what you guys are. Get you guys a few steps towards putting some sort of label on it," Ian suggests, I think for a moment.
"True," I finally respond, "You want to help me?"
"Sure, better me than anyone else. He already hates when I joke about getting with you before he does," Ian admits.
"I'm going to ignore the fact you've thought about that, just be here tomorrow afternoon we can do homework or something," I order, Ian winks before hanging up the phone.
I hated having to play this stupid game just to get Grayson's attention back. If I have to do all of this jumping through hurdles just to get him to decide on what he wants, then do I even want to be with him? Why would I want to be with someone who is already making me feel like he doesn't want me?
I curled under my covers and decided to attempt to sleep on everything.
***
The next afternoon while Grayson was at the gym, Ian arrived. I ignored his passes at me and we set up our homework station in the living room so when Grayson got home he would see.
"Okay he's not here yet you don't have to be so close," I scold, scooching away from Ian on the rug.
"My bad," Ian put his hands up in surrender. I rolled my eyes and focused on my English final paper. Ian pulled out his study materials, calculus it looked like. His phone sat next to my computer, I couldn't help but look over at the screen when it buzzed. A text from "katieeee :)" had me slapping his arm.
"Oh my god! You're into Kate! I knew it!" I exclaimed, continuing to hit his arm repeatedly.
"Jeez, woman would you quit hitting me?" He slapped my hand away and turned his phone over, "We're just talking about a class we have together."
"Mhm," I teased, noticing his pink ears, "I knew she would be the one to make you celibate."
"She has not!-" Ian began fighting me but then we heard the door open. I scoot me and my school supplies closer to Ian and he stretches his arm behind me on the couch. He responded to Kate's text while we waited for Grayson to come upstairs. We finally heard his footsteps, Ian pretending to be interested in what I was writing about and me explaining my prompt about gaslighting in women's healthcare. Grayson stopped slightly as I looked up at him.
"Hey," I smiled, "How was the gym?"
"Hey, man!" Ian greeted, and Grayson's jaw tightened.
"Hey guys," He managed to say, continuing to walk to his room.
I furrowed my brows looking back at Ian. He shrugged. Grayson walked back out of his room and into the bathroom, starting the shower and shutting the door.
"Okay, what the hell," I sighed feeling defeated.
"He's not happy," Ian pointed out, "He probably will talk to you after I leave...And then send me a well-crafted text with many expletives."
"I guess," I shrug. Ian and I continued our little act until Grayson had passed us to go downstairs and then returned straight to his room, a slight slam to his door. Ian decides to head out leaving me to work on my paper alone in the living room. I turned on Gilmore Girls as I worked, needing something to be going on in the background to focus.
"Your boyfriend finally left?" Grayson taunted, sitting on the couch next to me, propping his feet on the table next to my laptop.
"Ian is nowhere close to my boyfriend, we were doing homework," I retorted, refusing to look at him. Grayson hm'd in response. I rolled my eyes. Another reason I didn't want to make Grayson jealous is that it is his most common and irritating trait. He's always been a jealous person. He's admitted to me he can't help it, he tries but he just gets so angry.
"So it's cool if I bring Natalie over?" Grayson asked, I dug my nails into the palms of my hands.
"You're not my boyfriend so I couldn't care less," I hissed, looking back at him, his eyes were searing looking into mine. I bit the inside of my cheek and returned my eyes to the TV.
I tried to focus on the paper in front of me, attempted to sort through my sources, and ignored the fact Grayson was unmoving from behind me.
"So you don't want to be with me," Grayson clarified, I froze, "Because I mean if you don't I should probably know that."
"Grayson, what is wrong with you?" I scolded turning around to face him, "You are the one who has been ghosting me the past two weeks, and I'm the one who doesn't want something? Grayson, I've been waiting for months for you to decide that you want me and you still haven't made up your mind! You are not allowed to be angry with me for hanging out with other guys when you are putting me in the position to do so."
Just like that, I knew where this conversation could go. The night it could bring us back to. We both stared at each other in painful understanding.
Grayson stood, returning to the comfort of his room. I rubbed my eyes and ran my hands through my hair, massaging my temples. Why was it a requirement for us to be so complicated? I took a few deep breaths, sipping my glass of water and cranking out the rest of my paper. I hit submit and leaned back against the couch. I didn't know exactly what to do with Grayson and I, so I just decided I would have to play the same game I did last year. Keep doing my own thing while secretly hoping he would choose me and decide to love me and let me love him.
I packed up my things into my backpack, shutting myself into my room. I opened my bedside table drawer staring at the lined paper Grayson handed me months ago. I shut the drawer. I just had an awful feeling in my gut that if I read those I would make him out to be even more faultless in my brain. I'd accept any apology he gave me and continue to be walked all over if it meant I still had him.
There is nothing worse than being a girl with a crush.
Which is all this was, I convinced myself. All the feelings I had for Grayson were based on fantasies I made up in my head. The reality of Grayson all of a sudden becoming who I needed and wanted and deserved was unlikely. I'd love to live in a delusion where that would be fine and acceptable, but I don't think I would ever feel like he truly wanted me. He's played with my feelings for almost a year, why would I continue to put myself through this?
I found myself in the kitchen blasting early 2000s female rage music while cooking and downing a bottle of wine, ignoring the fact I had a presentation for my digital marketing class at nine-thirty in the morning. As I was sauteing some peppers and onions and sipping my second glass of wine, I heard Grayson's pitter-patter of feet downstairs.
Grayson grabbed the bottle of wine and took a large swig of it. I stared at him and he finally met my eyes.
"My dad," Grayson stated matter-of-factly over the Paramore blasting in the kitchen.
"Ah," was all I responded with, adding minced garlic into the pan. I turned around to find Grayson opening the cans of crushed tomato and tomato paste for me. I watched his hands. God was testing me this evening. He handed me the cans of red and I poured them into the pan. The tension between us in this kitchen would be enough to make anyone leave the room out of respect for our privacy or fear of an argument. There was no need to talk, both of us were in bad moods and exhausted from finals, but one thing we could agree on is we were hungry and equally pissed off with each other. I poured some bowtie pasta into a pot of boiling water and placed a lid over the sauce I made before sitting up on the island across from where Grayson leaned against the counter. I held my hand out for the bottle of wine, my glass empty. I took it from Grayson's grasp and took down two large gulps, beginning to feel a buzz. I looked across to find Grayson's eyes staring at my lips as I pulled the bottle away. He looked up at me through hooded eyes, a look that he had never given me before. It wasn't one of want it was one of need. I stared confidently back into those eyes that looked grey in this lighting. I placed the wine bottle down on the counter, leaning back on my hands and revealing a small smirk.
"Stop looking at me like that," Grayson rasped, not tearing his eyes away from mine.
"Looking at you like what?" I muttered innocently, playing into the game of who would make the first move, both of us refusing to give in. My eyes fell to Grayson's hands, his knuckles were white holding onto the counter. I licked my bottom lip before returning my eyes to his. Grayson practically threw himself off the counter and grabbed my thighs, pulling me to the edge of the counter so I was straddling his torso in one swift motion. My hands rested on the area between his shoulders and neck, I ran my manicured thumbs along his jawline.
"Aspen," Grayson's jaw tightened along with his grip on my thighs.
"Deanie," I purred, Grayson's eyes flared with petty anger. I knew I was getting under his skin tonight, "Why are u in a mood hm?" I questioned softly, in almost a mocking tone. Grayson was struggling to control himself, I knew that and I wanted to make him angry. I wanted a reaction out of him.
"You know why," he said under his breath his eyes were meeting below my collar bone. I lifted his chin with one finger, our lips less than an inch apart.
"It isn't polite to stare, Deanie," I hissed before pushing his head away and returning to my spot at the stove, checking if the pasta was done. I took a few deep breaths, clearing my head. I wouldn't let anything physical happen between us until he gave "us" an official label. I watched out the corner of my eye and he threw the bottle away, grabbing another from the fridge. A perk of his dad being rich is being gifted copious amounts of wine after the last dinner. I grabbed two bowls, serving both of us heaping piles of pasta and tomato sauce, returning to my spot on the island, Grayson sitting next to me. We ate in silence next to each other, nothing but the blasting of Ignorance by Paramore echoing through the space, passing the wine bottle back and forth. I cleaned up the rest of my pasta shortly after Grayson. He already began the dishes, resorting to our rule whoever cooks doesn't have to clean up.
"Thanks," I spoke, Grayson just nodded as he rinsed out our bowls and loaded the dishes into the dishwasher. I watched his back muscles as he worked, and his arms. Too much wine. I shook my head, tearing my eyes away and hopping off the counter, catching my balance, "I'm going to shower and go to bed."
"Have a blast," Grayson teased, I slapped him upside the head and retreated upstairs to take a very cold shower.