There was something so soothing about watching Eibhlin cook up close instead of hidden away on a staircase either cloaked in shadow or my Seiðr. She was so beautiful, serene, and joyful as she fluttered from oven to counter and back again. It was the same dance she did at markets, festivals, feasts, and more; the choreography ingrained, the steps as perfectly executed as her knife skills. I ground the almonds for the base of the daimiskake I had convinced her to make instead of the sitronfromasj she had been contemplating as well as the riskrem med tyttebærpære Thor had begged for. It had been no true competition once I had sold Stark on the idea and reminded Thor that he had picked the main course of the grilled whole salmon instead of Eibhlin's suggested sosekjøtt or pinnekjøtt that she thought would be less polarizing than fish. Stark had reassured her that fish, or seafood in general as he claimed, was a staple in the house on order in nights.
As I sat there, contently watching her as she worked, I could not help but think once more of what life would have been like had I told her all those years ago how I had felt. I knew for certain if I had, I never would have dated either Sif or Fandral; relationships that while tumultuous at best had helped me to learn not only more about what I wanted out of life but also what I did not want. As much as I might have wished to erase those moments, or at least pause and hit replay so I could do them once more, correctly this time, the lessons I had learned were invaluable and I would not have changed them for anything. It didn't lessen the regret I felt for all the wasted years though.
I could not help but think back over the last twenty years when I truly knew that what I felt for Eibhlin was more than just a kinship with someone who had been discarded as well. I remembered in exquisite detail that first Åkervekking celebration where I had broken her heart in choosing Sif, only to break her heart further each time I had called her a cruel name for the benefit of my friends. My stomach flipped and my heart sank as every instance in which I had referred to her as 'dog girl', 'mutt', and 'little beast' like a coward to hide my true feelings, as if that would somehow lessen them raced through my mind. How she had still managed to love me despite it all, I would never understand.
Her hand grasped mine, a carving knife far too close to my fingertips as I had gotten lost in my memories while helping her to gash the fish for better flavor and temperature. "My Heart, why so distracted? Is everything alright?"
I nodded, setting the knife down as she bumped me out of her way to take over with her hip to my thigh. "Just lost in a memory, I suppose."
"A good one I hope."
"A rather difficult one, actually," I muttered, washing my hands.
"Was it about... Him...?"
I shook my head at her anxious question. "No. No, it was about all the time I wasted being cruel to you."
Eibhlin offered me a soft knowing smile. "I have told you many times that there is nothing to fear. We were young and on very different paths in life. They met precisely when they were meant to and no sooner."
"It was a brief meeting before I allowed myself to careen off path."
Her sigh filled my ear as she came near, careful not to touch me with her oily, fishy hands as she rested her cheek on my back between my shoulder blades as she had done many times before. "We found our way back to one another though... I like to think that is how we know this is real; that we were meant for one another."
Turning, I wrapped her in my arms, slowly lifting hers to my neck as I began to sway with her; just slow dancing in the kitchen to the beat of our hearts. She smiled up at me, those stunning eyes of hers so warm and filled with nothing but love. "I will never be able to thank the Æsir enough for you."
"Thank your mother, she knew before we did..."
A chuckle escaped me, my mind remembering Mother's words from the dungeons. "She did... I think that's why she brought you to Asgard, she knew that we were destined to be together, to make the other's life better..."
I felt the ring in my pocket; I had taken it from the other pair of pants to keep on my person for safekeeping. Stark had offered me the use of his safe after my failed attempts the night before, yet I had wanted to keep it on me in case I randomly got up the courage to try again. While now wasn't a good time, a moment like this would be. Next time...
"Do you remember when you sang to me in the dungeons?"
I nodded, pushing some hair away from her face. "I wanted to comfort you... I had never hated Odin as much as I did in that moment, unable to see you yet tortured by your screams. I remembered the times Åge had sung to you, or Hlíf and Thyra when you were but a child nearly a hundred years ago; how no matter how your day had been, they soothed you."
"You have always been a soothing presence," she smiled, her head dipping forward as she rested her forehead on my chin. "From that first meeting when you told me to tune the All-Father out, to the way you protected me from Sir Roar to all of the times you lent me your folklore book. You have always been the one I felt safest with, most understood by."
"Even if I tortured you when we were young?"
"Even if you tortured me when we were younger," she laughed. I kissed her forehead, sighing as her ears did their little happy dance that they did each time I kissed her like this. "You will forever be my favorite person to dance through life with just like this; though perhaps with less fishy fingers."
"I love that you are my person and I am yours; that whatever door we come to, we will open together. There is no hardship I would not face without your hand in mine, Little Dove."
She simply sighed; sometimes there was no need for additional words, Eibhlin was a master of knowing this. It was why our silences were rarely uncomfortable; she was the only one who could look at me and know how I felt, just as she could tell me with her eyes exactly how she felt. There were not enough known words for the adoration I held for this wonderful woman.
I turned her, wrapping my arms around her waist once more so she could finish the fish, my right hand moving to the small puff of stubborn belly fat where she had stabbed herself so many years ago. Her painful secret, the driving force behind why she had done as she had, was forever on my mind each time I saw the deep, jagged, birthmark-like scar. I wondered if she would be able to carry a child again, if she'd want to; if we even could have children given our differing races. It had been a subject I had never felt comfortable enough to broach, mostly because we had not been intimate until recently. Now though, a part of me wondered if it was something we should discuss before I proposed, even if it would not sway me one way or the other.
With the fish prepped and seasoned, she had me help her carry it out onto the grill that Rhodes had taught her to use earlier. It was overly complicated as even Rhodes admitted, but there it was able to hold a temperature even when cooking with wood shavings; a technique Eibhlin had often utilized to cook the fish back home to give it a delicate aroma. She placed the fish on the two levels, making sure the temperature was where she wanted it before adding the cedar chips as Rhodes had shown her. She sighed gently stepping back as she closed the lid, unsure.
"I hope this works as Rhodes and Tony promised. I will be very put out if it does not."
"I'm sure it will be just as delectable as you are, Little Dove; though the only one who will know that will be me." She chuckled adorably as I nibbled at her neck. "Even if the fish burns a little, it will still be lovely and your dill sauce will help to mask any potential dryness."
"Your reassurances are still not helping my nerves..."
Kissing her lips, I ran my thumb along her jaw letting it rest on her plump bottom lip when I pulled away. "Everything is going to be fine. It does not have to be perfect; it will be perfection because you did it, and you did it with love."
"You're right. Of course, you are right. Potatoes?"
"Potatoes," I smirked in agreement, leading her back inside to help her finish the sides while the fish slowly roasted over the coals.
I had recognized Stark's guest of honor but I could not place him. At least not immediately. Once it was confirmed that he was the man I had seen in the gymnasium with the soldier the other day, I could once more understand why the tensions were high. That meeting had been meant to be a secret one, and Stark's knowledge of all of the goings on had greatly unnerved Rogers. A happy accident if you were to ask me.
Tensions were high, higher than I knew Eibhlin enjoyed. She had grown up in this sort of chaos, both on Asgard and before she had come. She had never done well around raised voices, a perpetual peacekeeper as Mother would say and it had always shown in the way she carried herself and handled situations of conflict. Even when we had our arguments, she would never yell; she never needed to, she knew exactly how to focus her anger without having to scream. It was one of the things I loved most about her and it was why I knew this life would have long killed me if I did not have her to ground me.
I slid her hand into mine, my thumb slowly running over hers. Even Thor seemed aware of the way Eibhlin shivered despite the heat in the room, forever as in tune with her as I was. Though I would never say it aloud, it was one thing that made him an outstanding elder brother. She cleared her throat softly, rising from her seat. I tried to pull her back down but she shook me away, saying she was just going to check on a few things and would not be gone long. Barton and Wanda glanced toward me as Eibhlin turned away from the table and I nodded at both of them, busying myself with helping Wanda to serve the food as Eibhlin agreed with our doing while Barton went to check on her. If she would not allow me to comfort her, I knew Barton was the next best option to Stark, Thor, or Wanda.
When they returned, I helped her into her chair; a not-so-hidden excuse to try to read into her mind, one she immediately saw through and stopped me from doing. I had to give it to her, she truly was far stronger than I knew. Still, I couldn't help but pull her chair closer to me, a small grin of glee overtaking me as Thor glowered.
"Now, I know most of the people at this table either from reports I've seen or personal interactions, but I've never seen this beautiful lady before," the new man said as he offered his hand to her.
I watched him carefully, my hand snaking behind Eibhlin to rest against the small of her back. While I doubted this man would think of bringing harm to her in front of all of us, I still struggled with the thought of other people touching her, even in kindness. Eibhlin had been through enough, both before and since coming to Asgard, and all by the hands of men, including my own. She didn't need me to protect her anymore if she ever had to begin with, but I would be damned if I'd let her be touched by someone she didn't want to be by ever again. Besides, she was a Lady of Asgard, an adopted daughter of Odin; he should have been bowing to her, not trying to touch her.
Eibhlin seemed unphased, however, and Sam seemed to be a decent fellow; releasing her hand as quickly as he had taken it. I couldn't help but cock an eyebrow however when he mentioned getting her a list of some kind. I'd have to ask about this list and all it entailed later when Stark and Rogers were no longer bickering like children.
Despite the amusement of it all, it was bothering Eibhlin tremendously the longer it went on, even with them out of the room. I watched as Agent Romanov shoved Rogers back, forcing him out toward the patio while Pepper gently tucked on Stark's arm, her hand cupping the side of his face to redirect his attention as he repeatedly muttered that he was fine, calm. He didn't seem to be either though.
The gentle squeeze of my hand pulled me back and I glanced at her, her words of praise for my help with dinner bringing a smile to my face. She was always so thoughtful, so giving; the only one who had ever truly seen me and not because she wanted to use me. I would never understand why she'd chosen me, as lost and overlooked as I had been. As conversation picked up, I tried to engage; tried to continue to show her and everyone else that I was more than a lost bet because of her. She deserved the world and I was determined to give it to her no matter what.
As Banner returned though, I couldn't help but notice the way she shrunk once more; her shoulders drooping much like her ears, I imagined. Reassuringly, I rose to go and check on Stark. While I knew Eibhlin would have ultimately preferred it if I checked on both Stark and Rogers, despite his pomposity, I wasn't as caring. Not after what he had said.
I found Stark leaning against a wall, Pepper trying to soothe him. "Pep, I said I'm fine."
"Except you're not. I know when you're okay and this, this is not okay. This has classic Asshole Tony written all over it, not the new Healthy Tony."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"You don't, huh? Alright, I can play this game too. I bet Eibhlin is happy she spent her entire day cooking all of this food for us just so your ego could overshadow everything."
"Alright, that's enough out of you."
"No, really. I'm surprised we got you out of the door with your head as swollen as it is."
"You know what, Pep," he smiled, grabbing her roughly as she smirked. "You're out of control."
"Am I?"
"Mhmm. And I know just the remedy," I watched as Stark kissed Pepper then. It was sweet despite everything.
Coughing, I tried to respectfully let them know I was nearby. Pepper looked up and over at me first, smiling softly while Stark sighed. "How pissed is she?"
"She is more concerned than she is angry; just as she always is."
"Heart of gold on that one."
"She is unfailingly kind," I sighed, pausing a few feet away watching as Stark continued to hold Pepper close as if she was his lifeline. We truly were rather similar in far too many ways.
"A trait people never fail to undervalue-"
"Or extort." Pepper smacked the back of his head then. "Ow, what?"
"I apologize for Tony's lack of... everything."
I shook my head, chuckling. "I understand. Eibhlin has had to do the same for me a time or two as well. We are flawed creatures."
"Speak for yourself, Reindeer Games. I am the embodiment of Mary Poppins."
"No, no you're not," Pepper sighed. She scrunched her nose the same way Eibhlin did when she tried to stifle a laugh that she knew would only encourage my shenanigans.
"I do not know what a Mary Poppins is, nor am I interested, and though I enjoy watching the captain knocked down a peg or two at any opportunity as much as the next fellow, I do know that Eibhlin worked quite hard on this dinner. I'd hate to see it ruined."
"I just... I expect this from Fury or our triple imposter, specifically since for the longest time they only wanted to use me as a consultant given the whole reformed narcissism thing."
"I think you mean 'work in progress'," Pepper corrected as Stark rolled his eyes.
"Agreed," he reluctantly admitted after a moment; "regardless, I've worked hard to be a team player, to make this whole super-secret boy band thing work for not only me but everyone else. Though I gotta agree with Reindeer Games, it is fun to be a problem Rogers has to deal with; more so when he's the cause of my grief."
"You can't hold a grudge forever, Tony; not when it affects everyone else around you as well."
"She's right, Stark; much as I dislike admitting it."
"Oh sure, now you choose the path of the Jedi," Stark groaned. He crossed his arms childishly, glancing between the two of us before he sighed. "Fine, but I'm not sharing any of my cookies. Those are for good little Siths only. Bet I could get Evie to join the dark side, she has a thing for bad boys after all."
"Not a chance; and you are lukewarm at best, Stark."
"Honey, are you gonna let him talk about me like that?"
"You're both morally grey, now go and apologize to both Eibhlin and Steve."
Dinner continued after Stark and Rogers swallowed their pride and patched things over, though their body language said that it was only temporary. Given the slight on both ends, I could understand their points of view though I was unequivocally on Stark's side and not simply because of my disdain for the soldier. Despite the good-natured conversation that took place as everyone completed their meals, I couldn't help but notice the way things were hinted at and just how secretive Rogers and Romanov had been, or thought they had been. Judging by the way Stark, Rhodes, Clint, and even Banner responded to the small touches between the two and the stories Sam shared, none of this was truly news to anyone but those of us on the lower end of the chain of command. So much for mutual trust and family.
My mind wandered; simultaneously tired of trying to figure them all out and afraid of having to accept that the haven Eibhlin felt she had found here, that I had hoped we could hide within, had begun to feel like yet another fallacy just as Asgard was. I distracted myself with thoughts of our morning. Eibhlin made the most beautiful sounds when she was in the throes of passion; a beautiful lento that started at the barely audible pianississimo across the basses and brasses and rose through the strings to the woodwinds in growing tempo and volume to the culmination of her crescendo. She held an entire symphony within her and why wouldn't she when she was the embodiment of my very heart dwelling outside of my body?
The thought of it all had caused an ache within me, and not just one of a sexual nature. No, I wanted to hold her, to kiss her scars, to feel safe in her arms; which was a phenomenon I was still getting used to even after a full year of sleeping beside her each night. So, when Stark made it clear that Eibhlin was not to help with clean-up and practically shooed us away to 'go and do whatever it was we Asgardians did to relax', I leaped at the chance to take Eibhlin back to our room to do just that, wanting the sense of safety and calm she brought me, more so after Thor's comments regarding the Mad Titan and my knowledge of Eibhlin's impending betrothal to the Troll Lord Headsman's son.
She was having none of it though. And her distrust of my agenda only seemed to grow the more Stark talked, urging us to take a specific path down to the lakefront. Leave it to Stark to possibly ruin everything with his big heart and even bigger mouth.
With a sigh, I tightened my grip on her hand and practically dragged her outside. I didn't want a repeat of the previous night's attempt at a proposal, Hel, I was not even certain I was ready to propose after all. Even if there was a slim chance it would save her from being married off, I could not ask her for that reason alone. Though I knew I wanted to spend my life with Eibhlin, did I want to put her life even further at risk if Thanos was looking for me? I had sworn to protect her despite her not needing me to, yet how could I do that when any choice I made would put her in danger?
As we walked in silence to the lake, I calmed some, or at least I allowed her to think I had. Internally, I was still a swirling cacophony of negative emotions. There was fear of what would be done to her if she remained by my side, of what would become of me if she were to leave; and rage over how powerless I felt to change anything. There was bitterness that our lives had not been kinder; that these moments of carefully stolen happiness were what we had to live for instead of it being something we could enjoy every moment of each day. I felt all of it and more. And the more I felt, the more fearful I became of losing what we had because losing what I had with Eibhlin would surely mean the death of my soul. While my body would live on, it would only exist in a half-life; void of any emotions, both positive and negative, numb to everything around me until my heart ceased to beat.
I spared her a glance, my gaze softening as I found her smiling up at me. Pulling her to me, I kissed her deeply, needing her to know that my love did not come with strings attached; that to me, she was both a mighty ocean and a gentle kiss, that it was a privilege to love her, and that I would always consider it the greatest honor to hold her. I needed her to understand that I would love her with everything I had, even on days when what I had was little more than a thimble of patience; that I wouldn't have made it this far if I had not had her holding my hand... That I was only as good as I was because she saw my ability to be so when no one else did. That for all of the years I had left to live no one would ever mean to me what she did.
As I twirled her around, her laughter filling the night air, I felt complete. Her ribcage pressed against my face as she leaned back, her arms held out as I turned round and round holding her in the air, her body cradled against me. She was the most soothing creature I was blessed to know, the cure for all of my scars, and so much more. Eibhlin curled her body back toward me, lowering her face until her forehead rested on mine, our eyes locked as she whispered those three simple, yet powerful words that made me better than I had ever been before.
I continued to hold her there as we talked about her reluctance to return to Asgard. I knew I needed to tell her of Odin's plan, of the signed treaty, yet each time I thought of telling her all I could think of was all of the burdens she already carried. More so when she mentioned her fear that my never being king would not be enough. That was not a burden I wanted her to carry nor a fear I wanted her to hold. She was the most important part of my life; there was no kingdom without her, no life that did not include her...
I set her down long enough to press her back and up against a tree. I would have claimed her then and there once more if I thought it would have helped to ease the struggle within her mind. This was a struggle though that would not be so easily swayed and I was running out of ideas of just how to do so. All I knew was that I did not want to be anywhere she wasn't. I had found exactly what Mother had always hoped I would find, something I could hold onto, someone who was there for me even when I could not be there for myself; a home, a person worth dying. I had come alive when I'd first kissed Eibhlin, found sanctuary within the comfort of her arms, and had learned exactly what kind of king I wanted to be; not a conqueror like my Tyr, nor a pompously benevolent king like Odin, but a creator like Bor... Someone who would build a world that would not only accept people like myself and Eibhlin but embrace us. She deserved that and for her, I would make it happen; even if I had to burn the realms to make it so.
"I do not wish to return to Asgard if you are not by my side," I told her, my fingers digging into her skin beneath the striped shirt she wore.
"I do not wish to return to Asgard if it means we must hide in the shadows."
My eyes searched her terrified ones; these last few days having been such a wild ramble over uneven terrain. "Hear this now, I am not going to let Odin stop us from having the life we desire, from being together in whatever way we deem fit," I promised her, my hands cupping her face, my thumbs stroking her cheekbones still prominent despite her full cheeks. "From this day forward, I vow that any choice made revolving around our futures shall be made by us and us alone. No one, not Odin, not Thor, no one but you and I will be given the chance to keep us from the life we want, the life we deserve. Only us, Little Dove; only we will have a say in where we go from here." Tilting her head then, I bit at her long, slender neck her gasp making me grip her hips roughly for just a moment before I soothed her once more just as she did me. "You are mine, and I am yours," I growled, low and deep; nuzzling against her throat while she trembled. "You've turned my life into a journey of love, happiness, and acceptance. So much so that every second I spend with you, I fall even more in love with you. It is a feeling I will gladly surrender to over and over again."
"Like the ocean's tides..." Eibhlin grinned, her voice quivering along with the rest of her; "We were inevitable."
"We are indeed." I buried my nose into the crown of her head, letting her ears no longer hidden by her braids flutter against my skin. "Much more than that though, Little Dove, we are an unseen force guided by something far greater than ourselves."
"Glorious purpose." Her head tilted back then, her mossy eyes illuminated in the moonlight that she embodied as if she was made of nothing but magic and starlight, just as she always had been in my eyes.
The words sounded so strange though I had said them so many times these last few years; I was Loki of Asgard, burdened by glorious purpose. Yet what was that glorious purpose? Was it to love this young woman for the rest of my life, was it to make the world a better place for her and all of those like her, or was it something more? I did not know, but for now, I was satisfied by the idea that our love, at least, was one part of my glorious purpose.