❝AND IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT I CAN'T BE WHAT YOU NEED❞
MILEY CYRUS, ANGELS LIKE YOU
After placing a beautiful bunch of flowers at the joint grave of Philip and Matthew Hartwick, her father and brother, Valentina spoke a few words, a practice she often did monthly. She had not been to their shared grave since June, just before the mentorship began and if not for her mother, their headstone would be dirtied and flowers of the dead would be resting beside.
It had been too long, close to four months, since she had paid her past loved ones a visit. She hadn't meant to, it was just too difficult now that she had a third person to visit. The redhead Hartwick had delayed her next visit once she was freed from the burden of being a mentor, having her emotions drowned in heartbreak and then again, in a far more severe capacity with the death of Sejanus Plinth. But it was time she came back to her routines, especially now with her studies being in full swing.
After bidding her goodbyes to her father and brother, she walked along to the plot that belonged to the Plinth family, the grave that stored the cold body of her fallen friend. It wasn't too hard to find, she was there for the funeral, though now with a headstone and the muck covered in grass, the plot had completely transformed from the last visit Valentina had - which was the funeral itself.
"Hi, Sej." Valentina said, placing some flowers against his headstone. The flowers were a yellow, almost golden colour that reminded Valentina of Sejanus the moment she saw them. Their sweet scent that closely resembled honey only added to the warmth they brought to his grave, mixing in with the other flowers placed delicately by Mrs. Plinth. "It's been a long time, hasn't it?"
She leans down, looking over the headstone as she traces a finger over the italic text. His name, birthday, death day and a quote, a beautiful quote that resembles Sejanus Plinth wonderfully. "I brought you some flowers, I hope you like them." She smiled sadly, sitting down on the grass, in between the headstone and pathway.
She took a moment to take in the sight, the marbled headstone that she was sure had cost a pretty penny mixed with the golden text laid on top of the stone. It was luxurious, it fit in well with the Capitol exterior the Plinth family carried dearly. The flowers that were placed to bring colour onto the plot, to show Sejanus he was not forgotten.
"I miss you so much, you've missed so much." She told him, hoping that he was listening to her. All she had left was a piece of hope, the dangerous emotion that brought optimism to whatever fate Sejanus had in death.
There was no proof of an afterlife. She couldn't know if he was looking down or spirited around her. She had the desire, the illusion that he was an angel, a beautiful winged ghost that could protect those who needed it. That's who Valentina imagined Sejanus to be but it was a false reality, it was unhealthy and something that would hold her back.
"Coryo is back and I feel horrible for still loving him and I keep fighting the want to be with him but it's getting so hard, Sej." She told him, tearing up as she the realisation dawned upon her on what she had to do - of a thing she was scared to do. "I miss your letters, they were so precious to me. I still have them all, every last one." The letters sat neatly in her box of letters, mixed with those from Coriolanus and birthday cards she had accumulated over the years. She couldn't get rid of them, they were all she had left of him.
"I miss your smile and your hugs even more." Valentina brings her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs as she speaks out, the memory of him haunting her mind. "Your hugs were so warm and comforting, I wish I could have one right now."
Her tears fall, one after the other as she tries not to fall into a sob. It was Sunday, she still had places to go - she couldn't go anywhere with a tear stained face or bloodshot eyes, "I wish we could go back to how things were before the games, Sej."
"But... I don't think that's possible. Too much has happened, so much has changed." She whispers out, placing her head onto her knees as the tears fall forward, the salty water landing on her pale skin, rolling down to her ankles.
"I have to move on, Sejanus. I will always love you, my brother." Her heart ached, not wanting to leave Sejanus behind but it was inevitable and she knew, deep down, the longer she waited to live on, the harder it would become. "It is time for me to let you go, isn't it?" She asked herself, a hand clutching her blouse, nearing her heart that was shooting with pain.
Valentina dries her eyes, shifting her position with criss-crossed legs, wiping her tears from her face as she takes a deep breath. "If I don't, I'm not sure I'll survive the future I am creating." She spoke, thinking about her internship and the reality that Sejanus would not approve of her causing so much harm against the Districts. At least, that is how he would see it. To Valentina it meant control, the ability to construct the way they received their punishment and reminder of the rebellion.
Becoming a Gamemaker and eventually the Head Gamemaker, the power in her hands and the control she had... it felt good. It felt natural. She knew her father would be so proud of her, there was no doubt in her mind about him, perhaps even her brother. But Sejanus? Sejanus would try and convince her to stop the games, that they were inhumane.
Valentina couldn't bring herself to want that, even if she were to try. Her future lay within the games and now everything made sense. The deep knowing that the life in the studio that could be handed to her without the bat of an eye was not for her, the unknown to what she would become; it was all because she hadn't had the taste of controlling the games. "I'm becoming a different person, Sej. I don't know if you'd like the Valentina I am becoming."
"But it is who I am and maybe who I always have been, just to a bigger, darker scale." She sighed. Their friendship defied the odds stacked against them, Capitol and District united as one. Perhaps it was fate, to be separated and brought to the realisation they weren't truly alike but Valentina refused to believe that was all their friendship was.
She loved Sejanus, nothing could change that. They were siblings by choice, ignoring the different blood and class they came from. They were a beautiful pair, one that proved you can be friends despite all that came between.
But she had to let go. Not of Sejanus, or her love for him, but of the grip he had on her. Even in his death, she could hear him shouting around her and arguing against her actions. She had to let go of his ideologies and wishes for the world.
"It feels so good, Sejanus, having power." She looked up to the sky, breathing in and out as she admitted the truth she had held in from the first day she met Bobbin, the day she became a mentor and forced into the world of the Hunger Games so directly.
"You'd hate the person I'm becoming but I can't stop it, I won't stop it." Her truth was spoken, nothing could tear her away from the life she was beginning to crave. She wanted to cause chaos within the games, she wanted to control the way the Capitol citizens viewed the tributes. She had many ideas, many personas to fill. It was only a matter of time until she brought them into existence with the help from Dr. Gaul. "I love you but I can't be sorry for who I am and I'm not looking for your forgiveness."
Valentina stood up, walking towards the headstone and trailed a finger across the top. "I'll visit when I can, Sejanus, I promise." She said, backing away from the plot of grass and onto the pathway. "Until next time, my fallen brother."
Her words faded into the small summer breeze as she walked away, feeling bittersweet as she continued on, each passing step became lighter and lighter as she felt the weight disappear from her shoulders. A new, fresher confidence overcame Valentina as she feels herself embrace the woman she is becoming, a woman she has been growing into. A fierce, strong and powerful woman who will stop at nothing.