"These pains you feel are messengers. Listen to them." ~ Rumi
Present day
It was well past midnight when Adrian arrived home. Before he pushed the front door open, he rechecked the state of his clothes and ensured there were no weird smells on his coat and jacket. A part of him hoped that when he opened the door, she would rush towards him wearing that sexy, genuine smile that turned his world upside down. Deep down, though, he felt it was better if Diana were asleep in the guest bedroom. All he wanted was to take a quick shower and drop into bed. Alone.
Unfortunately, none of his preferred scenarios was in play when he entered the cozy living room. His wife was wide awake, sitting cross-legged on the couch with her laptop on her lap. She gave him a timid smile and what he perceived as a half-hearted "I'm so happy that you're home."
Diana was wired from the news of her promotion and from the email she received at her old address. When she heard the key pushed into the front door lock, she couldn't wait to see Adrian. He would make everything better. Her heart and brain would stop bickering, and she would crawl into his lap, soothed by his embrace. Together, they would figure out what was the best decision. Unfortunately for her, she saw a glimpse of disappointment on her husband's face, even though he quickly tried to conceal it with a smile.
"Hey, babe, what are you doing up?" Adrien asked her.
"Oh, just waiting for you and sorting through some stuff. Tough day?"
Although he detected genuine concern in her voice, Adrien was annoyed. He tried to look at her and make himself at least like her at that moment, but it simply didn't work that way.
"I'm beat, babe. All I want is to take a quick shower and go to bed. Wanna join?" The invitation was an automatism, and they both felt it. He extended it out of pure habit. "Eleven years with someone would do that to you," he thought.
While taking off his clothes and preparing to jump into the shower, Adrian remembered their first months in this apartment. How Diana used to greet him at the door in sexy lingerie, or how they left post-its with sweet messages for each other. Sometimes, after a hard day at work, one would prepare a nice dinner and a pick-me-up movie for the other, who was running late.
Then, he went further back, thinking about the days in their hometown in Romania, where they were always surrounded by friends and family, and the weekends meant board games, fun trivia nights, and hiking. He thought of the sex, and the kisses, and of the time when a simple glance from Diana made his insides melt and scream that she not only had his heart but his soul.
On the couch, Diana shut the laptop's lid and tried very hard not to let her tears fall. She had known for a while that something wasn't right with their marriage but was afraid to question it. And now, all that seemed to go through her mind were doubts and questions. "When did we stop communicating? Did we ever truly and honestly speak to each other?" she asked herself. Then she heard that soul-shattering velvety voice: "You know what I think, Roman? Relationships are like a living organism. They need nurturing to survive and evolve. And lots of care because they transform constantly. I truly believe that after decades of marriage, people can still find joy in each other if they embrace who they become. It just takes a lot of effort." The memory brought out her tears, and Diana wept quietly in her hands.
Adrien was on his way to check on his wife when he heard her sobs. He was now at a loss as to how he should proceed. An angel and a devil were fighting inside of him. His good side wanted nothing more than to sweep her in an embrace, dry her tears, and tell her everything would be OK. The bad one was tired of her tears and would like nothing more than to mix some hurt with her crying. "She's been acting extra-weird for at least a week. Push some more buttons, tell her about Linda, tell her how insufferable she's become." he thought.
Opting to listen to none of his inner voices, Adrien stepped into the living room. "Babe, what's wrong?" he asked cautiously.
Hearing his question made Diana cry harder. She felt beyond confused. Was she crying because she was overwhelmed by the choice she had to make regarding her profession? Was she sad because of her marriage? Was she grieving for a man that haunted her?
"I think I'm broken," she choked out.
"Aren't we all?" Adrien sighed and sat next to her on the couch, "Everyone goes through stuff, babe. You just live too damn much inside your head. Aren't you tiring yourself out?"
Normally, she would react differently to his callousness but decided to let it slide. "You're right. I am tired, so I'll go to bed."
Diana got up to walk away, but Adrien caught her hand. "At least tell me what triggered you. Was it me? I'm sorry!"
A half-hearted apology. She sighed, "No, it's fine. We don't have to talk about it. Least of all now. It's late, and we both need sleep..."
"Neither of us will get any sleep if we don't at least breach the subject. You know that. Just... what happened? You were all over the place when I came home."
"OK," she said while sitting back on the couch, "I'll just get it out, and we can debate in the morning. Deal?"
"Sure, I guess."
"So... I got a promotion. But I also received a positive answer from another job I applied for a while ago. And I don't know what to do. That's pretty much it."
Adrien was silent for almost a minute, thinking if this was the time to cross a line. Diana watched him, unsure. Finally, he made a decision.
"Nothing is ever enough for you, is it?" his question came out full of anger. "You know what? I'm tired of this shit! I thought going from Copywriter to Creative Director was what you've always wanted. Wasn't your need for professional recognition the reason you dragged us half across the world? Now, after two years, TWO YEARS at an internationally renowned agency, you're telling me it's not what you want? God damned it, Diana, I can't keep up with your whims anymore. I'm fucking exhausted!"
Diana could finally see it in Adrian's eyes: their broken relationship, the fundamental differences between them, the last remains of love they had for each other, his deep resentment of her, and no way of turning back. Still, she couldn't find what words to say. She simply looked at him brokenhearted, tears furiously streaming down her face.
It was well past 2 A.M., and while Diana stood unmovable on the green couch in the living room, crying silently, Adrian was packing a bag. His heart was heavy, maybe a little broken, but he was done, finished. Of course he blamed her for leaving everything behind. He even blamed her for his affair with Linda. "Haven't I given her everything? I left my friends and family for her!" he thought. He came with her to the States, hoping that after she would rise in the ranks at work, she would be ready for them to start a family. And now she wanted something else.
She had been everything to him, and he tried to be everything to her. Didn't he? Damn her for changing! Damn her for always searching for answers to unanswerable questions, life purposes, meanings behind every little thing. Always wanting to improve, to learn, to see everything. Couldn't she just stand still and love him?
Diana was startled to see Adrien stroll into the living room dressed and carrying a bag.
"What are you doing?" she asked in a high-pitched voice.
"I'm going to a hotel, then spending the weekend at Kevin's. I can't be near you right now," he answered firmly, not leaving any room for discussion.
Diana stared incredulously at her husband, the person who had been her best friend for the last ten years. Then, without a word, she turned and went into the bedroom. There was no way she would watch him leave. Once she heard the front door close, she collapsed on the bed and resumed her crying.