The bedroom door opens slowly and Thomas comes in, he looks terrible and has dark bags under his eyes, he tries to sneak past me while laying down and looks at me with wide eyes when I turn around. he looks at me and pulls me close to him and kisses my head.
"Thomas..."
"No, I can't, I really can't."
"if you ever loved me please do it, this afternoon I couldn't remember if you were Thomas or Voldemort and my emotional toughts make me think the most horrible things. I don't know if you ever really loved me but but at this moment I know that I love you and that's how I want to remember you, I want to say goodbye properly and you can always wake me up if you have a solution, but that won't happen and we both know that, please Thomas do it for me ."
"I love you more than you will ever know Ollivander, but look at how I handled things with you, how I damaged you with my feelings. I'm afraid I'm ruining our child just as much as my father did to me. I cant do this alone."
I crawl closer to him and place his hand on my stomach.
"You have to, I know that somewhere inside there is a loving person, a protective person and you can show this to your son. You are the only one who can decide how he will see you and I trust you will make the right choice."
Somewhere I feel the doubt rising again and try to ignore it, it has to be done. I wanted to say at first you have your mother but I know her help won't be the best. He kisses me and for a moment I feel happy again, loved and not suspicious, but I know that all those feelings will come back and get worse. he pulls me on top of him and looks down at my stomach in shock.
"nothing will happen to him, don't worry, you see, you're already worried"
he rolls his eyes and pushes his lips back to mine, his arms around me, I wish I could linger in this feeling forever. it feels like we have never been so connected and when he gently pushes himself inside me after my approval it feels different than all the other times, love is the only thing I feel at the moment and it seems like he feels the same. slowly we both move while our lips never leave each other, our breathing becomes faster and I can't help but cry, knowing that this is goodbye. hugged, our hips move in sync and Thomas, who normally looks at me with a grin, now keeps his eyes closed while he caresses my back, I will never know what he really felt for me, but at the moment all I feel is love.And that is exactly how I want to remember him, no matter how much I have been through because of him, I love him. I have tried to love others but no one has been able to give me the satisfaction that Thomas gives me and I have to accept that, I have to have faith that he will take good care of our son and trust him. every touch feels ten times more intense and I fully enjoy this moment knowing that this is the last time.
We reach our climax together but neither want to let go of each other and remain still while his arms are still around me. his fingers comb through my hair and now and then he kisses my forehead. After half an hour of silence I lie down next to him and put his hand on my stomach while we both stare at the ceiling. Now that the moment is getting closer, I'm getting nervous, but I'm determined, I don't want to slowly go crazy and I don't want an attack like this afternoon anymore, that can't be good for the baby I'm doing all this for. This is the right time and if Thomas finds a solution he will wake me up, but I know that there is none, in addition to the nerves for the unknown, I also feel peaceful that this turbulent existence is over and I hope that my son will have a better life than both parents have had.
"Thomas"
he turns and kisses me as he slowly gets down on his knees.
"are you sure ?"
"I'm sure"
I smile at him through the tears and hé turns to grab his wand, when he turns back he quickly wipes his face and I can't help but grin now that I know he's really crying.
"seriously Ollivander? even right now you're happy that you made a win as far as my feelings are concerned."
we both laugh and he takes my hand.
"Take good care of Mattheo, I trust you! I love you and will wait for you. Thank you for everything, also for your antics and everything that kept my life exciting, I will look for you in every next life."
Thomas nods his head and rubs my hair with his hand, he kisses my lips and looks at me for the last time.
"until the next life, know that I truly loved you and will never love any women again, goodbye Ollivander."
As he quietly mumbles the words, my eyes slowly become heavier.
I will never know if I made the right choice in giving birth to our son but I hold on to the idea that I did the right thing, I loved his father despite his shortcomings and I hope our son will too. I trust that Thomas will make the right choices. Know that I love you my son more than I have ever loved anyone even though I never got to meet you.