— Alexithymia—a neuropsychological phenomenon expressing important difficulties in identifying and describing the experienced emotions by oneself or others
⊹ Kim doesn't know what he feels. But he knows one thing... he loves Chay —
Kimhan was born with it. His psychologist found out later when he was five.
"Alexithymia," Kimhan's psychologist said to his mother, "your son has a problem with feeling emotions, Mrs Theerapanyakul. It's hard for him to describe them or even feel them at all. If he is prone to feel certain emotions they will be mostly negative, such as anger or disgust."
"What about love?" Mrs Theerapanyakul nervously clutched onto her pearl necklace, while in the other hand, she held the small hand of her son who was rocking on his feet, looking around the doctor's office not paying any attention to what they were talking about, he was five after all, he wouldn't really understand what they were talking about anyway... or he simply just wouldn't care.
The doctor sighed, "people with Alexithymia can feel love but it has to be an extremely strong form of love."
"But, he had never said he loves me... and I'm his mother!" Mrs Theerapanyakul brushed her shaking fingers over Kim's chocolate hair, they were getting darker and darker every year.
"Mrs Theerapanyakul, I think that it's time for you to consider that your son may never love you or at least not feel like he does. I know that it's hard to even think about something like that but to put it bluntly just because you are his mother doesn't mean that he has to love you the most, especially with his condition. I know that it isn't really my place to be telling you what to do, but if I were you I would hope that one day my son would find someone who he would be able to actually love even if he isn't able to love me."
Years went by. Kimhan never said 'I love you' to his mother or to anyone else for that matter. He was rarely ever nice to people. The doctor was right, if Kimhan had ever felt any emotions it was mostly negative. Anger. He felt that a lot. It was his everyday gasoline that was setting everything around him on fire. He screamed a lot... at everyone, it didn't matter who it was; mother, father, brothers, cousins, friends, classmates... now employees. He used a loud and harsh voice significantly more than a calm and low one. Most of the time he had no reason to scream at people but he didn't care. And he never said sorry afterwards. It didn't matter how many times people told him it was wrong, he didn't feel that way so he didn't see a reason to stop or to apologize.
Some people called him a psychopath, others a sociopath, not knowing his real condition. Kimhan let them be or he screamed at them... most of the time he screamed at them.
And he did it again one Friday night when his younger cousin dragged him to a bar to celebrate the end of the semester...
"Seriously, Macau, why the fuck do you want to celebrate a stupid end of a stupid semester and on top of it all with me? I have a company to handle. I'm busy!"
"Don't act like you are fifty, Kimhan. You barely turned twenty-five. Have some fun!" Macau twirled on the barstool he was sitting on and grinned at Kimahn as he was taking a sip from a glass of Scotch Whiskey.
"I can't have fun, Macau," Kimhan deadpanned.
"Oh yeah, I sometimes forget that you are emotionally dead."
"I'm not emotionally dead. It's just almost impossible for me to feel emotions, especially good ones."
"So, like I said... dead."
Kimhan's jaw clenched, he grabbed his own glass of Scotch firmly.
"Alright, alright," Macau held his hands up in defence, "I'm sorry, you clearly aren't emotionally dead if you feel like yelling at me right now."
"It's fucking complicated, okay?!" Kimhan was about to get up and leave his cousin to celebrate by himself when he felt something splashing on his neck and dripping down his back.
"Shit," Macau mumbled to himself, already knowing what was coming.
Kimhan put his whiskey glass with a loud thud back on the bar and stood up, turning around. He met with three pairs of eyes. There was one pair in particular of dark bambi eyes that were for some unknown reason calling his name. He frowned, taking a step back he took in sight all three of them. They looked like university students, just like Macau, the same kind of aura.
"Oh, I'm sorry, dude—" the one standing in the middle, holding a now half-empty glass of beer, started apologizing but Kimhan had none of it.
"Are you fucking blind?" Kimhan started yelling, loud enough for the whole bar to hear. "You gonna fucking pay for this! Good luck with buying me a new Prada shirt! A fucking beer," Kimhan knocked the beer out of the guy's hand. "You are fucking lucky that I don't feel violent today or you'd be dead by now. Do you hear me?!"
Macau sighed, and wrapped his arms around Kimhan from behind, restricting him from any stupid moves he could pull, "it's not Alexithymia, you have a fucking anger issues, cousin."
"Psycho," the guy who just got yelled at, scoffed, "I was about to apologize, geez."
"He isn't a psychopath," a soft but confident voice came out of the Bambi-eyed boy who stood next to the guy.
"What... sociopath then? Do you know this guy, Chay?"
"No, but he doesn't seem like a psychopath, it's something else. Just let's go, okay?"
"He yelled at me and you want me to just go?"
"You poured the beer at him first," the Bambi-eyed boy, Chay, pointed out.
"Chay," Kimhan mumbled to himself. Something was happening to Kimhan and he had no idea what it was. Something strange, it felt... fuck, how did it feel? He couldn't describe it, not even to himself. For the first time in his life, Kimhan hated that he had no idea what he felt when he actually got to feel something that wasn't anger.
Chay. He needed to get Chay alone. He couldn't just let Chay leave like that. Kimhan needed answers. Once Chay succeeded in pulling the guy and his other friend away, Kimhan felt Macau's hands unwrapping from him. Thank God!
"Happy end of the semester cousin, but I have to go now. See you around," Kimhan ran outside where he saw Chay pulling his friends. He completely disregarded Macau's yelling, asking him where he was going.
Kimhan ran out almost out of breath, he stopped right in front of the door, watching Chay sending his friends off in a taxi. Thank god, Chay wasn't leaving too. Kimhan stepped towards Chay, not minding that his neck and back were wet and reeking of beer.
"Chay?"
Chay turned towards Kimhan, his expression not changing besides a small surprised smile forming on his lips, "you know..."
"Yeah, I heard your friends calling you that. Uhm, isn't that your name? Should I call you something else?"
Chay laughed, shaking his head in adorable little moves, "my name is Porchay but almost everyone calls me Chay so why not?"
What was that feeling in Kimhan's chest? And why was it getting stronger minute by minute? And that laugh, Kimhan wanted to hear it again. Was that a good thing? Probably...
"Porchay?" Kimhan repeated Chay's name.
"Yeah, that's me," Chay smiled.
"I'll call you Porchay then."
"Are you planning to see me again?"
And now what? Kimhan bit the inside of his cheek, well, this was why he ran after Chay in the first place. He's just going to say it. "Uhh... this might sound really strange..."
"Not more than your sudden yelling at the bar, so I'm all ears."
☆☆☆☆☆
Chay did listen that day and Kimhan was thankful for it every single day for the past two years. It took them a couple of months, a couple of dates, and a LOT of talking but eventually Kimhan realized that he was in love with Chay.
It was scary at first. The feeling he thought that he would never be able to feel, now was consuming all his being every time when he was with Chay or when he just had Chay on his mind, which was constantly anyway. Kimhan just couldn't stop thinking about Chay, and it wasn't as if he wanted to either.
But as much as he loved Chay, it didn't apply to anyone else and his employees still suffered his wrath every single day. Some days he even walked around pointing a gun at them. Just like today. On days like these everyone knew that they had to get the boss' boyfriend to him as soon as possible. Good thing that Chay was already on his way. Bless short days at university!
That day in front of the bar when Kimhan explained why he was yelling like that and why he went after Chay, Chay ended up even more confused after the explanation than before it but he couldn't lie to himself, there was something about the older man, clothed in Prada, as he very clearly pointed out at the bar, that was looking at him with a hopeful expression, waiting for Chay to say something after his clumsy attempt to explain everything.
For some reason, Chay was drawn to Kimhan. Maybe you would think that getting friendly with a guy whose first appearance in your life was him yelling like a lunatic in a bar wasn't exactly the best idea but Chay was never one to play safe. He loved taking risks. And he also couldn't fight that voice inside of him that was telling him that this might be fun. And fun it was, until it became something way deeper.
Chay loved their little dates, he loved how Kimhan was always asking him to explain in detail how he was feeling. Kimhan always said that when he hears other people explaining in detail how they are feeling it helps him to put things and situations into perspective, it helps him to at least try to act according to other people's feelings even though he himself can't feel them. But of course, rarely ever someone agreed to lay all their emotions in front of him. So, he didn't understand and if he didn't understand, he didn't feel guilty if he ended up getting angry and yelling at people. It was all one toxic circle that was never going to break.
Thankfully, Chay pretty early on figured things out. It became his daily routine to explain to Kimhan how he was feeling, Chay even tried to explain to Kimhan how others might feel in different situations. And Kimhan listened to every word, trying his best to imagine how it would feel, to feel all those emotions that Chay was talking about. But this much effort Kimhan made only for Chay when Chay wasn't around it was a completely different story.
Maybe Kimhan wouldn't yell that much if his employees were doing their job properly! But they didn't. Today's coffee was too sweet. They should have known a long time ago that Kimhan Theerapanyakul hated sweet coffee! But fine, he would maybe shake his head over the coffee but not over the messed up multiple million-worth transactions of weapons just because someone didn't check the dates properly and the client found another supplier to buy the weapons from.
Threatening his employees with a gun wasn't an everyday occurrence but when it happened they knew that it was better to stay low and let Chay know as soon as possible. Working for the mafia they couldn't exactly just quit the job; they were in it most likely for life. Plus, working for a mafia also didn't mean that they were fond of having a gun pointed in their faces.
Thankfully, Chay could handle that.
Seeing him walk towards Kimhan's office all the employees that were standing outside of the office let out a relieved sigh, "oh, thank god, Mr Kittisawasd is here."
"You think that he'll be able to handle the boss this time?"
"Of course, he will. He always does."
The whispers were getting louder and louder the closer Chay got. He smiled at them reassuringly and when he was just outside the office he turned on his heels and patiently waited to get all of their attention.
Once he got that, he adjusted a bag on his shoulder that was inch by inch threatening to fall down, and spoke, "why are you all here? Are they giving out something for free?"
The employees nervously shuffled in place, mumbling something unintelligible for themselves that Chay didn't even care about. After a couple of seconds, Kimhan's secretary stepped out of the crowd and approached Chay, "thankfully you are here Mr Kittisawasd, just a little heads up, the boss is in his office and he threatened to shoot the next person who decides to walk in."
Chay chuckled, "for someone who can't really feel emotions he is really emotional, isn't he? What did you all do to make him like this? This can't be just about sweet coffee."
"Uhm... there was a little problem with one of the weapons transactions."
"A little problem?" Chay cocked an eyebrow. "Alright, fine, I'll ask p'Kim for more details. Now, make sure that everyone will go back to their business and no one and I mean one will come near the office until I come out. Can you do that?"
The secretary immediately nodded, "of course, Mr Kittisawasd, no one will come near until you walk out."
"Perfect. Now, if you excuse me, I have to go and talk to my boyfriend," Chay turned around and without any hesitation opened the door into, for everyone else, a very dangerous territory.
"I fucking said everyone stays out!" Kimhan shouted, the gun already pointed at the intruder until he realized who it was. He never put the gun down that fast in his life. "Shit, baby, I'm so sorry... fuck... I didn't mean to... not on you... fuck!"
Chay dropped the bag on the floor next to the door and very much relaxed as if the gun wasn't even pointed at him just a few seconds ago, he walked to Kimhan, leaning on Kimhan's office desk. "It's okay, p'Kim. Not having your best day, I heard."
Kimhan was watching Chay's every move, his body itching to have Chay close to him. Without wasting one more second, he grabbed Chay's hand and pulled him down on his lap, wrapping his arms firmly around Chay's petite waist. He nuzzled his head in the crook of Chay's neck and inhaled his calming peachy-vanilla scent.
"The day is perfect now," he pressed at least a dozen kisses in rapid succession on Chay's neck, making Chay giggle.
"You don't seem as scary as they all were saying you are. They had been blowing up my phone, asking me to come as soon as possible."
Kimhan's fingers dug deeper into Chay's waist. He pulled a little away, looking at Chay with a fire in his eyes, "they? Who, Porchay? Who has your number and why?"
Chay smiled, amused. He always loved Kimhan's possessive side; it was sexy more than anything else. He cupped Kimhan's cheek and slowly traced his fingers over freshly shaved skin "they have my LINE, not my number, p'Kim."
"Same fucking thing," Kimhan growled.
"Love, no need to be jealous, I promise. Your employees have my contact just for this kind of situation when they need me to calm you down. I can show you our conversation if you want to."
Kimhan immediately shook his head, relaxing more into Chay's touch, "am I jealous? I... you don't need to baby. I trust you. I'm sorry."
He was sorry, right? That was what he was feeling. At least he thought so.
"You feel that?" Chay softly asked.
"I mean... I guess?"
Chay laughed, pressing their foreheads together, "god, I love you."
"I love you too," Kimhan said back, his eyes closed.
"You feel that?"
"Yes," Kimhan opened his eyes, watching Chay's lips parting a little, "I feel that the most."
"Good," Chay whispered and crushed their lips together. Nibbling at Kimhan's upper lip, he slowly slid his tongue into Kimhan's inviting mouth. They both let out a quiet moan when their tongues collided in a heated dance. Chay's fingers were digging deep into Kimhan's jaw, holding him in place. Maybe he'll have bruises there later, it was okay, Kimhan didn't mind, more like he loved to know that Chay was as possessive of him as he was of Chay.
Kimhan's hands naturally found their way under Chay's shirt, sliding around Chay's waist, stopping just above his sweet ass. Chay hummed into the kiss, one of his hands slowly falling around Kimhan's neck, not pressing, not squeezing, just resting there, knowing that was what Kimhan liked, just feeling Chay there, feeling him everywhere. It was grounding for Kimhan. Keeping him calm.
"Baby," Kimhan breathed out, his lips immediately chasing Chay's again, "baby," he mumbled into their kiss again.
"What do you want, p'Kim? Tell your baby, what do you want?" Chay mumbled back, lips softly brushing over Kimhan's parted ones.
"You... I want you so much, baby... so much," Kimhan almost whimpered, hands around Chay's waist, pulling Chay impossibly close.
Chay ran his fingers around Kimhan's neck, absentmindedly playing with the collar of Kimhan's shirt, "how do you want me, p'Kim?"
For a second Kimhan pulled a little away, looking into Chay's bambi eyes, losing himself in them as he always did. A small whine left his lips as he melted into Chay's warm embrace, nuzzling his head into Chay's neck, "just... hold me... hold me close."
Chay combed Kimhan's hair with his fingers, kissing the crown of his head, "my love is so soft today."
"Baby..." Kimhan groaned, pressing his lips on Chay's neck, gently nibbling on his skin.
"It's okay, my love," Chay softly whispered, holding Kimhan close to his heart. "With me, you can feel anything you want."
☆ THE END ☆