🚨Short note from the Author & Trigger Warning 🚨: There's a suicide attempt in this chapter, please skip if you think this will trigger you negatively. For more info about PTSD, please read online about the topic. Please know that MENTAL HEALTH is very important and SEEK help if you find yourself thinking of self harm. Stay strong. ❤️🩹🫂
💔"But sometimes you look at me like you wish I wasn't there.Like you wish I'd just disappear. And it just hurts so bad.I know I'm not easy to love ... but could you try anyway." 💔
- Nicole [Crazy/Beautiful Movie 2001]
❤️🩹"I want to take you away from
everything that makes you crazy." ❤️🩹.
- Carlos [Crazy/Beautiful Movie 2001]
YOK
With a hastily muttered apology to Kit telling him I had an emergency, I scrambled to my motorcycle while cursing loudly. What the hell is going on?!
Thanking that Bangkok streets are pretty much empty this late at night. 1am, the time on my phone when I glanced about 5 minutes ago before I left Kit's apartment. It took me another 5 to arrive at the sprawling mansion.
Pressing the doorbell over and over until a pajama-clad Victor opened the door, with a hastily muttered apology I hurriedly sprinted towards Ray's room. Surprised by my urgency, Victor had run following me. Leaving the door open as I shouted Ray's name. The bed was empty, the couch vacant. He wasn't here.
The bathroom lights were on, so I scrambled there and when I opened it, Ray was already submerged in the water. "Fuck! Ray!" I screamed and immediately pulled out Ray. Promptly noticing the freezing temperature of the water. Victor had also sprang to action, taking a dry towel from the cabinet and handing them to me as I tried to dry Ray off- who had turned blue and was sputtering water and gasping for air when I pulled him out of the cold tub.
Slowly peeling off the wet clothes from his body and wrapping him in new dry towels handed by Victor, who was wide eyed and deeply worried. Finally he handed me a thick robe and I dressed Ray with it before I carried him to bed. He almost felt like a wilted vegetable in my arms, too pliant and weak. If I was any more late, Ray would have made good on his threat.
"Victor, can you please make Ray a hot tea? He was probably in the cold water for too long," I requested courteously despite the obvious tremor in both my voice and hands.
As I felt his footsteps fade, I finally looked at Ray, whose half lidded eyes are directed at me. Blank and lost. Only an endless darkness in them.
"You really came," he whispered, as if it was so bewildering that I would believe his threat and care enough to come and stop him.
"Of course I will come! You fucking told me you would off yourself! What the hell is wrong with you Ray! And did you have to start drowning yourself not even 15 mins after you called me? Did you think I had powers and could get here in an instant? Couldn't you wait!? Don't you have faith in me that I would come for you!" My voice is loud and trembling with emotions.
Wanting to shake this boy so badly, until all this madness fell off from his beautiful body and the desire to keep yelling until he actually understands just how wrong it is to harm himself is so strong, but I know he would probably forget everything tomorrow, he's too drunk and too out of it to absorb, to listen.
"It hurt, it hurt so bad I just want it to go away," tears spilled from his eyes and I wiped it. My heart clenched painfully at the sight of this fragile beautiful boy, so broken, sad and mad.
Knowing since the day I met him in that abandoned mansion that something terrible is lurking beneath the calm and confident exterior. Nobody in his sane mind sits in total darkness for hours, alone,if he wasn't fighting demons and his own madness. Yet he is still so achingly stunning despite being heavily enshrouded by his desperation and misery. Two words perfectly sums up Ray: Crazy and Beautiful.
Slowly sitting up, he embraced me and I melted into the touch, "you're mine, you're mine Yok. You're mine..." Is all Ray kept saying over and over. Has Ray finally lost his marbles? Is he mistaking me for Mew right now? Why is he claiming me, like I'm some object he purchased? And why does his assertion of ownership tug at the corner of my heart?
Silently expressing my gratitude, perhaps to some higher power, for allowing me to arrive on time to rescue him. I savored the warmth of his tight hug and cherished the sense of connection I experienced with Ray. Even as Victor arrived and placed the hot tea on the side table, he observed the shattered boy with a mix of sadness, concern, and tears welling in his own eyes. He witnessed his charge clinging tightly to my arms, as if holding onto a lifeline; whispering "you're mine" on an endless loop.
Victor spoke by the door, saying, "Please don't hesitate to wake me up if you need anything. I'm in the first room on the first floor." With that, he departed, closing the door behind him.
After some time, the continuous fervent whispers of "you're mine" had subsided, and I glanced down at the deceptively tranquil and innocent-looking boy who was asleep in my embrace. Carefully placing him on his pillow, I pulled the comforter higher to warm his still-chilled body. As I prepared to rise, he tightly grasped my hand.
"Ray, I'm not leaving. I'm simply changing out of my wet clothes," I gently reassured him.
Releasing his grip on my hand, I swiftly took off my pants and shirt, leaving me in just my boxers. I eased into the opposite side of the bed, and Ray promptly nestled into my arms and neck, prompting a sigh to escape me.
Questions buzzed in my mind. Why did Ray try to kill himself? Why did he want me here? I shielded my eyes with my other hand, pondering all the potential reasons. Did I do this to him? Somehow, did something I said or did pushed Ray to his limits? But what? We haven't seen each other for two weeks and tonight, we barely said anything to each other.
Could it have been the rejection? Or perhaps seeing me with someone else? But that seems absurd. Wasn't he fully engaged with another girl before I inadvertently interrupted them?
Chuckling bitterly to myself at the notion that I've swapped Dan's insanity for Ray's unique brand of craziness. Perhaps I do have a penchant for the lunatics. It's not too far-fetched, though. I might be labeled as a lunatic myself, if not for the pills I've diligently taken.
Observing the shattered boy sleeping, embracing me tightly. Why did I experience fear and suffocation with Dan, yet Ray only evokes a desire to erase all his pain? I wish I could strip away his past and substitute it with sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns so he never has to unravel like tonight ever again.
"Sleep tight, Ray. You're not alone; Don't be afraid, I'm here," I whispered, planting a gentle kiss on his forehead. Eventually, the rhythmic, serene sound of his snores eased me into a deep slumber of my own.
RAY
When I regained consciousness, aching all over, I realized there was a warm body beside me. Yok.
Recollections of last night's events gradually returned, and I'm overwhelmed with embarrassment and regret towards Yok. What was I even thinking? Why couldn't I have handled it on my own? Why did I have to reach out to Yok and show him just how mentally deranged I was? The last time I had such a breakdown, Mew came to my rescue. Now I owe Yok my life as well. How many more times will I need saving? I feel like nothing but a burden.
Unaware that tears were streaming down, I was consumed by a profound sense of regret. Aware that Yok was already burdened by various issues, particularly his situation with Dan, and recalling his mention of undergoing therapy. Yok had startled awake from my sobs.
"Ray? What's wrong?" He gently held my shoulders.
"I'm sorry Yok. I don't know what came over me last night. I don't know why I had to call you here. That was pathetic and very manipulative. I'm sorry. I'll do my best to not do it in the future. Maybe when I get a new phone, I should not save your contact information anymore," I was hyperventilating and gasping for air suddenly.
"RAY! Ray! Look at me! Breathe... inhale, exhale... That's good," gently stroking my back in a relaxing circular motion. "I'm not mad and I don't mind. In fact, I need you to promise me that if you ever feel like this again, just pick up the phone and call me. Let me know and I'll come to you as soon as I can. Okay?" He had lifted my face with his finger on my chin. "Hmmmm?" Prodding me to answer.
With a slow nod, I acknowledged those pleading doe eyes, and then he grinned. Yok looked stunning with his tousled bed head hair, seemingly bare from the waist up, a bit drowsy but still captivating with his large, enchanting doe eyes and a smile so radiant, as if sunshine had effortlessly landed on my bed.
He likely harbors numerous questions, yet he refrains from voicing them, choosing instead to ensure I don't feel overwhelmed. Why is he still here, and why is he displaying such patience with me? I wish he'd express anger like my father used to whenever I was whiny, or ignore me like my mother did until the day she passed away. That way, it would be simpler for me to place him in a specific category in my mind. By now, despite Mew having been supportive and comforting during my initial breakdown, akin to Boston and Cheum, he also seems to belong to the group that views me as a useless fool and burdensome.
So, why is Yok still looking at me with so much compassion and consideration after all the ugliness he witnessed last night? Why is he volunteering himself so selflessly to be called anytime when I need him? Why is he not running away?
Maybe it's the appreciation for his presence, for the kindness he consistently displayed towards me. It could be the longing that has been persistently resonating within me since I first saw him yesterday. Alternatively, it might be the recognition that I desire nobody but myself to caress him, to possess him, and to be on the receiving end of his touches, his kisses, his affection. I'm uncertain about the exact reason anymore, but I found myself leaning in to kiss Yok-I needed to feel him.
However, unlike our previous kisses, this time it was soft and tender. I was somewhat hesitant, half anticipating rejection, as I had experienced the previous night. To my surprise, Yok embraced me, delicately tracing my cheeks with his fingertips, and drew me closer with a reassuring kiss. The touch was steady and gentle, and a sense of warmth enveloped my entire being as I hummed with joy into the kiss, which felt incredibly fitting and oh so healing.
Yok is taking his sweet time as he leisurely pepper my face and neck with soft kisses, softly sucking and tenderly caressing. It felt like he meant to soothe my pain, to alleviate the worries in my mind and to mend my broken spirits.
His touch was affectionate, each gesture meant to affirm his presence and commitment to staying by my side. The deliberate, almost leisurely pace he maintained while tracing my body once more with his distinctive and familiar caress, conveyed a message that there was no rush; we had all the time in the world.
Finally, when we joined our bodies, in the most unhurried and soul stirring lovemaking, I was already trembling with the overwhelming longing and the yearning to connect my soul to Yok's. Does he know that he was willingly handing his soul to the devil? Does he realize he's willingly offering himself to someone who might take without returning? Isn't he afraid of what more I might extract from him without reciprocating? The deeper he delves into me, the more apparent it becomes-I seem to be someone who continually receives as he selflessly gives.
This was the most intimate we have ever been, the intensity is scorching. So when our climax finally came, both of us convulsing, racked by the most powerful orgasm we've ever shared, Yok persistently still moving until the lingering sensations gradually subsided.
At last, he collapsed atop me, breathing heavily, his glistening body covered in sweat reflecting the faint morning light that seeped through my partly drawn curtains. I embraced him tightly, unaffected by the almost overwhelming pressure, reveling in the comforting heat of his body and blissful feeling of our afterglow.
After a while he moved off, muttering something about crushing me with his weight.
Still unable to look him in the eye, feeling terribly stupid for what happened, he drops a kiss in my head. "Do you want to do something together today? Let's get free therapy together!"
"You mean, commit a crime by vandalizing some abandoned walls and buildings don't you?" Smiling a bit, feeling a small semblance of normalcy at the way Yok is treating me like last night never happened.
"Hmmm... something like that! I can't believe you have such a sharp memory, you remember everything I said that night," He pointed out.
"I'll never forget, even if I tried," I sincerely told him and he actually blushed. Rebel boy looks flustered. How can anyone ever think this was a bad man? Yok is just a sweet guy wrapped in a bad boy persona.
Getting up, I walked to the bathroom, he suddenly sat up, "where are you going?"
"Taking a shower? You said we were going out," I looked at him confused. Seemingly bothered by the thought that I'd be alone in the bathroom, he scrambled towards me and said, "let's shower together!"