Namjoon feels lost. Everything he thought he knew about himself was a total lie, and nothing makes sense anymore. Everything feels like it's crumbling around him.
As Namjoon grew up, the pressure to be the perfect son kept mounting. With Taehyung being the free-spirited one, outspoken, and never conforming to rules, and Seokjin being the elusive eldest and model, never around, Namjoon put enough pressure on himself to be as perfect as he could for his parents. The one who did well in school and was always there to help his parents, as opposed to Seokjin, who dropped out of college to follow his dreams, and Taehyung, who spoke his mind regardless of the consequences.
But maybe that's what's wrong with Namjoon—always worrying about what other people think of him. Wanting to be known as someone who's smart and dependable.
He hides behind a mask to conceal himself from the world, making him appear to be someone he is not. Perfect Namjoon with the perfect grades and the perfect girlfriend. But the truth is, he knows how far from perfect he truly is. And what exactly is perfection? The way he treated Jungkook wasn't perfect, it was cowardly, and his perfect relationship with Eunji was anything but. It looked good on paper, but after a while, he felt nothing for her other than friendship—a relationship just for show.
Until Jungkook appeared and shattered his perfect façade.
I've wanted you for so long.
Namjoon's mind keeps wandering back to Jungkook and his adorable bunny grin and wide eyes. Namjoon has felt it for a while but had suppressed it, laughing it off as his desire to be a good hyung to the timid boy. As Jungkook matured before his very eyes into a beautiful man, his emotions changed from naivety to something more complex.
He had been trying to convince himself that the growing attraction he felt for Jungkook was simply friendship, a close bond growing between them. But then fleeting thoughts of how Jungkook's lips might feel against his own began to enter his mind. He fucked up. He knows he did. Jungkook was the last person he wanted to hurt, but watching him hold back tears at the ice cream shop while he just sat there like an idiot—lying to him, lying to himself—he knew how badly he hurt him.
The night they were at the top of the Empire State Building, all he wanted to do was kiss Jungkook, to press up against him, to feel his body against his own, until he finally gave in to his desires. Instincts drove him forward, wanting nothing more than to cover himself in Jungkook's body heat and in his scent.
Everything felt scary. Namjoon had never been with a man before, but there was something about Jungkook that made him feel like it didn't matter. Even though there was a lot of confusion about his sexuality, the selfish part of him wanted to get closer and feel Jungkook's lips on his. Jungkook, who had grown into a beautiful, smart man full of laughter and confidence. Someone he felt the need to be near constantly.
I've wanted you for so long.
That night with Jungkook was simultaneously the best and most confusing of his life, but he loved every intimate moment. He loved every second of being with him. Loved kissing him, holding him, running his hands along his deliciously tight curves—being inside him. Loved feeling the hardness of his body between his hands and pulling pretty moans from him that echoed in his ears, even now.
It still scares him with how quickly everything moved. How fast he caved and let himself fall into Jungkook's waiting arms. Everything from that night is seared into his mind: the sounds, smells, and every sensation of their bodies pressed up against each other, which only become louder and more vivid when he's alone in bed. When he can give in to his secret desires under the cover of darkness.
But then reality set in. As Jungkook waited for him on the bed, naked and vulnerable, Namjoon was pathetic—having a mini breakdown in the bathroom—and he couldn't face himself. As he watched himself in the mirror, his mask of perfection crumbled, revealing his true self, and a wave of panic fell over him, paralyzing him.
Whenever his feelings for other boys bordered on romantic, he would dismiss them as admiration and a desire for close friendship. He'd turn to dating girls because he liked them too—soft and pretty, with lips tasting of fruity lip gloss. He enjoyed them, but–
I've wanted you for so long.
Twenty-three years were spent trying to stomp down that part of him, and one bunny boy was all it took to reveal everything. Just being around Jungkook is enough to stir conflicting feelings within. Emotions that only surface when he's close to Jungkook and wash over Namjoon like a tsunami of doe eyes, racing heart beats, and sweet smiles.
It's irrational. He knows it's stupid to feel this way, but he can't bring himself to face the truth about who he is. Namjoon knows it'd be fine within his family. His parents and his brothers wouldn't look at him any differently. Hell, Taehyung is bisexual and dating Jimin, so why does he feel this way? Is he just trying to fit into a "straight" mold to make things easier for himself? Make things as perfect as possible?
Of course he is, because he knows—he knows that just because his family is okay with it, that doesn't mean everyone else will be. It doesn't mean that he wouldn't have to pretend to be someone he's not at school, at the mall, in the parks, at work, and everywhere else in Korea. It fucking sucks, and it's scary. So he hides. He hides who he really is because he's a coward. But he can't anymore. After spending the night with Jungkook, that label no longer fits with who Namjoon is, and now there's this urgent need to come clean with himself that's itching inside him.
Namjoon will never forget the look on Jungkook's face when he saw Eunji and Namjoon together. He looked shattered. After the night with Jungkook, he was so desperate to prove to himself how straight he still was that he called his ex in a reckless request to try and rekindle things with her.
But it was pointless.
He had no feelings other than friendship for her. Eunji, who suspected what was going on with Namjoon and confronted him at one point, tried to appease him, possibly in the hope that Namjoon would see through their charade and realize who he truly is. She went along with it until Namjoon eventually came to his senses, because despite everything, he was still one of her closest friends.
And now Jungkook is gone.
I've wanted you for so long.
Namjoon lets out an exasperated groan and sits up in bed. Jungkook's words from that night have been haunting him ever since, no matter how many times he tries to shake them off. Now he knows the truth: Jungkook has had feelings for him for a very long time, and the guilt of what he's done eats at Namjoon every day.
Jungkook came prepared with lube and condoms. Did Namjoon show any indications that he was interested in Jungkook? Was it the long stares he'd give Jungkook from time to time, trying to figure out when he'd transitioned from boy to man? Is that why he had them in his bag? He wouldn't be completely wrong, would he? Namjoon was apparently an unaware idiot until he saw Jungkook against the backdrop of the New York City skyline, and he couldn't stop thinking about how beautiful he looked.
It's been a couple of months of this back and forth—this war in his mind where he's trying to figure out what's happening. He was promoted as curator at the art gallery he works for, but the first person he wanted to call with the good news was no longer there. The emptiness in his heart threatens to consume him. Rubbing his face in his hands, Namjoon sighs and gets ready for the day. He has an appointment with a realtor to finally check out the apartment he's been considering renting.
"Hey, hyung. Good morning," Taehyung chirps from the living room sofa. Jimin, who is currently watching a movie while tucked under Taehyung's arm, looks up from the screen, narrows his eyes at Namjoon as he pours coffee into a mug, and then turns back to the film.
Namjoon knows that Jimin knows and that Taehyung might possibly know too, even if he's given no indication. He remembers Jimin's ire after Jungkook left. His normally cheerful, crescent eyes were filled with disdain and rage, blaming him for Jungkook's leaving.
"You ran my best friend out of here because you're a coward."
"Jimin, I–"
"No, hyung. You fucking hurt him. Badly."
He blinks, coming out of his thoughts, and sips his black coffee, swallowing it along with his guilt. Tentatively, he walks over to the armchair adjacent to where they're sitting and settles in. He takes a quick look at them, his mug in both hands, and wonders if he should even say anything. "What are you guys up to today?" he tries.
"Nothing much. Jimin is off from the studio today, so we're just watching movies all day," Taehyung says, hugging Jimin tighter and kissing the side of his head. Jimin snuggles closer to his boyfriend.
"Oh, anything interesting?" Namjoon asks. So far, so good. Being in the same room as a hostile Jimin has already made him antsy. He just wants to finish his cup peacefully before Jimin lunges at him... or something.
"Nothing that'll interest you," Jimin answers icily before throwing more daggers in his direction.
Nope, he should've just stayed shut. Namjoon squirms in his seat, blushing as he buries his face in his cup and takes another sip, while Taehyung whispers something to Jimin, who huffs loudly and crosses his arms in frustration. "Well, I'll leave you to it." Namjoon stands up, losing the desire to finish his coffee. As he walks away, he feels the heat of their stares burning into his back.
"Have a good day, hyung!" Taehyung calls out before yelping out an "Ow!"
Namjoon feels a twinge of affection for his younger brother, but the weight of his guilt prevents him from looking back as he shuts the door behind him.
As he drives to his appointment, Namjoon swallows down the sense of loss that threatens to overwhelm him, trying to pretend everything is fine.
💙
Namjoon leans in for a kiss. The other person's lips don't quite feel right against his own, but they don't feel wrong either, which is good. After a drink, Namjoon worked up the nerve to talk to the attractive man across the bar who had been staring at him, with Hoseok, being the best friend he is, giving him the final push.
"Namjoon-ah, he's been gawking at you the whole time. He's definitely interested."
"Doesn't he–?"
"What?" Hoseok had asked.
"Nevermind." Namjoon shook his head, willing his thoughts away. Something about the man reminded him of Jungkook. Maybe that's why he approached him to begin with.
He danced with him for a few songs before the man took him by the hand to sneak off into one of the dingy bathroom stalls. There was some hesitancy to kiss him at first. This guy was the first man since Jungkook that he had even considered kissing. But now, as he presses the shorter man against the door, Namjoon turns off his thoughts and focuses solely on sensation, and—okay, this feels nice.
"You're hot," the man murmurs into his mouth.
"Mhm." It's not that Namjoon isn't enjoying himself; it's just that Namjoon figured out why the man kept reminding him of Jungkook, despite how much he tried not to see it. The man's eyes are large and round—just like Jungkook's—and now he can't stop thinking about him. Not that he ever could.
So he keeps his eyes shut.
While Namjoon's hands firmly grip the man's waist, the man's hands roam all over Namjoon's chest, feeling him up and occasionally squeezing his chest. Namjoon is at a loss for where to put his hands, so he alternates between keeping his hands still and holding the man's hips. He finally settles on awkwardly cupping the man's face in his hands. Unlike when he was with Jungkook, it doesn't come as naturally. Nothing feels natural; his movements are restricted by the cramped space, and—shit!—he keeps knocking his shin into the toilet paper dispenser.
His heart hammers in his chest, but it's for other reasons than why his heart raced when he kissed Jungkook. But he wants this. He wants to let go of all his inhibitions, let his guard down for once, and just follow his heart.
Namjoon opens his mouth to deepen the kiss, and the man groans, pulling him by his shirt. He feels a wave of arousal that has him pulling back suddenly, opening his eyes. The man flutters his eyes open, his lips red and kiss-bitten, and begins to unbuckle Namjoon's pants.
Suddenly, Namjoon stills. It's too much, too soon. He's not ready for anything more than a few make-out sessions. The man, on the other hand, appears oblivious and continues to unzip his fly until Namjoon reaches down to hold his hands still.
The man raises his head, his lustful eyes now questioning. "What's wrong, baby? Wanna suck you off. I bet you have a big di–"
"N-no," Namjoon stammers as he buckles his pants and reaches to unlock the door. "I'm good. S-sorry." With a weak smile, he nudges the man aside so he can pass. The man's Jungkook-like eyes are the last thing Namjoon sees before he bolts out of the bathroom and straight into a giggly and drunk Hoseok's waiting arms.
💙
Namjoon is going for it. He's a bright, twenty-four-year-old man who has his own apartment and a successful career. He's a great catch. And now he desperately needs to get laid, so he's going for it. It's been about a year since Jungkook, a year of going back and forth about his sexuality. Despite not venturing out and testing the waters sexually with other men, he's exchanged heated kisses with them. They felt nice. Not as good as it would be if it were a certain pair of pouty lips—ones that come with doe eyes—but it still sparked that curiosity in him that he wanted to explore further.
He walks into a gay bar in Itaewon wearing a shaky smile, and what a supportive and excited Hoseok said was his sexiest outfit: a black pair of ripped jeans, a red, satin button-down shirt with the collar wide open, and a silver chain decorating his neck. He is finally ready to take that next step. At least he thinks he is. Despite Hoseok's offer to accompany him, Namjoon declined, needing to be alone for this.
Sitting at the bar, Namjoon orders a drink, his eyes scanning around for anyone who might catch his attention. After two drinks, Namjoon sees him half an hour later, sitting at the opposite end of the bar from where he is. The man smirks as his gaze sweeps up and down Namjoon's body before taking a sip from his drink. He's pretty, with long, dark hair framing his face and a cute button nose. The man's shirt is undone just enough to reveal his porcelain skin.
He's much smaller than Jun—than I am.
The man finishes his drink, sets down his glass, licks his pouty lips, and raises an eyebrow at Namjoon. You interested? he asks with dark feline eyes. And as Namjoon approaches the man, he comes to the conclusion that he certainly is.
💙
A lot has changed since he last saw Jungkook. Instead of hiding away, denying a part of himself that he didn't want to explore at first, Namjoon comes to terms with himself after a year of having multiple men and women as sex partners. He's bisexual. And it feels good to finally, finally admit it to himself and fully take that in. Absorb it into his very being—and be okay with it. Be okay with himself.
Surrendering to it feels good—not being so stuck in his head, overthinking everything to exhaustion. However, no matter how much he tries, he can't stop thinking about Jungkook and how he woke something else in him. And now, lying in bed alone after a night with yet another stranger, everything makes sense. Being with men feels right, satisfying, even. But, of course, they were no Jeon Jungkook. And that's what kills him the most.
Now that he's comfortable with sexuality, it's too late. Jungkook is gone. Even if he's always present in his mind: in every bike ride around Seoul, in the museums he visits alone, in the times he passes by Crystal Snow. He can't just look over and see Jungkook's doe eyes widely looking around; he can't grab Jungkook's hand and treat him to vanilla ice cream with extra sprinkles and watch his eyes go wide as he takes bite after bite. He misses him so fucking much.
But until Namjoon can somehow make amends with Jungkook for how he treated him, he will carry the burden of how things ended between them. It's a heavy one—like a boulder lodged in between his ribs—and some nights he can barely catch his breath, wishing he'd done things differently.
💙
The deadline for his mandatory enlistment is coming up in three years, and he knows he has to keep his sexuality quiet. It's still not something you can freely scream out or even whisper in Korea, especially not before his enlistment. But now that he is comfortable with who he is, he doesn't want to hide it. He wants to be as open as possible, but to do that, he needs to fulfill his obligation to his country. So Namjoon decides to enlist early, not wanting to wait until after he's twenty-eight to taste freedom. But before that, he wants to speak his truth to the people he loves most.
He comes out to Taehyung first. Having someone who could relate to him made things easier for him to open up to his brothers.
"Hyung, welcome to the club!" Taehyung says, hugging him fiercely and leaving Namjoon red in the face but feeling loved all the same.
"Namjoon-ah, as long as you're happy, that's all that matters," Seokjin says over the phone.
Namjoon smiles through it all, always welcoming his little brother's unwavering optimism and his older brother's support. Then he tells Hoseok, who, unsurprisingly, just laughs and congratulates him on finally finding himself. Of course Hoseok already knew; he was there for all his sexuality talks and meltdowns, even listening to Namjoon's drunken sobs over the best human he'd ever met and lost. Hoseok was there for it all.
Lastly, with a shaky breath and racing heart, he tells his parents, who hug him and whisper reassuring words of love. Namjoon eventually breaks down in his car and sobs all the way home, the boulder between his ribs easing slightly and his chest feeling lighter.
💙
Namjoon knocks on the door. After nearly two years of military service, he's finally free, albeit feeling a little chilly on his head from having his hair buzzed short, but free. It'll grow back eventually, and maybe he'll dye it again. He shuffles from foot to foot, knocking again. When he doesn't get an answer right away, he glances back at what used to be Jungkook's apartment. Maybe he should stop by and visit his mother. She used to love having him around.
Then the door swings open and—"Hyung!" Taehyung throws the door open and flings himself onto Namjoon's arms. "I've missed you."
Namjoon grins, his heart feeling full. "I've missed you too, little brother." He notices Jimin standing behind Taehyung as Taehyung preoccupies himself with running his hands back and forth through his buzz cut.
"Hi, Jimin," Namjoon says meekly with a tentative wave. They weren't on the best of terms before he left—something that still eats at him, even two years later. One day, he hopes to apologize to Jimin's best friend for being a coward, but for now, Jimin is here, and he wants to get back to how things were before everything happened.
"Hi, hyung," Jimin says, cracking a timid smile. "It's good to have you back."
"It's good to be back," Namjoon responds, returning his smile. And his heart swells.
💙
"He's doing fine, you know. I think he's trying to find his way to happiness."
"Who?"
"You know who, hyung."
"Oh... right... Well, I'm glad. He deserves it."
"Yeah, he does." A sigh. "You do too, Namjoon hyung. You deserve to be happy."
"It doesn't feel like it."
"Don't be too hard on yourself. I was hard enough on you for the both of us."
"I deserved it."
"Well, take it from Jungkook's bestest best friend. He'd want you to be happy. It's okay to forgive yourself."
"Thanks, Jimin."
💙
After settling back into civilian life, Namjoon finds a new apartment and gets his job back as a curator at the art gallery where he previously worked. They welcome him back with open arms, even going so far as to celebrate his return with a little party. He's happy, of course, but again he finds himself wishing that in these moments he could text Jungkook. Tell him about his job, the new art piece they received that week, the new pop-up exhibit that opened by the Han River.
There's also a part of him that knows he has no right. That he fucked up so badly by pretending like nothing happened between them. That—fuck... that he fucking behaved like a coward and ran back to Eunji when all he wanted to do was run to him, hold him, and tell him how afraid he was. That his heart is bursting from the weight of all his emotions for Jungkook, and he has no idea how to handle them. Had no idea, because now he thinks he does. And he wants to tell Jungkook so much about them.
At one point, he came very close. He knows Jungkook has been living in Busan, going to school there, and making a new life for himself. And he's happy for him. Truly. But after a night at the bar, all he could think about was Jungkook. No matter what he did, who he danced with, or what they talked about, his thoughts were consumed only by Jungkook. So he drank. A lot. And then he returned home, with Hoseok drunkenly hanging off his shoulders.
Because Hoseok, the voice of reason and a notorious lightweight when it comes to alcohol consumption, was passed out and snoring in the guest room, no one was there to prevent him from drunkenly texting Jungkook. He's always the first person he thinks of when he's drunk, and his inhibitions are lowered enough for the stupid thoughts and ideas to get through. So he whipped out his phone, the screen blurry from his brain marinating in alcohol, and began to text Jungkook.
I really hope you're happy, and I'm sorry. I wish I could take back what I did. I love you.
The next morning he woke up to find Hoseok standing by his bed, hair disheveled and eyes puffy, holding up his phone in one hand and his pounding head in the other.
"The next time you think about drunk texting Jungkook—don't."
Namjoon mistakenly pulled up the most recent text he received, which was from Hoseok, and texted him instead of Jungkook. Something along the lines of:
Irllly hpe yre pp nsd srry. ishI couhld badk Ididsd. Lvyou.
It definitely wasn't his proudest moment. But thank god for Hoseok's incessant need to text him every moment of his day and for past Namjoon not backing out of their last text conversation.
💙
Taehyung and Jimin's graduation ceremony takes place in the middle of a bright spring day. Since Seokjin is overseas modeling and their parents couldn't make it because of some work thing they needed to attend, Namjoon feels it's his responsibility as the hyung to be there for Taehyung, so of course he and Hoseok make plans to go together.
The first thing he does is head to a flower shop near the university so he can pick up a bouquet of flowers for Taehyung and Jimin. He pauses when he passes by a convenience store selling those Pokémon snacks that Jungkook was so adamant about collecting all those years ago. Suddenly overcome with nostalgia and longing, he buys one and stuffs it into his jacket before going into the flower shop.
Namjoon puts his car into gear and begins driving to the university. It's a beautiful spring day, with the sun shining brightly. He drives by Crystal Snow, and his heart hammers wildly against his chest. He hasn't set foot in there since the last time he spoke to Jungkook all those years ago. He wishes he could go back to that day and do everything differently.
After arriving at the university, he parks his vehicle and grabs the bouquets, making his way to the field where the ceremony is being held.
"Namjoon-ah, over here." He looks in the direction where Hoseok's loud voice echoes through the crowd and notices him flailing his arms around animatedly.
He huffs out a laugh as he walks towards him. "Could you be any louder?" Namjoon asks as he reaches him.
Hoseok just shrugs. "Jungkookie doesn't mind. Right, Kook?"
And that's when Namjoon sees him. There, sitting on the chair next to Hoseok, is Jungkook, his hair longer now and with a piercing on his lower lip. And he looks just as stunning as he remembered. Perhaps even more so now that time has transformed his baby face into a sharper, more defined one.
Jungkook looks as stunned as Namjoon feels, eyes wide and frozen in his seat. He sees Jungkook swallow thickly and then–
"Hello, hyung."
"Hi, bun," he breathes.