*** A/N: We are jumping ahead- by a YEAR. To the end of May 2022, because nothing huge happened then for Harry 😉
This is also a very long chapter- 11,000 words long. So, find a snack and a comfy spot and enjoy!!
•••••
MAY 2022
We lived with grandma Colette for the first months after Conrad was born. There was plenty of space for us to stay, but it wasn't our space. So, last summer, after the girls finished preschool, I bought an apartment in the 16th Arrondissement in western Paris. In the months since then, we have fallen in love with living closer to the city center and have all become true Parisians, even little Conrad.
Elodie, the nanny, made the move with us. I procured a small apartment in the building across the street from ours for her, as our apartment only has three bedrooms and a rather large office space (which is in now the playroom with a murphy bed for guests). The girls have all been sharing the largest of the three rooms, with a partial wall being placed to separate the twins from Hattie. Conrad has a tiny room next to mine that he has yet to move into because he is still sleeping in a crib in my room. Yes, he is a mama's boy.
Conny, as the girls call him, is a wonderful baby. The easiest baby that I have had, hands down. I think that I've kept him in my room longer because I like having someone else there. I find that I'm less likely to let my mind wander and I am also less likely to deep dive on the internet, afraid that the glow of my phone will wake him, or at least that is the excuse that I use. When I do deep dive, it's just to see what Harry is up to and I never like what I see. The whole Olivia thing, that I was so sure was just a passing infatuation or a way to make me jealous, seems to have turned into a long-term relationship. With no access to his private account, I have only what the tabloids are reporting to go off of, so I know that not everything I am seeing is reality. That being said, I also know that you don't parade someone around half naked on a yacht in Italy, kissing her and giving her the eyes he only used to give me, if she is just a fling.
I'm happy for him, if he's happy. I never meant to hurt him the way that having Conrad had to have crushed him. In all of my conversations with Sarah, I've never asked her about him, or Olivia, because it was established early on as a topic that is off limits, but I wish that it wasn't. I'd just like to know how he is REALLY doing.
This morning, I am going to work for a few hours while the girls attend preschool. I've been working for a small florist a few blocks off the Champs-Élysées doing marketing and uploading new product images to their website. I am still doing marketing for the winery in California, as well, but that is very seasonal after new products launch and right now is off season there.
"Bonjour, Nola!"
"Bonjour," I greet Maeve, taking off my jacket and walking farther into the back of the shop.
"Les nouveaux arrangements sont ravissants," I tell her, as I get the lenses swapped out on my camera.
"Merci. J'étais très content des fleurs d'été qu'ils ont envoyées cette fois-ci."
I take in the options of the different bouquets I have to photograph, deciding to start with the one with a lot of purple hues. I work to adjust the lighting and arrange the bouquet so the composition seems balanced. "Les violets sont superbes. Hattie adorerait ça."
"Je pensais qu'elle pourrait," she replies with a smile as I start to photograph the bouquet, all the while knowing this one is coming home with me today for a very special two-year-old.
After I finish photographing a the rest of the arrangements, Maeve returns to the back room after helping a few customers. "Quand partez-vous en Californie?"
"Nous partons fin de semaine prochaine. Nous ne restons que quelques semaines car nous partons en Angleterre avec Helen et Albert." I tell her about our summer plans between California and England. "Nous serons de retour à Paris fin Juin ou debut Juillet."
"Mieux pendant votre absence, mais vous faites toujours un bien meilleur travail que moi avec les photos," Maeve admits of taking over uploading photos of the new product while I am gone.
"Je suis sûr qu'ils auront fière allure." The bell rings, announcing another customer and Maeve stays busy up front until I am done downloading the images to my laptop. I leave her a quick note in the back to call me and go over the pricing details for the website later tonight, as she is too busy to go over it now and I want to get some lunch before heading home.
Elodie has Conrad and Hattie at a music class this morning at L'Ecole Koenig, which is in Paris 15 right next to the girls preschool. The other thing I have to get ready for tonight, after I finish work, is Hope coming to town for a week. Since Elodie will be taking time off while we are in California, Hope is coming to fly to California with the five of us. She is also coming because Harry is releasing Harry's House in a few days, and I need someone holding my hand when I hear the rest of the album for the first time.
When 'As it Was' came out, I knew the song was going to be somewhat about me, because Jeff had contacted my legal team to get permission to use Mia's voicemail as part of the song. I took time to mull it over, but I agreed that it could be used as long as her name was left off the credits and when any interviews were given on the subject, Harry just said it was his goddaughter, because he has loads of them. I was not prepared for the whole song to be about me or about US.
I called Hope the first time I heard it, sobbing. After I heard the bridge, 'Go home, get ahead, light-speed internet, I don't wanna talk about the way that it was. Leave America, three kids follow her, I don't wanna talk about who's doin' it first' , I lost my shit. ALL OF IT. Within the first hour of the video premiering, my name was once again trending because obviously it had to be about me, but now I have four kids, so maybe not? Who am I kidding. It was all about me. It was about how he thought things were going to end up between us and how they actually ended up. It's a heartbreaking song and to top it all off he wore RED for the video. He even wore THE red boxers. If that wasn't a message for me, I don't know what is.
It took everything inside me not to contact him. I wanted to congratulate him, but I didn't feel like I had the right. After he blocked me following Conrad's birth, I decided that was him telling me that he was done having any lines of communication between us and I had to respect that.
•••••
"Mama when does auntie Hope come?" Mia asks me while eating her cereal. The girls had been missing cereal as an option because it just wasn't something that people typically had for breakfast in France. Last week, at Monoprix, I saw some cereal that I thought they might like. Since then, it has become Mia's go to breakfast choice. Lottie, however, has definitely become more accustomed to French cuisine, or the French culture in general, and sticks to fruit and yogurt or croissants when I have them from the bakery. Hattie would live on eggs if I let her, and as long as I can buy them, she can have them. She would love strawberries all the time, as well, but in France, produce is very seasonal. People look at you like your are crazy if you buy produce out of season.
"Her plane lands while you are at your playdate with Margot. Elodie is going to bring you and by the time you come home, she should be here."
"I'm so excited!" she says with a mouthful of cereal.
"EWWW! Don't talk with your mouth full," Lottie scolds and Hattie laughs at her as the milk dribbles down her chin. They have started to gang up on Mia lately.
Mia looks sad at the drops of milk and chewed cereal that now decorate the front of her pajamas. "It's alright, miss Mia. You have to change for school anyways. And you two," I say, pointing at Lottie and Hattie, "be nicer to your sister." The two of them share a knowing look and I go over to kiss Mia's head. Thankfully, Conrad's favorite person on the planet is Mia. So, I let him out of his high chair and he walks right over to her.
"Hi Conny, baby. Do you want to help me pick out an outfit for school?" she asks him and they scurry down the hallway.
"Amelia Rochelle, are you finished?" I call after her. She comes back to the kitchen and quickly grabs her bowl and carries it to the sink giving me a quick 'sorry, mama' on the way back out of the kitchen to find Conny in her room.
I'm waiting outside the airport for Hope to come out. I would have gone in, but both Hattie and Conrad fell asleep on the way here, so I decided to just tell her to meet me outside. Thankfully, people have stopped following me to take pictures, so that's a positive side effect of time passing. It only picked up for a few days after As It Was came out, but it has died back down again.
She opens the door and I make a big scene to tell her to be quiet. She takes the hint and whispers, "hi."
"They fell asleep and a nap is a necessity for these two," I say quietly as I pull away from the curb. Once I start driving, we will be able to talk as loud as we want because the motion of the car will keep them knocked out.
"So, how is the Parisian life?" she asks as we weave through the traffic I am not all that used to because I honestly don't drive all that often. My car usually sits in the parking spot for days, if not weeks, at a time.
"It's starting to really feel like home," I tell her and she gives me a pout. "Don't give me that look. I didn't do it just because of him."
"You mean the fact that he has houses in England and California has nothing to do with why you have chosen to buy a THIRD house that ISN'T in either of those locations. "C'mon Nol, your Malibu house is gorgeous!"
"And you are getting plenty of use out of it. Plus, we are going there next week," I defend, and she rolls her eyes.
"Anyways, how are the girl liking it? Has Mia adjusted better?"
"A little. She still seems like she is waiting for us to go back to England, and maybe we will once the house is done, but I don't want to stay with Helen and Albert for more than a few weeks."
"How is that coming? The house?"
"I met with the designers over Zoom last week, but I am going to their office in London when we are there to sign off on everything. The structure is already going up, this is more the interior stuff."
"Does he know you bought it yet?"
"I don't know Hope. I'm no the one who talks to him," I say annoyed because I know that they have had some minimal contact (or at least that is what she has lead me to believe).
"He might. You know that he bought grandmas house, even though it wasn't 'Harry Styles' that bought it," she says, making me question if she has told him about it.
"That didn't take much digging. I knew he wanted it, and I knew he would buy it. So..."
"So, you agreed to have her sell it as a peace offering?"
"Can we change the subject. PLEASE."
"Sure we can," she says, rather cynically. "Have you listened to it?"
"You know that I haven't," I say, my face falling. He sent Hope an early copy of Harry's House. Like I said, I'm not entirely sure of the breadth of their communications, but clearly he sent it to her, so they at least talked for him to give her that.
"I couldn't."
"Well, it comes out in two days and you will hear it everywhere. I think you should listen to it first."
"Did you?" I ask her and she nods in affirmation.
"And?"
"And I think you need to listen to it," she says with sincerity in her voice, but her face shows more of an urgency.
"I will, but not today. Elodie will be out with the kids most of the day tomorrow. I promise to do it then. Now, can we please talk about YOU?!" I desperately want to change the subject and I'm hoping getting her to talk about herself is the way to do that. Hope has been dating a nice gentleman for about four months now, and I want to hear more about him. "Tell more about Andrew."
"What do you want to know about him?" she asks, coyly, but as much as she tries she can't hide the smile trying to pop through.
"Well, I know he works in finance in New York, and I've seen pictures, but that doesn't mean I know how you are feeling about him. Like are things getting serious?" I've met him via FaceTime, but they haven't had a reason to fly to Paris.
"Well, I met his parents last weekend, so I guess you'd say we are official."
"Well, damn. When do I get to meet him?"
"Actually," she says sheepishly. "He will be in California when we're at your place. How would you feel about having him over for dinner while we're there?" Yes! A distraction from Harry.
"Hell, yes! He can come over for dinner! You just tell me when and I will get it all arranged."
"What about the kids?"
"Can they not meet him?" I ask and she gives me a surprised look.
"Of course they can. I just know that sometimes you don't want them to meet people..." Hope says, trailing off.
"I know, but this is an important person to someone important to them. I can make an exception. He's not connected to Morgan, at all, right?"
"Nope."
"Then I see no issue."
•••••
The next day, as my sweet darlings are running to their classrooms, past the less judgy parents (you know- since there is not much to judge me on these days besides my lack of posh outfit choices or the fact that my French accent sounds 'too American'), I pray for one of them to vomit all over the Prada slides that Jaqueline's mother is wearing. Then, I'd have an excuse to change the activity Hope has planned for us this morning. Unfortunately, they are both healthy, it seems, so we leave the school alone. Meaning I have no excuse to not listen to his album anymore.
As we start our walk back to the apartment, she hands me one of her AirPods. "Here."
"No. I can't start listening on the sidewalk," I say, shaking my head.
"Fine, but we're going straight home, right?"
"After a stop for coffee." I say. I might have walked us past one coffee shop and to the next one just to prolong our walk home. Finally, she gets annoyed as we walk out with tall caffeinated drinks. "Stop stalling," she huffs, making me stop in the middle of the sidewalk. "How much farther to your place?"
"Four minutes. Maybe five..."
We get inside and she takes out her phone. "You have some way for me to play this?"
"Yes. The system is Bluetooth. I'll log you in, and you can play it over the speakers." nI say, taking her phone and opening the settings so that I can get everything hooked up.
"The first one is nothing to be worried about," she tells me, which does make me a little less anxious. I'm still not ready, but I'm not sure I ever will be.
Music for a Sushi Restaurant starts exactly how I would expect his album to start. As I sit there and try to listen to the lyrics, Hope pulls me to my feet to dance. "I'm trying to listen!" I scold and she shakes her head.
"Just dance!" Then, I hear him say, 'It's 'cause I love you, babe. In every kind of way. Just a little taste. Know I love you, babe', and I can't help but thinking back to all the times he tasted me, but he never called me babe, so this one probably isn't about me. Oh, god. Is it about HER? "Snap out of whatever you're thinking about and dance. This one is nothing compared to the others," Hope warns and I feel like I want to vomit.
As he sings Late Night Talking I remember it from Coachella (yes I watched it). I know that this one he wrote about our many nights up talking until the early morning hours, since it was the only time we had without the girls needing my attention (or eventually his). 'We've been doin' all this late-night talkin'. 'Bout anything you want until the morning. Now you're in my life. I can't get you off my mind.' Then, he repeats, 'I won't even try...'
Damn. I feel the same way.
When Grapejuice comes on, I find myself thinking it could be about anyone, but there comes the line, 'there's never been someone who's so perfect for me, but I got over it and I said. "Give me something old and red," and I think back to the days after I left. I would have given anything to drown myself in a bottle of wine, but I was in no condition to do so.
The chorus plays a second time and I freeze at one of the lines. 'There's just no getting through. Without you. A bottle of rouge. Just me and you. 1982,' "Holy shit," I say and Hope pauses the song. "When we were it Italy. The first time. The first bottle of wine we shared, that I randomly picked from his stash, was a 1982 vintage...."
"And you weren't expecting that many songs about you, huh?" Hope says, feeling vindicated by her decision to force me to listen to it.
"Just push play," I say and she does. The chorus continues, 'Just me and you. There's just no getting through. The grape juice blues'. "Great. So, he got drunk a lot after I left. No huge surprises there," I say, almost defensively when Mia's voice rings through my apartment.
"Skip. I know this one." She agrees to skip As It Was because it is literally everywhere. I have the entire video memorized- move for move. I'm not proud of it, alright.
Daylight starts and there is no doubt in my mind that this is not about me. So, I listen to the sing-songy bounce that the song possess, happy that there is a reprieve from the timeline of my relationship in the track list, but it doesn't last long.
Little Freak starts and there are parts that could be me, or anyone, really. Then, the end of the chorus has a few lines that pull at my heartstrings. 'I'm not worried about where you are or who you go home to. I'm just thinking about you'. To be honest, the lyrics matched with the guitar make me feel sad for him.
Then he sings, 'Tracksuit and a ponytail. You hide the body all that yoga gave you. Red Wine and a ginger ale. But you would make fun of me, for sure'. I know that the first two lines are about me. He hated that I dressed in baggy clothes when I could be "showing off" the body that I worked hard to have. I always thought he said that because he knew I was self-conscious about my stomach after the girls, but now it's in a song for the whole world to hear. "What?" Hope asks as the song ends.
"That line about the track suit and a pony tail. That's all me," I say, shaking my head. "Why?"
"Why, what?"
"Why did he write so many songs about me?" I finally ask.
"You know why, Nola," she says, pulling me to sit on the couch next to her. She takes a deep breath before speaking. "You need to sit down for this one." Well, fuck. I can see her looking at me, waiting for me to give her some sort of signal push play again, so I do and my heart is breaking from the first strum of the guitar at the beginning of Matilda.
I know this song. This is the song that he played for me on the piano. The song that I recorded and have been playing over the last year on repeat. I just didn't have any words to go with the music until today. When he says the first words, I turn to Hope. EVERY. SINGLE. WORD. It's all about me.
Verse two starts with my real name. 'Matilda, you talk of the pain like it's all alright. But I know that you feel like a piece of you's dead inside. You showed me a power that is strong enough to bring sun to the darkest days'. The tears stream down my face as he so perfectly describes the way I have felt about losing the family I was supposed to be a part of and finding the one that actually loved me.
'You can let it go. You can throw a party full of everyone you know. You can start a family who will always show you love. You don't have to be sorry, no'.
The song ends and Hope pauses the music, letting me sob snotty tears onto my t-shirt. I lift the neck and wipe them away, rather grossly. He wrote this for me before broke up? Did he change the lyrics after? What the hell am I supposed to do now? "What the hell Hope?"
"He said he sent it to you."
"He definitely did NOT! He played the music for me, but I have never heard the words. I would have remembered a song that was going to expose me to everyone. What is he trying to do?" I say, angrily, standing up to pace the floor.
"Nola, there have already been articles about your identity. I thought that was already dine with. Nobody seemed to have a huge problem with the daughter of Jasper Morgan wanting to distance herself from the disgusting family she was born into."
"But now there is NO question who he wrote the song about. Why didn't he just fucking call it Nola? And why would he put that on there? To fuck with my head?"
"Nola, calm down. This isn't him trying to expose you. Did you listen to the words. This is a God damn love letter to you." I sit down next to her and pinch my eyes shut to stop the tears from falling. I rub my hands together between my thighs, desperately trying to get my body to have any sensation other than the one that my heart is currently feeling.
"It just hurts. To know that I lost someone who saw me for exactly who I am. Someone who loved me for exactly who I am." Hope has no words to add to that, other than to pull me into a hug and hold me there as long as I want her to.
"The next one is about Olivia, I'm pretty sure. Want to skip it?" Hope asks and I nod, so we skip Cinema.
We start to listen to Daydreaming and I am brought back to all the times, early in our relationship, that he told me he was stuck in a daydream thinking about me. Maybe he was stuck in a daydream with other women (or men) too, so who knows if that one was about me or not. I'm just choosing to believe that some of these songs have to be about someone else. Right?
The song Keep Driving is once again could have been written about anyone, or bits and pieces of his time with different people. I have definitely never done cocaine, so that doesn't fit. I think I can chalk this one up to a song that he pulled inspiration from a bunch of people for, or someone that is not me.
When Satellite starts with 'You got a new life. Am I bothering you? Do you wanna talk?, I give Hope a look. Then the music continues and the tempo increases as he sings, 'Spinning out, waiting for ya to pull me in. I can see you're lonely down there. Don't you know that I am right here? Spinning out, waiting for you to pull me in. I can see you're lonely down there. Don't you know that I am right here?'
'Right here, right here. Spinning out, waiting for ya. I'm here, right here. Wishing I could be there for ya. Be there for ya. Be there for ya, for ya'. "Well, this one is not about me. He is not waiting for me- to be there for me."
"Are you sure about that?" Hope asks, but then just lets the beginning of Boyfriends play.
Boyfriends is another song I heard from Coachella, and I have nothing to say about that song in particular. It's beautiful and doesn't seem to have anything to do with me. So, I can just listen to it and enjoy.
"This is the last one," Hope tells me and I take a deep breath. Love of My Life. Nothing prepared me for this one. I wasn't prepared for it because I can't tell who it's about and the thought of it being someone else is painful. There are parts of the song that I could easily say are about me, but there are parts that have nothing to do with our relationship. The part that kills me is, 'It's not what I wanted, to leave you behind. Don't know where you'll land when you fly. But, baby, you were the love of my life'.
'Is that how he really feels?" I ask, like Hope would actually have the answer to that question for me.
"I don't know, Nola. Wasn't he the love of your life?"
"Of course he was."
"So, what makes you think that you weren't his?" she questions and I sit there, dumbfounded, for more time than I care to admit. The silence of the album ending washes over both of us like the afternoon sun now pouring in through the tall front windows in my apartment. I don't know whether to hate her for making me listen to it, or thank her for being here while I did. I knew there was no avoiding it once it came out. I just didn't expect it to tell the story it just told me.
•••••
JUNE 2022: California
This is our first time back in California since Christmastime. The girls cannot stop taking about the pool, because that hasn't been something we've had access to since we were here last December. I'm guessing our schedule will go something like; get off the plane, drive to the house, swim, unpack. Which I am just fine with.
Over the last four month, or so, Hope has been back and forth between New York and Los Angeles a lot for work. My California house is not the most convenient location for her to stay at while she is in California, but she insists on staying there anyways. It's nice to have someone checking in other than the estate manager I hired to keep on top of everything while I am gone, so I don't question her when she asks me to stay there.
"Girls, we have to bring the luggage INSIDE, and get it to the right rooms before we can swim. Do you hear me?" I ask them as they smile wildly in the car. Hattie is just as excited as they are. Having turned two back in March, and being tall for her age, people have started to question if I have triplets, instead of twins. They are definitely three peas in a pod most days. Other days it is Lottie and Hattie in one pod with Mia on the outside.
"Ok, mama," Mia says, as the others seem to be plotting something.
"Charlotte Louise. Did you hear me?" I ask and she nods her head.
•••••
After a few days settling in, I have a meeting at the vineyard to go over the next six months in the marketing plan. That means that Hope and Andrew, who I love so much as a partner for Hope, are on their own with the three ladies since I decided to bring Conrad with me to the meeting. It's not like the owners aren't used to things being a family affair and I am hoping that he will take a nap for a majority of the afternoon.
Thankfully, my plan is successful and after running around for the morning, looking at the different crops and new additions to the vineyard itself, we have lunch and Conrad goes down for a nap. After an hour-long meeting with Drake, going over the marketing from last year and the projections for next year, we come up with a plan that requires me to be in California for a total of three to four weeks over the next year. I think I can handle that plan. It's not like I don't like to have an excuse to come back to the Malibu house. I just want the excuse to be anything other than the possibility of running into Harry, which I actually don't want to do. Especially not after his album came out.
People love it. Hell, I love it. I watched the One Night Only live from New York and found myself in awe of him in a way that I never was for the entire time we were together. Ok, maybe when I watched him do the Golden video, but that is really the only experience I had with him as Harry Styles, the musician. The side of things that I saw- the man writing in journals and hanging out with his friends making music didn't equate to the enormity that is this version of Harry Styles. Then, to have people singing the lyrics to so many songs written about me, that has taken some getting used to.
•••••
JUNE 2022: England
It's the second week of June and I'm flying to England with all four kids by myself, but the girls are pretty good at traveling by now and Conny is such an easy baby that it doesn't seem like the huge undertaking that it did when I first did it two years ago. Then again, I am flying private, so the kids are free to roam around the plane and play with toys or eat snacks for the entire flight. Or in Conrads case, he nurses to sleep, then transitions beautifully to a cot in the middle of the chaos his sisters create, sleeping for nearly four hours.
When we land, Albert is there to pick us up with our vehicle (because it is the only one that will fit all of us). "How was the flight, Sugar?" he asks me, taking a bag from my shoulder to put in the back of the car.
"Really good. These four are seasoned travelers at this point, so I can't say that I am all that surprised."
"Well, grammy Helen is back at home making cookies. I'm sure that nobody in this car is interested in cookies when they get to the house. Are they?" He asks as he helps Hattie get herself buckled.
"I am!!" Hattie practically screams in his face.
"Well, good. Because I am pretty sure she has made ten for each of you." He closes the door and slides into the drivers seat, leaning over the center console to give me a hug. "It's good to have you all here."
We pull up to the house that I gifted Helen and Albert and I smile at the ways that they have worked to make it their own. We plan to stay in England, at Helen and Alberts, for the next month because our house won't be finished until close to Christmas. "Oh, my sweethearts! Come in! Come in!" Helen says from inside as she notices us getting out of the car.
"Grammy!" Lottie shouts, running to her and hugging her tightly. I unbuckle Hattie as Albert takes Conrad out of his seat and Helen's eyes focus on the little boy in Alberts arms. I know what she wants to say, so I say it for her.
"I know. He looks just like him," I say, noting that the little boy in Alberts arms could pass for Luke at the same age and I can't imagine seeing that through Helen's eyes- his mothers eyes. They told Luke about Conrad, but they have been very respectful to just tell me that he is doing fine and leave it at that. I bring the focus back to my little boy. "You're so handsome, aren't you Conny?" I say and he giggles in papa Albert's arms.
"Well, let's go inside and make sure those cookies taste good," he says, as Helen guides us all inside.
•••••
In a few days, it is going to be time to celebrate Conrad's first birthday. Today, though, I have a few things that I need to do before that can happen. First, I am heading to the designers office in London to go over everything for the house at Pinnacle. I had been given the recommendation to use AR Harris after I bought the property, so that is who I've been working with for the last year.
When I walk it it be office with a Conrad, Sloan immediately starts to pick up all the random things off her floor. "Don't worry. He will stay in his stroller. He is the easiest client you will ever have," I tell her, hoping that he doesn't make a liar out of me.
We go over the plans for nearly an hour, all while I hand single Cheerios to a smiley Conrad until he has eaten though an entire baggie. Then, I hand him four blocks to stack and build with on the table. Literally. Four blocks and he is entertained for another twenty minutes. When the final decisions have been signed off on, she compliments me on my excellent parenting and I laugh. "It only seems like that because he is the one I brought with. I have three little ladies that would prove otherwise. He is just an easy baby."
"Either way, this was a very easy meeting. I'm glad we decided to get it done today because now I can get everything off to the rest of the team and get things started early next week."
"Are we still looking at us being able to spend Christmas there this year?"
"I would say that is a very realistic timeline. It will depend on our furniture timelines, once we can get that ordered."
"If it is just furniture that's missing, I'm not worried. We just want to do Christmas at that house."
Earlier in the week, I asked Sarah for recommendations for someone to take first birthday pictures of Conrad. I will get plenty with the girls at the small family party we are having, but I want some of him alone, and some of him and I together, because I had done that with all three of the girls. Sarah was willing to give me a recommendation as long as I promised to come and visit her, and Mitch and Alex, after I got them done since the studio is just a few minutes from their house. I reluctantly agree to see my friends, as we have kept in fairly consistent contact over the last year, going through the first year together with our boys, mostly from a distance. I'm just choosing to ignore the fact that Harry knows where they live, too.
"Nola from Paris," Mitch greets me with. I still like neighbor Nola better, but he is a literal being and we are not neighbors anymore.
"Mitch from... Wait. Where are you from in the states?" I ask him, realizing that I don't know that tidbit.
"Mitch from Ohio. Now, though, I suppose it's Mitch from London." As we finish debating the location of our nicknames, the boys spot each other and as Conrad squirms to get out of my arms, Alex does the same to Sarah. They collide in the foyer and run off to the living room just past Sarah.
"And they're off!" she says. "You look gorgeous, by the way," she says about the fact that I am all dolled up from the photo shoot. "How was Emily?" she asks about their photographer friend.
"She was amazing. Thanks again for the recommendation." I notice the rather large pile of luggage to the side of the foyer. I know they are just home for a few days from touring, but I wasn't going to say anything. Then, Mitch notices where my eyes are focused.
"Yeah. We head back out the day after tomorrow." Because Mitch can always read my mind, he adds, "calm down. He's staying in Manchester until after those shows."
"I wasn't..." I try to say and he cuts me off.
"You were, but it's fine. No chance of an unexpected drop-in." I nod and smile as we walk further into the house and sit down where the boys are playing. I do fear that at some point the barrier of Harry being an off-limits topic will come down, but I'm glad that isn't happening today, because I'm not ready for that.
In that same vein, I don't want to ask about Harry, but I do want to ask how they are doing with having Alex on tour with them. I had given them the name of the agency I got Elodie through, when Harry told them he would get a full-time nanny for them while on tour. They had switched nanny's after the first leg, wanting someone who is based in London, as opposed to Los Angeles.
"Well, it has only been one show, but she has been with us now for almost a month and it is a very good fit." Sarah says. "Harry has a separate dressing room for Mitch and I that has a space for Alex to nap and he insisted on having a crate worth of stuff that travels from city to city just for Alex to stay entertained."
"Sounds about right," I say, remembering fondly the way that he orchestrated everything we needed for our road trip with the girls. "Anyways. What else is new?" I say, trying to change the subject, but they are not on board.
"Not just yet. We are coming to Paris the beginning of July. We'll be there for two days, and we would like to see you while we are there," Sarah says. "And..." she says, looking over at Mitch who nods his head, as if she is questioning if she should continue to speak. "And we think you should come to the show. In Paris."
"No. What?!" I say, shaking my head.
"He doesn't have to know you're coming, if you don't want him to. We have our own dressing room, if you want to come backstage. There are multiple VIP areas and we can have you seated away from his guests," Sarah says.
"C'mon Nola. Half of it's about you. You should see it live at least once," Mitch adds, which surprises me because he is almost always on the side of 'keep Nola and Harry separate'. In fact, he has never mentioned his name to me until now. Even so, he hasn't said his name, he has just used his pronoun.
"I don't know if that's a good idea."
"I do. And it is," Sarah defends. "The only question is how many tickets do you want us to hold for you?" I think about it for a while and decide that there are two little girls who should get the opportunity to see their favorite old neighbor perform in Paris.
"Four. You promise I won't see him? Like I don't want to be close to the stage, at all."
"Noted. Tickets not near the stage and security will be alerted to keep him away from our dressing room, should you decide to come back and visit before, or after, the show. He typically leaves right after, anyways. Especially in Paris, things can get a little wild, so they will cart him away as soon as he is off stage." I nod at Sarah's explanation, somewhat talking myself into being alright with the situation.
•••••
Three days later, we are celebrating Conrad turning one! It's just a small family party with Helen, Albert, the girls and me. We spend the day playing all the games our little prince wants to play and opening presents and eating all sorts of treats. There is a present from someone that has no label, but guessing from Helen's expression, she knows who it's from.
As Mia helps Conrad open the paper, a small baseball glove is unwrapped and a hand written message accompanies it, "may you grow up to be one heck of a ball player." Helen's smile verifies that the gift is indeed from Luke. He was a baseball player all through high school and college, only quitting because I got pregnant with the girls. Though he is to have no contact, I allow the small token of his affection for the son he will likely never get to meet.
•••••
JULY 2022: Paris
We landed in Paris two days before the concert. Elodie came back from her vacation today to an invitation to attend Harry Styles Love On Tour Paris show as a VIP, and she took it like the trained professional that I know she is. Tonight, I have to tell the girls that they are going to get to see Harry on stage, but that they won't get to see him in-person.
I ask Elodie to tuck in Hattie and Conrad while I talk to the twins in my room. "Mama are we sleeping in here?" Lottie asks.
"Do you want to have a sleepover?" I ask them and they both nod excitedly, so I decide to get them settled into the other side of the giant bed before sharing the news with them. "So, girls. Do you remember Mitch and Sarah, with baby Alex?"
"Uh huh," Mia says.
"Well, they invited us to the concert they are playing in. It's actually Harry's concert." The words leave my mouth and Mia's eyes glisten. "Do you want to go to see Harry sing and dance with me and Elodie tomorrow night?" I ask them and they both stand up and jump up and down on the bed, giving me their non-verbal answer.
"OK. I want you to know, though, that we will see Sarah and Mitch after the show, but probably not Alex because it will be past his bedtime."
"Will we see Harry?" Lottie asks.
"I don't think so, bug. He has to leave right after the show, but you can make a picture for Mitch and Sarah to give him, if you want to." That seems to appease them down, at least for now. I'm thankful for the distraction of them sleeping in my room, now that I have moved Conrad into his own. I didn't need to stay awake all night by myself thinking about seeing him tomorrow. Now I will stay awake all night with two little girls kicking me in the side, thinking about seeing him tomorrow.
•••••
Today is Harry's show in Paris. I've messaged with Sarah and I know which entrance to meet the security guard at. He will show us to our seats after checking both my ID and Elodie's ID.
As we approach the arena, Mia spots the giant poster of Harry adorning the side of the building. How she has missed all the pictures of him plastered all over Paris for the last month I will never understand. Try having your ex staring at you everywhere you go. "MAMA!!! It's Harry!!" she squeals and Elodie looks at her like she is losing her mind. I know that Elodie knows we have a history- Harry and me, but I don't think she understands that the girls have a history with him, too.
"Yeah. Remember, it's his concert. So, you will get to see a lot of him."
We go to the gate we were told and there are two guards posted. One asks for our names and checks them against the list. "Guests of the Rowlands?" It's so strange to hear that now that they are married.
"Yes."
"Right this way," the other guard directs us. "You are not going to main VIP area, correct?"
"No. We wanted separate seats." I say and Elodie again looks over at me and I shrug. They direct us to a box set halfway up the section to the right of the stage. There are only eight seats, so I assume, or at least I hope, we are the only ones in the box. After getting snacks and going to the bathroom, we come back with twenty minutes to show time and the other four seats are still empty. I'm about to ask security if there is anyone else coming when I get a text from Sarah.
----- Text from Sarah -----
Sarah: Did you make it in alright?
Nola: All seated and ready 🫣
Sarah: Perfect.
Nola: Will there be anyone else joining us?
Sarah: There shouldn't be.
Nola: Thanks.
Sarah: The same guard will bring you backstage after the show, after Harry leaves.
Nola: Thank you.
Nola: Good Luck!
----- End of Message -----
The screen has been shifting between lots of images but when a black and white beach ball comes up, people start to go insane. Then the intro to Music for a Sushi Restaurant starts to play and he emerges. He is in striped pants and t-shirt with cherries on it, of course. How cheeky of him. I can tell as he starts singing that he isn't hearing things well because his face is not relaxed, then I see him gesture for something to be turned up.
The next song starts, Golden, and I smile at the memories that the song holds. He is completely comfortable now. Behind his guitar he seems the most comfortable, or maybe he is more comfortable with the older songs that he knows well. The next song, Adore You, starts and the girls go wild. This is one of their favorites. As he typically does for this song, he runs to one side of the stage and looks up and around, then he runs to the side of the stage, the side that our seats happen to be on. He looks up, focused in the direction of the box and blows a kiss towards the girls. Surely he didn't see us?
As he runs away, he seems lighter on his feet. He dances to the next few songs, down the center aisle, where he stays to start singing Cinema, and thats when I see her. Olivia is front and center in the VIP section next to the sound booth and he has definitely made it a point to connect with her during this song. Im mesmerized by his hips thrusting in the tight striped pants as he sings, 'you got, you. I bring the pop. You got, you got the cinema. I bring the pop to the cinema', but he skips saying the 'when we get intimate' part, allowing the audience to finish that part for him.
The concert continues, with two four-year-olds excitedly singing way more of the lyrics than they should probably know to some of the songs. Their energy is contagious and I can't help but smile and dance alongside them.
When Harry starts to walk forward with three members of his band, I know what is coming. "The next song we are going to play for you is a very special one to me. If you know the words, please do sing along. This is Matilda." After introducing it, he looks over his shoulder- directly at our box, and smiles, and gives a thumbs up that I am choosing to believe was for Mitch to start playing and not me.
He closes his eyes as he sings the lyrics that match the childhood memories I shared with him. He only opens his eyes momentarily, but then goes back to singing with them closed. I start to tear up as everyone lights their phones and the arena sings the words with him to MY song. He sounds beautiful- angelic almost. Mia looks up at me, and takes my hand when she sees me crying. "Isn't it a pretty song," I say to her and she nods, squeezing my hand as she stands back up on the bottom rail to see over the top.
The rest of the concert blends together after that. Watching him react to people's signs, stopping on one that is a 'truth or dare' and he switches to truth after seeing something that he didn't want to do as a dare. Then, he does a bunch of songs to dance to before getting to Love of My Life, and the entire arena turns to rainbow colored.
"Mama!! LOOK!!" Lottie yells, pointing to the colors around the arena. I thought they would get tired and start whining at some point, but they are so enthralled with him. We all are. None of us has sat down since he started singing, which I think it true for most of the arena. When he starts to Sign of the Times, I can't help but get overwhelmed again. How is this the same man that I shared those months with? How is this my Harry?
He walks towards our side of the stage again, and he pauses, clearly looking into the box and this time there is no mistaking that he made eye contact with me, as I am standing there sobbing. He once again, pauses and waves at the girls. As he walks to the other side I lean over to Elodie. "I don't think we can go backstage. He wasn't supposed to know that we're here."
"Um, he definitely knows," she says, tilting her head towards the stage where he is looking over at me again, like now that he has seen me, he can't avoid me. To be fair, I've been staring at him for over an hour now. "You might not want my opinion, but I think you need to go backstage," Elodie says.
As the song finishes, he bows to everyone before he turns around, once again lifting his head to our box as he walks back down the catwalk. He brings his hands over his face, like he doesn't believe it. That or he's upset. He disappears behind stage for a few minutes, but I know he will be back out.
Of course the the first song when he returns is Watermelon Sugar, and he looks so fucking hot singing it, probably because I know how hot he is doing it. The man keeps turning around, not trying to be too obvious, but as he spins to the side, his eyes keep looking at the box. Then, fucking Medicine starts and this time Elodie goes wild.
It's hard to not watch Olivia and her friends dancing to his songs. As I'm watching his girlfriend, Elodie smacks me, because he is singing 'we getting dizzy, oh,' and staring up at the box again. Shit. Double shit. Now he's staring at me again, so I look away, like that is going to matter. Mia and Lottie are jumping up and down, cheering loudly as the song ends.
Then, Mia's voice blasts over the sound system, filling the arena, 'come on Harry, we wanna say goodnight to you'. She looks up at me. "MAMA!! THAT'S ME!!!" The song continues and the four of us sing along to the lyrics that the entire world knows by now, but only I know them as intimately as he does. It seems very apropos that this is the song he decides to close the show with. This time, his eyes stay focused on the audience until the very end, when he looks up before the chords for Kiwi start. For that song, he doesn't look my direction once. Perhaps that was intentional? I see him having a little non-verbal conversation with Sarah as the end of the song winds down and she gives him a knowing smile.
Trader.
As it ends, he leaves the stage and the band follows him. After a few minutes, the lights come on in the arena to guide people to the exits. I stand for longer than I should, unsure of my next move. So unsure that I pull out my phone and text Sarah.
----- Text to Sarah -----
Nola: I don't think we are going to come backstage.
Nola: He knows we are here.
Sarah: He does, but I just saw him get in the car with Olivia.
Sarah: Come and see us.
Nola: OK.
----- End of messages -----
The same security guard gathers us to bring us to a private elevator. "Is there a restroom we could use before we go downstairs?" I ask him.
"There is one right off the elevator once we get to the basement." I nod at his answer, knowing that the girls will need a potty break and I need to make sure I don't look awful. Elodie just follows along, holding one of the girls hands in each of hers. She is looking at me like she is expecting me to have a breakdown at any moment, which is a fair assumption because I feel like I could.
We get to the ground floor and the door opens to an empty hallway. We stop to use the bathroom, and Elodie pulls me aside. "If you want to talk to him, I can take the girls."
"No. He's not here. Sarah told me that he left. So, we are just going to see them quick and then we will head out." I say and she nods, following me out of the bathroom and down the hallway behind the guard until we reach Mitch and Sarah's door. He knocks on the outside, and Sarah announces "come in."
When I enter, a third person is sitting with his back to the door. I'd know those shoulders anywhere. He doesn't turn around, but my suspicions are verified when Sarah gives me apologetic eyes. I'm not the only one who knows that it's him, though. Mia runs over to him. "HARRY!" she screams, climbing onto his lap like it hasn't been over a year since she saw him. Harry turns around to make eye contact with me and says a simple. "Hi, Nol." Nol?
I'm sure I black out for a moment. My mind registers that he is talking to Mia and Lottie, and that Sarah introduced my nanny, but I am watching all of it unfold without being a part of any of it. I'm frozen. Sarah pulls me out of it when she says, "Elodie, why don't you, Mitch and I take the girls to play with the toys that are set up down the hall?" I watch her gesture for me to sit down and talk to Harry.
"Only ten minutes. We have to get them to bed," I say and they both whine, but agree. As they leave the room, I move to where Sarah was sitting, and cautiously lower my body into the seat across from Harry.
He looks down at his feet, timidly speaking first. "I didn't know you were coming. Not until I saw the girls during Adore You."
"I heard the album," is my idiotic reply.
"Obviously," he jokes. Duh. I literally just watched the man perform the songs live.
"Yeah. Sorry. This is just really awkward." I admit, adding, "Sarah told me I wouldn't run into you."
"Do you want me to leave?" he asks, looking at me for the first time, with full-on puppy dog eyes begging me not to ask him to go.
"No. Not unless you want to." I say and he shakes his head, then looks back down at his feet.
"I've been imagining being in the same room as you for over a year, so I'm not going anywhere unless you ask me to." That admission has us both silent for nearly a minute. "The girls are so grown up. And they speak French?" The last line throws me for a loop, so he clarifies. "They were talking to the nanny as they were leaving. Fluently, might I add," he says and I nod.
"Yeah. We live..." Should I tell him? Does he already know? "We live here now. I'm guessing you knew that, though." He runs his hands through his hair, uncomfortably trying to focus on me without staring, but he is doing a really shit job. "The show was amazing," I tell him.
"Thanks. Haven't been singing the new ones much yet, so I am still getting comfortable with them. We just started the middle of last month." He tells me the things I already know.
"Yeah." I say and stare off.
"You're right. This is really fucking awkward." He says and that breaks the tension between us down a bit more. "How is Hattie? And Conrad?" he asks me.
"Hattie is good- talking up a storm, and thick as thieves with Lottie. Conrad is the chillest baby on the planet- even more chill than Alex. Even Mitch agrees that he trumps Alex in the laid back department."
"They've mentioned that he is a very good baby." He then tries to swallow his words, having admitted that he talks to Mitch and Sarah about me, or at least about Conrad. Seems the boundary only goes one way. "Not that we talk about him, or you. They just mentioned it."
"It's fine, Harry. I get it."
He starts to stare at me. In a way that should make me uncomfortable, but it familiar. "You look good, Nol."
"So do you," I say back, because he does. We stare back and forth at one another, studying how the year apart has aged both of us.
Finally, I end the staring contest. "I better go find the girls. I'm sure they'd like to see you again, unless you have to get back to..." I don't say her name, but the implication is still there.
"She has friends in town. They're going out and she knows I don't go out after a show. It never ends well."
"I need to get back to Conrad and Hattie- relieve grandma Colette of her duties, since I stole the nanny for the night." He stands up and straightens out the striped pants with his hands palm down to his thighs, then reaches his hand out to help me up. I stare at it before reluctantly grabbing it and allowing him to help me.
"It's just my hand, Nol. You used to touch a lot more than that," he says with a curled lip smirk and as I stand up, I get close enough to him to smell his sweat mixed with his distinct scent. God, I've missed him. We almost reach the door and he stops us. "Wait."
"What?"
"Can I have your number? Like, I'd like to hear more about the girls and what you are doing in Paris, but I know you can't stay and talk tonight."
"I don't know, Harry. I don't think that is a good idea. You...You blocked me."
"I... It wasn't me. Olivia thought that I needed to block you to move on." I knew it wasn't his idea.
"That was probably a smart move," I say, knowing that his girlfriend is partying with models somewhere in Paris and she will get to be the one who he uses his lips on tonight.
"Yeah. You can get it from Sarah."
"No I can't. Not unless you give her permission." Sounds like he's tried before.
----- Text to Sarah -----
Nola: You can give Harry my number.
Nola: Once you leave Paris.
Sarah: OK?
----- End of messages -----
"Not until we leave?"
"It's best for everyone, Harry. The last thing we need is to be photographed together. Talking to you is one thing. Being with you, in public, is another. I just got the parents at school to stop whispering about me. Plus, I doubt your girlfriend would be happy about it."
He shifts uncomfortably at the mention of Olivia. "Are... are you seeing anyone?"
I laugh, a hearty bowling laugh. "Your joking, right? You do remember that I have four kids, four and under. I'm not exactly what you would consider prime girlfriend material."
He gets very close when he whispers. "That's simply not true." With shivers running down my spine, I reach for the doorknob because nothing good can come from us staying in this room any longer. He takes the hint and guides me towards the indoor playground that is set up in one of the other rooms.
"Mama! Harry! They have swings!" Lottie yells as she pumps her legs to go higher. Harry walks over to Mia as Sarah comes over to me.
"Please don't be mad. I swear didn't tell him. He saw the girls. He literally found out mid-concert. Then he wouldn't leave our dressing room."
"I'm not mad. I'm just really fucking confused."
"That's fair," she says as she turns to watch Harry push Mia on the swing next to a Elodie pushing Lottie. They have wide smiles on their faces, like the last year hadn't happened. "So, he can have your number when we leave?"
"Yea, but not a minute sooner. Nothing good would come of that."
"Are you sure about that?" she asks.
"I'm positive," I say, more to convince myself than to convince her. Sarah looks far from convinced, but I stand my ground. Mia runs up to me, doing her little dance. "Mama, I need to go potty," she says.
"Um..." I say, looking around.
"Follow me. My dressing room is the closest," Harry says and I ask Lottie if she needs to go and she shakes her head no and stays back with Elodie while Harry guides us to his dressing room.
It's very different than Mitch and Sarah's. His is dark and moody, with floor lamps to light the space and a large velvet couch sitting in front of draped black fabric covering a wall. "It's right in there, darling," he says, pointing out an open door to her.
"I better go with her," I say, gesturing to the space and he nods. I can feel his eyes glued to my ass as I walk away.
"Are you going to kiss Harry again?" She asks, loud enough that there is no way Harry didn't hear her.
I answer her in French. "Non, il a une petite amie qui s'appelle Olivia maintenant."
"Oh," she says, her smile somewhat disappearing. "Il me manque."
"Moi aussi." I tell her. I had no idea just how much until tonight.
We leave the bathroom and he stands from the couch. "Are you ready?" He says, rubbing his palms together. "I can have Paddy drop you at home. He has to bring me back to the hotel anyways."
"That would save us the trouble of sorting out getting home. If you're sure."
"Of course. I would feel better knowing you got home safe." He guides us back to Lottie.
"Can you two catch a ride with Nyoh and Paulie? I am going to have Paddy drop off Nola, Elodie and the girls before he brings me back."
"Sure thing," Mitch says, smirking at Sarah, which I am choosing to ignore.
I say my farewells to Mitch and Sarah and Harry directs us to the waiting van. He apologizes for not having seats for the girls, but they wouldn't have any on the metro either. We all get settled, Elodie and Lottie in the back. Harry, and I sitting on either side of Mia in the middle row.
I give Paddy my address and he starts down the busy Paris streets. I know they call New York the city that never sleeps, but I'd say that Paris could compete with them. The lights never seem to go out and people are up at all hours enjoying wine and food, and each others company. I catch Harry watching me as I stroke Mia's hair, but I only catch him doing so because I am doing the same to him. After a few minutes, he stops stealing glances at me, and starts to look out the window. He seems very interested to see where we are going.
Within ten minutes, Mia is asleep on my lap and Lottie is drifting off against Elodie. The ride remains silent to aid the sleeping girls, but it's not uncomfortable. When we turn down our street, I start to gather our things and his attention seems glued to the window again, looking up at the old buildings surrounding mine. Paddy opens the door once he parks and Harry steps out to help Elodie out first. She then leans back to pick up Lottie and heads for the house. Next, Harry comes to my side of the van. "Can I help you with anything?" he asks.
"No, I got it," I say, putting the purse across my body before bending down to pick up Mia.
"It was really nice to see you," he says, his hand instinctively touching my low back and I jolt at the contact. "Sorry. I didn't know... I was going to hug you, but you're holding her."
"Maybe it's best if we just say goodbye," I suggest, knowing that I can't cross that line because he isn't available for anything other than a few texts or the occasional platonic phone call.
"You're right," he says, seeming deflated. "Goodnight Nola."
"Goodnight, Harry," I say, as I climb the stairs to my apartment and enter the door that Elodie is holding open for me.
Once I get inside, my usually quiet nanny whispers to me, "I am going to put her to bed, then I'm going to go to bed. When I come back tomorrow, I'm going to need to know what all that was," she says, pointing at the van with Harry Styles pulling away from my curb.
"I'm not sure I even know what all that was," I admit and she rolls her eyes at me.
"Liar, liar. Glittery golden pants on fire," she tuts as she climbs the stairs. I look down to see my glittery golden pants shimmering in the foyer light and wonder to myself what the hell was that?