Alek
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There is not a single word that can explain the guilt I'm experiencing. I know none of this was technically my fault, burning a way it was.
I know Anthony feels that it's all my fault, he's voiced his opinion to me plenty of times. Like I don't already feel bad enough.
I not only have to deal with the horrendous thoughts and memories of me being tortured the last two years, but now I have Noah to care for and everyone else is out to attack me.
I'm sick and tired of being portrayed as the bad guy.
Yeah, maybe I put on the tough guy facade, but inside, in simple terms. . . I'm hurting.
I can hardly close my eyes without picturing the men I've had to murder. The blood on my hands. The physical and mental pain I was put through. No one seems to realize, or maybe they genuinely don't care about me and only worry about Noah's well-being.
I'm glad Noah has such a strong support system. I'm envious of him. Maybe even a little jealous.
I feel so out of place around everyone besides Noah and Julian. I don't feel like I belong. I'm just an outsider who's fucking up everyone's lives in the process. I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but how can I not be?
I got Noah's stuffed teddy from the car, smiling at the thought of how happy Mrs. Cuddles makes him.
If she wasn't in the car, I'd have drove to his apartment just to get it for him. I can't bear to see my beautiful boy sad. I'd rather support him through this than think about my past. Caring for my boy keeps my mind busy. I can easily admit that being with him is helping me heal.
"Hey, you guys about ready to go?" I looked up to see Agent Giovani approaching with Agent Moore.
"Probably. I'll go in and check. Does everything look okay out here?"
"Yes. We did a full sweep of the premises, and two undercovers did a drive around the area. There is nothing of concern. We do need to get going though."
"Alright. Give me a minute, I'll go check on everything." I walked back in the house. In the entry way, Noah was sat on the stairs waiting; his eyes dark and bloodshot.
"Oh, Noah! I forgot I have a gift for you!" Fox shouted as he ran back up the stairs.
"A gift?" He perked up, looking over his shoulder, but Fox had already disappeared.
"Hi, Daddy." He whispered sadly.
He looked as though he was going to cry again, so I knelt down in front of him and set Mrs. Cuddles on his lap.
"Look, baby boy. I got Mrs. Cuddles for you." I smiled, caressing his soft cheek.
"Thank you so much, Daddy. You're so kind." His tiny arms wrapped around my neck. He attacked me in a tight hug, almost making me fall backwards.
"Of course, baby. I will do everything in my power to make you happy." I smiled genuinely, kissing his sweet lips.
"Can I ask you something?" He muttered under his breath.
"Sure."
"A—Are you happy? Are you okay? I. . . I know this is a lot for you to handle too, Daddy. I can see it. You aren't fooling me. You look so sad, even when you're smiling." He frowned, his eyes watering again.
"I will be fine, my beautiful boy. Don't worry about me, do you understand?" The last thing I want is for Noah to worry about me and my well-being. I may have been through a lot, but he just saw his parents decapitated heads, along with finding out his biological mother is dead. Noah's such a sensitive boy, and I need to do everything I can to make him feel better, because honestly, helping him helps me.
"But—" He started.
"No buts. Daddy is strong, I'll be okay." I smiled and kissed his cheek. We were interrupted by Fox barreling down the stairs, holding a large gift bag in his hands.
"It's huge! What is it?!" Noah gasped. Even though he was sad, it was hard to miss the look of excitement on his face.
"Why don't you open it and find out?" Fox wiggled his brows, holding out the bag. "I wanted to give it to you earlier, but I forgot."
"It's okay." Noah blushed, pulling out the pink and white tissue paper.
"Oh my god, a blankie?!" He pulled the thing out so fast, the bag fell to the ground, and in Noah's hands was a big fuzzy rainbow blanket. He smooshed his face into the fabric and held it close. "It's so pretty, thank you!" He reddened, jumping up to hug Fox.
"Of course, I'm glad you like it. I knew it would be perfect for you, gorgeous. Even though it's not much, it was enough to get you to smile."
"It's perfect, Fox. I'm going to sleep with this every day." He smiled then sniffled again.
"Oh no, don't cry babes. Shh." He spoke soothingly, kissing the top of Noah's head.
They pulled apart, and I grabbed Noah's suitcase. Everyone else made their way downstairs, Julian looking at me with a tense smile.
"You good?" His hand landed on my shoulder, bringing me out from my thoughts.
"Yeah. Let's get out of here."
"I got you a few shirts and stuff you can wear, but we'll get more from the agents when we get to well, wherever we're going."
"Thanks, man. You didn't have to do that." I took the duffel bag from his hands and set it on top of Noah's suitcase.
Noah held his stuffed animal and blanket close to him, then moved to stand directly beside me as we walked outside. He glued himself to my side and despite everything happening right now, it was adorable.
We shoved our suitcases in the back of the van and all began to get inside. There wasn't enough seats, but that wasn't something to worry over.
"Of course you're the one driving us." Liam grumbled, taking his seat in the very back with Will.
The atmosphere was tense.
"I know we have our problems, and I will say this again, now is not the time. I don't mean to sound rude, but we need to get moving." Giovani responded professionally, his voice void of any emotion.
Will scoffed at that and crossed his arms.
Noah slid over to the middle seat beside me, snuggling in close to my body.
Anthony and Chris squished in with Will and Liam in the back, Fox was with us and Julian in the front seat.
I wrapped my arms around Noah and held him close.
"You can close your eyes if you want, malysh. I will wake you once we get there." I whispered in his ear and he cuddled in closer.
"Okay, Daddy. I love you." Noah murmured tiredly, holding Mrs. Cuddles to his chest and his new blanket wrapped around his body.
We were driving for around forty minutes when a loud sound startled me awake.
"Okay, who the fuck did that." Fox held his hand over his nose in disgust.
"Oh god, that smells so bad. Who shit themself?!" Chris whined.
Then Noah's eyes opened and his face scrunched up in disgust.
"Oh my god, that's so stinky." He his his face in my chest to block the smell.
"Sorry guys that barbeque is finally hitting me." Julian admitted as he rolled down the window.
"That doesn't even smell human." Fox gagged. "Don't be expecting to get any from me after that."
"You know you love this ass, Fox." Julian said cockily.
"Not right now, you sick bitch."
Even though it was disgusting, everyone had a little laugh. The mood was lightened. It was still quiet, just not as tense.
It was only a matter of a few minutes until the van came to a stop at the San Carlos Airport. There were two smaller planes on the tarmac, one in front of the other.
"You're not separating us, are you?" I asked Agent Giovanni as we all got out to stretch and grab our bags. "Because I'm not going to be apart from any—"
"No." Giovani cut me off. "We are using one plane as a decoy. Some of our agents will be boarding the other, and will be going to two separate destinations. If they are watching, we can hopefully throw them off. With that being said, everyone please board the plane quickly as we don't want to waste any more time."
"I didn't think you guys would be taking this so seriously." Will stated with a hint of surprise in his voice; throwing a bag over his shoulder.
"I always take my job seriously. Whether I have a past with you guys or not, your safety will always be my top priority." I definitely didn't miss the guilt that flashed across Antonio's face. He looked full of shame and regret, but for good reason. He seemed to have really fucked Liam and Will up, and now he has to pay for his mistakes.
Liam pushed past everyone and boarded the plane first. The rest of us started to follow behind. Noah looked exhausted dragging his tiny feet along the pavement, so I had someone take our bags and I lifted my boy up in my arms.
"I—I can walk, Daddy. Is okay." He murmured, nuzzling his face to the crook of my neck.
"You look so tired, sweetheart. Let me carry you." I smiled, squeezing him tight.
"Okay, thank you. Love you." He said softly, giving my cheek a small kiss.
"I love you too, baby boy." I carried Noah up the stairs, setting him down in a seat near the back. I made sure he was wrapped up snuggly in his blanket, before taking the empty seat beside him.
We all found our seats, and I finally asked the question I'm sure we've all been wondering.
"So, where are we going? Where is this safe house?"
"We can not disclose that information to you. You will see once we arrive. Fly time is approximately four and a half hours. Travel time to the house is just over two. There will be a warm meal provided during the flight, and we will so stop for food, as well as some groceries before we go to the house." Giovani sat back down in his seat at the front of the plane.
I made sure Noah was buckled in before doing my own up.
After they finished packing away the luggage, we were in the air.
I was able to get a couple hours of sleep during the flight, but we hit some turbulence that kept me from falling back asleep.
It was so late, the sun looked to already be rising. It's been a long night with little to no sleep.
The flight attendant came along to offer some food. I got a couple of bacon breakfast sandwiches and a hot coffee to wake me up.
Surprisingly, it wasn't horrible.
I ordered a second coffee, and as I was putting in the sugar and milk, Noah stirred beside me.
He looked up at me with confused, tired eyes.
"Hey, sleeping beauty. How are you feeling?"
"Um. . . I tired. What happening?"
It only took me a second to realize Noah had regressed to little space.
He was doing so good, I thought he might have been able to control it. I don't really understand how it happened in his sleep, but it makes sense with the amount of stress he's obviously feeling.
"We're going somewhere safe, sweetheart." I smiled warmly at my beautiful boy.
"Papacha g—going keep me safe?"
"You're going to be so safe, love. I'm going to take good care of you. We all are. Are you hungry? The food is really yummy. You should eat something."
"O—Only if I sit your lap. I need hug because I um. . . I a little sad."
"Come here, Papochka will make you feel all better, okay?" I opened my arms up and Noah moved from his seat to sit on my lap. His back was against the window of the plane, his legs comfortably over mine. I embraced him tightly, kissing the top of his head.
"Papacha?" He whispered.
"Yes?"
"Can I have a juice? I thirsty."
I nodded and pressed the button to call the attendant. She got us a glass of orange juice with a straw, and a sandwich for him to eat.
He went to grab the sandwich, but I shook my head. "Let Papochka feed you, sweetheart. I'll take care of you."
He opened his mouth wide as I held the sandwich to his lips. I laughed at the grease that dropped down his chin, making him frown at me.
"What so funny?"
"Here." I chuckled, grabbing the napkin and wiping his chin clean.
"Oopsies." He giggled. "Can I have more please?" He opened his mouth again and I happily fed him his sandwich. Once we got down to the last bite, Noah placed a big, slobbery kiss to my cheek then started giggling like crazy again.
"Oh you think that's funny?" I raised my brow.
"Y—Yeah you cheek all wet now!"
"That's it. I didn't want to bring him out, but you gave me no choice." I sighed.
"Bring who—" He gave me a perplexed look.
"The tickle monster!" I yelled, tickling my silly boy.
"Ah! Ah! No—No tickle!" He squirmed, but I didn't relent. I kept tickling him until he had tears in his eyes from giggling so much.
"What in the world is going on here?" Chris was standing in the aisle, watching us with an amused grin.
Noah gasped. "Chrissy! Papacha being mean! He tickle me sooo much!"
"Well, don't just sit there, get him back!" Chris gave Noah a playful smile and Noah's eyes lit up.
With quick movements, Noah was tickling me back. My stomach, my armpits, my neck; anywhere he could get his hands on. It's been so long since I've been tickled, I forgot what it even felt like.
I bursted out in laughter, trying to catch his tiny hands, but they were too fast.
Eventually I caught them, and I gave each of his hands a kiss.
"You're too adorable, sweetheart."
"I the tickle monster, not you! Me! I am!"
"Okay fine, you win. Are you happy?" I smiled.
"Yep! Can we watch show? A—And can I have sip of juice please papacha?"
"Of course, sweetheart."
"I'll leave you to it. Should be landing wherever the fuck we're going soon." Chris said, starting to walk back to his seat.
"Chrissy! No swear!" Noah shouted.
"Sorry buddy!" Chris chuckled and joined the others.
I got Noah a show set up on the small screen. He was quickly engrossed with the animation, smiling and humming along to the songs. It was some Disney movie, Encanto I think? I can hardly remember.
A little over an hour later we were descending. I put Noah back in his seat, buckling him up tight.
Eventually we got our bags and all piled into another van.
"Well, boys. Welcome to Louisana." Agent Giovana said casually as he began driving away from the airport.
"Now who the hell came up with that?" Chris asked. "Not that it's a bad thing, it's just so. . . Random?"
"No freaking way you brought us to the alligator capital of the world! I'm gonna get eating by a fucking gator!" Fox shouted in fear, looking skeptically at the water through the window.
"But they've got the most amazing seafood, so that makes up for it. We're definitely getting some when we go to the grocery store." Julian said.
"We'll stop in Baton Rouge. It's about an hour from here. That alright with you guys?" Antonio asked.
"Sure." Julian answered for us all.
"There are going to be a few other agents driving down here. They should make it by nightfall. They, and myself, are going to be staying ten minutes away in a separate house. And to answer your question from earlier, we are going to be staying just outside of Ville Platte."
"How big is this place? I've never heard of it." Julian asked.
"Quite small. There is a population of just over six thousand. They do have a Walmart, and a few other grocery places so no need to worry. We'll be pretty secluded from everyone. Before we get any further, you all have left your electronic devices at home, yes?"
We all nodded.
That's one thing they made sure of before we left the house. Don't bring anything that could track us.
"Papacha?" Noah whispered.
"Yes?"
"Do you think brown cows make chocolate milk and white cows make white milk?"
When I looked over to Noah, his expression was dead serious. I couldn't help but laugh.
"What funny?"
"Nothing, sweetheart. No, brown cows don't make chocolate milk."
"Oh." He said sadly.
"Papacha?"
"Yes?"
"Why is the moon called the moon?"
"I. . . That's a good question, I'm not sure."
"Chrissy?" Noah asked.
"Yes, buddy?"
"Why don't boys have boobies?"
"Where do you even come up with this stuff?" Chris asked, laughing at Noah who frowned.
"It a serious question! You guys no have any answers for me."
There's one thing I noticed about Noah. . . He seems older than when he was last in little space. Maybe it has something to do with him changing while he was asleep, rather than awake? He's still young of course, it just feels different. I'm not complaining. Him being little helps to keep my mind occupied from everything else. Him and his adorably curious mind.
Noah gave us all a few laughs throughout the drive.
We stopped for groceries and stocked up on some new clothes and other necessities to get us through our time here.
The second half of the drive was more quiet. Noah was tired, so he fell asleep cuddled up in my arms, the two of us wrapped in his blanket. He was so happy when he offered to share with me that I couldn't say no.
I heard the door of the van sliding so I opened my eyes, noticing we were parked in front of a gorgeous house surrounded by woods. We were definitely in the middle of butt fuck nowhere.
I brushed the back of my hand against Noah's cheek. His eyes fluttered open and he looked at me with a shy smile.
"Do you have my glasses papacha? I no see very well." He yawned, then slowly moved into a sitting position.
"Here, sweetheart." I grinned and carefully put them on for him.
"Thank you!" He smiled back at me, then quickly got out of the van.
"Is so pretty here! Look at the flowers!" He said giddily, running off to the flower beds.
"Maybe we can do some gardening this week, huh? Would you like that?" Fox asked and Noah's eyes lit up so bright.
"Yes, yes, yes! That be so fun!" He blushed, vibrating in excitement.
"Great, we can go get some stuff from the store this week. Come on, let's go pick out your bedroom, buddy." Noah took Fox's hand as he led him inside the house. The rest of us followed in shortly after with our bags, then brought in the groceries.
"Alright, well, I'm just a call away if you guys need anything. Once the other agents are here, we will drop off a vehicle for you to use during your time here. In the mean time, my card is in the kitchen. You can use this phone to reach me at any point." Agent Giovani handed me a cell phone, then spared a glance over my shoulder before walking out.
When I turned around, Liam and Will were standing in view from the kitchen. I couldn't for the life of me decipher what Antonio feels towards them. Antonio looks like he has so much to say to them, but is clearly holding himself back. Liam and Will on the other hand just seem like they want nothing to do with him.
"Hey, Alek! Wanna come help us get dinner ready? The boys are going to play some games with Noah!" Julian yelled from the kitchen.
"Yeah, just let me bring my bags up to the room and I'll be right there!" I shouted back, carrying mine and Noah's luggage, along with the bags of clothes and toiletries we got upstairs.
A few minutes later, I changed into a fresh t-shirt and sweats, then joined the guys in the kitchen.
"What're we making?" I asked.
"Seafood." Anthony answered sharply. I fought myself to hold back an eye roll.
"Alright. What can I do?"
"You wanna cut up the sausage, I'll do the corn. Liam, you cut up the vegetables and Anthony, you can get the seafood ready." Julian instructed.
"Damn, bossy today aren't you." Anthony smirked.
"I don't see you taking charge." Julian shot back with a cocked brow.
"You'd like it if I did though, wouldn't you." Julian just shook his head in response. I didnt have anything to add, so I got to work cutting up the meat.
It took a good few hours until dinner was finally ready, but we did it without burning the place down.
I grabbed the boys and had them join us in the dining room.
We had a few bottles of wine placed on the table, along with a big glass of juice for Noah, and the most amazing seafood boil I've ever smelt.
Everyone began loading up their plates and Noah sat there sweetly with his hands in his lap.
"I'll get yours for you, sweetheart, don't worry." I smiled, putting a mountain of food on both of our plates.
I was just about to take a bite when Noah shook my shoulder.
"What's wrong baby boy?"
"I—It's a-a-a head!" He panicked. "I-I-I see it's eyeballs!" He picked up the crawfish and screamed. Noah took the crawfish and threw it across the room. It hit the wall with a thud and dropped to the floor.
He was breathing heavily, his body was trembling.
"I-I not hungry anymore." He cried.
"Do you want something else? We bought you dino nuggets." I offered with an enticing grin.
"I like dino nuggies." He whispered.
"Alright then, sweetheart. Papochka will make you something tasty. Wanna come with me?"
Noah nodded and took my held out hand.
"Save me a T-Rex one, Noah!" Chris yelled.
"You get Triceratops one! T-Rex mine!" Noah exclaimed, dragging me to the kitchen as he ran.
I lifted Noah up and set his bum down on the counter, then raided the freezer for some nuggets and his favorite curly fries.
Soon, everything was plated. I made enough for myself because Noah said he didn't want me eating that "yucky" stuff. He also had me make an extra nugget for each person here.
Noah laid them all out on a plate, then proceeded to put a smiley face on each nugget with barbeque sauce. He was so proud of himself.
I found myself grinning like an idiot. I love this boy so much.
"Papacha, can help me bring this to them?"
"Do you want me to carry the plate for you?"
"Yes please. I no want to spill." He blushed. "I hand them out."
"That's a great idea, sweetheart. Go on, I'm right behind you."
Everyone was talking when we came in. Noah cleared his throat after standing there for a minute.
"I brought you all nuggies." He said anxiously. "I hope you like them." With a blush, he stood beside Will and handed him a nugget.
"One for you." Noah smiled, then gave Will a hug.
He went to each person, giving them a nugget and a hug.
"Do you like the smile faces?" He asked everyone with a hopeful look in his eyes.
"They're freaking awesome, buddy! You did such a good job!" Chris answered back, putting the entire thing in his mouth.
"These are the best ones I've ever had!" Fox added, making Noah blush.
Noah looked at me with his gorgeous eyes and all I could see in them was pure happiness. He was elated with the guys reactions.
"Come on sweetheart, let's go eat your food before it's cold."
Noah gasped as if he forgot he even had food for himself, then skipped back to the kitchen.
I sat him down on the counter and we enjoyed our meal together.
The rest of the evening we all got together in the living room and watched a movie, then when Noah was feeling tired I helped him have a bath and tucked him into bed.
"Papacha?" Noah muttered tiredly.
"Yes?"
"You sleep in bed with me please?"
"I just have to change, baby boy. I'll be right there."
I went over to the dresser and brought some clothes with me to the bathroom. I quickly changed and joined Noah in bed.
He cuddled up close to me and I placed a protective arm around him.
"Good night my beautiful boy."