And here comes Monday. Is there any more terrifying phrase than that? I spent pretty much the entire weekend with my laptop and Sky. I am not thinking, just eating and remembering unpleasant moments. Do you want to quiet your mind? Eat, and if it is chocolate, better. Follow me for more tips.
I am on my way to the office; the weather is cold, but I like the feeling. I try to enjoy the little details on the way and listen to Sara Bareilles's Brave in my headphones, just one ear and the other free to keep alert to my surroundings. Trying to raise my spirits, find the courage I lack, and be able to work with less disdain. Finding the motivation to go to work is hard. Despite my reluctance, I cannot afford to stay home. It is not just the money; my mind would torment me if I did not occupy it with something.
Let us look at the bright side. Alan will not be here today; there is no corporate event, just a regular day. So, I Skip any uncomfortable situations or attempt to engage with him.
I get to the office and go to make coffee. Most of my co-workers have not arrived. I grab my bag and walk to the bathroom. I enter the cubicle and hear the door. Right away, I recognize Estefany's voice talking to someone. I can't hear the other person enough to identify her.
—Do you see a further explanation? How is someone like him going to show any interest in talking to someone like her? — says Estefany.
The other voice answers: — I do not know, work things, coordination of future activities.
To which Estefany replies; — nothing to do with it. He would communicate it to a superior and then another to her.
The other person says, but it is hard for me to listen because they turn on the tap.: — I do not think they were talking outside of work issues. What can they have in common?
Estefany replies; — absolutely nothing! He would not even see her twice. It was pure politicking, giving the illusion of a labor union and teamwork.
I now recognize the other voice as Kimberly of course, she says — I do not know, but he talked to her for a while...
I do not hear anymore because she opened the bathroom door.
Leaving the cubicle, I go straight to the sink, noticing the little flecks of makeup, touching it up to be perfect all day. Is that what I lack? The« plus» of makeup, hairdressing, nails, etc. I think in reflection mode.
I am not upset by what they said. Analyzing and trying to find the logic, I believe appearance and personality define that success. I look at them and see beauty and self-confidence. People who exhibit respect are more likely to receive it in their interactions and opportunities. That is why men like Alan pay attention to women like Estefany. Power calls power.
For lunch, I prefer going to the dining room 15-20 minutes before it closes. It is calmer, and I enjoy eating without the hustle and bustle around me. I bought a book today: ghostgirl. I have wanted to start this for a while now. Just when I was about to take my first bite of the sandwich, I noticed the sound of the chair beside me.
It is Estefany with a calm smile but calculating eyes. I wait for her to speak, not knowing what to say. She has never sat in the dining room with me. Does she need anything? Can't she wait for me to be at the desk? While lunchtime is valued, she disregards my importance.
She opens her mouth and tells me casually, —«Ghostgirl? » I have not heard of that book—. She did not come here to ask that.
I still could not figure out why she sat down. I respond with a simple — okay — and return my focus to my plate.
It is disturbing that she is next to me. When is she going to leave? I do not want to confront her. Feeling her deep breath in frustration, I look up.
— Would you like a coffee with your lunch? I am going to serve one for myself.— To which I respond in shock. — Okay, thank you.
Pleased with my response, she goes to the coffeemaker. I am not drinking that coffee. First, I do not drink coffee. Second, I do not know what she could put in it on the way, but how to refuse her request? This makes no sense.
As soon as she sits down, she places a cup in front of me and tells me: — It was fun last night. The team celebrating our achievements and letting go of the tension of the past months.
To which I can only reply — I did not stay long, but it was clear that you were enjoying yourself.
She does not even remember her warm welcome when I sat down at her table.
She quickly adds without sign of remorse — Certainly, I saw you leave at the end of the conversation with Alan—. Her gaze becomes more inquisitive when she says this.
I look towards the back of the room and say; — Yes.
When I do not know what people want from me, I give short answers to see if they will leave me alone. She coughs to mask her despair. What does she want me to say or do? I feel exasperated as well, but I cannot express it like she does.
With her hands on the table, she taps each of her false nails against the surface; the sound is so unpleasant that it makes me clench my teeth.
— Surely, he was giving you the post-meeting instructions. Did you have to come back at the end to pick up or file something? —
She says it with all the contempt she can in each word, a hidden message: because your job is only one step above the one who does the cleaning.
I only say — no. — Because, firstly it is the truth, we don't talk about it, and secondly, I am not sure what she is trying to catch or how it benefits her. Nevertheless, I won't be handing it over to her.
Now her palms hit the table, and she says
—Forgive me for being so blunt, but what else could you and Alan talk about? He is a superior, well-traveled, cultured man with class. You are simply an assistant in the office.
I always say that I do not know what I do to unleash people's anger. Whether I talk too much or stay silent, they always end up getting upset. Her words hurt, but I did not react. If I do, my voice might break, and I don't want to give her that pleasure. Soon she will be gone, and I will block this from my mind too.
With irritation but fixing her hair at the same time because she is always a diva, she says,
—And you agree with me by staying silent. By God, if you cannot look me in the eye and answer a question! How were you going to do it with Alan?
The screeching of the chair against the floor gives me chills, and I'm stunned when she suddenly mumbles — Okay, keep being obtuse — and walks away, leaving only her perfume behind.
Well, what bug bit her? I do not know why it surprises me; many people pay their irritation to me, even though it is not my fault directly.
The story of my life, when someone is not one of my acquaintances, they will only pretend to be nice when they want something from me. They will put on their most false face and pretend to care until they get what they want, and then they will not treat me anymore.
For years, I have been waiting to feel like I belong, but I know she never had good intentions and will not include me in her group. Estefany did not get what she was looking for, and you can ensure that this lunch attempt will not happen again. Does she have any idea how it feels to be someone like me? How does her attempted manipulation feel? I do not think so, and she would not even care to know. I am addicted to acceptance. That people like her want to be close to me momentarily makes me feel good, but I know it is not real.
Spending the day in my mind, in a neutral state and not more affected than Friday, I try to observe the people who work here. How they relate to each other, their posture when speaking, verbal cues, and how they maintain eye contact. I am paying attention to how they handle new or unexpected situations without getting upset and finding solutions. I observe them as characters and I am going to apply the same technique.
Because I will fit in. Estefany gave me an idea. I will become someone that my colleagues enjoy being around, communicating with, and collaborating with.
It is a matter of personality, and I lack one. So, I will create the one that fits this medium. I will not be on her level. But at least I want to create an environment where they are nice to me. Alan even told me that night «You focus on your work, and your world is on that desk. »
I no longer want to be like a dazzled little animal every time I am in an out-of-the-ordinary situation. I am going to see if being less me is the solution. From tomorrow, I will apply this technique. Get ready to see «my » sociable version.