𝗡𝗶𝗸𝗸𝗶 𝗦𝗶𝘅𝘅 ~ 𝗢𝗻𝗲...

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Y/N's POV, 1985

I've never been in a relationship with Nikki, we've never gotten involved like that because when we met two and a half years ago we were both with other people, but I found him attractive off the bat. Who wouldn't seriously?

And since then, things have changed, those relationships we were both in at that time fell through for both of us and after going through a few others after that didn't last either, as of today we were both in happy places in our relationships... well, kinda relationships.

Nikki was unable to really hold a relationship but was happy with that from what I can gather and I had a unofficial relationship with Tommy.

How that happened was Tommy had started flirting with me last year or so and because he was lovable and I liked him, I flirted back. He wanted to be with me but I was always hesitant to go out with him because of my bassist problem, then finally in recent months we've gone on some dates but nothing's official yet and because Tom is a romantic he'll definitely make it official in a pretty forward manor, I was waiting for that, but my feelings for Nikki always lingered.

I didn't know if he liked me back, never had but we had slept with together, well, slept together was a loose term, we'd had sex. Close to a dozen times spread over the last eighteen months, it always happened at parties or environments with drugs and alcohol, when I had a few drinks I lost care for sense and gave into my desires for Nikki and when he was high and drunk he somehow then took an interest in me.

I can't say why I let him, I'm just making everything harder for myself but I adore how I feel when I'm with him. After that first time we had sex, after a lot of drunk convincing that is, I could never say no when he approached me at these parties. We never spoke about what happened, we just did what we did and left then went back to being friends, though are we just friends given what transpires between us? I wasn't sure but it couldn't exactly be labelled as anything either. We're in a type of limbo I guess.

Tonight was a party, a party for the guys' most recent album 'Theatre Of Pain', so there will be alcohol, there will be drugs and I knew Nikki and I would no doubt continue our habit.

Tommy was obviously my date for this party, and I was happy about that, I loved Tommy, and he was a very very attractive guy, someone I got on with, one of my closest friends but as much as I hated to say it, he was just filling a Nikki shaped gap. He almost fit but not quite.

I hate having these desires for Nikki because Tommy thought we had something real and we do but only in the realm of friendship, I knew I was using Tom to an extent but I couldn't tell him the truth anymore than I could resist Nikki when he grabbed me and pulled me into some room and had his way with me.

Arriving at the party was all well and good, Tommy and I socialised and spoke to an array of people, ranging from other rockstars to record label executives, drinking a few drinks while we conversed and we actually went a while without seeing anyone from the band until we ran into Mick and Vince, then of course eventually after an hour or so Nikki came into my field of vision.

When I saw Nikki, he saw me at the same time we looked at each other then looked at who each of us was here with, Nikki with some blonde girl and me with Tommy.

We both tried to play off the fact we were bothered by each other's choice of company until we both find a chance to talk, Nikki loses his date and I saw him at the far side of the room, so dismiss myself from Tommy who was too engrossed chatting with Vince to ask why and go towards the bassist, who watched me approach, having not taken his eyes off me since we first found each other in the crowd.

I came up beside the bassist and muttered "Hey."

Nikki nodded in recognition of my greeting "Hey... you having a good time?"

"Yeah, been talking mostly to record execs and that's as fun as a stubbed toe."

He hums, clearing his throat after "So, you're here with Tommy?"

"Yep."

"You two a thing then?" He says almost accusingly "Been wondering for a little while."

"Casually, waiting for him to make it something a little more permanent. What about you? Who's your girl?"

"Nobody." He dismissed "Some friend of Robbin's who took an interest in me, thought I'd invite her along. Why are you waiting for Tommy to make you guys official?"

"Why not?" I put back to him "He's the closest thing I've had to a boyfriend in a long time."

"Sure he is." The bassist snarked.

"What the hell's up with you?" I huff "You're kinda starting to be an asshole."

"Nothing... I'm just saying sure he is. There doesn't have to be a double meaning to everything I say." He tells me, clearing not telling me the truth but gave me no more time to really think about it. He has something else in mind and it didn't take a rocket scientist to know what "Meet me in the restroom, five minutes."

"Nikki-" I began but he cut me off.

"Five minutes."

The man then walked away leaving me stood here, to think. I could stand him up, I could do that but I won't... I should, but I won't. I can't bring myself to refuse him, damn you Nikki.

I move and keep myself in the corner of the room, to pass the five minutes, and when I thought five minutes had passed, made my way to the restrooms where Nikki would be waiting.

Once outside the selection of three different doors, I knocked on the closed one, presuming that where Nikki was, and I was right because he opened the door allowing me inside with a smirk on his face "Fancy seeing you here."

"I know, funny isn't it." Was what I replied with, my tone lacking the right amount of playfulness it should have had because I hated myself for being here, for giving in. Why couldn't I just walk away?

"You okay?" He asked, picking up on my tone of voice, shutting and re-locking the door behind him.

I put on the best smile I could muster and nod "I'm fine, let's just do this and get back out there otherwise someone's gonna come looking for us."

He wanted to press the situation, I saw the look in his eyes and his jaw clench and unclench repeatedly, showing he was holding back saying something, stepping forward towards me instead backing me against the sink, and I sat up on the counter knowing how this went.

Nikki wasted no time in getting down to why we're here, there wasn't any prior discussion, we just did what we came here to do, tonight wasn't going to be an exception, and it wasn't.

The bassist stripped me of my clothes, and I stripped him of his, trying to focus on the now and not use my brain too much or think about how much I'm going through to regret this as soon as it's over.

My hands worked their way into Nikki's hair after we were both naked and his lips were over mine, working me up for him and when he finally got inside me Nikki fucked me like he always does when this happens, it was hot, passionate, even sometimes loving but afterwards it was always the same. We just went back to being friends and I had to pretend like this never happened, it might be easier for Nikki but it wasn't at all for me.

I both loved and hated this because I'd call us friends with benefits, yet this wasn't an arrangement, not an intentional one, it just occurred whenever neither of us were fully in our right minds.

I like to think maybe there's something there... maybe... because why sleep with me? Why come onto me and start this if he doesn't find me attractive? Why risk ruining our friendship over fucking me for no reason?

Perhaps I was a fool, maybe he just saw me as an easy thing to screw, but he was here with someone tonight, someone who would have no problem giving him anything he asked for... so why choose me when he already had someone to fuck?

It didn't make sense. And that scared the shit out of me because I was falling in love with Nikki hard even if I tried kidding myself otherwise, trying to date Tommy to try and catch feelings for someone else, but no, I was falling for Nikki and for all I knew, he was using me for one reason or another.

However, being this close to him, feeling his body this close to mine, feeling the things only he can make me feel, how could I stop? Why would I? But I knew the answer, that was fairly clear by now. I knew yet I didn't do anything about it.

But I should, this will just break me in the end. It'll keep breaking me until there will be nothing left.

Once we were done, we redressed each other once we came back down to earth and Nikki kissed me as he did so, trailing his lips over my own, over my collarbone and then back up my neck, and this was where couldn't help but ask some questions.

"Remember what we said to each other the first time this happened?" I began, recoiling as the words left my mouth. This might not be the best ground to tread but I've got to see what Nikki says.

"Remind me." The raven haired man replied, he knew what we said, he just wanted me to say it. So I will.

"We told each other we'd go back to being friends... that it'd never happen again. So, how'd we get here? Whatever happened to just being friends?" I breathe as Nikki continues to kiss my neck.

"We can't ever be 'just' friends." He mutters back "That should be clear by now... we always end up here after a few drinks, shouldn't surprise you anymore. It's just a fact of life."

"But why? Why does this happen?"

"Do we need to answer that? Can't we just enjoy it, looking into why will ruin it. We just do this, it just happens, can't that be enough?"

"Not forever, because we're both here with other people yet we still did this. This can't carry on, it's not right. Tommy loves me and doing this to him isn't right."

"Yet he's doing it to you." Nikki comments, like it was nothing.

"What?"

"You might not be official but he still fucks other girls and that wouldn't just magically stop because he made you his girlfriend."

"You don't know that, you can't comment on it, it's not like you're innocent either."

"That's not my point. I love Tommy but he isn't right for you... this right here, right now is what's right because we're not doing any harm by doing what were doing. It's sex between friends, so we should make this a proper arrangement, it's less messy than a relationship."

"You-... you want me to be your fuck buddie? That's what you're asking right now?" I asked taken aback at the road this conversation was going down, it wasn't where I wanted it to go because now I'm feeling stupid for feeling surprised that he'd just confirmed that this is all this was to him. Sex. Easy, mess free sex.

But it wasn't mess free, not on my end anyways.

"Don't sound so disgusted. It's not that big of a deal... we're technically there already."

I scoffed, offended. I knew he meant nothing by the comment, he didn't mean to hurt me with this but he was and I couldn't pretend like it didn't, even if I wanted too.

As soon as those words left his mouth, I pushed him off me, rather violently, shoving him so hard he stumbled backwards a couple of feet, making him furrow his eyebrows looking at me with a deeply confused look and that only intensified when I spat "No. Fuck you, Nikki. Fuck you. I'm going for a cigarette and don't you dare follow me."

I then slide myself off the sink and walk out the restroom, feeling a little bit sick from how stupid I've been. Sure, I knew Nikki didn't feel the same way but hearing it confirmed still hurts, still makes me want to just curl up into a ball and wither away. It's easier than facing the fact what Nikki said, unknowingly is on him, broke my heart.

Nikki was almost like a demon, filled with temptation, tying my up in his web and keeping me there, unable to escape no matter how hard I tried. I was lying to Tommy, something I'd never have done to anyone until I met Nikki and started doing whatever the fuck I'm doing now.

I shouldn't have ever led Tommy on, never should've pretended like I was in love with him like he was with me, this is making everything messier. Nikki was right, Tommy still slept around and that wouldn't just stop if he got together, he'd cheat on me but Nikki probably would too so it wasn't any better, yet my feelings for Nikki made it so I almost didn't care about what he did with anyone else as long as he was still doing things with me.

Nikki fucked me up, maybe I was better just ending it with Tommy and then forcing Nikki away from me, still being friends with him but just settling clear boundaries, and letting my feelings either fester forever or slowly fade away.

My feet carried me through the party, avoiding Tommy, Mick or Vince seeing me, getting outside the building and leaning against the nearest wall, pulling open my purse and taking out a cigarette and a lighter.

I didn't smoke all that much, it wasn't a habit, they were more just for Tommy given he's prone to leaving or losing things but on rare occasion I'll take one for myself and tonight warranted that.

I put the lighter to the cigarette between my lips, dropping it back into my purse once I'd made use of it, focusing fully then on smoking the damn cigarette. Internally cursing myself for putting myself in this mess. I'm no better for Tommy or Nikki for lying, I'll come clean to T, I have no choice because it'll eat me alive... not sure if I'll tell him about Nikki and I though, I'm not sure it's worth the possible fall out that could create, if any.

Just as my mind was clearing and I was getting my thoughts together, I hear someone approaching and I saw out of my peripheral vision the familiar sight of a bassist. Fuck.

"I told you not to follow me, don't you ever fucking listen to anyone?" I grumbled, taking another drag of the cigarette, which was a most burnt down by now as I'd been bumming it so hard.

The man stood infront and just to the side of me, shoving his hands into his jacket pockets and shifted from one foot to the other, nervously "I'm sorry." Nikki spoke unsure "I'm not sure what I'm apologising for exactly but I'm sorry."

"Apology not accepted." I murmur under my breath, taking a final drag on my cigarette before dropping it to the floor, hearing Nikki sigh softly.

"Is this to do with what I said?"

"At least you can work that out."

He left a pause after my reply before continuing "I-... I know what we do only happens when we're under the influence of something, so if you want it to just stay as it is or want it to stop all together, that can happen. I don't want you to be weird with me... forget I said what I said if that's what's upsetting you."

"It's-... it's not... well it is... but it's not what you think. It's not important... not really. But yes, we should stop it altogether, this isn't good for either of us. Whatever it is, it isn't healthy."

The silence Nikki gave me was deafening, so deafening it confused me, I looked at him and he was looking at the floor "If that's what you want then that's what we'll do."

"I don't mean it horribly, but it is unhealthy. I can't do it anymore, it's not personal Nikki, it's just not good for me." My voice was quiet but had conviction, and I was rather proud of myself but still didn't have all the answers I wanted.

"I get it... don't worry about it. I'll-... I'll just go." Nikki spoke only loud enough for me to hear, while he backed up a pace or so and started to walk away.

"Do you feel anything?" I wondered to him quickly as soon as Nikki began to leave, making him stop abruptly and face me again, meeting my eyes.

"Do I feel anything, when?"

"When we have sex... cause you keep coming back to me, we might be under the influence of things but we're not off our faces, we never have been. Why keep coming back to me if you have no reason too? We have other people to screw around with, so why do we still fuck each other? Answer me Nikki because I need to know."

Nik turned back to me and looks at me "Because we've never been just friends."

The words repeated back to me made my breath hitch in my throat, my eyes searched his face, allowing a smile to pull at my lips when I see how serious he was but also scared to hear my reply.

"No... we haven't." I murmur "And I doubt after this conversation we will be friends of any kind."

A confused look washed over Nikki's face "Do you mean that like we'll never talk again or... or the other way...?"

"The other way, dumb dumb. May as well... if that's what something you want? Because it's something I've wanted since meeting you."

"The alcohol and drugs gave me the confidence to make moves on you... sober me was too much of a pussy. I want it too. You're gonna need to have one hell of a conversation with Tommy."

"I know I do. I will... I'll do it tomorrow, then we can see how to navigate whatever the hell we are or can be. I just hope we can be something if we can't be friends."

"I'm sure we can figure it out."

"I'm sure too." I nod "You better disappear, it's your party... I believe Vince was looking for you before I came over to you. You might wanna find him."

"Thanks, I will. You coming back? Not gonna bail on us are you?"

I laughed "If I did you'd drag me back anyways, I'm staying until the end. Promise."

"This is true... I'll see you in a bit then."

"See you."

Nikki went back inside and I let out a breath when I was alone. So I wasn't crazy then, Nikki did sleep with me for a reason and thank fuck it was the reason I wanted it to be. I had my answer now.

It made things simultaneously easier and harder, I'd have a conversation with Tommy tomorrow and I hoped he took it well, but I don't think he had a right to be angry at me, we're not together and he still screws groupies, we're in the same boat, only difference is he's in love with me, I think I know him well enough to believe he'll understand what I'm saying.

Whatever the outcome though, at the end of it I had my chance with Nikki, and that's what I always wanted, simply a chance, now I can take it and I will.

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