(Dedicated to Shakeria1994)
Ashlee
Leave me alone is all she stressing.
"A.J.-", I stop myself, wondering if it even matters. I knew that sh*t in my fu*king head, I should be teaching right now, anything other than this! I'm a dumb b*tch a** n*gga for this sh*t, I should have kept that well needed distance between us!
I just had to be selfish, thinking about my own needs. But isn't love selfish?
A person will neglect everything to have the one they love, whether they are aware of it or not. I wasn't ready for it, at all. I don't want to feel like this, then again who is really ready for something so life altering to come through and just make every single thing more intricate?
I use to think that sh*t was weak as f*ck, until it knocked my a** out. The act of falling is sort of like a unwanted little obsession for me, but the more I fight against it, the stronger it gets. I know men, who claim that they are ready for that type of commitment and they get the woman they claim that they love and f*ck it the hell up with lying and cheating. I'm going to be a man about mine, I don't care if I am twenty-four years old I'm not ready for all that sh*t. I don't try to hide that fact either. B*tches I f*ck with f*ck with other b*tches and that's what I like.
Contrary to most females and some men beliefs, a good woman can't change man, because if he isn't ready to change he won't. Not even the best p*ssy in the world can change a man, because there is always a tighter, wetter one somewhere else. We get intense bloodhound senses to sniff out that good sh*t!
Love can't exist in that, that's why I like it.
My friend of seven years Matthew, recently got married to his best friend and high school sweetheart Aiden. They way he talks about his husband is truly amazing. I've talked to him about April on a few occasions and he tells me the same thing ever time, "When are you going to make your move and most importantly when will we meet her?"
I just laugh them off, but honestly that's the one thing I can't actually do. I'd be fooling myself if I wasn't craving her love, but it's not what I want.
Sh*t, slipped out of hand quicker than I could grasp it. I just had to force my f*cking presence back in her life. She wasn't ready and neither was I.
We did sh*t on f*cking impulse, not giving da*n about thinking before acting. I've been on one continual impulse since my a** got here - to make things right between us. It never occurred to my dumba** that maybe, although we have been apart for a year that a different type of distance is possibly needed for us to come back together.
The closer we are the more we drown, the more we fight, and the more we hate. The simplest solution would be stay away from one another. I don't know about her, but when I'm away from her it hurts like a hell. So when I say, I don't want to be here, I don't, but I'm not going anywhere though.
It's killing me, but this is the most alive I've felt in a long time.
Hearing her scream with such pain, pulled at my heart. I was compelled to hold her and it came as natural as breathing. There was a fragility and strength in her, struggling to get out. She was trying to say something other than the words she was using. It was in the anger, frustration, and sadness that oozed from her being, I felt that sh*t in my veins. Even though everything seemed to be going in slow motion, in my body everything was racing, especially my heart.
I can't stand to see her like this and don't want to move.
"Hmmm.....mhhhh...mmmhh...mmmh...hhhhhhmmmm..mmmhh...."
*********
April
"Hmmm.....mhhhh...mmmhh...mmmh...hhhhhhmmmm..mmmhh....", I moan from the pain of hearing him speak. Just leave me alone.
I can feel his arm grip loosening off of my stomach, and I hoarsely exhale, feeling like I've been holding my breath this entire time. I shake, as his loosening grip, slowly lets go of me until he is no longer touching me. As I look to see his legs still around my legs, he slowly draws up his left leg on the floor.
He doesn't want to leave.
I can hear the springs of my bed pop, as Fitz strains himself getting on the bed, finally I am completely on the floor alone. I still can't stop shaking, but that's okay. Slowly, my skin stops burning and can breathe, letting me have some relief. The headache, I guess has to subside on its own, but it's okay too. He isn't touching me anymore but the most important thing is that he listened. He listened. He listened to me. I didn't think he would.
********
Ashlee
I look at my watch, checking the time to see if we still have a chance of getting out of this house. She needs fresh air.
4:30 pm...
Man, I should just go, but I can't. Da*n! I inhale one more breath and brace myself for leaving her in this room. I have to just get up, but I can't.
"Yes, yes A.J., I mean April. I know you want to me leave and be alone, but what else do you want?", I say as I squatted in front of her, breaking her stare with the wall. "What else do you need?"
*******
April
"Yes, yes A.J., I mean April. I know you want to me leave and be alone, but what else do you want?", he said as he squatted in front of me, breaking my stare with the wall. "What else do you need?"
I was now staring at him, all I see is the tip of his goatee, a neck full of tattoos, a dirty white sleeveless shirt and a pair of green, black, and khaki camouflage shorts. I feel the heat radiating from his body. I become lost in the red marks that are on his shirt, as I stare deeper and harder trying to focus on those smears. I couldn't help but wonder how they got there. His shirt was definitely white when he barged in here, I think.
There are crimson red smears smudged on his shirt.
I can feel my chest immediately start to heave up and down, as I feel the warmth of his hand radiate on the side of my face. Why does he have to do that? His touch is so light, yet so cunning that this lightness is also his strength. Fitz is the type of person that when he hugs you, you can't help but hug him back a little tighter. I want to snatch away, but his touch sucks up every bit of power I seem to have.
I stay focused on the crimson stain.
He exhaled slightly, feeling his breath near my hairline makes me cold. I inhaled a shaky breath and found just enough strength to close my eyes. Thank God. He is so close to me and I'm not jumpy anymore and that scares me. What is going on in my head that makes this okay?
Feeling his heartbeat through his thumb as it rests on my cheek, I bent my head into his hand as I often did in the past. The problem is this wasn't the past anymore, it is the present and uhhmm...yeah wow.
"I didn't know you had on lipstick." He sounded, as if he is smiling. I can see his face in my mind with Mama Ann's smile. From his pink lips down to his chin was nothing but Mama and it's beautiful, always was. His top lip almost disappears when he smiles, accompanied with two little creases in the corners of his mouth. "I've never seen you in lipstick.", he mumbled as I feel his thumb brush slightly against the corner of my lips. I breathe in, hoping to take away the sting of honesty in his voice and demeanor. "Purple is your color. Beautiful."
As I hear the word 'beautiful' coming from Fitz's mouth, instantly my brain takes me for a left turn and instead of feeling flattered or even accept the compliment, a thought bursts into my head.
Men are visual creatures and what pleases them to their eye are the things they desire. Beautiful wasn't something I wanted to be called in hindsight. I thought just hours ago, that looking pretty was what I needed to make myself appear more normal for other people then I would be a little bit more normal looking for myself. I feel the same, I only look different.
"A.J. you're", he spoke slowly in a throaty voice, "in a hell of a lot of pain, Baby. I feel that sh*t hard."
I hear him say and it echos in my head. He is right. My pain is an understatement. In the darkness, this darkness was different. I feel free, by free I mean liberated. My emotions change so fast sometimes that I am sometimes unsure of what I'm feeling or how I should feel. But liberation is good I think, so now it is. Even if it was only for a moment, I feel liberated enough to say something, without anger, and right now that's big for me, but I'm unsure of it being good for me.
"You... ", I started to sign but an immediate sharp pain in my fingers stop me. This has never happened before to my hand. 7, 8, 9, 10. I counted to myself, as the pain left as quickly as it came. I decided to try again. "You.." The same pain surged through my hand again, maybe I should just not even try. Just say it, April.
"Why did you stop? Are you o.k.?", he asked worriedly. "Should I call an ambulance or Reg or something?"
I shook my head. It wasn't necessary. "Me.", I signed expecting to feel some sort of discomfort. Oddly my hand feels fine. "You. Me. You. Me." I practice, checking for any more pain. I probably looking crazy as ever as I started running through the alphabet, but who cares.
"A B C D E F G H I J-"
"A.J. what are you doing? Why are you doing the alphabet?", he questioned me and his eyebrows were probably forrowed low with his mouth slightly poked out.
"U V W X Y Z.", I sign once then twice again, and still I had no pain in my fingers.
"I'm just going to play with your face..", he started to laugh, because he knows it aggravates me. "...until you finish that sentence. I know how much you hate this, but I'll do it anyway."
I don't get it. I'm signing now and I feel fine. Maybe it was a cramp or something.
"You", I exhaled as I try to say "hurt", but he is lightly tracing my eyebrows with one of his fingers. "Stop Fitzgerald!", I signed as I pushed him in what felt like his chest. I heard that lazy laugh of his.
"Alright, alright", he continued to laugh, "I'll stop before you hurt me."
"Yeah, what you said. You -", I signed again, feeling very strange about what was happening to my hand. It was fine for now, but when I try to say 'hurt' the same pain returns. I knew Fitz was looking completely confused by now.
"You what? I what?"
Why can't I say 'hurt'??
When I'm mad I have no problem expressing what I'm feeling, I'm drunk, in a way. I have terrible tunnel vision and I don't see the consequences of my actions. In my anger, I forget things that my mind obsesses over and I yell nothing but what's on my mind, disregarding everyone. But when I'm sober, speaking calmly without anger, I can't sort out things in my head properly anymore. I don't have that extra fuel that I use to when I feel like I have to defend myself with my words and I think, in my mind, that for me to share my opinion or point of view raises my anxiety until it manifest itself into some type of pain. Crazy.
"Baby, open your-"
Just say it!!
"You h-u-r-t me and you are h-u-r-t-i-n-g me now... I never would have h-u-r-t you.", I signed, as I felt a lump form in my throat. "Never could I....how could you?" I swallowed hard as his thumb stroked the ball of my cheek.
I didn't expect him to say nothing, but I was hoping he'd run from my question and take this opportunity to say something sarcastic. I'd rather be mad right now than telling truths. Had I let myself down by being this candid with him?
"I'm not sure, A.J. I didn't want to hurt you, you know that."
Well what did you want to do? Everyone's best friend of nineteen to twenty years just drops them in matter of minutes. But if the Jays were on the other foot, he'd understand.
" You're not sure? You didn't want to h-u-r-t me? That's funny. You treated me like I wasn't nothing and if I lived or died it wouldn't matter to you."
I almost did die.
The weight was heavy in my chest but I felt I needed to say more. My chest heaved up and down, as I start to shut off my brain. I didn't want to think I wanted to speak without thinking. I wanted to use the raw emotions I had coursing through my veins to speak right now, in this moment. I don't know. I just have something to say to him. The urge was getting stronger and although parts me wanted to remain silent other parts wanted to scream and be heard.
"I was wrong for handling things that way. I regret it, A.J., but you have to know I've always cared about you. Whether I was with you or miles away, you never really left my mind. I don't want you feeling like I neglected you, it seems like I did but trust me it's more to the story."
Trust you? Are you kidding? So I was an afterthought to everything, because if he thought of me he wouldn't have never been such a jerk.
"You did neglect me, Fitzgerald. You left me.", I signed feeling my wrist getting weak. Even though my eyes were closed I could feel them begin to well up as he said, "Oh I didn't neglect you." It really pisses me off, but it wasn't that rage like anger like before. It was the type of anger I hate the most, the one that causing a person to cry, because one is so hurt or pained by a situation. I felt so naked and cold that I start to tremble. "I ...needed... you..." I started to sob silently as tears came from my closed eyes. "I...needed...you."
As much as I hated to tell him I needed him, it was the truth. I needed my best friend more that ever. I needed him. Needing someone is not easy to accept for me. In order to need someone, that person has to mean something to you. They are important in your life. They are or were suppose to play an important role in your life. They become family, some blood some not, but still family.
Now needing people is hard, because your heart gets all tangled up in what they do. You open yourself up to so much potential heart break, but with Fitz I never had to open up really. He was always there. It's like how we breathe. The air is always there. People don't think about breathing, we just do it involuntarily. That's how Fitz was for me. I didn't think about loving him or caring about him as much as I did, it just happened. We grew together like we breathed together.
One breath at a time.
One moment at a time.
"Where were you when I needed you? Where were you, Fitz? All that mouth you have can you please answer that." My eyes remains shut, it was like I couldn't open them even if I wanted to. I feel like I'm begging him to answer this. In a way, my soul is. I hate asking questions and waiting for answers that I have no control over.
"I had other things to do. I had to look after myself for one second. That's just life. I'm sure you had whatever it was under control."
The f*ck?
"No. You left because you loved me and I loved you, but if you would've put your feeling aside and really saw that I didn't need a boyfriend I needed a friend. That letter you sent back, I needed a friend.", I signed quickly, as my nose starts to tingle. I needed him. "I needed Ashlee."
"You needed, you needed, it was always about what you need. A.J. I needed things that you couldn't give me. So I left, we know."
I nodded my head as I heard such selfish words come from his mouth. This wasn't the Ashlee I knew, somewhere he had grown cold. The thing was somewhere I had grown the same. The ice between us were a burning type cold that steamed from our hearts as hot fire, but the nearer the surface the colder we got. I'm a mess and I needed him to see that. I'm admitting that to him because I'm tired. I'm tired of this darkness that sits on me all the time. I'm tired of this weight of everything hanging from my neck, trying to break my back. I'm tired of trying to keep it together and pretending that I'm alright. I'm not. I'm tired of crying and feeling like I am sh*t. I'm tired of being numb and cold. I want to feel. I'm tired of being me. In a nut shell, I'm tired of being April Reagan James. I can not add anymore stress to my plate. If he wants to act like that, he can and that is his problem, not mine. I'm done fighting with him.
'It's just life?' Yep, Fitzgerald it's just my life. Ridiculous. "Leave, stay, do whatever you want", I signed quickly, not caring if he understood or not. I'm too tired. "I'm going to bed."
I opened my eyes and try to get up by sliding myself back as close as possible to the bed and using my arms to sort of lift myself onto the bed. I've done it before, but not with people looking.
"A.J. let me-"
I shot him a look, because I don't want to hear his voice, he has said enough. His eyes mirrored my own I could feel that, as tears dropped from his eyes and mine at the same time. We peered into each others soul in that second and there was a sea of sadness between the two of us. I hate to see him hurt, because it hurts me. I had so much love for him that goes beyond friendship and romance. To see him cry is agonizing. In the twenty years of knowing him, I've never seen him cry, even when Mama Ann was sick or when his father and him would fight. Ashlee never cried, he just honestly got high and slept around with a lot of girls. That was his grief tell tell signs.
He was visibly shaking his eyes never left mine and I couldn't leave him if I wanted to. Those emerald eyes that I loved so much had so much hurt in them. They looked how I felt, very empty. Using his hands, he wipes his face as he inhaled through his congested nose.
Ashlee bit his bottom lip and nodded his head. "Ok.", he said as he stared at me. I knew he wanted to stay, but I had to worry about me, like he did, not anybody else. It's what I needed to happen.
He walked to the door and closed it behind him.
"Thank You.", I signed to my lost sanity. I am relieved to be alone.
Zmmmmmmmmp!! Zmmmmmmmp!!
My phone vibrated on the floor and I looked to see the same number that had been calling many times before. I'm not talking to anyone. I need to clean this room and bathe this filth off of me.
*********
Ashlee
"That went well.", I say as I finally leave her room, closing the door behind me. I try to make another step but I can't. My f*cking mouth says things that it shouldn't at the wrong time. She just put me on the spot with all she was saying. That pisses me off, because what the hell was I suppose to do.
Can't just leave her sitting like that.
I opened her door just a crack. I didn't want to invade her privacy further, but got to do what I have to do. "Baby, you right. I loved you, still do, but all that irrelevant right now. I just want you better. I want you happy and I don't like seeing you like this. When you ready I'm here, if you want me to be. Get some rest, because we aren't going anywhere today I don't think. And I'm sorry.", I said to the back of her head as I closed the door, leaving my words with her. That's my girl and sh*t that's just the f*cking truth.
I walk down the red colored hall, stopping every now and again to see pictures of April and Cam smiling as kids. They were really happy. I smile at that myself. As I make my way down the hall, I see the space where her and my picture use to be.
That picture was taken at the beach, back in 2010. Fireworks and bonfires with loads of friends and family were there. A.J. had her hair bone straight, wearing one of my fitted caps with a cut off blue jean vest with a pair of flower Bermuda shorts. She was wearing a pair of flip flops that I argued her own not to wear.
We had so much fun that day. Earlier that morning, we went deep sea fishing with Cam and Reg on the Gloria, Reg's boat. It was only fitting to end it at the beach that day. A.J. was snapping pictures all day, trying to get the best shot and when she took that one of us, she said she knew that was the picture.
Enough of this., I think as I carefully walk to the bottom of the stairs, I begin to check all the downstairs doors and windows to make sure they are locked. Drawing each curtain as I go, I limped over to the storage cabinet to get some gauze, tape and alcohol for my leg.
Zzzzzmmp! zzzzzmmmp!
I put all the things on the island behind me, as I pull my phone out of my pocket, only to see a restricted number. I don't answer restricted numbers. Just when I slide my thumb ending the call, my phone weirdly accepts it. Now, I know I just ended the call, least I thought I did, I know I'm not that tried, maybe I am.
"Hel-"
"Give the da*n phone to Princess.", the voice says.
"Cam, is that you? Man, call her on her phone, because I can't right now.", I tell him, if it's indeed him. Instead of cursing or threats from him, I heard nothing but silence.
*********
Cameron
"Cam, is that you? Man, call her on her phone, because I can't right now.", he says to me.
If only it was that simple, this b*tch talking sh*t he knows he can't back up! "Lil'- Look Ashlee I need you to let me talk to her or hear her voice. Facetime me or something. Man, can you just hand her the phone?"
I'm in a bad way today, I'm trying to stay out of trouble. A n*gga isn't begging, but if I have to I will. I need to talk to my sister. "Please.", I ask to this b*tch. No fussing, Cam... "Hell, go give her the phone!"
"I am sh*t, hold on. You going on Facetime.", he groaned, cursing loudly under his breath. "Sh*t... A.J. can you please come here?! She probably sleep."
"If she is, wake her up. I need to see her."
"Okay, this may take second to get up these stairs. The day has been eventful, man. I do think rain may be coming soon. I'm getting there man I will, you must be-"
What the f*ck is he trying to do? We are not good, I will still hang his b*tch a** in the arch of his parent's front door or gut him like a fish and let him feel his own blood drain, keeping him just alive enough to feel every single time I dig and twist in that knife in his disloyal dumba**. The possibilities are endless!
"Just give the phone to her. No need to talk man.", I try my best not yell, because after yesterday I can't focus for sh*t. My chest has been hurting like hell and I know she is too, especially recently. We could never hide our pain from each other. Right now I know she needs to see me whether she wants to or not. "You up them d*mn stairs yet?", I exhaled, rolling my eyes.
"Almost, man almost."
My god. This b*tch here walks slower than a da*n motherf*cker!
"Maybe you should take the ramp or some sh*t."
"Maybe you should shut the f*ck up, until I get up these da*n stairs. Hell, just shut up man!", he yelled at me, while I put the phone on my bed and try not to retaliate. I stare between the gray bars into the lit hallway, letting one thought take over any impulse I may have.
For Princess I'll take that. For Princess I'll take that.
*************
Ashlee
"I'll call you back.", I tell Cam as I just hang up. I will be scared later and worry bout the hierarchy tomorrow. I'm da*n tired. I knock on her door. "A.J., I'm coming in." As I walk in, I see April trying to put on her shirt on over her head. The purple head hole barely could fit over her hair. The room is still the same, but I'll clean everything up when she goes to sleep. "Need any help?", I said not waiting for her to respond, I decide to walk over and assist her.
"A.J. someone wants to see you. I know that you don't want anyone here, but just look.", I say as I tap the app, setting everything up for Cam to show up.
"Get out."
"That's not going to work." I look at the phone to make sure everything was ready. "You're on.", I say to Cam.
"Bye Fitz.", she waves at me and wheels closer to the bed.
"Hey, hey, hey, little girl.", Cam's voice comes over the speaker, causing A.J. to slowly turn around, as if the life had drained out of her face. She pleaded with me through her eyes to take the phone away.
"Hang on Cam. I'll leave you two alone." I turn the phone back in my direction. "I'm sure you two have loads of things to catch up on. I'll be waiting down the hall, just knock on the wall. Hold the phone A.J. Take it."
She looks at me as if she's never seen a phone before. She shakes her head 'No'.
"Take it. Come on I have to take a leak, A.J."
She shakes her head again, not giving a f*ck about my full bladder. "Go.", she signed, "Go, get out of my room! I don't feel like talking, goodbye!"
We are not going over this sh*t again!
"Look, your brother is on the phone and wants to talk to you, the least you can do is listen to what he has to say.", I told her as she wheeled away into the bathroom. I should be in a da*n bathroom, because I swear if she don't take the phone, da*n. "A.J. I am not playing with you a**! F*ck -"
******
Cameron
"Lil B*tch! Curve it in man! Don't talk to her like that, EVER!!! Quickest way to catch death, put that on everything!", I threaten him, forgetting about the promise I made to myself to stay calm. I just can't stand hearing anyone talk bad about her or speak to her with disrespect. Same thing as speaking to me like that and nobody speaks to me like that. His a** will get his! "Princess, get the phone.", I blurt out as the next thing I see something dark goes over the lens. I'm not sure what she's trying to do. "Princess..."
She brings the phone back to her face. I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. That little act of kindness puts a smile on my face. "Princess, hey. Can you hear me?"
She shakes her head that she can. I can tell she is not interested in talking to me, but I'm doing what's best for the both of us. I feel that she needs me just as much as I need her. I'm not too sure if I should tell her about the psychologist she's going to get to help her with the PTSD, if she has it. Either way, I think she needs to talk to someone.
"Baby Girl, how have you been?", I smile, as she just stares at me like she doesn't recognize me at all. I know it's been a while, but still. Prince don't be looking like that. "Come ooooonnn grunt at me or smile or something. Your big brother is here and I've missed you. See this smile.", I say pointing to my smiling face. "That's for you. I know you don't want to talk but we are right now, not tomorrow not later, but now."
I look for any response from her at all, she doesn't seem to respond to anything. Her eyes are puffy and has lost their sparkle. She's either upset or tired. Since she won't talk well I guess she will listen. "So, let me start off by saying I know about the car crash and the drinking. Princess, that destructive behavior is not acceptable. You can't just use alcohol to self medicate, because that's what you are - well were - doing and I'm not having it. Yeah, I should have caught that sh-,excuse me, stuff earlier but I was preoccupied, but no more. I'm sorry about that. You will not become a statistic, history will not be repeated in this family. I won't allow you to hurt yourself anymore, I don't care if I have to have Reg be with you 24/7 until the issue is resolved. If that doesn't work, I will personally have to come myself, becoming your constant shadow, because I'm not letting you continue to spiral down like that. I won't allow it. I am not going to bury my sister. April, I will not bury you.", I paused, drinking some water for my now drying throat. I continue to look for any response and I see the same goat stare. Sh*t. "I want you to tell me why. I know this a heavy conversation for us to start out with, but if you would have talked to me months ago we could have gotten this over with. Now tell me how did you get there?"
She only looked down not trying to say a word.
I exhaled, rubbing my hand over my locs. "If you want to get off of the phone, you have to talk to me. If you hang up, I will only continue calling this fool's phone and he will only give it back to you. So to save everyone any trouble, just answer the question truthfully. I'm not going to get mad at you.", I say trying to bargain with her to get her to talk. Something caused this to occur and if she doesn't tell me, I'm sure that lil' b*tch will. Knowing April she's back talking to him, because that's just the type of person she is. She forgives too easily to me, but then again I don't forgive enough.
I can hear a pen click, I think she's writing. Reg has noticed that her personality has changed and I see that. Making progress!!! And Reg say my approach is wrong toward issues in the family. That's why Zoey have him dressed in tutus having tea parties and sh*t. At least she made me the queen, I got a plastic pink crown and a bubble sector. The things we do for kids... Focus Cam.
She held up her tablet, letting me read what she has to say. "It just happened. I'm a lightweight when drinking is concerned. I figured wine was better than liquor or beer. I was just tired."
She's playing me. Not happening.
"Lying to me is not going to make this easier or quicker. ", I tell her, as I see her smile slightly. "The truth, the whole truth."
She immediately agrees and begins to write. I can't help what wonder what she will say now. Will she trust me with the truth or not? She knows she can tell me anything. I'll fix it, make everything right. Let me in, Princess.
She stares at me for a while then she begins to type. It seems like thirty minutes has gone by and keep thinking how I screwed up so bad taking care of her that contributed to this. I tried my dam*edest to give her an easier life than I could've ever imagined at her age. I wasn't all ways around like I should've been, but I kept her safe, well I always thought I kept her safe. D*mn!
Princess clears her throat, knocking out of my downward mental spiral, I see her peering at me with concern on her eyes. "I'm a sucker for those eyes." I try to make light of everything, which didn't quite work. "You ready?"
She only nods and hold up the pad.
"I was thinking about the past and I wanted to forget it. I know I was thinking about Mom, Dad, and Ashlee and how all of them left me and how much pain they caused me. I figured soon you would leave me one day too and that pained me the most. Now you're locked up in a prison for murdering a cop, you can't get out of this one Cam. So in a way, my worse fear has come true."
I reread it repetitively trying to make sense of this explanation. There is some truth there. I hate doubting her but her validity has been flawed through her past actions. I can't trust her, sh*t. She's not ready to know that those f*ckers came to see her. It will only matters worse.
"Princess, look at me. Nothing or no one can take me away from you. We have been riding since forever. You are not alone. Your big brother will make everything right. I'm concerned about you. But to be real, I've noticed little things before the accident. Now don't get mad at me, I did a little investigating with some of the best people in the snooping business, baby. Ain't nothing in these streets I don't know about. So if you have more to tell me, you need to tell me."
*******
April
Ain't nothing in the streets that I don't know about.
He's always said that and I'm not sure if he was saying it to keep me out of trouble or if he was telling the truth.
Maybe he knows, but if he did wouldn't he at least tell me and not torture me with telling him? He doesn't know anything.
I quickly write a response, hoping it will make him drop it. Something tells me that he won't though. "You are wasting your money. There is nothing to tell. I'm not perfect and you shouldn't expect me to be. I made a very costly mistake and I'm sorry for that, but I won't sit here and be treated like a little child. I know I don't act the way I use to or look the same, but I'm still me. I'm still April James, your sister. "
"Oh shut up girl.", he laughs, leaning forward as his locs cover the camera. "It's nothing like that. I'm concerned Princess and I'm going to get to the bottom of this whether you like it or not. The money is already spent. Their findings are going to be sent to me later this week. They said interesting things were found on you. I can pull surveillance videos from every street in this nation, follow your paper trail anywhere it goes, internet activity, phone/text records, even going through trash cans and they are a lot more detailed that I am. So tell me before I find out second hand."
I want to pled with him to just leave it alone and I'll act right. I'll eat better, talk better, even think better. He's going to find out either now or later and the results are going to be the same. He's going to hate me either way, because it's going to break his heart. We can't be broken at the same time. "I already told you."
"We will see... Now enough with the serious stuff. I must say you are more beautiful than I remember. You look good, very good. From what Reg has told me he said you were smaller, but you still look like I remember.", he laughs. "Uhm...sooo what you've up to? I mean I know about the therapies, but what else?"
I looks at him and I smile for the first time at him.
There will be nothing to find out, but if he does so be it.
******
Cameron
She smiled at me. That smile has done a lot for me over the years and it's doing something for me now. I'm happy now, instantly from seeing her smile. Holding up her notebook she begins to write. I will wait patiently for her to finish, like I use to when she younger. It use to be hours for her to write her name and draw a picture, but I never complained. I loved down time with her.
She got so good at drawing that I use to steal art supplies for her. I never told her that, because if I did she would not have used it, but she deserved it though. Back then I stole stupid stuff in some people's eyes like crayon, glitter, coloring books, and scissors, but it wasn't stupid to me or to her. April didn't have all those types of things growing up readily at home, not because Claire and Chanucey couldn't afford it, but because they didn't want to buy it.
I was about ten or eleven stealing from da*n Dollar Tree, trying to make sure she had her school supplies. I want didn't want her stand out from the other kids. Kids can be cruel and I didn't want her to be ridiculed by them, because she didn't have as much as they did. She already didn't have a mother or father like the rest, but she did have me and I was determined to take care of her. I think one of the dumbest and one of the funniest things I've did for her was definitely stealing that da*n big a** tri-fold poster board from Wal-Mart.
I thought going out by the garden section in the back would be easy, since it's just to little elderly greeters back there. So I walk out with a big family and the buzzer went off and they stopped, but I kept walking. I'm almost to the metal gate, I can almost feel the pavement under my feet and then I hear someone behind me calling out, "Sir, excuse me? Can we check your receipt?"
I walked faster and start to run to the parking lot and I looked behind me and this man about 1,001 years old was literally on my da*n hip. I cut a corner, he cut a corner. I bob and weave, he weave and bob. This man was on some sh*t I had never seen before. We are at the edge of Wal-Mart parking lot with the board under my arm, I jump over the fence and I slide down the hill laughing. It was ridiculous, but I had her board so it was worth it!
When I look beside me, there's grandpa sliding right along with me! A n*gga was bout gone! I thought I would flat line from laughing at this man with a brace on his leg chasing me down like that for a poster board. Imagine if I would have stole those stencils, guess they would have probably chased me with butter knives or something! Nothing too drastic. Wal-Mart didn't play back in the day.
That's one of dumbest things I've ever done. But I don't regret it. As I lay in my bed, my mind wondered to try understand how we went from that to this. My sister is a blessings to me, so much so that I can't explain it. She just had a happy spirit that just showed. She had me completely wrapped around her finger, sh*t Reg put me on blast to that along time ago.
"Mmmhm", she clears her throat, getting my attention back to where it should be. She smiles and holds up her pad to the screen and I eagerly read it.
"I should have said this first. Lol..Hey....:)...I don't really know what to say. I should say I miss you and come home soon. So, I miss you, Cameron and hope you will home soon. I'm not sure what prison you're in but I hope it is a nice one. Knowing you, it is a nice one. Cameron Cristian James doesn't get involved in anything that's not nice! Lol!! (: ... I..I am sorry for the pain that I have caused you, because my of recent absence from your life and I forgive yours, so you don't have to apologize. :)... I'm okay. And I love you.:) Question for you, How do you get a cell phone in prison? "
I wag my finger back at forth in the camera. "You always avoiding questions, but to answer your question, because I'm motherblinking Cameron James.", I laughed softly, covering my face up trying not to crack up too loud.
She laughs a little. "You're blinking still crazy.", she scribbles, quickly holding it up for me.
"Blinking right. When I'm out we are having my Gold and Black Ball. You love those, remember, but I will be calling you later because I need to charge this phone. Next time you answering that question too, Prince. Be good and I love you." I wave goodbye to her.
I know things have changed, but I'm not going anywhere.
*********
April
"You too and I love you too.", I write as quickly as possible and wave back at him.
The Gold and Black Ball...I don't think that's a good idea for me.
I have so many bits and pieces of memories of him. It feels like part of my brain has shutdown, the way I recall a lot of things concerning my earlier life. When I was about seven, I remember Cam use to draw me pictures of flowers. I would come home from Fitz's house and talk about Mama Ann's flowers telling him about how pretty they were. He'd listen and draw exactly what I would say. Cam couldn't draw a lick, but to me back then, it was nothing short of a masterpiece.
Or when I was 14, Cam took me to my father-daughter dance. How many brothers actually do that? He stayed with me the entire day. While getting my hair done, he aggravated the stylist to death, because he swore up and down I looked too grown. She had to wash out my hair five times and we were banned from the salon for life. Not for the aggravation, but because Cam saw the kid, that swept up, flirting with me. So he took him outside, it was terrible.
Nevertheless, he went dress shopping with me and was like an old mother hen, checking everything. His main objective was to make sure I looked like a fourteen year old not a twenty-one year old and he told me that.
When everything was said and done, Cam and Mama Ann took so many pictures of me. We had a great time. We even slow danced by Luther Vandross' Dance with My Father Again. That songs always made me sad, because our father wasn't around. I don't know if Chauncey was even still alive then or if he's alive now, but I really missed him that day. Cam being Cam, he sensed that and he made it his mission to make everything better. He pulled me close and kissed the top of my head and told me that it was 'his lost, Princess..his lost.'
My big brother, my sweet big brother, was like a f*cking father to me. He was my father really and I use to love my brother I know I did. I swear I loved him more than anything. I have memories of me loving him. Now those memories I have feels like they belong to someone else. It seems like someone told me their entire life story and I'm mimicking what they say. I use to be able to feel him.
We use to have this connection that was stronger than words could express. It was purest love I've ever known. He made me feel protected and wanted, while teaching me how to be a respectable young woman. I didn't agree with what he did for a living out there on those streets, but when he would close that door coming back home, he was my big brother. He was ready to braid my hair, help with homework, and even cook for us. He made it a point to eat together at the dinner table. He loved family time, if only to just stick his tongue out at me across the table, he'd do silly things like that just to laugh.
Ever loved someone so much that you feel safe, like nothing or no one could hurt you as long as you got that love?
That was me.
He tried his hardest to give me what he never had, a home. My home was wherever he resided. In a cardboard box or in a penthouse, as long as I had him near I knew I'd be fine and the world could hurl whatever it wanted in my direction. I'd be good.
I had confidence and security in that love. I had faith in that love. I wore that love like a badge of honor.
I learned that from him, because he did the same. He did not only teach me through his words, but also through his actions. From every good deed he did I learned and from every bad thing I knew he did I learned from that, as well.
I wore that love like a badge of honor. There was not any man that could measure up to my big brother or replace him in my life. There use to be no substitute for what he gave me. Through everything we've been through and seen in this life together, that connection, that feeling is gone. My love for him wasn't strong enough. It bent and it broke. I feel nothing towards him now and I am ashamed to think it or ever speak it. I can't do a simple thing like feel for the one man that was always there for me.
I am ashamed to the highest degree.
I reduced him to a figment of my diseased imagination. He doesn't seem authentic to me anymore, because I can no longer feel him. I tried to love him through memory, I can't. I tried to bring him into this new life of mine, but I couldn't, because he doesn't belong there. I fought not to lose him in this. Everything got hard so quickly and I couldn't stop it. Lord, knows I never wanted to lose him through this sh*t, but I have...
That phone call just proved everything I already knew. I lost him.
*********
A/N: Hope you enjoy. Excuse any errors.