𝐆𝐮𝐢𝐥𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐚𝐧 𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐲 𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐨𝐧 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡.
There is a matter of balance involved, a fine line between too little and too much.
When there's too little, guilt will show one how to become a more reasonable person. Less rotten. More healthy altogether. To feel empathy for another, to dare to be the trickily-wired being that is human.
But when it goes too far, it crumbles into a black shadow over the shoulders. It becomes a heavy bag one is supposed to put down once they learn whatever it came to teach them.
Then comes regret. And it's there to invite one to view their past through other perspectives than the ones they had at the time. And, although its motive is to better one's emotional intelligence and provide greater maturity, it can also break them down.
Because forgiving is essential to allow for personal growth. To allow the process of becoming a more experienced person. A better person, even.
And, perhaps, that's why Clarke decided to leave.
Because she was unable to forgive herself. She wasn't ready to believe that her decision back at the mountain had been fair — as far as fair goes nowadays. She wasn't ready to move away from that, and leave the events of the past just there; in the past.
Clove had been broken too — back when Clarke decided against entering Camp Jaha after returning from Mount Weather. She'd been completely heartbroken.
Still, she'd let her dear childhood friend go.
Standing before her, shifting from one hurting leg to the other didn't grant her much of a choice anyway.
But, she'd found happiness in other things. In the things around her; in those who had chosen to stay.
Correction; in those who had chosen to stay, but also those who didn't have a choice whether they did. And to those, Clove felt the immense need to remember. Out of respect for who they were, and for who they forever will be to her.
Esme and Christopher Everhart didn't choose to leave their only daughter to the dangers of planet Earth.
One and a half weeks after returning from the mountain, Clove had left her hospital bed. She had breathed the outside air, sucked it in like the first time she embraced it back on the first day. Closed her eyes with a content smile and really savored the peace of it all.
On the day of the two-week mark, she'd experienced the world on horseback for the very first time. She's always been fascinated with the creatures, even when they bore their enemy on their backs.
And, the double limping and constant leaning on everything around her wouldn't get her far. Figures.
A week later, she'd ventured past the treeline on the dark bay steed she'd grown to adore.
They'd trekked through the dense landscape as one, though rather clumsily at first. They'd walked at a gentle pace until reaching a small clearing. There, the blonde had gathered a few branches, tying them together with the thin ropes she'd brought from the camp.
And she'd engraved her parents' initials into the wooden crosses. She'd even gathered a bouquet of wild-growing flowers — white and yellow, some even pink — and buried their roots into the soil at the feet of the small crosses.
To respect and to remember. Not only her mother and father but everyone they'd lost since setting foot on this land. Atom, Wells, Roma, Finn. Fox. Maya's death is also something she finds herself dwelling on. And so, so many more.
To respect and to remember, but also to get closure. Because, the deceased are gone, and the living are alive.
Bellamy had been vocally displeased upon learning of her roaming off once she reached the camp again. In fact, he'd even met her by the gates, arms crossed and an eyebrow quirked at the sight of her new companion.
So, the following day, she'd brought him with her out to the clearing.
Though, no matter how much she'd insisted, he stood his ground. It will take a gun to the head for him to mount a horse. Even then, he'd humored, he wasn't sure if it was worth it.
So, it has become their thing, in a way. With every little innocent trip away from camp, Clove sits high and mighty on her trusty steed, saving her healing legs from the strain. Bellamy walks alongside them, one hand reaching up to pat the dark brown coat of the animal every now and then.
And thanks to his gentle, yet never-ending insisting, Clove had ultimately told Abby of her reason for being among the first hundred on the ground. The primary reason was the shadow stalking around camp with power strong enough to make her shoulders meet her ears.
As a result of her truthfulness, she'd come to learn that trust is more valuable than the worth of evidence ever will be. Because, in a world like theirs, trust equals safety.
And safety will slay anyone's demons.
So, with every little hour of every peaceful day, Clove Everhart and Bellamy Blake forgive themselves, together. Help each other put their faults, their guilts and their regrets, in their past. And to move forward, to take one day as it comes, and to embrace the hurdle of emotions it might bring.
To be there. Present. In the moment, in every sliver of every second. And to be there for, not only each other, but for all of them. For all of their friends and all of their faults. For every person who chose to stay.
And to build the peace that had come as such a pleasant aftermath to the chaos. Like spring after the winter seasons, golden and new, like that one blank page at the start of the novel. The one that seems a waste, but really is where their stories are yet to be written.
To build peace.
And their only wish,
𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐢𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐭.
𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐄𝐍𝐃.
𝐀𝐔𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐑'𝐒 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄;
WOAHHH
Thank you so, so much for following Clo and Bell's story!
I started writing the first book all the way back in 2018, daaaaamn. And, in a way, my own personal experiences throughout these last five (wtf) years have somehow helped me give Clove the character development I anticipated for her. I'm proud of where we finished the story, and that I managed to make Clove into a dynamic character, after all.
It's taken a long, long time to finish their story, but here we are; the end of the bumpy ride.
Once again, thank you for the love and support <3
And, if you ever go back to re-read Chased Away and Chasing Fire, make sure to leave a "RR"-comment! I love it when you guys do that!