"Who the hell would bother killing the damn things?" Levi muttered as he adjusted his jacket. I was just putting mine on, and I shrugged in response as he continued. "Seems like a hell of a lot of trouble for nothing to me."
"I don't like them either," I mused. "Titans, that is. But even I wouldn't do something like that. The things we could have learned..." I glanced over at him as I fixed the sleeve of my jacket. "And we're sure it wasn't one of Hange's soldiers?"
"I doubt it," Levi said. "They know better than to defy her. She'd have their head if they killed them."
I hummed lowly in response. He was right. Still, what a strange thing to do. To kill Hange's test subjects... why? Hopefully, we could find the culprit today. I knew it wasn't anyone residing here at the castle for the time being; Hange had been with Eren all night, and everyone else was sound asleep. Our squad mates knew better than to lie to me too, and especially to Levi.
"Come on, brat," Levi called, already standing by the door. "We have to get going."
"Right," I replied, hurrying to finalize getting ready.
Our gear had already all been stowed on a wagon, for us to take to get checked today. All we needed to do was get everyone together and head out. It didn't take long to find everyone; they were all waiting for the two of us and Eren to arrive. The horses had been prepared, the wagon readied, and Levi had gone and released Eren from the dungeon to join us.
And then, we mounted up, and were off. Light conversation accompanied the ride, but for the most part, everyone seemed to enjoy the quiet spring morning. It was shaping up to be a pretty day, at least. Morning dew still clung to the grass as we left and had only just dried up by the time that we made it to the military base where every soldier this side of the Wall practically had gathered.
When we got there, we set our gear out on the tables assigned for us and stood quietly as it got checked. Levi and I were released quickly, considering we were commanding officers, and while Levi was content to sit in the mess hall with a cup of tea, I volunteered to help check the gear. I was given a checklist, a section of soldiers to go through, and was released to do so.
Though it was a serious affair, some of the soldiers had called out to me, saying hello. Most of them were Scouts I knew, and I'd responded to them with smiles and kind words before returning my attention to the work. I was meticulous in my checks, looking into each soldier and recruit's eyes to look for a tell that they were nervous or lying in any capacity when I asked them questions.
From my upbringing and previous line of work, this was something I was quite good at: snuffing out a liar. I didn't find any in my section, nor the next two I picked up. Well, by the time that was done, it was lunchtime, the cooks dishing out simple, quick meals to serve the overload of soldiers on the grounds.
I grabbed food and ate with my squad, then went around after I was done to speak with some of the Scouts that I didn't have the chance to see earlier. I wanted to at least say hello to everyone before we mounted back up and returned to the castle, which Levi had told me we were set to do as soon as everyone was done eating their lunch.
Being in that big castle with only a few other inhabitants was lonely, in a way. I loved my squad, and Eren was quickly growing on me, and of course I loved Levi, but goodness, I missed being able to see everyone else.
From what I could tell, despite the beautiful weather, the tone of the conversations remained serious. People were theorizing about what had happened, and why, and who they thought might have done it. But of course, it was all pure speculation.
The higher-ups like Zackley and his trusted advisors would go through what we'd found today and try to figure it out. It was out of our hands now, and the only thing we could do was hope that justice would be served. Those titans were invaluable test subjects.
We only got the approval once in a blue moon to actually capture titans. The brass thought it was a greater risk than the reward paid out, and figured it wasn't worth it. Only, it was. Or it would be once more discoveries were made. Hange was so damn smart, these two might have been the titans that would have clued her in for some great discovery.
But now we'd never know, and we'd probably never get this kind of thing approved again, which was terribly frustrating.
I'd have gone to comfort Hange, if I knew where she was, but I figured Moblit was with her. If she needed me, she'd seek me out. Otherwise, Moblit could take care of her. He always had, and always would.
I was just settling into a conversation with Nanaba when Erwin was suddenly standing next to me. Nanaba's eyes drifted away from my own, and I turned to look in that direction, only to smile. "Erwin," I greeted.
"Amaya," Erwin said with a smile. "Might I speak with you before you leave?"
"Of course," I said with a nod. "Levi wanted to leave right after lunch, but I can stay behind, certainly."
"Good," Erwin replied. Then he looked to Nanaba. "You don't mind if I steal her from you, do you?"
"Not at all, Commander," Nanaba replied.
I smiled at her. "See you," I called to her as Erwin started walking away. She waved her farewell to me and I hurried to catch up with the commander's long strides. I fell into step alongside him, matching the pace that he set. "Must be important," I teased. "This is your no-nonsense, strictly-classified information is about to be shared pace."
Erwin slowed slightly. "Is it really?"
I laughed lightly. "It is. You haven't noticed?"
"No," he said slowly. "And I had no idea you paid attention to that."
I shrugged. "Someone has to."
As we walked, slower now that Erwin was hyper-conscious of his gait, we weaved through the groups of soldiers. Some MPs, some Garrison, some Scouts, some cadets fresh from the training corps. I could feel the weight of people's eyes as they watched us go by and hear the ripples of gossip that followed. I had to fight to keep the smile from my face. I felt a bit like nobility, doing this. I'd never had people talk about me when I was still so near. It was strange.
From a ways away, someone started to call out for us. I recognized the voice immediately as Olou's. "Commander, Captain!"
We slowed to a stop, allowing him to catch up. He skidded to a halt just in front of us, throwing a salute to his chest. "Greetings, Commander."
"Bozado," Erwin greeted.
"Captain Amaya," Olou said then, looking to me while refusing to let go of the salute. He knew better than to be so formal around me. He was only saving face for Erwin – he was hoping to get a promotion soon. Though he seemed to forget that we'd needed to recommend him for one, first.
"Yes, Olou?"
"Captain Levi requests you come back," he said. "We're getting ready to head out soon."
"Tell him to go on without me," I told him. "I know the way back. I'll come back after I'm done here."
"Er, yes Captain," Olou said.
"Levi will try to send you back to get me again," I said to him, "but tell him that I'm staying, and that's that. I'll be fine."
"Yes, ma'am."
"Good. Go on, then."
He bowed his head respectfully to us, then turned on his heel to start back towards where he'd came from. "Levi won't be too happy to hear that," Erwin mused with a lighthearted chuckle as we started to walk again.
"I'm sure he won't," I agreed. "But it's not a bad ride to get back there. They don't need to wait up for me."
"He will," Erwin said assuredly.
I smiled. "Yeah. He will."
The two of us walked in a comfortable silence then, only the noise from the surrounding soldiers meeting our ears. Eventually, he led me into the base, walking without hesitation into one of the offices on the top floor. It wasn't his own, but it was left wide open.
He closed the door behind us, then checked the windows to make sure they were closed. No one was inside today, and hardly anyone frequented the top floor of this building, especially in this wing. He knew that. Was that why he'd picked it? It must be extremely serious, then, if he was this wary of any living soul being anywhere near us while we talked.
I settled into the leather seat in front of the desk while he leaned against it after checking the room. He crossed his arms over his chest and let out a sigh as crossed one ankle over the other. "Long day?"
"You have no idea," he replied. "Setting this up had plenty of... unique challenges, to say the least, and especially on such short notice. But it had to be done. Though I loathe to admit that the other regiments are quite unhappy with us."
"They always are," I reminded him. "To them, we're just a long-winded way of dealing with population control. You know that."
"I do," he responded. Then his eyes of baby blue met mine and his eyes softened. "You used to be so wary of me, and now you're checking in on me. Funny how much can change in such a short time."
"It's been a few years," I said, somewhat sheepishly under his affectionate gaze. "It's not like I've only been here for a few months."
"True," Erwin replied, smiling now, "but in the beginning, even you wanted to kill me."
I shrugged rather nonchalantly. "It was a choice between your life and freedom for my family. I'm sorry, but it was a no-brainer for us."
Erwin chuckled. "I don't blame you. But even so, you went from someone hired to kill me to one of my most trusted officers."
"That's right," I said proudly. "And I'm sure that's exactly why I'm here right now, isn't it?"
"Exactly," he said. His gaze became almost piercing then, as though looking right through me and into my brain for him to pick. "Who do you think killed those Titans?"
"Someone skilled, obviously," I said, "and someone used to quiet, undercover work. Otherwise, how could they have killed both and get out unseen?"
"Good," he said. "But what else can you think of? What were their motivations? What was to gain from doing this?"
When next I spoke, it was slowly as I formulated my thoughts into coherent sentences. Before I did, I gazed intently into Erwin's eyes, picking up on the nuances he wanted me to. "It was someone who is against progress against titans. Perhaps someone who doesn't want us to succeed against them. Someone maybe against the Survey Corps in general, in the idea of people exploring beyond the walls."
"And why might someone do that?"
"Because we might stumble on something we're not supposed to," I continued. "We won't be confined animals if we have knowledge. If we learn how Titans are made, for example, and stop them, nothing is keeping us from leaving."
"Very good thinking," he praised, though I knew that he was hoping I'd come to those conclusions. My eyes narrowed as he pushed away from the desk and headed to one of the windows. He linked his fingers behind his back and gazed outside. "I'm beginning to form a theory."
I leaned forward in the seat, incredibly interested for what he might have to say. It seemed he was content to leave me on the edge of my seat, quite literally, so I prompted him further. "You have incredible intuition, Erwin," I said. "Please, share it with me."
"We've successfully acquired Eren Yeager, a boy who can by some mystery of science turn into a titan. From the reports, when he transforms, there is a great strike of lightning. The body forms seemingly from out of nowhere, and when he escapes it, it begins to decompose, just like a normal titan body when the nape is cut."
"Right," I said, wondering where he was going with this.
"To our knowledge, when Wall Maria fell, two Abnormal Titans suddenly appeared, as though from thin air, and eyewitnesses claim that lightning struck just before the Colossal Titan appeared over the Wall and broke through."
"Holy shit," I muttered. "So, you think those two were controlled by people, too?"
He looked at me finally and nodded slowly. "I do."
That revelation – though still a theory, it was a damn good one at that – settled heavily in my heart. "Who... who would do that, though? If they were people and we assume they were in full control of their titans, why would they go against humanity like that?"
He left the window and leaned forward on the other side of the desk. He planted his palms down on the top and looked at me seriously. "I've another theory. I don't think we're the last remnants of humanity."
My head tilted slightly. "What do you mean?"
"What if there are entire civilizations beyond the Walls? We've never ventured that far beyond them. The titans have always been a problem for us. But what if that's intentional?"
"Intentional," I repeated. "You don't mean... they want us to remain trapped here? And... oh, they killed the Titans so we couldn't learn more about them?"
"Precisely," he confirmed.
"Holy shit," I said again, unable to find something else to say.
"It's all just speculation," he said. "But I suspect we might find some answers in that basement of his. That is why it is imperative that we recover Wall Maria and make it to Shiganshina."
"Yeah," I said absentmindedly. Words weren't what my mind was concentrating on. Not my own, anyway, but Erwin's. My mind was racing incredibly fast. This was... a lot. If it was true, then that meant people - other people - were out to get us. To keep us here. But why? "Is that why we're heading out for the 57th so soon?" I asked. "To try to draw them out?"
"Exactly," he replied.
I drew a deep breath in through my nose. "I assume we're going to try to capture them, too," I mused, "meaning, we'll need to have a long, confidential, and boring meeting soon?"
Erwin chuckled. "Yes, Amaya. We'll need to have a long, confidential, and boring meeting. But I've lots to think about before that." He stood up straight, offering me a smile. "I won't keep you any longer. Go on back."
"Yes, sir," I said, standing up. "I eagerly await your letter detailing the meeting. See you around, Commander."
Erwin laughed openly. "Always a pleasure, Captain."
By the time I found my way outside, I smiled. I outright beamed. Goodness, what a beautiful day. And it was always fun to hear Erwin's ideas. What he said was crazy but it made sense, given what we'd seen over these past few years.
I didn't want to think about the possibility of people working against us, especially if they lived and worked alongside us. On a gorgeous day like this, why could I? I'd leave the speculation to Erwin, he'd always been good at that.
A gorgeous breeze carried the scent of early spring on it and I stood there for a moment in the courtyard where plenty of soldiers were still milling about. I let my eyes trail from group to group, their voices carrying across the courtyard to me, merging into an incoherent mess that I couldn't make heads nor tails of. Yet there was also the pleasant sound of birdsong floating down from above, bouncing off the stone walls surrounding the courtyard.
I was soon able to make out a few distinct voices, only a few feet away. I paid little attention to them at first, until I grew interested in their words. "Is that who I think it is?"
"Who...?"
"Oh, I think so!"
"Someone go get Jean!"
"I'm right here."
"Look, look! Over there!"
"At what? Is that... Holy shit."
"Jean, are you alright?"
"You're really red!"
"That's C-Captain... Captain Amaya!"
"Hm?" I hummed, turning my head towards the group. It was quite a big group, and they seemed to be quite the cast of characters. They must have been cadets, fresh from the training corps, because they all wore jackets with the crossed blades in the back. I'd never received that jacket, and I was rather thankful for that; I liked the Wings far better. "Who called me?"
My question was, at first, met only with snickers and barely-concealed smirks from the entire group... except for one person. One boy was bright red, flushing all the way from his cheeks to his neck. My smile grew.
"Oh, hold on," I said to them, "you kiddos have your graduation ceremony tonight, don't you?"
A girl with a bright smile and brown hair piped up first. "Yep, we sure do!"
I turned to face them. "Good luck, and congrats!" I threw them a casual salute and a wink, then decided it was probably about time I started to head out. A chorus of happy and excited "thank you's" followed after me from the group, including one final "thank you so much, Captain" which I'm sure was from the one tawny-haired boy who had seemed star-struck from even seeing me.
I made my way to the stable, tacked my horse, then took to the trail headed back to the castle. It was a long, lonely road, but the ride was therapeutic, in a way; it was quiet, calm, and the sunlight dappled on my skin as we rode under the trees through thick forest to reach the castle.
As expected, Levi was waiting for me to return by the time I rode back to the castle. I grinned at the sight of him. His eyes were disappointed, though not surprised as he pushed away from the wall outside the stable. I dismounted and grabbed Strider's reins before he even came to a stop and I only just managed to pass the reins to him before I leapt into his arms.
Levi grumbled something or other, securing one hand around me while the other kept a tight hold on my horse's reins. There was a lecture just waiting for me once we got into the privacy of our temporary office, but I found that I didn't mind.
He could talk at me all I wanted, because on the way back I'd stumbled upon a pretty riding trail that led through the foothills around the castle. It was a short ride, but pretty, and headed to a cute little overlook where we could maybe have a picnic. Maybe we could come back during autumn, when the leaves of the trees changed to their beautiful reds, golds, and browns.
If Levi could see the way that my eyes were glazed over as I daydreamed about that, having a romantic picnic with him in the mountains, he didn't mention it. Instead, he only sighed, gave up on lecturing me, and allowed me to tell him all about what I'd found.
And that night, I'd just been so excited, I dragged him out into the cool night, tacked the horses, and we'd headed out - happily in my case, begrudgingly in his - and I'd been right. It'd been a lovely night. Soft and sweet and gentle and... yes, it was certainly worth the lecture.
—
"Dammit," I groaned, finding myself awake. It seemed that no time had passed at all - and so I promptly readjusted my head on the pillows, let my eyes flutter closed once more, and settled back comfortably into the bedding.
Sleep had not yet gone far, and so it did not take long to find me again.
—
And we... wanted to go home.
So, we saddled them up, mounted, and took off into the night. We stopped only to grant the charges rest, and to allow them water and food. We did not stop to rest, ourselves. We both knew damn well that neither of us would be able to.
When we returned home, we argued. And after that, the very next day, during our continued silence...
I heard hushed voices coming from Emiko's room. I listened, with bated breath, from the end of the hallway. Her door was left somewhat open - not purposefully, I was sure. It was obvious that Levi was speaking with our daughter, but to warrant some modicum of privacy... What could it be about?
It was wrong of me, to eavesdrop. But I was far too curious to care, and so I inched closer, minding the squeaky floorboard, and listened in.
"-were just angry with each other," he was explaining. "We were not upset with you, Emi. Understand? I didn't mean to scare you."
"You yelled," Emi provided weakly.
"I know," he acknowledged ruefully. "I know. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for scaring you, and I'm sorry for yelling. Can you forgive me?"
She sniffed, the sound indicative of coming tears - or perhaps past tears. Just how much had I missed in the few minutes it took for me to hang the washing out to dry? I... I felt something strange constrain my heart, something that felt wrong and yet warranted.
Why was it so easy for him to apologize to her?
Levi understood Emiko's fear, and was apologizing for it.
He just did not understand my motivations, nor my side.
...Or maybe he just did not want to.
I did not like the feeling that persisted, the feeling that tugged at my heart in an unpleasant way. so I pushed away from the wall. I... I needed to go cool down somewhere.
So, I left the house. I got Strider ready for a quick ride, then headed out.
I was not gone long. It was an hour at most, just enough for me to clear my head. I had to do so before heading back home, or I might have lashed out again. It made sense why Levi would apologize to Emiko first - she was not part of the argument. She wasn't even why we argued, not really. She was our daughter, unnecessarily caught in the crossfire.
If the roles were reversed, I'd probably have done the same.
...and perhaps that's exactly why we had clashed so horribly. He hadn't tried to see it from my perspective. I don't... I don't know if he could.
Dammit, focus.
When Strider was in his stall, I fed and watered both horses, then headed back up to the house. Through the back door I slipped quietly, and I knelt down to untie my boots and slide them off. When I stood and reached for a match, for the evening sky had taken over and left the home dark, I noticed a figure move in the kitchen and if I didn't know that build, I'd have shrieked with fright. But I did know that build, so the worst that happened was the surprised gasp that escaped me.
Despite my sudden scare, I managed to pick up a match and strike it, setting it aflame. "Levi," I spoke quietly, finding that he'd been on his way to do the same thing I was doing now - and that was to light the lanterns of the home. I beat him to the first one, and focused for a moment on just lighting the lantern set on the counter. "You scared me."
I made to continue going through the house, but Levi had leaned back against the counter, his arms crossed over his chest. His body language and intentions were clear - he wanted to talk. And so... I blew the match out and resigned myself to stand here by the door, shuffling uncertainly on my feet, illuminated from the front by the lantern's glow and from the side by the pale moonlight.
I'd have wondered what I looked like to him in that moment, but it didn't much matter.
Levi did not respond to my words. "You heard," was all he said. It was obvious what he was referring to, so I nodded.
"Yes," I answered, minding my volume. "Part of it, anyway."
"How much?"
"I heard you apologize to her," I answered honestly. "Not much before, and not much after it."
Something in his eyes told me that he didn't believe me, and that had my eyes narrowing. Was he not going to trust a damn thing I said, anymore? It stung - and I wanted to address it, but not... not now. Not like this. This felt more like an interrogation.
For a moment, I felt like a teenager. I felt like I had when I went out once, just once, with the visiting cousin of one of my father's comrades in the MP's down underground. I'd been asked out to a pub for a bite to eat by that soldier's visiting family, and I had agreed. We returned home later than El had wanted - much later.
And I felt very much the same now.
I really was not about to be made to feel like this in my own home. Not so soon, not again, and not in this same damned spot. I wouldn't have it.
I began to walk, but Levi called my name, then asked, "Where are you going?"
"I was planning on catching up on some reading," I told him. "In the office. Or do you not believe that, either?"
"Tch," he uttered. "Don't be so childish."
I looked at him over my shoulder, narrowing my eyes at him. "Then stop interrogating me."
"I'm allowed to have been concerned about where you were," he said, his own eyes narrowing further. "You didn't tell me what you were doing."
"I'm always where I'm not supposed to be," I said with a bit of bite. "That should've been your first clue."
"Dammit, Amaya," he hissed. "Take this seriously!"
"Nope," I said, resolutely turning from him. "I'd really much rather read."
"And what book could possibly be so interesting that you'd walk away from this conversation again?"
"Any book," I answered easily, still refusing to look at him. "Anything fictional, preferably fantasy. Honestly, I just need something to get lost in for a while, because anything is better than this."
"Honestly," he sighed out. "You're ridiculous."
"So are you. We're more alike than you think, you and I."
"Don't start."
"You don't think you'd have done the same in my situation," I said, finally looking over my shoulder at him once more, locking eyes with his surely. "But you have done the same. And the stakes were a lot lower than global war, Levi."
"Are you talking about the five minutes I took to pull Eren from his damned Titan before he got closed in with Annie? Is that comparable to you?"
"You made a promise to stay put, and you broke it," I said with a shrug, looking away from him once more.
"That's hardly the same," he argued. "Exactly what you said - the stakes were lower."
"Exactly as I said," I repeated, knowing exactly what his argument was. "You risked yourself for much less. I am that little girl's mother and there is nothing in this world that would keep me from getting home to her. And if Paradis is targeted by the world, then that means she is, too. I don't care what it takes - I'm going to keep her safe."
"By sending her off with some old man and running away to fight?"
"That old man helped raise me," I said, turning to face him, anger flaring up in my chest. "And I did not run away from her! How in the hell would I be able to raise her if I didn't do all that I could to protect her future? If we don't do something now, her future is doomed. I am not allowing Eren to start and end a war that will impact her for the rest of her life - I refuse!"
"Do you think I was just idly standing by, then?"
"No, but I wouldn't be able to live with myself or look into her eyes if you fought for her future and I didn't. Say you failed - say we all end up losing to Marley. What then? If I don't fight, what say do I have in what happens? If I don't fight, it won't matter what I want for her because I did not do my job and fight for it."
"So it's about you?"
"No, it's not!"
"That's what it sounds like to me."
"Don't," I hissed, turning from him. I didn't utter a single word or offer up even another strangled syllable as I made my way to the office.
I locked myself into the room, dropped down into the leather seat underneath the window... and cried.
I just didn't know what to do anymore.
—
I knew I was awake before my eyes even opened. It took quite a bit of effort to convince my heavy, stubborn eyelids to open. I didn't even need to look out the window to know that I hadn't been asleep for long. I grumbled under my breath, rolled over - only to hiss in pain after putting unnecessary pressure on my injured leg and had to roll back over - and closed my eyes again as soon as I was comfortable.
"Nope," I muttered. "Absolutely not. Not yet. Right back to sleep I go."
Just as I had hoped, sleep didn't take long to find me again.
—
When I woke up that morning, the first thing I was sure of was that I was warm. Oh, sweet bliss. It was a cold, blustery morning, I could hear the wind rattle the windows of the base even from here. It was strange, being that it was a spring morning, but I didn't mind.
I could tell immediately that it was earlier than I would normally have liked to wake up. I stifled a groan, biting it back so that I wouldn't wake Levi. The dim light coming into the room was pale and did not illuminate the room whatsoever. It only just created a slight glow that settled around the windows but did not penetrate further into the room.
Goodness, it was far too early for the rooster to even think of crowing yet.
I was on my side, and my arms were around him, loosely draped around his shoulders. His head was resting not on the pillow we seemed to agree to share last night, but on my arm, so I couldn't move right now anyway.
At least I was comfortable, save for my arm being numb from the weight of his head. I tilted my head down to look at him. He was lightly snoring, and I smiled. It was a funny sound to hear from him. He didn't do it often.
I gazed over his face, or what I could see from this angle. As it was, he was tucked securely against me, as though I could protect him from the world in this way. In this position I could only see some of his face, including his angular nose, dark lashes, and relaxed brow.
It was nice to see him like this, so relaxed and calm. It was a far cry from how he'd been only days ago. The mission to retake Wall Maria had hit everyone hard, Levi especially. As if knowing I was thinking of him, his hand that had been flat against the small of my back curled into the fabric of the shirt I wore to bed last night – his shirt.
Then he pressed his forehead to my breast, pulling his entire body ever closer to my own. I chuckled lightly, craning my neck to press a gentle kiss to his hair. "Oh, love," I murmured. "You're so cute."
"I'm not," he replied, his voice low and muffled against my chest.
"Holy shit," I hissed. "How long have you been awake?!"
"Long enough," he muttered. "Now hush. Go back to sleep."
"Jeez," I sighed. "Next time let me know you're awake with a kiss. And not by giving me a heart attack."
A low chuckle escaped him. "I had to call your bullshit."
"Oh, please," I laughed. "My bullshit? All I did was call you cute."
"Exactly. Now shut up."
"What," I huffed, "you don't want to stay up and talk with me?"
"No," he muttered immediately. I gasped with exaggerated surprise and pulled back a bit from him. He only sighed through his nose in response and rolled all the way over, detaching himself from me completely to lay on his side facing away. I propped myself up on my elbows with a sly smile.
"Why?"
"Because if you don't go back to sleep, you'll be tired and cranky, and I'll have to deal with it all day."
I dragged myself closer to him on the bed and dropped my chin onto his arm. I gazed down at him adoringly, smiling warmly. When his unamused eyes met mine, I pretended to pout but it didn't last more than five seconds on my face before it wavered, and the smile made its reappearance on my lips. I laughed lightly.
Levi sighed. "You're not going back to bed, are you?"
"Nope," I said. "I'm far too awake now."
"Well I am," he said, closing his eyes. "So keep quiet."
He couldn't see it, but my smile grew. There was nothing to do today. Hange had granted us another day to grieve, to relax, to move on. I could nap all day if I wanted to. But for right now...
I leaned away, then set a hand gently on his shoulder. I eased Levi onto his back, and he complied without opening his eyes. Without me needing to ask, he held his arms out for me and I eagerly obliged his silent command. I got atop him gently, easing myself onto his hips before lowering my lips to his cheek. The kiss I planted on his cheek was sweet and loving and light, and I smiled at the way his cheeks darkened slightly with the affection.
One hand of his settled around my back, the other behind my head. He guided me to lay there with him. He kept his hands where they were even once I was comfortable atop him and my eyes closed. We remained that way for several minutes, just enough for him to be lulled into a false sense of ease.
As soon as I knew I had him where I wanted him, I attacked. And by attacked, I meant kissing him, all over. His cheeks, his forehead, his chin, his neck, nothing was safe from my sudden barrage until he tossed me off him; a bit too forcefully, perhaps, because I fell from the bed.
The shocked gasp that escaped me was nothing more than just that: shock. I hadn't expected to be tossed from the bed, certainly. He'd tossed me to the bed on more occasions than I could count, when I annoyed him and I managed to get him into one of his extremely rare playful moods, but this...
Ouch. I'd landed just on my tailbone, which immediately began to hurt, and because of how sudden it was and how much it hurt, my eyes began to water. Why the hell did something so insignificant hurt like a bitch?
Levi, having heard the thud he wasn't expecting, leaned over the side of the bed to look down at me as soon as he realized I hadn't gotten back into bed yet. His eyes widened when he saw me there on the floor, rubbing a hand on my tailbone and with watering eyes, he seemed to panic.
"Oh, fuck," he muttered, tossing the blanket aside and dropping to his knees beside me. Immediately cluing into where the "injury" was, he touched two fingers to the spot, and I winced slightly.
"Ow," I said weakly.
"Shit, I'm sorry," he said. "How bad is the pain?"
Oh, yes. I could run with this.
"Not the worst injury I've had," I said truthfully. "But it... it does hurt..."
"Come here," he said, though gave me no chance to move before leaning in closer.
He gathered me into his arms, one set under my legs, the other around my back, and he stood. Carefully as he could, he eased onto the bed, sliding back until we were in the center. I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my head against his shoulder, hiding my face and consequently, hiding my smile.
Holding me as close as possible, he tightened his grip on me slightly. I shifted, adjusting to sit more comfortably in his lap. "The worst that'll happen is it'll bruise," he told me.
"I know," I murmured, "but it hurts."
"You'll be alright," he said, his voice as gentle as it could possibly be. I couldn't help but smile because it wasn't often that I heard his voice like this. I was only hearing it now because I'd been hurt; not terribly, but because of him, and so he felt guilty.
A kiss was pressed to my temple, and I bit on my lip to keep my smile from getting any bigger. "Levi," I said weakly.
"What is it, brat?"
"Did you really not want me to kiss you that badly?"
"Of course not," he replied, suddenly sounding incredibly tired. "I didn't mean to throw you that far. I'm sorry."
I lifted my head only once I'd wiped the smile from my face. Just in time, too, because a tear rolled down my cheek. Goodness, maybe I really could be an actress.
Levi's eyes widened, then softened immediately at the sight of my teary eyes. The hand that had been supporting my legs lifted now to gingerly swipe across my cheek, and under my eye. "I didn't mean to," he reinforced. "I didn't think we were that close to the edge of the bed."
I cracked a small smile, one that would hopefully ease some guilt from his heart. "You're just so strong, aren't you?"
"Too strong, apparently," he sighed.
I shook my head and cupped his cheeks in my hands. "Not too strong. Never too strong." I kissed the tip of his nose. It scrunched slightly from the feeling, making me giggle. "Just strong enough to protect me from the entire world. Accidentally throwing me off the bed is nothing compared to that."
"Amaya," he said placatingly.
"Levi," I said lovingly. "I'm fine, really. I'm more surprised than anything else. You still look exhausted. I'm going to get started on the chores, so you can go back to bed. Ok?"
"I'm letting you do all of them yourself," he began to argue, but when I slid off his lap and pressed a hand to his chest, he allowed me to push him to lay on his back, with his head to the pillows again.
"I'm already up," I told him. I ignored the incredulous look sent my way and smiled as I began to fix the blankets. I tugged them up to cover him once he was comfortable, and I leaned in to kiss the side of his mouth before getting off the bed. "Go back to bed, baby. You need the sleep."
He didn't argue further, which surprised the hell out of me. Still, I left the room quietly and slipped out of the room on near-silent feet, though the same couldn't be said for the hinges. And then, I began to do as I said I would; I began to clean.
I hummed as I did, quietly, so he wouldn't be disturbed, not knowing that on the other side of the wall, Levi was hoping I would be louder, so he could hear it. The daily chores were easy and routine by now, and I found my mind wandering as I worked.
Time passed quickly in this way, and surprisingly, I found myself in a very pleasant mood. The windows were open, a beautiful breeze blowing into the room now that the morning sun had rose, burning away the fog and chasing away the blustery winds of the early morning I'd heard.
Maybe only a few minutes passed, or perhaps several hours passed. I wasn't quite sure. But I was just taking a break from sweeping by the large window in the office overlooking the grounds the Survey Corps called home when strong, though extremely gentle hands were suddenly on my waist. Levi's touch was soft as his hands glided around to my front, tugging the fabric of my shirt slightly when they came to clasp together over my stomach.
Though his tough was sweet, and gentle, and soft, and all the things I loved at this time of the day, it surprised the absolute shit out of me. A squeak – a goddamn squeak – escaped me as I nearly leapt out of my skin and in the process, the broom fell out of my hands with a clatter on the floor. One of my hands clutched the fabric over my heart, able to feel the way my heartrate at least tripled with the scare.
I could hear him chuckle lowly behind me as his chest pressed against my back. He unclasped his hands only to tug my hair out of the way, gently brushing it to one shoulder so he could set his chin on the other. "For the love of- Levi, are you trying to kill me, today?"
"I would never," he said cheekily. "I just didn't realize you were so easy to scare."
"You are doing it on purpose, then?" I demanded. I scoffed. "For my safety and for the baby's, I might need to move to another room while I'm pregnant."
A smirk tugged at his lips. "You can't last that long without me."
I gasped. "Yes, well... shut up! I will sleep in my old office if you keep this shit up!"
"Is that right?"
"It is."
"I'm sure. Now, back to bed."
I smiled. I couldn't say no to that. I'd worked hard all morning, or however long I'd been cleaning out here. I'd say I earned a nap. And if Levi was just not planning on leaving the bedroom for more than a few minutes at a time today, then I was totally fine with that, too. I certainly had no complaints.
Eventually, that day we did get out of bed. We did some light training, wrote some reports, at our meals in the mess hall, and generally just had a relaxed, laidback day. We hadn't had one in a while.
But that evening, after dinner, I did in fact go to my old office, instead. It was practically abandoned by then, no one ever having moved into it once I was formally assigned into Levi's with his, and all of my personal effects had been moved out. Levi had been confused. After almost half an hour of impatient, suspicious, worried pacing back and forth in front of his desk, he finally pieced it together.
And so he came and found me, sitting innocently in the center of what had been my bed, once upon a time. He'd promptly picked me up and carried me all the way back to his room, in which case he'd reminded me what he would do if ever I pulled a stunt like that on him.
It was encouraging, in a way, but I'm certain he knew that.
—
In sleep, a small smile curled on my lips. I was alone, I was injured, and I was scared, and I had no idea if Levi and the others were even alive but... at least in my dreams, I was still with those I loved. If nothing else, I had that to be happy about.
So for now, as I was able to be asleep, and able to forget about my pain for a while, I would take full advantage of it. It was all I could do.
And when next I woke up, it was because the matriarch of the family had some food for me. Interestingly, the day was not as yet over. Time was moving strangely, today. It was late afternoon. As I noted, it wasn't terribly late, but truthfully I really just could not find it in me to sleep for long. Still, I ate a small meal, was helped to the bathroom so I could do my business and get cleaned up a bit, and then... I got to meet the twins.
They were a handful, asking a million questions at once about if I liked being a scout and how to use the gear and what it was like to fly and all manner of other things - and eventually, I managed to ask a question of my own.
"May I have a pen and a piece of paper brought to me, please? And an envelope too if you don't mind."
The older of the twins - Alexander, if I was right – dashed out of the room to go retrieve what I'd asked. At least the family currently housing me was incredibly kind and generous, and also quite charming and interesting.
Originally, as I had found out, they were from one of the districts on the northern side of the walls. They'd all been born and raised in a small town in one of the auxiliary districts, though if I was asked to name them, I couldn't do it. The names of the districts and towns within the walls were supposedly common knowledge, but I'd never learned them.
So, when they told me about their hometown, I just had to smile and nod along, pretending to know what they were talking about. The village had been situated on a river at the foot of a mountain. When they heard talk of fishermen being required at the coast years ago, they'd jumped ship so to speak, and came to live here.
The matriarch of the family was Julie, and her husband was Samuel. As a fisherman, he had quite a few tales from his time on the open ocean over these past few years and he tried teaching me a few shanties only for me to grow tired; not out of boredom, but because it'd been right after the family had brought me food. The food, coupled with the medicine Julie had given me to help me sleep (which began kicking in almost immediately), there was no way of keeping me from falling into a restless sleep for another short nap.
During dinner they'd tried keeping the kids out of the room while Julie sat with me, but they were far too curious to be contained. They'd barged into the room while we were eating and had bombarded me with question after question. I did what I could to answer their endless questions before their mother ushered them out of the room to offer me some peace.
Though, once again, it wasn't like the time to rest would do me any good right now. I couldn't sleep anyway. Not for long, and when I did, what I got was not productive sleep, in any case.
Well, at their insistence shortly after that, and after clearing it with me, she'd given in and allowed them to visit with me. And that was how my afternoon was spent after getting my wounds checked once more by Julie; talking with her children.
Samuel had gone to help with the cleanup effort already, and from his words it appeared that most of the Yeagerists had cleared out of the area. The boats had been destroyed and there was no way to chase after the Alliance even if they managed to slip away.
And despite his asking around, it seemed that no one knew whether the Alliance had been on the ship that blew up or not. It wasn't as though I could get up and look for myself, not like it mattered. No matter what the answer was, if they'd gotten on their way or not, I couldn't do anything about it.
The second of the twins, Andrew, remained in his chair that was beside the bed. His little sister, Alyssa, dashed into the room, now clambering up into his lap so now, both were looking at me curiously. "What do you need those for, miss?"
The children, despite my best efforts, refused to call me anything other than Miss or Miss Amaya. Something about their manners and not wanting to upset their mama by disrespecting me – especially because I was a soldier.
They were all quite cute, with matching brown eyes and dark hair. They all seemed to take after their mother piece for piece, because their father had fair hair and blue eyes. Hopefully they'd all manage to take on their father's height instead of their mother's.
"I need to send a letter," I explained. "You see, I have a daughter that I have to get back home to. But I can't exactly move right now. As I figure out how to get myself home, I need to at least let my uncle know that I'm ok."
"Oh," Andrew said thoughtfully. We all looked towards the door as Alexander returned, a wide smile on his face. He ran right up to the bed, holding the retrieved items towards me proudly.
"Here you go, Miss Amaya!"
"Thank you very much, sweetheart," I said, offering him a warm smile. Satisfied, he hopped back onto his own chair. There was a hardcover book on the nightstand, and I took that into my lap too, setting the paper on top to have a hard surface to write on. Ignoring the sets of little eyes aimed my way, I began to write.
Dear Reyes,
I hope this letter finds you and your family safe. And my Emi too, of course.
First off, I miss you all terribly. I pray that you're all in good health and happiness.
Now that the Rumbling has left our island, I can only hope that you've returned home, because that's where this letter will be sent. Honestly, I don't remember the address of her majesty the queen's private estate, not like knowing it would help; the messengers wouldn't be allowed on the property anyway, unless granted exclusive permission. Which the regular carriers won't have. So the letter wouldn't get to you anyway.
...I'm rambling.
I won't lie to you, even through a letter. I couldn't lie to you anyway. I got into some trouble.
I've done a lot since I've seen you and Emi last. First, I got right into the middle of the fight when Marley attacked. Zeke Yeager turned many of the soldiers – including several commanding officers – into Pure Titans, so we had to fight them, too. You probably already heard, but Commander Pixis and your Commander Nile Dawk are dead. I'm sorry.
Then came the Rumbling. I hope you two weren't too scared. I'm sure Emiko was, but... I'm so grateful she had you there with her, at least. She knows that you're strong. I'm sure she felt safe with you there.
After that though, I sneaked my way into meeting Hange, Commander Magath of Marley, and many others, including their Warriors. Hange had been meeting in secret with the Scouts that hadn't turned to the Yeagerists, though I wasn't included because she wanted me to stay behind and to stay safe. Long story short, I did not.
I'm expecting another lecture about that. Go easy on me, will you? I already know how irresponsible that was. Trust me, I know.
I traveled with the Alliance, following Eren and the Titans to the coast. The Azumabito had a flying boat, and we were going to take it to catch up with him. Unfortunately, the Yeagerists were there first and there was no other way to leave with the flying boat to service other than fighting our way through them. So we did.
I was unfortunately caught by a pair of Yeagerists, who I once used to be quite close to. My leg was injured. It's unlikely that I'll ever walk again. I might have also lost my ear somewhere. And by lost it, I mean it got cut off by those assholes. And as that was happening, one of the boats was destroyed. I have no idea if it was the one that Levi and the others were on, or what happened exactly to make it explode, or if they managed to get away.
All things considered; I think I'm ok. I'm alive, at the very least. I can't move on my own for a while but I'm going to try to find a way to get to you. I hate to be a burden to your family, but with Levi off with the Alliance or even dead, I don't have very many options.
I'll hopefully see you soon.
Lots of love, Amaya
P.S. Give Emiko lots of hugs and kisses for me, ok? Tell her I'm coming home.
When I finished writing, I looked up only to see the kids turned around in their chairs, chatting with their mother and father. I flushed slightly, not having realized that they'd even come into the room. And here they were, having an entire conversation. Shit. This always happens to me.
"What do you mean?" Samuel asked.
"I mean, Miss Amaya wants to go home!" Andrew exclaimed.
Oh, fuck.
"Oh, goodness," I muttered. My eyes snapped up to meet Julie's. "Please don't take that to mean that I don't appreciate your hospitality," I said, the pen between my fingers twirling as my nerves got the better of me. "Because I can never truly thank you enough for what you've done for me. I'd be dead if not for you, and-"
"Shh, honey," Julie said with a well-meaning laugh. Her genuine smile surprised me, and my eyes widened. "I completely understand. You're exhausted and hurt and in pain and of course you'd want to go home as soon as possible. And to your daughter, no less. I know it's where I would want to be." She glanced up at her husband, a silent understanding passing between them.
"I've got a buddy," he began slowly, "who mans one of the carriages that goes from here to the walls regularly. I'm sure I can arrange for you to be brought home."
I seemed to forget how to breathe for a moment. I could go home. Home. The word seemed so strange to me now.
I can go home. Emi... I'm on my way, my darling.