Shouto Todoroki
Todoroki could vividly remember Mai's reaction to being informed of her father's relationship with Bakugou:
"So, did you tell her about us?" Bakugou whispered to Todoroki, who shook his head. "Want me to tell her?"
Todoroki nodded slowly and thought, I've been too afraid to even type out answers most of the time for anyone... Afraid...
"Oi, Mai."
"Yeah?"
"What if I told you that your dad is my boyfriend?" Bakugou smirked and canted his head.
Mai blinked silently, slowly lifting her gaze from her drawing on the floor. "But you're a boy."
Bakugou's brows raised in amusement. "Just 'cuz we're both guys doesn't mean we can't be together."
"But...Dad loved Mom. Why does he pick you now?"
"Bet he always will love her. But since, well, he ain't with her, he's up for grabs again."
"Oh, okay. So, Dad loves Uncle Kat?"
Todoroki nodded hesitantly.
"Then I love Uncle Kat too."
Maybe she really wouldn't need me, Todoroki inwardly sighed while pouring a drink for himself. Damn, it still burns. The urges are getting stronger and more frequent. I'm terrified of someone finding out. I'm terrified of trusting others. I'm terrified of saying too much. I'm terrified of talking to anyone. I'm...terrified of everything. Why? That's not like me. That's not me. He shook his head and pressed the cold rim of his glass to his lips. I feel so much more like myself when I'm drunk.
And you don't see anything wrong with that?
"Dad." Mai plopped a box beside Todoroki on the couch; it produced a jangling, wooden trickle. "Can we do a puzzle together?"
I'd just fuck it up, Todoroki thought. But I don't want to say no.
Sure. You can start. I'll be back in a minute.
After pouring himself a glass of vodka and lime juice with ice, Todoroki sat with his daughter on the floor.
This is the puzzle Momo gave her... Todoroki realized, glancing at the field of sunflowers depicted on the box cover. It hurts. Knowing I'm still here, but without you... No. You'll come back. I just need to wait. I just need to wait...and everything will be normal again. Everything will be normal again.
Forty minutes later, the puzzle was halfway complete, and Todoroki was no longer thinking about his wife. Todoroki was no longer repeating to himself that he and everything would be fine. Todoroki was no longer present in reality.
"You doin' all right?" Bakugou asked while Todoroki set his drink down.
Todoroki nodded. When I'm not paranoid about everything, I feel so empty, and yet, everything aches. Just leaving the house has become something I'm afraid of. Why? Why am I like this? Why is it only getting worse? Maybe I dealt with some anxiety in the past, but never to this extent. I don't even want to believe it. It's so pathetic... I wish—
Todoroki flinched as something gripped his shoulder. Instantaneously jerked from his thoughts, he stifled a wince.
With lowered brows and an expression dripping with shadow, Bakugou met Todoroki's gaze. "Hey," Bakugou sighed in a stern breath. "Shu, we need to talk." He glanced around the room for a moment and lowered his shoulders. "Mai ain't here right now, but do you wanna talk here, or in your room? Hold up one finger for here, and two for your room."
When was the last time I even typed anything for him? Todoroki cogitated while raising his middle and index fingers together. I don't know. I don't want to discuss anything. What will it be about this time? How I communicate even less? How I drink more? How I sleep more? How I'm getting worse? He silently slinked up the stairs behind Bakugou with drink in hand. Did my sleeve roll down? Did you see? Is that what it is? He took a swig of his drink as he entered his room and sat down on the bed beside Bakugou.
Releasing a long breath of air, Bakugou pointed his eyes to the floor for a second before gazing over at Todoroki. "I was way more lenient about this before, and I kept some distance 'cuz I didn't have a whole lot to go on, but you can't keep going on like this, Shu. Your life's hella unhealthy. I know yer not exactly choosing that in your right mind, but the fact of the matter is that your lifestyle is a detriment to you, and you're struggling every day with shit you don't wanna say. I damn well know it's not 'nothing,' but I also know how hard it is to admit it. Bet it's way harder for you." He took Todoroki's free hand into his. "But I want you to start therapy, Shu."
Two condensed blades of cerise gouged through Todoroki's core like machetes hacking through foliage. Cold sweat bubbled over his back like the condensation on his glass.
No, Todoroki thought, shaking his head. I don't have time for that. I already have so much to do. Just the thought of having to bring anything up to anyone at all makes me feel sick. I—
"Shu." Like cooling lava, Bakugou's eyes burned, and yet, they possessed a certain, unwavering quality. "You don't know what it's gonna be like unless you try it. Unless you've tried... Didn't think so. Are you happy?" His words were like smooth opals.
How could I not be?
Clearly, you're not happy when you look at the past and compare it to now. You never needed to drink so much just to be 'you.' You never needed to cut your own skin open just to ease the pain. You never needed to talk yourself out of suicide just to live. Or, more accurately, you never needed to use the thought of suicide as a way to keep living.
Unable to retain eye contact with Bakugou, Todoroki averted his eyes and slowly nodded. I'm not lying. I know I'm happy. I'm just...selfish... He swallowed down a medium sip of alcohol. Hurting myself and making bad decisions when I have nothing to warrant it, and a daughter and significant other depending on me...
I hate myself, Todoroki wanted to snarl as he slashed across his upper thigh. I fucking hate myself. Why? Why can't I do anything right?! Why?! Tears began to pour from his eyes as he gasped through his gritted teeth and trembling, torn-back lips. If I'd just kept it to myself... If I hadn't said anything at all... Fuck, that one goes too far down. If Endeavor finds out, he'll hurt me. If Fuyumi finds out, she'll blame herself. If Natsu finds out, he'll yell at Endeavor, and Endeavor will hurt him. I'm selfish either way. I'm always selfish. No matter what I do, what I think, or what I dream of...it's all selfish.
"Why the hesitation?" sibilated the ash-blond. "I really don't think you're happy. I dunno if you're just trying to make me believe you're fine, or if you're lying to yourself. But can you really tell me you're happy when it's so hard for you to get up? When you can't get out of bed sometimes? When you never wanna do anything and just wanna sleep?" He crossed his arms.
Because I'm pathetic and weak. Todoroki nodded again, downing the rest of his drink. I want to be calm and relaxed like I used to always be. Missing Endeavor's call and not calling back has been on my mind all day. Bakugou...wouldn't hurt me, right?
Although Todoroki presumed that Bakugou's behavior would vastly differ from what was put forth, he felt a soothing warmth in his chest when Bakugou's voice did not raise. "So, does all that make you happy?" Bakugou received the shake of Todoroki's head. "Thought not. It ain't normal, but there's nothing wrong with that. Since the person you confide in isn't enough, I'm adamant about this, Shu."
The silence that ensued clung to the room for a few minutes, and during that period of stillness, Todoroki thought, I refuse to go. No argument, evidence, or reasoning can change my mind. I don't exactly trust him fully, but he probably thinks I can hardly trust him. Maybe he knows Momo's still here. Maybe he's seen her but chooses to stay. What am I even thinking? I don't know. He lightly scratched his left wrist. I feel so empty. I feel like a ghost. Yet, I also feel...lonely? Something aches inside of me. I want to be filled with his warmth and his touch. Prove to me that I exist to you. Blue pain dripped from Todoroki's being like melting icicles.
Words mean so little to me when they're used to comfort me or help me. Anyone can say 'I love you' or 'I care about you.' But will everyone choose to physically be here for me? No. That's far more dedication and effort. Saying reassuring things to me just makes me feel worse. Todoroki eyed Bakugou's hand. I want to be touched. You can speak to something that doesn't exist, but if you can touch it...then it does exist. It's not just the silhouette of something there, but something tangible. Touch me, mark me, violate me, do anything with me. Just don't leave me...
Glancing up from his data table in the chemistry lab of his university, Todoroki espied his lab partner, Momo Yaoyorozu. He'd worked with Momo quite a few times before, but he'd never said anything more than "Shouto Todoroki" from the day they'd met to then. Despite that, Todoroki was always fond of the days he worked with Momo, who vocalized most of her thoughts.
"You know, even though you don't say anything, everything always goes incredibly well whenever I work with you," Momo chuckled while clicking a few numbers into her calculator.
Todoroki could remember attempting to speak to Momo a few times before, but he couldn't recall when the desire to speak to her took root in him. All he could remember was a hot wave engulfing his body like quicksand as he repeated the words he wanted to say over and over again in his head, straightening his posture, and ultimately backing down from the idea of saying anything.
I feel bad for not saying anything, but it's better this way, Todoroki had told himself after a failed attempt at speaking to Momo. I'll just hurt her too, she'll hurt me back, and we'll both regret ever saying a thing.
Yet, before Todoroki was cognizant of it, his eyes widened when he realized he'd spoken: "Does...it bother you that I don't say anything?"
No, Todoroki berated himself. Why did I say that? I—
Momo shook her head with a tender smile. "No, not at all. If you're shy about it, that's perfectly okay. I know you listen instead of ignoring those around you." She flipped over her data table and began filling in an empty box on the sheet.
Todoroki was silent. He didn't know what to say. His heart pounded, and his hands had gone numb, but he didn't know what to do.
"Want to get lunch after this?" Momo proposed. "Or do you have another class?"
Todoroki swallowed thickly, unable to build the sands of the sea of words in his head into audible words. "Ah..." He glanced around the room. "Sure..."
I don't want to go back home after this. I also don't want to be alone again. As long as it isn't a burden, I want to stay with you just a little longer.
You never gave up on me. Even when I couldn't say a single thing, you were always there, never upset at me. Was that the first time I truly felt...
Expelling a sigh that Todoroki could envision as a cloud of smoke, Bakugou sighed, "If you refuse, then I need to see you getting better. I need to see you able to function fine. I need to see you getting enjoyment out of life." He nodded, waiting for Todoroki to make eye contact again. "If something's on your mind, tell me about it. Even if it seems insignificant and like a waste of my time, I wanna hear it. I ain't sayin' that 'cuz I'm 'obligated' to or whatever since I'm your boyfriend. I'm sayin' that as who I am. If this had been high school, hell no, I wouldn't have wanted to hear a damn thing from anyone. But I ain't that dickhead of a person anymore. Still a dickhead, but less of one. So, can you promise me that you're gonna work to get better, and you'll be more open to telling me things if yer not gonna see a therapist?"
No, Todoroki thought, but he nodded nonetheless. I know I'm just buying time, but I'll do anything to avoid seeing a therapist.
"All right. One more condition..." Stiffening his posture, Bakugou clasped onto Todoroki's hand. "Lemme taste your lips." Bakugou's steely countenance melted into a cunning smirk.
Instantaneously subjugated by Bakugou's alluring offer, Todoroki felt his body join with Bakugou's as the two became one. I don't...feel anything, Todoroki realized while his sides were caressed by Bakugou's hands. I don't care that I'm kissing a man. I don't feel the passion. I don't feel anything good or anything bad. His own hands fluttered around Bakugou's waist. I just want to be touched. His lips are on mine, and his hands are on my body, but I feel so empty and alone. How much do I need to be touched to not feel alone? To feel like I'm here, and I exist? Fuck, that hurt. He winced when Bakugou's thumb firmly pressed into his abdomen. I'm tired. His hands are rough. It's hot. He kind of tastes like smoke.
All Todoroki could recall after that was having rapid, scrambled thoughts as the heat of the moment fizzled into a tender warmth and familiar darkness. He didn't remember falling asleep, but he awoke to a lightless environment, something soft beneath him, and the light, rhythmic sound of breathing beside him
When? was Todoroki's first thought. Bed. Bakugou. When did I fall asleep? So tired. I'll be exhausted for work. Go back to sleep. Work...again. Already? I don't want to. It would be so much easier to die. I'm useless anyway. Would it be better to live or die? He filled his lungs with air until it became uncomfortable to expand them further. I guess a few people would be sad if I died. I wouldn't get to raise Mai. I would be the reason why she'd grow up without parents. She'd have every right to despise me. But just by living, I'm using so many resources other people need more. I worry the people around me. I waste their time. I make them feel bad. I lie to them. I lied to my significant other about something that's important to him. I don't deserve him. I'm just a burden...
You have the opportunity to try again. Wouldn't it be nice for all your problems to vanish? It's the only way.
But I want to live for the people I love.
Do you? Or are you just afraid of dying alone, in pain, and in a sea of regrets?
I'm not alone. I'm not in pain. I have my regrets, but so does everyone else. It's just...hard to live. But it's always been hard. It's nothing unique. It's hard for everyone else too. But everyone else seems to get over it. I'm just weak. I'm so weak. I can't even kill myself. I slashed a blade through my wrist, and I couldn't do it. It's pathetic... A bullet would be the easy way out, but I don't deserve that. If I feel pain as I'm dying, I'll know I was alive.