"Who's she talking to?" Lorelai asked Logan as she observed Rory through the window sitting outside on the back porch of the Sand Castle, Logan's Woolrich winter coat pulled around her, her legs pulled up close, speaking on her phone.
"I'm pretty sure it's Celeste," Logan replied, continuing to play with his son who was just doing his tummy time, having placed a textured silicone teether in his palm.
"They're really talking a lot these days," Lorelai noted casually, pulling her sweater tighter around her as she took a seat by the fireplace to warm up, wondering what was so secret that Rory had to take the call outside in this wind. Lorelai figured Rory just needed a break from the rest, even from Finny. She too recalled what it had been like being with a newborn day after day and she couldn't really blame her. The past week had been hard enough on Rory - first with Christoper and Gigi visiting which had been pleasant enough, then Shira - much less pleasant, followed by a quick trip over to Honor's with Mitchum present which as Rory had put it - that just been tirering, and then to Emily's and all that with a 2.5 month old in tow. They'd been in Nantucket now for half a week, Christmast having passed.
Lorelai had taken Celeste's advice, offering to take Finny some evening until the usual 4 AM (-ish) feeding already the first time she'd heard Rory complain in passing about her lack of sleep. Rory had brushed her off at first, almost like she'd guessed she would, saying that she was fine, but relented after a while promising to think about it.
"She's not replacing you, you know," Logan commented after a moment's pause. He'd never touched the subject with Lorelai before, but he understood what was going through Rory's mind probably better than anyone, knowing their history the best. "They're friends, they're going through a lot of the same stuff at the same time, it seems to be just so effortless for them...," he added, feeling the need to defend their relationship somehow.
Rory and Celeste held each other's secrets, they had seen each-other struggle and protected one another when it came to it - and to Logan their friendship really wasn't that big of a surprise. What was perhaps a little similar to how she used to speak to Lorelai, was her need to vent to someone, and while sometimes it was Logan himself, but with things related to the baby and him, she often resorted to calling Celeste, and while that venting never lived up to the banter that Lorelai had had with her (anywhere and almost anytime along with seemingly insignificant sidetracks), it was something different. Bt it did seem to help her - and that was the end goal.
"Yeah, I know. Celeste is a very easy person to like," Lorelai replied, having experienced it herself more than once.
"Wow! Never thought I'd hear those words from you," Logan exclaimed smugly, wondering briefly if he should've just kept his mouth shut, not to cause any bad blood.
"Did you seriously expect me to like your ex-fiance whose existence made my daughter miserable for many months off the bat? " Lorelai laughed, relaxing Logan by not taking offence. She did know the story was more complicated than that, having at the time known only one side of the story.
"If you put it like that, I guess not," Logan replied, lifting Finny up to his chest, supporting his head with his palm. He was glad Lorelai didn't hate Celeste, after all they were all sort of intertwined now - Jess, Celeste, Rory and him - almost freakishly so.
"Are you sleepy yet, buddy?" Logan asked as he looked at Finny, stroking his soft cheek with the back of his index finger.
"He doesn't look tired yet," Lorelai commented, knowingly, moving to Logan's side to observe the baby as well. Lorelai was smitten with Finny, because excluding the blonde lock of hair, he did look a lot like he could've been hers - a second kid that she never got to have.
"Yeah, I figured. But there seems to be this fine line between tired and overtired, I've made that mistake more than once by now," Logan replied with a slight chuckle.
"You'll get the hang of it! You've been certainly spending a lot of time with him," Lorelai assured, the latter resembling a compliment. Logan as a father had, so far, proved to be of completely different nature than Christopher, but to Christophers defence there was the age factor of course. Lorelai had nevertheless half expected Logan to just fall into his parent's pattern - put work first - but clearly he hadn't, and she had to admit she was a little impressed.
"Yeah, it's been kind of great actually," Logan admitted. "I haven't had any time off like this in years. Even during holidays it's always been some level of mingling, keeping up appearances, keeping an eye on what's going on in the office. But when I am with him it's just him and me. It's exhausting - but it's a different kind of exhaustion, nothing like after a day at work," Logan explained smilingly.
"It really is," Lorelai sighed, holding Finny's fingers as his blue eyes observed her, recalling what it had been like for her all those years ago.
"Hey little guy, are you feeling hungry?" Rory said as she emerged through the sliding door from outside, shedding Logan's coat onto an adjacent armchair. It was as if she'd gained a rush of energy from outside, her cheeks red from the cold and wind. Her breasts were a little achy already, usually a pretty good indication of when he might be hungry.
"I'll go take that back to the foyer," Logan said as he gestured at the jacket, handing Finny to Rory, knowing how Emily, while significantly more relaxed that she had once been, was about misplaced items, and with Emily having gone grocery shopping with Berta that afternoon, he wanted to also show his best behavior, of being not spoilt to the bone, also to Lorelai.
"Brr.. it was freezing outside," Rory exclaimed, making a funny face to Finny, whom she had now placed on her knees, worrying a little whether her hands were too cold for him. Thankfully in his cosy merino wool onesie Finny didn't seem to mind.
"Then why not take your calls inside?" Lorelai laughed, feeling uncertain, obviously curious to what she'd been talking about.
Rory considered briefly what to reply - she could say that the conversation was a little sensitive, but then she would ask details, and she wasn't ready to dive into that with her. Sure, she could've gone to their room, but she hadn't bothered, a breath of fresh air despite the cold, seeming rather refreshing after almost a full day inside with Finny and two of the Gilmore women.
"Listen... Would you be willing to take Finny tonight?" Rory asked after a brief pause, after taking a deep breath, as she heard Logan return. It took a lot from her, and in more ways than one. She was giving her a chance, trying to look past former offences, and she was going to try to have some one-on-one time with Logan. She just hoped Logan wasn't getting his hopes too high as he'd heard it, almost not daring to look at him yet.
Rory had called Celeste for a pep-talk, which Celeste had gladly given her using quite unconventional and forthcoming methods, reminding her what a thrill some romance can be by the example of her recent adventures with Jess in Stars Hollow. Celeste was pushing her comfort zone in a good way, the fact that Celeste's upbringing had clearly been much less secretive when it came to sex, an European approach you could say, clearly shone through, no topic being off limits. And frankly, it was refreshing to Rory as well, having never really had a close girlfriend like that, who didn't get tongue-tied at the thought, excluding Paris, who would go straight for the anatomy and statistics. Sure, she'd always sort of talked about these things with Lorelai, but not in as much detail or with such ease.
"I'd love to, Rory," Lorelai exhaled, almost getting teary eyes as a result. This was about so much more than just babysitting for half a night - it was a glimmer of hope.
While Rory's eyes were still glued on Finny, she could already sense a weak smile on Logan's face who'd sat next to her.
"And then I told him he could just toss his Striped bass back in the ocean if he thought it was fresh to see if it still swam," Emily said, finishing telling everybody about her afternoon outing to the market, as she sat at the dinner table. Luke had already driven back to Stars Hollow, to let Caesar have some holiday as well, and now it was only the four of them and Finny.
"And this is why we're having chicken," Lorelai noted with a tad of sarcasm, biting onto some green beans.
"But what fine chicken it is," Rory commented on a more positive note, after swallowing a bite of the creamy pesto chicken, while Logan entertained Finny who was lounging in a recliner. Logan was eating one handedly, taking turns with Rory.
"So Logan, how's your family doing?" Emily asked, having avoided the topic for a couple of days. She knew it wasn't perhaps the most polite thing to do, but knowing that Logan wasn't a big fan of his parents either, she figured he probably wouldn't mind.
"Honor's great, the kids are growing up fast - Conrad is starting school already. Josh is considering taking a job in Frankfurt, but he'll have to do some convincing if he really wants to do that," Logan began.
"Frankfurt is lovely in the spring," Emily recalled from her travels.
"It truly is," Logan replied, having spent a lot of time in Germany himself.
"And you father?" she asked, cutting up her chicken.
"He's back in Connecticut and he's really trying to take his retirement seriously - golfing and enjoying his car collection," Logan replied, not bothering to mention that Mitchum was also enjoying spending his time with a number of beautiful women, half his age. "And Shira," he began, anticipating Emily's next question. "She's in Knightsbridge, seems pretty content there," he added. He didn't really know what she did with her time - but he supposed Chardonnay and Xanax were a big part of her day.
"Logan, why don't you let me take Finny, so you can eat in peace," Lorelai suggested having finished her food. Logan didn't object, as she moved the recliner to the other side of the table.
"You never told me the story with that name, you know," Emily said, taking a sip of her wine. She didn't like the nickname - it seeming a little flaky. And it had always seemed a little peculiar to her that it was Finn Richard not the other way around, but she didn't take it as an offence either - it was their son after all not hers.
"Grandma, you've met Finn Morgan, haven't you?" Rory said, pondering if they had indeed forgotten to introduce them.
"Of course I've met him, but he must've done something significant to deserve an honor like that," Emily explained.
"Well..." Logan exhaled, gathering his thoughts and words.
"The short version is that he's always been the friend to have our backs, our voice of reason and I guess he just got through to us just in time," Rory jumped in. Finn had not been on Logan's side, or hers, he had been on their side, as a couple.
"We might not be here if it wasn't for him," Logan added, squeezing Rory's hand on the table. They'd done the math, and they were fairly certain Finny would have still been there, but their path to this moment would've been a whole lot more complicated if Logan had gone through with the wedding to Odette if Finn hadn't flown her to London in time. That was all speculation - he could've still bailed on the wedding himself, but he couldn't be sure of that, his own mind being a blur those few days. He was just glad it had gone how it had.
"Plenty of reason right there," Lorelai replied, glancing at the two, trying to show her support. She tried too hard sometimes.
"That certainly deserves some recognition," Emily commented. "I simply wishing Finn Morgan was a tad more exemplary as a man in his personal life," she added and took a sip of wine.
That was something neither of them could argue with, but that was Finn and they wouldn't change him for anyone.
Logan was sitting up in bed, reading the last few chapters of The Idiot, as Rory emerged through the door opening towards the sunroom, the baby monitor in hand, having just fed Finny the last time that evening. Lorelai had promised to turn the baby monitor on on her side after 3 AM, so Rory would come and feed him herself. Lorelai had a bottle of pumped milk at hand, if he needed it until then.
Rory was still feeling hesitant about what was to come, as the first time they'd tried this - hadn't exactly gone well. She hated being the one to draw the brakes, and she hated to get his hopes up. But she needed to do something. It wasn't as if she'd not paid him any attention over the past few months - but it hadn't been with the former enthusiasm or mutual desire and that worried her. The statistics of marriages that broke during the first year, especially with a baby, worried her.
She headed for the bathroom to shower, Finny having thrown up a little on her just minutes earlier, wanting to get the milk smell off of her. Perhaps without that she might almost feel like herself. She took her time, brushing her hair and teeth, moisturizing her skin with lotion. When she returned, Logan had already turned off the light on his side of the bed and put his book away, making her briefly wonder if he'd actually gone to sleep. While horizontal, she could see he hadn't.
She turned on the her bedside lamp, before switching off the lights in the bathroom that had illuminated the room before and climbed into bed in her white slip nightdress - it beat the nursing tops she usually wore, but it wasn't exactly 'come and get it' style either.
"We don't have to do anything you know," Logan assured, placing his arm around her waist. That was certainly not what she'd expected to hear and she gave him a puzzled stare.
"Logan...," she said with a frown.
"I mean it," Logan replied. "I'm just happy to have alone time with you," he added. And he was. Sure, he was horny too, but it was nothing he couldn't survive, and he'd never be that desperate to want to hurt her.
"I don't like this tension, this fear of this, I want to get past this... I want it to feel like us again," Rory explained.
Logan got what she meant - they'd been missing a lot of the closeness, not just the sex. It was about having the time to connect - a simple touch, a kiss, a glance.
"Then we take things slow," he said, and while that sounded perhaps just as a means to get into a girl's pants, he really did mean it. "But Rory?" he began.
"Yeah?" she replied, hearing too well that he'd called her Rory instead of Ace.
"I need you to tell me, show me what you want - what is okay, okay?" Logan said. Getting turned down stung, taking the fun out of the trying.
"I love you," Rory said, stroking the back of his hair. She moved closer to him, hesitantly planting a soft kiss on his bottom lip, slightly parting her lips. It wasn't a kiss that deep, not one filled with that kind of passion that they'd had, but it was pure, familiar, making them vulnerable to each other again. The kiss parted, but she stayed close to him, staring into his eyes.
"Do you know which one was my favourite kiss, from the time when we first started dating?" Logan asked.
"Emm...," Rory pondered. "No, but I'm sure you're about to tell me," she replied innocently.
"Remember that time I climbed through your dorm window?" Logan asked, knowing he was pushing it a little, both of them recalling far too well what that had led up to. But he was planning on keeping his promise - taking things as slow as she needed them to go.
"That was a pretty swift move," Rory commented. "Was it really the first time you'd ever done that? Because it really didn't seem like it," she added, critically.
"Now I'm offended! You didn't believe me?" Logan chuckled.
"And I fell for your charms anyways," Rory replied.
"Because it really was," he felt the need to defend himself.
"Well, it definitely had that certain something... You know, like a balcony wooing scene," Rory noted.
"Well, good," he replied. "But do you know what I liked about that kiss? And, no, I don't even mean what came after," Logan added.
"That I'd brushed my teeth already?" Rory teased, getting a scolding look from Logan in return.
"It was the first time I really felt something. First I kept telling myself it was nothing, but it scared the living crap out of me, hence the disappearance act some weeks later. I didn't know what to do with myself... And I know I was an idiot about it. But that kiss.. I just won't ever forget that," Logan described. Understanding his feelings had never been a simple and straightforward task for him, choosing often the least appropriate methods for dealing with them. And with her, he really wished he could somehow undo some of those mistakes that these struggles had caused.
Rory was a little impressed by that revelation, never quite having thought of it like that. She'd always thought he had been able to compartmentalize so well - just been busy, or busy with other girls and forgotten about her. Her eyes just observed him, pondering about that time. Would she have noticed it now that she knew him better? Could she already have spoken up earlier if she had noticed?
Logan traced her cheek with the back of her finger, holding her chin to kiss her again. He slowly moved his lips to the corner of her slightly parted mouth, his tongue touching gently the space in between. He drew back to look at her, seeing her eyes open, her gaze a little clouded. She kissed him right back, parting his lips with hers, softly touching his tongue with hers. God - how she'd missed this, forgetting herself like this - feeling that jolt of fluttering in her gut that had been out for so long. His hand had been stroking the small of her back but now her upper hand placed it a little lower - her way to telling him that it was okay. She felt it was too soon to make promises, but she wanted to try.
Her hand returned to his neck, her fingers digging into the back of his hair, knowing how he loved when she massaged his scalp like that. As she did that, his lips trailed onto her neck, nuzzling into her scent. Her eyes had fallen shut, head pushed back, allowing him to devour her. His hands were caressing her thighs, having to remind himself to slow down. He knew she could probably already feel his growing arousal, half-hoping that she didn't yet. He ached, throbbed, desired her - but it wasn't about just getting laid, it was about having her back. It felt like an impossible situation - wanting it all and wanting to hold back at the same time.
Logan continued to kiss her clavicle as she surprised him, her hand moving from the back of his neck down his chest to his groin, stroking his hot shaft a few times. Now she definitely knew how badly he wanted her. It hadn't been quite what he'd had in mind, but next her lips trailed down his chest to take over what her hands had been doing. But he was defenceless, certainly not going to object, his low groan speaking for himself.
Rory 's tongue flicked him, tantalizing him mercilessly, pleasure mixing with frustration. She observed his reaction as she continued, gentle licks alternating with engulfing him whole. He didn't want this to be it, he didn't want this to be just about him, and surely he wouldn't let it be, but he knew how easy it would've been for her to just do him and go to bed, like she'd done before. This was more about her than him.
"Rory," he murmured, urging her to ease her ministrations by pulling her up. After kissing her once more, he trailed his hands over her waist to her thighs again, looking at her attentively to see if she objected, as his fingers travelled up her camisole. She was definitely more wet than she'd been last time, but he wasn't taking any chances, his kisses trailing over her dress downwards. His lips found the warm smooth flesh on her inner thigh, kissing it softly, craving her sweetness. His tongue moved up and down her labia, first gently then with more strength. Her hands were in the back of his hair again, and with the way her fingers caressed his neck now, she was clearly enjoying this, her whimpers quiet, rather leaving her lips in the form of deep exhales. That alone was cause for excitement. He continued to tease, knowing how she used to like it, but waited for a que to try anything more.
"Logan?" she whispered, to get his eyes to meet hers a few minutes later. He returned to her level, her lips tasting his.
"You okay?" he asked.
She pushed him to his back, climbing to straddle him, wanting to have control of this. There was a certain determination in her face, which he kind of wished hadn't been there - that determination that always wasn't the best thing for her. But he felt unable to tell her 'no' - not because of himself, but because of her and how much she needed to get over the fear. Assuring himself, that it was going to be okay, he observed her beautiful form, gently caressing her hips as she slowly let his tip slide across her sex. At least that part she loved by the looks of her. She bent down to kiss him once more, as if a kiss for good luck. Rory positioned herself better, gently sliding him into herself, letting out a slight whimper. He couldn't quite tell if it was the good kind, making him hesitant for a moment. But as she continued to move he could feel that she certainly was a lot more ready than during their last attempt. She did feel different, but he wasn't sure how to describe that - not better or worse, just different and amazing nonetheless. She rode him steadily, taking her time, while reading his face, his eyes falling shut and his head pushed back, knowing he was close not much later, adding a bit of speed. As he erupted inside of her, she smiled - as if having won something, and climbed off, landing to her side next to him. He panted in afterglow, a broad smile on his face that soon diminished as he looked at her.
"You didn't..?" he asked, confusedly. That had never happened before, not with her.
"It's okay," Rory replied, humbly, stroking his chest with her palm.
"You want me to..?" Logan suggested, but as he was unsure for her reasons he didn't really know what to suggest.
"I'm good for now," she said, assuringly. He could see she meant that and he wasn't going to push it.
"Did it hurt?" he inquired with genuine concern, feeling like he should be doing something to rectify this.
"A little, but way better than last time," she replied with a sigh. "I just was too worried, I think," she added apologetically.
"I'm sorry," he replied, turning and kissing her temple.
"But it's good, really, I know now that it's not impossible - I know that I can enjoy this again. It's going to take time, but I'll get there," she assured.
"Next time, it's all about you, okay?" Logan promised, feeling a little guilty, as he ran his fingers through her hair.
"Sure," she replied humbly, snuggling into his chest as he held her. It was a step forward at least.
Rory woke at 4.35 AM with a sudden realization that her boobs felt rock-hard. The 6 hours of sleep had been vital, but now she was worried. Had she missed his feeding? Had Lorelai forgotten to turn on the baby monitor?
She quickly scrambled out of bed, hastily pulling on her underwear and leggings, wrapping her oversized grey sweater around her, and snuck out of the bedroom. The house was quiet, almost too quiet. The stairs squeaked a little as she headed upstairs.
Lorelai's room was second on the left. She peeked into Lorelai's room, seeing a dim table light on in the corner of the room. Her mother slept peacefully, still in her sweats, Finny asleep, just the same, in the baby nest besides her on the king size bed.
"Hey," she shook her mother's shoulder gently.
"What?" Lorelai asked confusedly, thankfully at a much lower tone than she usually would if being woken this early.
"Has he eaten?" Rory asked.
"No, not since 11" she replied, as she pushed herself up to sit.
"Do you think I should wake him? It's been a while," Rory pondered, sounding a little worried. He'd never gone this long without eating before.
Lorelai could see that she must've been feeling the tension, the small leaks on her nightgown showing clearly why she was up.
"Give him a few minutes, I'm sure he'll wake soon. It took me a while to get him settled, but I'm sure he's just tired," Lorelai assured. "But hey, it's the first time he slept a full 5 hours, isn't it?" she added on an optimistic note.
"Yeah, it is," Rory replied.
"It's a start," Lorelai commented, adding, "expect setbacks... but still," realistically.
"Did he cry a lot?" she asked.
"No, just took us a bit to find a good rythm. He liked when I stroked his nose," Lorelai added.
"Good," Rory sighed with relief.
They sat there like that for a few minutes, observing the little baby, the movement of any of his tiny muscles almost alerting Rory that he was about to wake.
"I'm really happy for you, you know - for having him and that you have Logan by your side," Lorelai said after a while.
"Thanks, it means a lot," she replied, hesitantly. It really did mean a lot, a lot more than Lorelai would probably understand.
About the third time Finny's nose wrinkled he let out a quiet whimper along with it, and Rory pulled him to her chest with urgency.
"You should go back to sleep," Rory said to Lorelai, knowing how grumpy she got without her sleep, as she settled into an armchair in the corner of the room, furthest from the light. She let out a deep sigh of relief as he latched on, releasing the pressure that had built up.
Lorelai didn't reply, but laid down on the bed, her eyes still observing her daughter in her new role, before drifting off to sleep.