LOUIS
Louis felt nervous about leaving the country without his kids. And yes, they were only taking the train to France, which was a 2 hour journey, but it was still nerve wracking to know Leah and Flynn were going to be without either parent.
"Are you okay?" Harry asked after they had already sat down on their train seats, but were waiting for it to go.
"Yeah" Louis sighed, and rested his head on Harry's shoulder "Just thinking about our babies".
"I miss them too, but I think it will be good for us to spend time alone" Harry pointed out as he held Louis' hand.
"Yeah, I know" Louis smiled "We deserve it".
"We absolutely do" Harry confirmed.
The journey was very nice, and before they knew it, they were in Paris, where Louis had only been once, many years ago. It took them a while to get to their hotel, but once they did and they were shown to their room, the first thing Louis did was kick off his shoes and lay down on the bed.
"I'm exhausted" Louis claimed.
"I thought you were hungry" Harry pointed out.
"That too" Louis pouted.
It was pretty late, almost 10 PM, and they had only eaten snacks, not proper dinner.
"I'm gonna go wash up and we can go out to find somewhere to have dinner" Harry suggested.
"Okay, babe" Louis agreed as he put his hand on his belly, as he felt the baby move in there.
"Are you alright?" Harry questioned.
"Yeah, she's just moving" Louis smiled.
Harry smiled back, and after he came out of the bathroom, it was Louis' turn, and then they went out. Luckily they found a restaurant open that was close to the hotel, and they had a lovely dinner, and when they got back to their hotel room, they just went straight to sleep.
The next morning, they woke up early, and decided to go out sightseeing, but taking it easy as it was a very hot day and Louis was pregnant, so he couldn't over heat.
They stopped their morning sightseeing to have lunch at a nice bistro, where the food was delicious, and so were the desserts. After they finished, Louis did one last toilet trip while Harry paid the bill, so they could continue their sightseeing for the day.
Louis checked his phone as he came out of the toilet, and realized he had an email from the lab where he worked, and the subject said it was the results of the apprenticeship application.
His stomach tightened with nerves, and he hesitated for a moment before he opened the email, thinking maybe this wasn't the moment to open it. But curiosity won over and he clicked on it, and started reading.
'Dear Mr Tomlinson,
Thank you for your application. However, we regret to inform you that you have not been selected...'
That's all Louis needed to read to know he hadn't gotten it, and he felt like crying, actually, a few tears gathered in his eyes, but he blinked them away. Then he took a deep breath, put his phone away, and went back to his husband.
"Ready to go?" Harry smiled as he got up.
"Yeah" Louis nodded, and tried to smile, but failed at it.
"Alright, next stop the Arc de Triomphe" Harry announced.
"Uhm... can we go to the hotel instead?" Louis asked, because he didn't want to sightsee anymore.
"But you said a minute ago you wanted to go see the Arc de Triomphe" Harry frowned.
"I don't want to anymore!" Louis replied, and it came out harsher than he thought, but he didn't care.
"Is everything okay?" Harry frowned.
"I'm just tired" Louis replied, and walked away to the direction of the door.
Harry caught up to him as he walked out of the restaurant, and he put his arm around his waist and walked with him, but he didn't say anything, which Louis appreciated.
"Is Hazel making you tired?" Harry asked a few minutes into the walk.
"Mhmm" Louis hummed, but it wasn't true.
The second trimester had always felt great for Louis, and this time wasn't the exception. And he knew he shouldn't lie to Harry, but he knew that if he told him what had happened, he was going to cry, and he didn't want to do that in the middle of the street.
"It's like a 40 minute walk to the hotel from here, do you want to take the subway?" Harry offered.
"Okay" Louis replied.
"Alright, babe".
They did that mostly in silence, and when they finally reached the hotel, Louis kicked off his shoes, and laid down on the bed, feeling thankful for the a/c, but also feeling very sad.
"Does this feel better?" Harry asked as he sat on the bed, and he very softly stroked Louis' hair away from his face.
"No" Louis replied with a pout.
"Does something hurt?" Harry wondered, and he sounded concerned, so Louis shook his head "Do you feel you're dehydrated or something?".
"No" Louis denied again.
"Then what is it?" Harry questioned.
"I didn't get the apprenticeship" Louis said, and immediately tears gathered in his eyes.
"Oh, baby" Harry sighed "I'm sorry".
"I really wanted it".
"I know" Harry nodded "But there will be other opportunities, love".
"No there won't" Louis said dramatically.
"Baby, there are plenty of apprenticeship opportunities in London, and there's also loads of Unis and institutes, and any type of school you want to go to" Harry told him.
"But none of them will take me" Louis said, and he knew he sounded childish.
"Don't say that, you know it's not true" Harry told him "You're smart and hard working, and that will pay off".
Louis sighed dramatically, and just let his husband comfort him, and eventually he fell asleep.
When he opened his eyes again, he turned around and saw Harry was laying on the bed next to him, and he was sleeping over the bed covers, though he had a book in his hand, which meant he had fallen asleep reading. Harry looked so beautiful when he slept, well, Harry was always beautiful, Louis always thought he was the most handsome man in the world.
"Babe" Louis whispered as he stroked Harry's cheek softly.
"Hey" Harry said as his eyes fluttered open "Are you feeling better?".
"Yeah" Louis admitted as he cuddled into his husband's body "I think maybe this was fate telling me this wasn't the right time to do this, and I need to focus on my pregnancy right now".
"Maybe, but whenever you decide you want to try something again, just tell me and we'll figure it out together" Harry told him.
"I will" Louis smiled "Thank you".
Louis decided not to think about this topic anymore after that day, because he didn't want to ruin his honeymoon with it, as he didn't want to look back to it and remember that was all that had been in his mind that week.
They spent 2 more days in Paris, and then they went to the south of France, to be able to spend some days at the beach, and it was incredible. But when Sunday came, they had to go back home to London, where their kids were waiting for them.
As a few weeks went by, Louis came to realize that married life wasn't different at all from what they were used to, so adapting to it took no effort at all. What did take an effort was to function in their flat now that Flynn was getting bigger, and soon they would add another baby to that space.
"We need to find a new home" Louis said to Harry after he put Flynn to bed that night, and he sat next to Harry on the couch.
"I've been telling you that for months" Harry reminded him.
"I know, but now we really need to do it" Louis said.
"The question is where".
"Well, obviously a bigger flat" Louis replied.
"A flat, not a house?" Harry wondered.
"I mean... a house would be nice, but in this neighborhood or near it? It's definitely out of our budget".
They had more than enough money for a bigger flat now that Harry had sold the flat he inherited from his aunt. Although they had spent some of the money from it on the wedding and the honeymoon, it was still enough to get them a nice flat, besides, they also had to sell the flat where they lived (although good out part of that money would go to pay the mortgage Harry had on it).
"We could move to a different neighborhood, one that's more affordable" Harry considered
"But you always say how much you love it here" Louis pointed out.
"I know, but a house might be better for the kids, they'd have more space and a backyard to play..." Harry considered.
"That makes sense, but the daily commute would be longer, and we don't have a car, so...".
"Do you want to stay around here?" Harry just asked.
"Honestly? Yes" Louis confirmed "I really love it here, I'm used to the neighborhood, our friends live close by, the park is close enough to take the kids there, it's not that far away from our jobs..."
"Okay, I'm glad, because I want to stay around here too" Harry said looking relived.
"Then why did you suggest we move somewhere else?" Louis laughed.
"Because maybe you wanted that..." Harry shrugged.
"You're silly" Louis said feeling endeared, and gave him a kiss "I love you".
"I love you too" Harry smiled "So when do we start looking for a new flat around here?".
"Now" Louis said, and got up to get his laptop, which he had been using before to buy some things online.
They sat together for over an hour looking for options, and although they found a couple, they didn't quite convince them, but they still sent emails to ask for viewings, knowing that they needed to start somewhere.
But by the time July came, they still hadn't found anything they liked, and Louis started to worry, because he was going to give birth in October, and he had been hoping they would find a place before that, but it didn't seem likely. Because at the same time, buying a new flat was a big decision, so they didn't want to do it unless they were both 100% convinced.
That Tuesday they had been very hopeful when they went to see a flat that looked very nice in pictures, but they didn't like it at all in person. It had been on the ground floor and had a bad humidity smell, which Louis just knew could only get worse in winter, so there was no way they would live there.
So that night, after the kids were in bed, and while Harry took out Otto for a walk, Louis spent a while looking online for more flats on sale, but he didn't find anything that they hadn't see before.
Louis heard the front door of the flat, but Harry didn't come to the bedroom until at least 15 minutes later, and he seemed deep in thought.
"Everything okay?" Louis asked his husband.
Harry looked at him, and gave him a little smile.
"Yes" Harry confirmed "I'm going to get ready for bed".
Louis knew his husband, so he knew that there was something in his mind, but he waited until Harry got in bed to talk about it, knowing sometimes Harry needed a bit of time to process some things.
"Are you worried about us not finding a flat yet?" Louis wondered as he turned to his side when Harry got in bed.
"No" Harry denied and turned to his side too, so he was facing Louis "It's not like we're homeless, this flat might be a bit tight for all of us, but it's our home".
"It is" Louis smiled as he very gently brushed Harry's hair back with his fingers.
"I like it when you do that" Harry said as he closed his eyes.
"I know" Louis smiled as he kept doing the same thing "You're my fourth baby, aren't you?".
"Yeah" Harry replied and he got closer to him.
Louis kissed his forehead and continued stroking his hair gently, loving to see how relaxed Harry looked after looking worried before.
"Lou?" Harry asked, and opened his eyes.
"Yes?" Louis asked back.
"I've been thinking about visiting my parents and my sister's graves" Harry declared.
"That sounds nice" Louis replied, because for as long as he had known Harry, he had never visited his family at the cemetery.
"Yes, but... would you do that with me?" Harry questioned.
"Of course I would" Louis said right away.
"It's all the way in Holmes Chapel, though" Harry considered.
"I figured" Louis replied "We can make a weekend trip out of it? With the kids?".
"Yes, I'd like that" Harry confirmed.
"How long has it been since you last visited them?" Louis asked curiously.
"Over 25 years... the last time I went was when I was still living there" Harry explained.
"Why didn't you ever go back?" Louis wondered.
"My aunt never took me back after I moved to London with her" Harry explained.
"But what about all the years after?" Louis asked.
"I guess I felt... ashamed".
"Ashamed of what? Being gay?" Louis asked carefully.
"No, no" Harry shook his head "I don't think they would have minded that I'm gay".
"Then why?" asked Louis.
Harry took a deep breath, but then didn't say anything for a while.
"There's something I never told you about myself, it happened a long time ago, when I was 16, so it's not relevant to who I am now, or to our relationship or our kids, that's why I've never told you"
"Okay..." Louis said feeling confused.
"Niall told me once that I should tell you, but I didn't see the point" Harry continued "But now that we're married I think maybe you should know, you should know everything about me".
"I would like that".
"I..." Harry started, and hesitated as he looked down "I tried to take my own life".
"Oh, babe..." Louis said, and held him closer.
He had never in a million years expected those words to come out of Harry's mouth, he was literally shocked.
"Like I said, it was a long time ago, and it's not something I would even think about now".
"But you must have been in so much pain back then if you tried to do that" Louis said softly.
"I was in pain, and I was also very angry at the world, and I didn't see the point of anything" Harry explained "But I think it was mostly a cry for attention".
"You wanted your aunt's attention?"
"Yes" Harry confirmed "But unsurprisingly, not even almost dying got me attention, all she did after it happened was put me in therapy".
"I hate that woman so much" Louis shook his head "And I wish so bad that I would have known you then, so I could've given you all the love you deserved".
"Trust me, you wouldn't have wanted to know me, I was an asshole back then" Harry scoffed.
"To be fair, you were still an asshole when I met you" Louis said with a little smile "So I bet I would've been able to get through teenage Harry and give him so much love".
"Maybe..." Harry admitted.
"I'm sorry you went through that, babe, I can't even imagine" Louis said and tighten his arm around Harry.
"It's okay, it's something I put behind me a long time ago".
"Did you? Because if it's what's been stopping you from visiting your parents..." Louis considered.
"Well, I've been over it for a long time in the sense that it's something I would never try to do again, specially now that I have you and I have our kids, but for a long time I still felt ashamed for what I did... or almost did" Harry explained, and his voice sounded sad "My parents gave me life, and then when them and my sister lost their lives, I survived for some reason, so I felt ashamed and ungrateful for what I did, it's like I got that second chance that they didn't and I tried to throw it away".
"Baby..." Louis sighed "You were in pain, and you felt alone and you were so young, you just made a mistake, you shouldn't bear yourself up about it all these years later".
"I know, and I don't, at least not anymore" Harry explained "Being a dad to Leah and Flynn made me realize that no matter what they do, what mistakes they make when they're older, I will always love them unconditionally, and I think that's how my parents loved me".
"I'm sure they did, baby" Louis smiled "And they would be so proud of who you are, you have a great career, you're the best husband, the best dad, and you are just an amazing person overall".
"I think you might be bias" Harry smiled back.
"I'm not" Louis denied "Trust me".
"I do trust you" Harry replied.
"We'll make the trip to Holmes Chapel soon, then?" Louis asked.
"Yes".
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A.N. I'm so sorry for the long wait, I've been pretty busy during this past month, but now things have settled down.
What did you think about Louis not getting the apprenticeship?
And what do you think about what Harry told Louis? I had hinted at it a while ago and some people guessed it...
Thank you for reading, this book is almost over!
Xoxo