Alver knew a whole new level of anxiety over the following two months.
Cale had yet to reply to either letter and silence from Cale normally meant something bad. Although no matter how he prodded his informants in the area, none had anything significant to say about the young master.
Well, aside from the increased amount of time he spent shopping in the city and the visit he paid to young master Eric Wheelsman.
Somehow that information didn't offer Alver any comfort whatsoever. Cale had not found the time or inclination to reply but he had all the time in the world to spend with Eric and some shady shopkeeper.
Alver couldn't explain why the thought was so disconcerting. It was good for Cale to have other friends and he ought not feel so possessive merely because Cale was his first and only friend. Sometimes he regretted that he hadn't pursued opportunities for other friendships. As much as he currently couldn't feel anything positive towards the shopkeeper, he knew that he had an easy chemistry with Roksu. He was an easy person to talk to. However, he'd been in disguise and it was best to limit Bob's personal connections to zero. It wasn't a friendship that could go anywhere.
And of course there had been other people Alver could have pursued for companionship. People he enjoyed talking with. People he liked spending time with.
No one was quite like Cale though. Perhaps it was because their relationship had been so turbulent but Alver felt that singular friendship was utterly irreplaceable.
So of course he made an attempt to replace it now that Cale wasn't contacting him. Mostly he did so with work. But his most recent distraction was training.
His personal guard, a youthful swordsman who'd followed him obediently for nearly a year now, made for a surprisingly good sparring partner. He wasn't just impressively strong and capable but he was always quick to point out Alver's errors and offered quite good advice for fixing them.
It emptied his thoughts of everything but improving. The guard was reserved but surprisingly affable. Alver knew he couldn't befriend a guard or really any of his retainers but he felt that if he were to break that taboo, Han would be a good friend.
The thought alone was enough to comfort Alver to the extent that he felt the need for a friend diminish inside of him.
Strangely the need for Cale didn't diminish though.
"Rest."
Alver blinked in surprise at the sudden command. Han lowered his sword and fixed the prince with a stare that appeared to see a whole lot more than Alver was comfortable with anyone noticing about him. It was unusual for Han to end training early though so Alver found himself sitting obediently.
Han sat beside him, an unusual gesture from the swordsman. Alver was suddenly struck by the knowledge that he hadn't ever seen Han outside of a standing up position, usually standing to attention.
Alver couldn't help but worry over the sudden change in behavior but he kept the worries to himself, lapsing into a silence as he rested as requested.
The aches in his body made themselves known and Alver felt that he knew the reason behind Han's sudden change. He really had been pushing himself too hard this time. It was just that his thoughts drifted more and more towards the Henituse territory of late and a part of him was tempted to just teleport over and see for himself.
A ludicrous idea and one that he was overworking himself in an attempt to forget about.
Apparently he was also over-training himself.
Alver let out a sigh and leaned back onto his hands, bringing his gaze up to the ceiling of the training room.
Han was the first guard he'd selected for himself that wasn't among his inner circle. He'd picked Han for a variety of reasons but mostly because he looked young and naive. Alver thought it was interesting that someone who appeared so harmless was among the top swordsmen in the kingdom. He'd quickly learned that Han was a capable guard but an even more capable worrywart. Whereas other guards hardly noticed when or if Alver snuck out, Han had an unerring talent for finding out in almost no time at all. If Alver wasn't careful, Han could catch up to him too.
Sometimes it felt more like having a personal hired stalker than a guard. Perhaps that's what a guard was supposed to be. Alver derived equal parts comfort and discomfort from Han's loyalty. He wasn't used to it but it wasn't unpleasant.
The idea that someone other than his aunt would miss him if he was gone held a certain appeal as well.
None of that meant that he trusted Han though. It was tough to say if Alver had anyone that he truly trusted. The only person who would even be in the running would be his aunt and even then, Alver had a bad habit of keeping people close to him at arm's length.
It was strange how he thought about Cale in times like this. His relationship to Cale hardly had anything to do with trust.
Still, despite not trusting Han or even allowing himself the idea of befriending him, Alver found himself filling the silence with thoughts that he hadn't yet shared with anyone.
"I'm becoming impatient." Alver didn't like the taste of the words and so he continued. "It's making it difficult for me to focus."
Han seemed to think his words over carefully before he offered a reply. "Are you doing what you can?"
Alver frowned at the question. Han was among those who saw how hard he worked and knew Alver did far more than just what he can do, he was stretching his limits and making the unachievable into the achievable. It was hardly a deficiency within him that these matters take time and time wasn't moving fast enough for him.
As though sensing his discomfort or perhaps because it was always his intention, Han continued. "It's not my place to say but when I look at your highness, I see hesitation."
Like a slap to the face.
Alver chuckled. He couldn't help it. He was reminded of Cale terribly at that moment and the desire to talk to him only grew.
He was grateful to Han. Not only for the clarifying metaphorical slap but for the sudden realization of why he appreciated Cale's friendship so much. He just liked being brought out of his comfort zone. That was all there was to it. Alver could satisfactorily manage that on his own.
The part of his heart, the one he'd been ignoring for a while now, professed that he needed Cale but really he just needed to get a 'slap' here and there.
It really didn't occur to Alver that perhaps he liked the 'slap' because it reminded him of Cale and not that he liked Cale for the 'slap'. Despite his age and maturity, Alver still had a lot of stilted interpersonal growth to catch up on.
However, regardless of his foolhardy misunderstanding, Alver did feel some of the anxiety inside of him fade.
Han was correct. He was hesitating. There was certainly more he could do to smooth over the situation and instead he was sitting here waiting impatiently for the solution to magically appear. Truly, in times like these he felt that Cale was the better person. Bravely facing his anxieties and doing absolutely everything he could do.
Alver was a cautious person. He'd learned to live cautiously because his life did depend upon it and so he didn't gamble on situations with uneasy odds.
However Cale would place his whole life on the scales and glare at the dealer as though daring them to rig the game.
It wasn't that Cale was reckless or impulsive. He was just a very decided person. Once he'd decided upon something it was unlikely that even the god's could stop him. He seemed like the sort of person who if killed would reverse time just to change the results. The sort of crazy bastard who wouldn't hesitate to gamble it all just for a chance.
And Alver hesitated to send just one letter.
Alver patted Han on the back and stood up. He appreciated the guard's tact. Han might appear naive and obtuse but he was far more observant that Alver had given him credit for.
–
It boggled the mind.
Cale returned to the estate exhausted and puzzled. His latest purchase from a reliably money-grubbing shopkeeper in one hand and a feeling of befuddlement in the other.
Of course he didn't let any of this show on his face. He'd re-evaluated his cursing tantrums and reflected that he would need a far more villainous persona to truly achieve his goals. An angry brat might just grow up and learn better but an incurable scumbag was insidiously persistent. Cale had even selected a character model for his new iteration on bad person as he was the worst person Cale had ever come into contact with.
And so Cale had adopted an aura that exuded malice and arrogance. One where he might not be currently choosing to pay those around him any mind but should he choose to, the resulting cruelty was sure to be violent and merciless.
To make it believable he'd found the worst person who worked within the estate, an unassuming looking tutor who secretly relished in punishing his students, and he'd thrown a vase dangerously close to the bastard's skull.
This had a double benefit as the bastard quickly submitted his resignation after only a few days being menaced and insulted by Cale and now Cale didn't notice Basen favoring his left foot quite as much.
He really needed to work harder. If they accepted Basen as a Henituse then they wouldn't dare show him such discourtesy. Cale's goals solidified inside of his heart. Basen was still too meek to properly assert himself and still too weak to endure the attention of the extended family.
Cale would attract it all.
In his eyes it wasn't an act of selflessness or even kindness. It was what had to be done. Cale would accept nothing less when it came to protecting his siblings. Especially now that Lily was here as well. Cale's legitimacy within the family would naturally fall as the relic of an old marriage but Basen who didn't have Deruth's blood in his veins was at serious risk of being the target of all criticism.
Cale wouldn't allow it.
All of this was correct and clear in Cale's mind and didn't require even a moment's thought. In at least one specific way he was absolutely positive about how his life ought to be led and about who he was.
He was the bastard who would make sure that the entirety of the kingdom criticized him if that was what it took.
The issue that befuddled him as he stalked the halls towards his room, causing mild terror to the occassional servant who caught sight of him, was much more complicated and difficult to understand.
Four.
Over the course of the past two, nearly three, months Cale had hunted down four different alpha's using the information and census he'd acquired from Hilsman. Well, he used that information to track down the first two and when the results were confusing, he sought out Ron's help for the third and finally consulted Roksu for the final one.
Three beast people and one human and they all had the same confusing result.
Not a one of them elicited the responses he had towards Alver and Bob.
There definitely was something about the interaction that triggered a biological response in him. Mostly it was just that his fight or flight response was triggered and he felt edgier around them, as though his body recognized them as a natural enemy.
It wasn't anything like those stupid books described. No 'desire to submit' or 'overwhelming desire to be owned'. He knew those books were foul and wrong from the first time he'd read them but as his feelings towards Alver and Bob changed, he couldn't help but blame those lessons he'd learned early on. He remembered how the books claimed how an omega couldn't help but want to be held by an alpha and all sorts of other wretched nonsense.
Because Cale couldn't help but want to be close to them. As they were both alpha's, it only made sense to determine that he'd finally succumbed to his biology.
What he'd felt for the first alpha, a middle aged beast person, had been something closer to disgust. He'd been uncomfortably friendly and Cale had wanted nothing more than to knock out his teeth.
The second person, a human from the Wheelsman territory, was equally unpleasant. An old woman who kept lecturing him and assuring him that he was wrong although he couldn't even be sure what she thought he was wrong about because she didn't appear to be in her right mind at all.
The third person, the beast man in his twenties that Ron brought, was one of the least unpleasant although he apparently shared Cale's disdain and felt rather put upon to have been summoned to meet with some rich snobby brat. Cale hadn't hated him like the others but he still felt innately repulsed. His smell was wrong. It wasn't like Alver's smell...
Finally, when he'd gone to Roksu he'd learned that one of the cat's always causing trouble in the shop was both a beast person and an alpha. The child revealed herself to him and pinned him down with a judgmental gaze that seemed to ask what could you possibly want with me? Cale simply felt stupid then.
He hadn't even noticed there was an alpha so nearby. Although apparently the child's secondary characteristics hadn't yet appeared but as Cale looked at her he really had to wonder what difference would that make.
And that was where his puzzlement began.
He'd spent so long determined that he was more than his predispositions and at some point he'd spent so long obsessing over it that he'd started to define himself and others by them. He thought he'd gotten over it when he first acknowledged his mistake with Alver but he hadn't quite let go of his misconceptions.
The differences simply weren't as pronounced as he'd been led to believe. Logically speaking, if those books had been correct he wouldn't be able to 'resist' the way he had. He wouldn't have even thought to. He would a slave to his own instincts and desires. He wasn't.
Looking at the gray haired child he saw defiance and mischief. Very much like the cat he'd known. She was an individual. She wasn't just an alpha. In his rush to figure out his unexplainable emotions, he'd done the same to her that had been done to him at a young age. Looked at her with eyes that only saw 'alpha' or 'omega'.
Perhaps that's what he needed to see to reflect upon his own short-sightedness.
Cale collapsed onto his bed and buried his face into his pillow.
Four alpha's and all he'd come to realize was that he'd been right the first time. At the tender age of five when he'd clenched his fists and announced bitterly that he would never be defined by these labels.
It wasn't that he didn't have a biological difference between beta's and alpha's but perhaps that difference was more akin to the difference between men and women. Perhaps having a different body and different instincts had absolutely nothing to do with who he became and the feelings he developed.
But then, how did he define his feelings towards the first two alpha's in his life? Why had he felt so drawn to Alver lately? Why did he derive comfort from his scent or fantasize about how his hug might feel?
It didn't make sense.
Cale turned over in his bed and looked towards the ceiling. Even now he could feel faint desires to be closer. To spend more time together. To feel his touch. Even now a great deal of his spare thoughts lingered on Alver's sincere smile, when his dimples showed and his eyes crinkled. Alver hadn't seemed to realize it but his perfect political smile had absolutely no flaws and perfectly showed off his handsome face. But when he really smiled, without any presentation or machination, his face was imperfectly bright.
Dimples and laughter and a sparkle in his eyes that was all his own.
Cale liked his sincere smile.
Or when he wasn't preoccupied with memories of Alver's smile, he reminisced about how it felt when Bob swept him up and held him protectively as though–
Cale's thoughts froze there and he growled at the ceiling.
If this wasn't some weird omega-shit, what the hell was it? How did he possibly digest these strange and persistent feelings that only seemed to engulf him more with time?
As though searching for the worst possible time to strike, there was a gentle knock on the door and a letter waiting in Ron's capable hands. Cale stared at it strangely before accepting it and dismissing the loyal butler.
Lily's nursery seemed like a nice place to settle his thoughts and focus his heart but at this hour, Violan would be there nursing her baby girl. Cale could scare off a maid or a nanny but it was a whole different question when it came to his step mother.
His hideaway... no. That would only make matters worse. Ever since the incident with Alver the once comforting room hadn't felt the same. It wasn't that he felt fear but he remembered and his thoughts turned strange. The garden was all too exposed.
It was best to stay here and read the letter.
His feet moved and forward and he traveled the halls of the estate to an odd location.
When he opened the door, the scent was what struck him first. It wasn't the scent, even that couldn't linger so long, but it was distinct and memorable. It reminded him of cinnamon and apples but that wasn't quite what was there. It reminded him of a smile with dimples.
Hardly anyone came into this room for the past eight years other than one person and so it naturally lingered.
Cale felt his nerves settle as he sat down by the door. He didn't dare go further inside of the room. He couldn't even explain what compelled him to come here.
Perhaps it was because this room would no longer belong to Alver Crossman. With the annulment in progress and the winter visits definitively coming to an end, this would become another room in the estate that belonged to a person who would no longer return.
Cale still couldn't find the words to express why that upset him.
With the care of a rattled heart, he opened the letter.
[Dear young master Cale,
I understand that you may not have replied to my earlier letter because you do not wish to continue with our correspondence. If that is the case, I apologize for overstepping boundaries and sending this letter to you. You are welcome to ignore this letter. Although I'd prefer if you didn't.
The truth is that I enjoy our correspondence. I can't say when precisely it became the case but I consider you a friend, if I'm entirely honest, you would be my closest friend. Of course you're under no obligation to return my feelings but I wanted to express my feelings bravely just as you have so many times before.
I would like to continue a friendship with you. I enjoy the time we spend together. I like your ridiculous attitude and your ability to talk sense into me when I've lost any trace of it. I value your opinions and I don't want to lose that.
I won't press the issue any further if you choose not to write a reply. I have no desire to pressure you into anything. As always, I would like to treasure your wishes above all else. If this is not acceptable to you, I would still like to thank you for all the time you've spent with me up until now. The letters we've exchanged and the time we've spent together have been unforgettable. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to get to know you.
With hopeful regards,
Alver Crossman]