A distraction
"But he, that dares not grasp the thorn, should never crave the rose" - Anne Brontë
September
•1913•
Mariana's POV
"Why didn't you tell me?" I shouted, slamming the door and throwing my bag and hat down onto the table
"Hello to you too Mariana" Freddie said, folding his newspaper closed, taking his feet down from their place on the table.
"He had a girlfriend?" I asked loudly, watching his eyes widen before he sighed and pushed the chair beside him out with his foot
"He finally told you then?" He asked, as I sat down
"No, John told me" I said
"Fucking grass" he muttered
"Her name is Greta?" I asked
"Yeah, Greta Jurossi, you remember her sister from school, fucking... everyone called her Kitty" he explained, trying to recall her actual name. Yeah I remembered her.
"Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't Tommy tell me?" I asked
I didn't know how to deal with this feeling
I wasn't stupid. I liked to think of myself as rather aware of myself
And I knew this bubbling anxious tingle under my skin was jealousy.
And insecurity
And realistically I had no right to even be upset
Me and Tommy weren't together
I wasn't even here
He had every right to date another girl
To be in a relationship if he wanted to.
So why did this hurt so much?
The thought of him and her
The thought of him having feelings for someone else
I could tell myself I could have handled it if he had just slept around
But he liked her? He dated her?
And he purposely didn't mention it to me
"For how long?" I asked when Freddie had said nothing
"Freddie?" I urged
"Little over a year I guess" he said
"What?" I said, deflating into myself even more
So it was serious.
"But it didn't mean anything" he dismissed
"How do you figure that Freddie? A year! Over a year rather! You sat there and told me to tell him I love him! Knowing he hadn't told me about her! Did he... did he love her?" I asked
"As far as I'm aware, no, he never said it was serious to me and they broke up anyway so-"
"John said he dumped her?" I said, receiving a nod as confirmation
Why did knowing that ease my pain slightly?
Knowing he didn't want her anymore
That he left her.
"Why didn't he tell me Fred?" I asked sadly
"You know why Mari" he said. I guess I did.
No one wants to tell their old fling that he had a new girl whilst she was in prison.
I guess...
"What do I say to him now? I've kissed him Fred, twice now, I feel like such a fucking idiot" I groaned, dropping my head into my hands.
"You're not an idiot, look he flaunted her a bit, okay? But that didn't mean he liked her seriously, didn't mean he loved her, I think he was trying to distract himself" he explained
"From me?" I asked
"Yeah, he was broken when you got put away, he was drinking, fighting, isolating himself. He was a mess and then he found a gullible young pretty face that wanted to listen to all his fucking problems, she was a distraction Mar, trust me on that" he said.
"Plus I met her a few times, and she was boring" he said
"What?" I asked
"She was boring, he tolerated her, looked at her like she was a pretty little diamond to show off" he said
"That doesn't make me feel better Fred" I chuckled sadly.
"It should, because he looks at you in a way that I can't even describe, he adores you and he'd do anything for you, he broke up with her as soon as he found out you were coming home, you could see the disinterest he had every time she spoke, trust me please, it was nothing between them" he said.
"Maybe so" I said, standing up, putting my hat back on
"Off home already?" He asked
"Nice to know you wanted to see me as well as get the low down on your love life" he commented
"No, I'm off to the pub, I'm going to find Greta Jurossi" I said, heading for the door.
Maybe it was nothing to him
But there's two sides to every story
And as stupid a decision it was, I wanted to hear it from her.
•
I hung around the pub for the rest of the evening
Well... several pubs, asking and asking where I could find Greta Jurossi
It seems she wasn't widely known by many people.
Quiet girl then.
But eventually I found her. Sitting alone in a pub a few streets away from the Garrison
And so I walked over to her
"Can I buy you a drink?" I asked
She looked up.
And I had to stop myself from recoiling as I looked at her
She was beautiful
Gorgeous even. And it only fuelled my unjustified jealousy further
"I'm sorry, who are you?" She asked politely
Why did she have to be so nice?
"My name is Mariana, I believe you knew my friend, Thomas Shelby" I said, trying my hardest to sound normal.
"Oh, you know Tommy?" She asked
I nodded
The 'Tommy' didn't slip past me.
"Yes, so, can I get you that drink?" I asked
She hesitated, looking down at her near empty glass, before nodding and smiling at me.
•
"So how do you know Tommy?" She asked nicely, both of us seated in an awkward and yet... comfortable situation
"I'm an old family friend, I've been away for a while" I smiled
"Oh" she said
"Oh?" I asked
"He mentioned a girl, that had left a few years ago, he was extremely upset by her leaving, I assume that was you?" She asked.
I nodded once, unsure myself.
It must have been me. But the thought of Tommy talking about me to her, unsettled me.
The thoughts that we had kissed twice recently swam around in my head over everything else
He hadn't told me about a girlfriend
One that was serious.
And yet he was fine to kiss me. Twice.
"I believe so" I said
"He never... mentioned a name?" I asked, she shook her head.
"How is he?" She asked
"Tommy?"
"Yes, I haven't seen him in... months, he won't speak to me anymore I- I just wondered how he was doing" she pressed.
"He's good, I mean... he's getting by" I said instead
I hadn't noticed Tommy being upset at all, I had no clue this girl or this relationship had ever existed
He seemed... fine.
But telling her that seemed like it would only upset her more
So I decided against it.
"Did he mention anything to you about why he... why he broke up with me?" She asked sadly, looking down into her glass.
"I'm sorry he didn't" I said, even if I had known about her, he wouldn't exactly spill all the details to me.
Every time I looked at her I felt a tinge of insecurity seep deeper into me.
She had a natural beauty about her.
Perfect pinned hair and dark features that radiated grace.
She was the pure epitome of grace.
"What exactly did he say about me?" I asked curiously
"Not much" she shrugged
"He never really wanted to talk about his family or his friends or... anything important really, there was only ever that night he got really drunk and we..." she slowly cut herself off
A blush creeping up her cheeks
"You what?" I asked
"We... well we um... you know, he took me down to this dingy old tunnel place, down by the river, he told me it was special, but then we stopped because... anyway afterwards when we sat talking he started to cry, we were both really drunk and he started rambling about this girl who... was gone but tormenting his head" she explained
My body froze once she mentioned the canal
Our place...
He took her to our place?
Finding that out only caused the insecurity to grow
The jealousy to take over
It wasn't her fault
None of this was her fault and yet I felt the need to hit her
To pull her hair and tell her to stay away.
But the urge to hit Tommy, to scream and cry at him was far greater
"Why did you stop?" I asked
"What?"
"You said you stopped, you were fucking and stopped, why?" I asked bluntly, only causing another blush of shyness to blossom on her cheeks.
"I- I don't think that matters, I mean that's not really any of your busine-"
"Why did you stop Greta?" I asked
She looked at me, whether she saw the desperation in my eyes or whether she gave care for Tommys privacy away... she spoke
"He stopped, he said it didn't feel the same" she told me, clearly embarrassed
Didn't feel the same?
"Meaning?" I asked
"I don't know, a few weeks after that he broke up with me" she said, a melancholy tone to her voice once more.
"I'm sorry" I offered
"It's alright, it wasn't your fault was it?" She chuckled sadly
Maybe it was
I felt stupid to even dare to think that he was referring to me
That he held off on her because of me.
"Still, I'm sorry" I said
"Honestly it's fine, if you don't mind me asking, why are you back? Why did you leave? Tommy never told me much about his home life and I... well I guess I'm just curious I'm sorry" she dismissed her own words, looking away
"It's okay, I... I went to prison" I said, catching her attention.
"I'm not proud of it and I'm trying to make my amends now, I guess I was driven by curiosity too to meet you" I admitted.
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