You're settled in bed, snug in your pajamas and against Jungkook's chest when you decide to check your phone.
You squeal at the photos your brother has sent you of his newborn son. Look at our little alien. He's a pretty one, Seokjin has said.
Tears start to pool in your eyes, sad that you're not there to be with your family, given that Mina was initially due in a few days, but the little one seemed excited to be out and just couldn't wait.
You send a barrage of texts to your family, asking them to narrate everything that happened, and they share how your brother cried way more than Mina did, which you expected. They bid you goodnight, knowing it's past midnight, and they say they'll wait for you and your husband back home.
Jungkook pulls you close as you lay by his side, staring at the baby's photos and how lovely he looks. You put your phone away shortly after, mistaking Jungkook's silence with him falling asleep.
But you glance at him and he's wide awake. He proceeds to brush your hair with his fingers, massaging your head in between. You can feel he's tense, his eyes staring up at the ceiling and you know something's on his mind.
You don't know when the best time would be to ask so you take your shot and ask him something you've been meaning to know.
"Kook? Do you... want to have kids?"
Jungkook knows you're bound to ask, as your Mother has been alluding to it ever since your families picked up the development in your relationship. He also knows you're bound to talk about it; it's just a topic that's quite hard for him to discuss.
"Or more like, why don't you?" You ask, as his silence seems more telling. You're nervous to face him, and he's the one who turns you instead.
"I do want them," he says, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. "I'm just scared."
"Honey, you have nothing to be scared of," you reply, cupping his face in your hand. "You're going to be an amazing father, I just know it. And you have the best role models to look up to."
"I'm not scared about that. I'm scared for you."
And there it is, the fear he's been afraid to verbalize.
You hear the heaviness in his voice and feel the heaviness in his heart when his finger traces your scar.
"What if you can't handle the pregnancy? What if... what if they make me choose?" He closes his eyes, unable to fathom such reality, one that doesn't have you in it.
"And our child... What if they..." Get the sickness, too, he doesn't say. "I don't want either of you to be in pain. I can't handle that."
"Kook, honey," you say, trying to find the words to comfort him. You take his hand and kiss it. "You don't have to worry about those things."
"This isn't a 20-minute paraglide or an hour mountain climb. This is 9 months of carrying a child and how many hours of labor. Natural or cesarean, there are risks and I..." Jungkook stammers, willing the tears not to fall. "I won't be able to forgive myself if something happens to you, ___. I don't know what I'm gonna do if I lose you."
They say acknowledging the fear is the first step to overcoming it, but Jungkook feels it's gotten worse, more palpable, vocalizing it this way. But it's always a possibility, one that he hates himself for even thinking about. You've assured him time and time again that you're okay, but he's unable to fully wrap his mind around it. There's always a "what if" - half of that is good, half of it isn't. His mind sticks to thinking about the latter.
"I've always been assured by the doctor that I can handle a pregnancy, okay?" You tell him, as you wipe the tear that's fallen down his cheek. "My Mother gets me checked every year to be sure. And about our child getting it, they may or may not. In any case, there are ways to know right away what to do. There are options; it can be cured. But you don't have to worry about me."
"I can't help it," he whispers. "Every time I think about a life where you're in pain, or one that doesn't have you in it, I just lose myself to all these thoughts. And I don't know what to do."
"You can trust me, Kook. And then I can love the fear away."
You take his hand to let it bring you closer to him. "I was afraid, too. Even when they said I've been healed, I was still scared. It's hard not to be when it's all I've known but I knew that if I wanted to live a good and happy life, I had to get over that. I had to stop being scared because I didn't want to miss any more good things. I mean, I missed out on you when I was younger. I don't want that for me, or for us anymore."
Jungkook looks back at you with trembling lips and watery eyes, and you know it will take more than this but you have time, you remind him.
"I get scared of things, too, so let's love the fear away, okay? Let's do that for each other," you comfort.
He takes a deep breath and nods. He knows it will take more than this but as long as he has you, breathing and dreaming next to him every night, he knows that will be enough.
"What about you? Do... Do you want to have kids?" He asks softly.
"It's a thought I've had. I know it's expected and Mother asks all the time but I try not to feel pressured," you say. "But it's not only my decision, Kook. It's ours. And we don't have to decide right away. In fact, I've been enjoying having you to myself too much and I'd like to keep that going for a while longer." You snuggle closer to him and you feel his warm breath against your skin.
"We have time, Kook. We can enjoy being husband and wife first, know each other better, love each other better, and then we can decide to have kids after. So we can love them much better, too."
"That sounds like a plan," he softly kisses your lips.
"It's a good one, right?" You kiss him this time.
His hand crawls underneath your pajama top. "We can get on it right now," he kisses you again.
"We should." You hum in his mouth. "Let me make you feel good."
He lets you turn him on his back and you let him remove your camisole. He kneads your breasts as you kiss each other deeply, tongues dancing around each other as you caress his bare body.
You move lower, tracing every inch of flesh you encounter with kisses until you reach the spot where he needs you the most. You take him in your mouth, letting him know you can take in more, and his slow bucks in your mouth increase their pace.
His moans encourage you to go harder and your moans encourage him to go deeper. You both go at it until he comes in your mouth, and he immediately takes you on your back and attacks your cunt with his mouth, licking and sucking like he has all the time in the world.
He wants to take his time, though, to let the pleasure linger, to let it overtake you so the high feels that much better, and it does. You're gripping the sheets as he's gripping your thighs, and he takes in your slick as you come in his mouth.
He doesn't waste time in aligning his cock on your center as you tell him that you want more, and you feel him fill you up again, somehow feeling even better than the last.
It's slow and sensual this time, as you focus on the intimacy, on the feel of each other, on the drawn out pleasure that reminds you that you can have this moment everyday for the rest of your lives. It's when he senses you're close that he picks up the pace, reaching your peaks at the same time.
This is how he likes to make love to you - with him flushed against your heaving body, his head buried in your neck as you both come down from your high together, his hand directing your face towards his ear so he can hear you clearly.
He likes hearing you catch your breath after you've screamed his name; he likes hearing you gasp when he caresses your body; he likes hearing your soft moans when he peppers you with kisses; he likes hearing your sweet laughter when he nibbles that ticklish spot on your neck. He especially likes hearing you, on those occasions, whisper that you love him.
He keeps these in mind like a music collection that he can easily pick off from his memory shelf to listen to when you're apart and he's missing you, when he's having a bad day and thinking of you is the only way to get by, when you both have a disagreement and you get quiet and choose to keep things to yourself. He stores these in his mind and in his heart for days when he's hit with bouts of insecurity and fear.
But he'll try not to let himself dwell too much on those thoughts anymore. Especially not when you're pliant and writhing underneath him, nails carving your pleasure onto his back, your pleas for him to go harder and to not stop urging him on.
You're not always so vocal, content with what he gives you, pleasant sounds making up for words that you can't form when he's hitting every spot you want him to. So when you tell him how you want it, how it makes you feel, he treasures these moments.
"Thank you for loving me, Jungkook."
He gazes at you and drowns in the stars in your eyes. "Thank you for letting me."