Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down) by Nancy Sinatra
It wasn't a mistake, not in the slightest. The sergeant can admit that. It wasn't a mistake nor does she regret it... But it was wrong. It was wrong in so many ways. For numerous months, guilt has hovered over her like a cloud lingering, waiting to downpour. She feels guilty because she liked it. As much as she hates to admit it, she wanted Loki to touch her. Emerson had been starved of touch for too long and she simply needed to feel something. Anything. The sergeant thought she would be able to get over her sorcerer, especially after years. It's unbelievably hard when she lives in his home. Emerson sees pieces of him every day. His clothes, his relics, and even his dusty paperwork laying upon his desk. She feels guilty because she hasn't gotten over Stephen Strange yet nearly gave herself to another man. How could she have done that to Stephen? He doesn't--didn't-- deserve to be betrayed like that. Stephen was a great man and he deserved nothing but the best. Stephen had been nothing but kind to the sergeant and here she is spending too much time with a man he warned her about. God, she wishes she could talk to Stephen.
With that thought, she scrambles off her bed, rushing to find a piece of paper and a pen. Maybe she would feel better writing it as if he would be reading it. It will get everything off of her chest. The things she wanted to say and never got to. Even the things she wishes he wouldn't know like how she cried herself to sleep for weeks, and how she could hardly eat or bathe. She could write about all of the things she has been holding in. After finding a pen and paper, she did just that. She wrote and poured her heart out onto the sheet of paper until it was full of ink and stained with tears. It was many pages later when Emerson felt she got everything off of her chest.
Stephen Vincent Strange,
I don't even know where to start. I know what I want to say but I don't know how to say it. Writing and expressing my emotions have never been a strong suit of mine. You, on the other hand, could be good at anything you set your mind to. You weren't just a Master of the Mystic Arts, you were damn near the master of everything. You were a perfectionist and never settled for anything less. I looked up to you, I really did. I still do. You were a great mentor and person and I am so glad it was you who helped me. I don't remember if I ever got the chance to say thank you or truly express my gratitude. Stephen, you saved my life. It may sound a bit extreme to you, but it's true. Without you and your help, my life would have been pointless. I had nothing left here for me. That was true until I met you. You are such a good person with a kind heart. While there were times you could be a complete asshole, there is not a single thing I would've changed about you. You were amazing. Scratch that, you still are amazing.
I think about you all the time. I know, it's kind of weird and creepy. When you died I was in utter disarray. I couldn't eat or sleep or smile without you here. It's been five years and I still think about you every day. My heart will always have a spot for you. It might even be too big of a spot leaving no room for anyone else.
You are so handsome and witty. The beautiful, silvery streaks in your hair always left me weak in the knees. Those absurdly sharp cheekbones will forever be engraved into my mind. The way you walked. The way you talked and the things you said. The way you held me. Even the way you touched me will forever be stuck in my head. I almost hate it. I want to be able to move on to someone else eventually. I don't want to constantly think about you and your shit-eating grins. I hate thinking about the sweet things you said to me. I don't want to think about how caring and gentle you were. I hate thinking about those alluring hands of yours that you loathed so much. I hate it all because I miss you. I miss you so fucking much, Stephen. It hurts. My heart hurts for you and everything you left behind. I'm trying my hardest to be okay. The New York Sanctum has been well taken care of. I only do it for you. All of your belongings that sit untouched on the shelves haunt me. They constantly remind me of you. It's like a constant nagging in the back of my head that only shouts your name. The entire sanctum causes images of you to flash in my mind. The need I feel for you is too strong. I need you, Stephen. I need you in my life.
Fuck, there was so much I never got to tell you. There were so many things you never got to hear me say. I want to write them for you but it will never mean as much to me unless I said them aloud to you. I want to see your reaction to me saying "I love you". I want to watch your eyebrows raise or your eyes close. I'm not all sure what you would do, but I know I would give up anything just to tell you those words. Anything. I would do anything to see you again.
I know you did what you had to do to save the world. I know you tried your hardest. I hope I crossed your mind when everything happened. I hope you thought of me. I know it's an awful thing to say but I hope you felt sad at the thought of never seeing me again. Because I know I felt pretty fucking terrible. I could not fathom never seeing you again. It felt like you would still be lying next to me in my bed when I woke up. I half expected you to be standing in the kitchen making breakfast for me. So when you weren't there when I woke up, it hurt. It hurt so bad to the point where I'm not even sure you'd understand.
Wherever you are, I hope you're okay. I don't know where people go when they die, but I hope it's a good place. I wish with all of my heart that you went somewhere amazing. A place so beautiful that you couldn't even imagine coming back to Earth if you had the choice. A place so safe that you can finally sleep well at night. A place where you can get that break you always wanted. All I want for you is to be happy. And I know you'd be happy if I were happy, but it's going to take me a while to feel happy again. I'm sorry.
I wish I were there with you when it happened. I wish I could've held you one last time. I wish I would have known that the last time I held you really was the last time. I would've held on to you for so much longer. I would've begged you not to go. I would have been selfish. Even if you wanted to let go of me, I wouldn't have let you. I would have held you so tight that you thought you were suffocating. I would have kissed you until you were gasping for air. I am anything but a selfish person, but I would have been selfish for you. I know I am nowhere near as talented with the mystic arts as you are, but I would've gone instead. I would have trapped you here somehow and left to do it myself, just so I could believe that you were safe and sound. I would have traded places with you in a heartbeat. You deserve to still be here. I know you wouldn't want to hear me say that, but I'm saying it now. Stephen, I miss you so fucking much and I would sacrifice myself for you without even thinking. I wouldn't even consider the consequences if it meant you could still be here. Maybe that makes me a bad sorcerer and a selfish person, but I couldn't care less. I would do it all for you.
I'll try to move on and be happy, but I can't make any promises. Don't be upset and please don't feel bad or guilty if I'm still crying over you. That place in my heart is only for you. Just know that all the time I spent with you was the best time of my life. You gave me meaning and I will always hold on to that. I'll watch over the sanctum until I'm old and brittle, just for you. I will do it all for you.
Standing up from her desk in her office, she went across the hall to Strange's office. The door opens with a loud creak after not being opened for a long period of time. The sergeant tries her hardest not to go into Stephen's office unless it is absolutely necessary. It hurts too much to see all of his belongings sitting there and waiting for a man who would never return. She opens the top drawer of his desk, placing the note in it as if she were giving it to him.
What happened with Loki never happened again. He tried a few times but obliged when the sergeant didn't accept his advances. It took all of the willpower she could muster to not place a single hand on the God. If she were over Stephen, she'd consider it; but she's not over him in the slightest. The sergeant didn't want to hurt Loki, but she also couldn't hurt Stephen either. It doesn't matter that he's not coming back, it's still disrespectful to do indecent things in what used to be his home. It's distasteful and offputting and makes her feel like an asshole. Emerson's duty is to guard the New York Sanctum which is something Stephen asked her to do. She doesn't have time for distractions or relationships, especially if they keep her from performing her job duties. Now that he's gone, Emerson realizes how much of an honor it is to guard the New York Sanctum. She does it for him. The sergeant still feels that she owes the sorcerer everything after all he had done for her.
He's been dead for nearly five years now. A whole five years that feels like a lifetime for the sergeant. She still yearns for him every single day. She wakes up thinking about Stephen and falls asleep thinking about him. He helped her when he had no reason to. The sorcerer saved the sergeant from a pointless and awful life. She was at her lowest point in life and he had helped her out of that. The sergeant will forever thank him and appreciate what he did for her.
Wong has been meeting with the Avengers to discuss matters regarding Thanos and the stones. Emerson doesn't know too much about it as Wong tends to keep her out of the loop. All she knows is that they're trying to get the stones back or do something with them. Wong told Emerson about the advances they're making and it's looking positive. While she doesn't understand the vague things he speaks about, she offered her help if he ever needed it.
***
The day went by as slow as it could have. The sergeant decided to go out to the park with a book and buy a coffee from a struggling shop. There are hardly any businesses open so she tries her hardest to support them when she can. The air is extremely warm and the sun shines brightly. It's awfully still, not an ounce of wind in sight. It's very relaxing though so the sergeant can't complain. She sits on a park bench, her book cracked open while the iced coffee sits beside her. The surrounding warmth causes the ice to melt quickly. She takes a large sip before flipping the page, continuing to read. Without any notice, a gust of wind knocks her coffee off the bench and causes her pages to flip in her book. The sergeant huffs in annoyance as she struggles to find the page she was previously reading. Suddenly the sky goes dark as if it were about to rain. In a blink of her eyes, people start appearing out of thin air. Frantic screams and cries of confusion ring throughout the park. Emerson can hardly believe what she's seeing. People that disappeared in the snap are now coming back. A restaurant owner she recognizes from down the street turns back in forth in confusion, still in his work uniform from five years ago.
Just as she stands up from the bench, her phone begins ringing in her back pocket.
***
A/N: Ayooo what's goin on here?? Hmm what is this weird occurance happening w people coming back? Anyone else super excited to see what happens? Might take me a while to get this next chapter out, especially since I'm moving like next week.