Sometimes all that matter is that you're still trying.
________________________________
Jimin stayed at that position for a few more minutes. He didn't want to fall asleep. What if this is all a dream ? If it is, then he doesn't wanna wake up.
Jimin's stomach mumbled and he kept ignoring it till he couldn't anymore. He wasn't going to eat, he was just going to fill his stomach up with water. Like he has been doing for the past year. Barley surviving. Sometimes he'd eat salad or fruits just to stay alive. And other times he'd wonder why does he do that? If he wants to die, why not just starve himself and not eat a single thing. It has already been a year, if he hadn't eaten thoes smallest things, he sure would've been dead by now.
He got down to the kitchen and Jin was there, washing the dishes. The others were in the living room playing video games. Jimin didn't seem to notice or care that Jin was here.
Jimin was smiling as he went to get a water bottle from the fridge and it happened that Jin noticed.
"Jimin, didn't I tell you to stay in your room? Are you deaf or something?" It was more of a statement than a question.
Jimin didn't hear him, not because he was 'deaf', but because he was simply in his happy world. He took a bottle out of the fridge and drank it almost instantly.
"Jimin? Don't you hear me?"
Jimin kept drinking.
"Jimin! You're honestly disrespectful." Jin walked over to him and pushed him with his shoulder making the cold water spill everywhere on Jimin.
"Arghh! What the-- it's cold." Jimin turned around and saw a disturbed Jin.
"J-jin hyung-" Jimin looked down to the floor.
"Shut it. I don't want to hear you. Poor members had to eat leftovers from yesterday. Thanks to you Jimin." Jin glared at him as he crossed his arms over his chest.
"I-- it wasn't me. I tri--"
"Ahhh here we go again. I told you I don't want to hear it. Clean this water and get ready because we are going to the studio. Today we are recording here, studio 2A. Be there by 11:30. And don't you dare be late." And by that, Jin left.
Jimin got a towel and cleaned the water on the floor with tears almost dripping out his eyes.
He finished and went back to his room. He let himself fall on the bed and took out his phone to text his best friend.
Pooh bear 🍯
Hey
Heyy
HEYY.
BRO
dude
Ok then, I'm sad. :'(
Jiminie I'm sorry 😔
Okay that's cringy.
Anywaysss whats up bro.
Nothing much. I'm just bored.
We are supposed to record a song today but I'm too lazy.
Heelpp me. They will kill me.
No, they wouldn't.
No one will as long as I'm alive.
It's fine.
Are you really lazy or
are you stressed?
There is a huge difference
between them.
...
Maybe both.
Idk I'm just tired.
Alright, my job here is to
Make you feel better.
First, did you eat?
Yes!
Alright, first answer, no.
Next question,
I actually ate.
Jimin, you didn't. I've known
You for 14 years.
You clearly didn't.
Don't skip meals kid.
Anyways, second, have you
Been under any stress Lately?
Actually, yes. A lot.
For the past 3 months.
But it's fine.
It's all because work and stuff so please don't mind me.
Jimin was lying. It wasn't because of stupid work. It was way deeper than that. But he didn't want to bother the only person that cares, so he just shut up.
Are you sure Jimin?
Is it only because work?
Yes.
I told you not to worry.
Actually I was bored so
I just wanted to talk to you :)
Sjidjejej stop ur so cute >\\\<
Lmao that's the least I can do.
How can you be this cute.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Omg these faces are really cute??
Okay okay enough with that.
Let's continue....orrr?
Nah it's fine.
I'm not stressed anymore.
I'll do my best at recording today.
Wish me luck :D
Alright. If you say so.
Hwaiting !! :))
Hehe thanks!
Love you too Minnie ! ;D
Read 10:34 AM.
-
Jimin's heart fluttered at that message. He wondered how a simple word would mean a lot to him. He wondered how his best friend was so good at comforting people, at making them feel loved, at making them feel themselves. Yes, he made Jimin feel like himself. He didn't have to pretend he was perfect. People have flaws, and not a lot accept them. It's part of being human. No one is perfect and he understood that. He understood Jimin. He is his childhood best friend after all.
But of course, you can't be bitter and expect life to be sweet. Jimin was bitter; he was too good for Jimin. He knew that. He was disgusting and ugly. He was fat. He knew that as well.
What if when he sees me again after thoes ten years and he'll think I'm ugly ?
What if he he thinks I'm embarrassing?
What if he thinks I'm fat as well?
If he saw me, he'll definitely get disappointed. I can't see him. He can't see me. I can't risk our friendship. I can't meet him. I have to tell him.
Pooh bear 🍯
Hey.
Uhh so about today...
Is everything alright ?
What about today?
I really appreciate what you thought of
And all but I can't see you today.
Oh. It's alright.
Maybe tomorrow.
No I don't think you understand.
I can't meet you at all.
I'm very busy I'm sorry.
It's okay Jimin. You don't have to
Be sorry. I just thought our dreams
Won't come across our friendship.
Then again, it's not something you
control so I totally understand.
I can't cancel the flight tho.
I'm already on the plane. I guess I'll
Just stay at my sister's. I have to stay in Seoul for at least 2 weeks so if you have
Any free time lmk alr ?
Ofc I will.
Also are you sure it's okay?
I'm so sorry.
I mean yeah it's fine. I'm a bit sad
Ngl but there is nothing
we can do about it.
Listen uh I gtg. The plane's about to
Take off.
C ya Jimin.
Or I guess text you.
Alr bye.
Again I'm so sorry :((
Seen 10:35 AM.
-
Great, now you made him sad.
But I can't loose him. If he saw me, he'll be disappointed.
Yes. You ugly fatass. If you weren't ugly and fat, non of this would've happened.
But what if he doesn't think I'm ugly...
No, of course he'll think you're ugly. Haven't you looked at the mirror? Your so fat and ugly.
Jimin slowly brought his head up to face the mirror in front of his bed. His jaw dropped as he saw himself. His face was yellow. Eyes red, lips dry and swollen. Everything was wrong with him.
What am I supposed to do ?
Nothing. You'll ruin everything. Don't think about anything. He'll be disappointed no matter what. If he saw you, he will be disgusted. If he didn't, he'll think that you hate him. You're screwed anyways. Don't mess up more.
"S-stop!" Jimin whisper-shouted to himself to shut his own thoughts.
It's the truth. You're just fat and useless, just like everyone thinks.
I'm not fat! I lost a lot of weight. I look fine.
No you don't. you're still fat. And you never look fine. You're always ugly. You should just die. Everyone thinks so too. Shouldn't you get the hint by now?
No...no!! I...I'm not fat ..am I ?
Jimin sighed as he was done with fighting his own thoughts. He looked down at his sweater paw hands and sighed once more.
"Maybe I am useless. Yes, I should die." He felt a tear making its way out of his eyes. He didn't force himself to be strong anymore. He knew he was weak. He couldn't help it anymore. He couldn't pretend. Another tear fell out. And another....and another. Until he was breaking down.
After a few more minutes, he looked over at his phone. 10:46. He has to get ready for work. He sighed as he walked over to his bathroom. He looked at his face. Tears were stained on his face. His whole face was red from crying. He washed his face and then dried it. Looking at himself again in the mirror, seeing all the tears that have made their way to his clothes wetting them, he decided to change.
He left his bathroom and went back to his room. He took off his jacket and he opened his wardrobe and looked around. Jimin used to have a lot of colorful clothes, but now, all he has is dark, long, oversized and covering clothes. He couldn't help but sigh. He missed wearing colorful clothes. He missed wearing short shorts and tight jeans. He missed wearing sleeveless shirts and button ups that he always liked to leave open. He missed himself. His old self. The one that was always happy and lively. The one that loved himself no matter what. The one that always gave the best advice. The one that always took care of himself and other members. The one that made sure to send comforting messages to everyone every now and then. Yes, Jimin was this type of person. He was the type of person to send you goodnight messages when you take a nap even if it was day. The type that would send you a 5000 word essay paragraph for your half birthday. The type that will show love and affection clearly. The type that would get you flowers on daily basis if he noticed that you were a bit sad. The type that would cook you food and eat it with you. The type that would take you out randomly and buy you anything you're eyes land on. He missed this. He missed how he was. He wondered how his life would be right now if he hadn't seen that post a year ago... That post that destroyed his confidence. His self esteem. That post that made him doubt himself everyday wondering if he was even a good person. That post that made him hate himself day by day. That post that made him stop caring about himself. Because why bother when you already aren't enough? Why bother take care of yourself or your appearance when you will stay fat and ugly no matter what? Why? Why bother? Why bother living? He stopped. He stopped everything. He stopped caring about himself, and that lead to him stopping the care and love he showed for others. How can he take care of others when he can't even watch his weight? How can he make fans love themselves when he can't even love himself? How can he love himself when they don't? When they made him like this? How? How was he alive? Why didn't he die back then at the hospital? Why did he have to fail suicide? That's embarrassing. Now he'll have to think of a plan b.
Jimin froze as he looked at himself in the mirror. His hands were full of cuts. He couldn't even see his skin color anymore. He saw how vibrant the wounds were. It was so obvious that he hurts himself. He hated how he treats himself, but he didn't even have the motive to do anything.
-
(I sincerely apologize for the next non-swag lame cringy roasts but I literally can't think of any Right now. Hell, that's embArAzing.)
"Oh yeah ? Well if I throw a stick will you leave ?" (Bark bark, anything for taehyung)
"I'm not a dog tae, look in the mirror." (Slay queen?)
"I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than that. I look gorg." (I know, it's cringe. Blame google.)
"Think before you talk. Do you even listen to the things that come out of your mouth?" (I hope.)
"Wow, How long did it take you to come up with that one?" (A long time....)
"Well, definitely Shorter than the time you took to make yoongi hyung like you." (Damn boi)
"I-- ..... Who let you out your cage Jungkook?" (Ur mom)
"Your mom." (Slay bestie, best comeback ever)
"Seriously ? That's the lamest comeback ever. Go to hell!"
"Ahh! my hometown. You should visit sometimes." (Go bad bitch, go bad bitch go~)
"Go cry about it."
"Like your mom did when she found out she was having you?"
"I--.."
"Aww are you gonna cry?"
"Yes because your breath smells like onions."
"At least I don't smell like dog shit all the time."
"Nobody asked."
"Then why are you still listening?"
"I.... you're so dumb."
"Well since you know everything, you should know when to shut up."
"I... Damn it! Ughhh I was this close. This close Jungkook!" Taehyung stated holding up his hands and almost closing two fingers together.
"That was honestly (not) the most intense and fun insult battle I've ever seen." hoseok said chuckling.
"Waaah! Another point to me. You're seriously getting bad at roasting tae."
"Shut up. You've definitely been on Google."
"Uhh no? I--"
"Okay everyone, that was fun while it lasted. But now let's go get ready for recording." Namjoon announced standing up from the couch and looking around.
"Okay so yoongi, go get him." He sighed.
Yoongi gave him a confused look. "What? Who?"
"Ughh. Jimin, yoongi. He has lines. We have to see his stupid clumsy face again."
"Oh yeah.. him. Why me? Why can't hoseok go. Or Jin, or tae, or jkay, or even you. I'm so tired." He moaned as he sat on the couch throwing his head backwards.
"Yoongi, his room is across yours. Don't be lazy. Get your ass up and get him. We will be waiting in studio 2A. C'mon, we don't have forever." He walked over and pulled yoongi of the couch.
"Fine. Whatever." Yoongi mumbled.
-
Okay wow. This is the longest chapter I've written. Idk. In kinda not active lately bcz I have exams and I think I'm failing. But yeah. We are living.
ALSO IM SO FCKNG EXCITED FOR THE NEW ALBUM !! LIKE BRO, THE WHOLE IDEA IS SO HEARTWARMING. ITS CALLED PROOF IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW. Wait, I have pictures. Look omg.
I just hope they aren't overworking themselves. Because if you saw the ad thingy they kinda look tired and done with life. Like they literally all look like a yoongi. I'm kinda concerned, but let's not overthink. I wish them the best!!!!
Jim-out.