{ KI }
"...You're not upset with me?"
After almost an hour without a word, he breaks the silence. Such a ridiculous question.
"If we switched places, would you?"
He shakes his head sullenly.
Taq and Fomu left after offering condolences to Aht about his predicament. He thanked them and wished them well in their travels. They gave strong support to us, urging us to stand side by side if other spirits find out. While we aren't as close as I hoped for, I'm glad they are my friends.
Aht and I didn't utter a word when I pulled out music and books and lit up the lantern. For the whole time, our hands link. He sits here beside me, watching me read. He had been trying to find words until now.
"I never thought you'd feel deep pain for me," he says with a soft tone.
This infuriating man... I rise, sit on his lap, and pepper his face with kisses. We're both crying again as his strong arms hold me.
"Why wouldn't I, Aht? I love you so fucking much, you know that?"
He kisses me on the lips... Full of tenderness. My fingers run through his hair. His shining eyes appeal to me. "And I love you too damn much. I was hoping you wouldn't feel the same curiosity as I did in the past, but there's no more denying that you do when you understand me well. It scares me."
I frown. "Why?"
"You'll risk yourself being banished, my love."
My body. "Aht..."
"This is why I was hesitant to spend time with you but damn it! You felt lonely like I did! You felt stuck like I did..." He blinks away the tears as his voice cracks. "I understand you so much that I couldn't stop giving you books and music. And here you are, a lovable knockout. I don't regret choosing you since we can get away with our love."
I sigh, and my hand drops from his nape to his chest. "Now you contemplate about mortality."
He lays us down on the grass, scrunched up and haunted. "I'm sorry. I didn't know I could fall for anyone."
"Don't be. If you didn't turn into a human, we would have never met. Even in official meetings. You know it's true." My knuckle brushes his cheek when he sighs and shuts his eyes. "I have something to tell you. A secret for a secret."
"Yes?" His brows furrow.
My body changes. Rather than asking Taq's help, coincidentally, my lover here might've been in the same situation. Tamp down this agitated heart of mine. I hope he won't panic. Hope he won't blame himself. "My body, Aht."
"Pardon?"
"I'm changing."
He frowns further—gets up, horrified. Pacing around, he curls himself up and breathes fast. I follow his pace to grab his shoulders.
"This is my fault. You'll be banished. I'm a damn fool!"
"I knew you would think that but you're not, Aht!"
"What other reason for your change? You don't go out, we haven't done penetrative sex, you didn't break the law directly. It's because we're in love. These things I gave you—"
"Aht—"
"You will lose this meadow. You're going to die like me, Ki," he yells shakily.
"With you, Aht!" He keeps ranting and I hug him. "Baby, please. Calm down. I thought it was a myth at first."
"I learnt it the hard way that it is absolutely not."
I kiss his nose. "It all started three weeks ago."
"Three weeks!?"
"Shhh hey..." My forehead touches his, coaxing him to stare into my pupils.
His breaths slow down, although his apprehensive eyes are darting around. "Why didn't you tell me sooner? You must've been terrified going through all that alone."
"I thought you're a human and won't know what to do."
"When you were hungry, what did you eat? Do you have cuts? Because the rocks—"
"Okay, from the top." I rub his arms. "I felt first hunger this week and asked forest creatures to help me."
"Who came?"
"The ravens gave a rain of fruits. I tell you, I was shocked. Soon after, other animals came."
"I like these ravens."
I raise an eyebrow. "Other animals helped me too."
"I'm just grateful that they gave my woman something to eat so soon. An abundance of it."
Our foreheads rub together. Heat rises to my cheeks. His woman. I didn't have sex organs and a fixed gender until these changes, but... I like it too much. "I pee and poop afterward."
"Oh gosh."
"Scared me which... Ha! I had never been scared before. My foot has a bloody cut after I walked on the river bed. It hasn't closed up—"
"Are you okay? You might need to get it disinfected."
"Had, not has. Didn't heal until hours later. Sorry."
"You told me it started three weeks ago. How come you felt hungry this week?"
Oh how to tell him... I look down as my hands run from his chest to his belly, feeling him up. Feeling between his Adonis belt... My my, now I think about it, he formed his body amazingly well. His muscles tense against my palms and press onto me. I watch him under my lashes with short breaths. In return, his pleading eyes are full of desire, watching my whole body and face.
"...Really, Ki?"
"Yes, Aht."
"Three whole weeks?"
"After the day I fell for you. It was subtle, I could've ignored it until you bathed in my river naked. For weeks, I've longed for you. I want to fuck you."
His eyes widen. "Oh Your Highness... Our first kiss."
I kiss him gently and nip his bottom lip. "I wanted to make sure and swear by my meadow, I'm sure."
He sighs on my jaw. "I could have relieved you. Relieve both of us."
"Not until I find what's the cause of all this. I had an idea behind it, though I wanted to know if it's remotely true with the help from Taq. Now I know what I'll face, I don't need her help anymore."
He pulls away a little and blinks. "The idea of banishment doesn't make you scared?"
"Who said I'm not?" My hands hold his cheeks. "But I'd rather be banished than feel my home as a cage. I don't want to resent it."
"Not because of me?"
"No, love. You did give me a push, however. I know I'll be in trouble for being curious in one way or another, even if you are not in the picture. I think our love and the creations you brought aren't the cause. Rather, they are a cushion for what I'll face."
"...Maybe you're right about the cause. I changed when my need for freedom was unrelenting. Internal rebellion." He kisses me when I tuck his hair behind his ear. "Ki, see my memory."
"Are you sure?"
Us spirits can see memories from others and it's forbidden unless given permission. This has never been done before by anyone, except by low-ranking spirits. Reading intentions is already invasive enough.
We're both sitting down again.
"I want you to see my past and the consequences. If you keep up this rebellion, it's only fair you know what might come?"
"Aht..."
Preparing me by being mentally vulnerable with me... is a lot. Before I'd do anything, my heart embraces to become a human with him. His eyes close, and I kiss his forehead, delving into his mind.
____________________
*||These interactions are through
a different realm.||*
{ AHT }
This is weird again.
Of course, I don't mind at all about Ki seeing my mind. Only, I never felt... like this. This open.
||It's okay if you don't want to. It's not too late.||
Whoa. Her voice echoes from the tangible world—she can read my mind?
||I can. Read intentions, remember?||
I haven't used that power for a long time. I wish I explored it more.
||Be careful about wishes too. You've said the word plenty of times.||
...I did?
||You did. My dear, what happened? Us spirits don't have loose lips about it.||
I genuinely forgot about wishes. It's been years since I put heaviness behind the word. My wishes for forgiveness weren't granted right after the banishment, and I assumed my words were falling on deaf ears.
||I understand now. God, it must be difficult to cope with it.||
I'll try to be careful and aware since my assumptions were most likely wrong. Do call me out on it whenever.
||Gladly.||
Pfft. Back in history, I was in an official meeting with Calamities again, forced to listen to their dronings about the beginnings of wars. This time, we were the ones in human form while other spirits weren't. One of those rare times when Esj wanted to show off his brand-new suit.
||He makes it often now, but at the last meeting, he had nothing to show. On another note... Baby, you looked good.||
Really? I was wearing a fitting black robe, and my long hair was slicked back and tied up in a bun; neatly dressed. I felt neat. Very different from my current fashion. I like wearing leather jackets and sweaters, albeit I miss this simplicity.
||Like a dark royalty. Much better fit than Esj who tried to command the room.||
You are more outspoken than usual.
||Oh love, if you haven't seen my weeks-long fantasies yet.||
You keep bringing me delight... when suddenly, Esj dragged me to the centre.
"Aht!"
"Whhaat?"
"Being a snob around us, eh?"
"No different than how you treat other spirits."
"Because we're the ones who do actual jobs."
What a foul utterance. "Be careful with that pride, you old fart."
"Be useful. It's all I'm asking."
"That's all I tried before! Yet all of you kept shutting down my ideas!"
"Because your ideas were stupid."
A pair of hands tense in mine. Oh Ki... This was a long time ago.
||I hate when people don't consider our words.||
We have each other and that's enough.
"How, Esj? Problems came from humans. Why not communicate with the source themselves?"
"They can't be reasoned with."
"We can talk with well-intentioned people." He was trying to retaliate but I spoke more. "I know how their intentions can be fickle too."
"Then why do you keep doing this?"
"What more can I suggest? Have faith that these humans will make an effort to stick to their intentions. Better than to create disasters all the darn time."
"You are the strangest spirit I've ever known, Aht. Why in the heavens don't you like killing these people? It's natural."
"I don't have to like it and it's not my decision to make. It's Theirs. Always Theirs, Esj. Or did you forget that?"
His arrogant scoff always ticked me off. Before I knew it, we all fell and I was damn cheery when the meeting was over.
Over the lush forest, a large volcanic mountain came into view. Low clouds speckled across the sky, reminding me of its humidity back then. A cave near the base of the mountain had a hot spring, and its ceiling was wide open. Most of my crystals were scattered in there.
||This was magnificent... You're magnificent so it makes sense.||
No need to butter me up, sweetheart.
||If that's buttering you up, I can lick you clean.||
Holy mother— Your corny lines are strangely rousing.
||I was doing fine when you were in town. Then here you are in my arms... And you love my lines.||
They do tickle my brain.
||Good.||
"Aht."
Oh bother. I kept walking towards my mountain when Muhl trudged behind me.
"I heard what you said to Esj. If you keep suggesting—"
"What are you going to do?" I snapped. "You'll bring thunderstorms over my mountain? He'll hurricane my forest? I'd like to see Wuni flood my place down. And I'll bring fire. To all of you. Make everything worse and not just to humans."
She took a step back. Volcanic eruptions and mix with all those? More catastrophic than the war. My volcano was small compared to others, but I would give my all to bleed out the guts of Earth endlessly.
"You wouldn't do it. You love your forest and everything."
"You're right, Muhl. Though I'd give myself demise to prove a point."
"Are you crazy?? Don't you love yourself to the point you'd do it?"
"Because I love myself enough to know that I'm STUCK HERE!"
My abrupt roar scared a flock of poor birds. She frowned, giving me this... chiding look as if I were a child. It's funny since I'm older than her.
||This conversation reminds me a lot of my friends and I...||
Tch. Mobile spirits. I know Muhl at some point wants to settle down and we can't have everything, but everything has risks.
||Exactlyyy.||
I took this price without blaming anyone.
Muhl groaned, "Give it up. As your friend—"
"You're not my friend." She flinched, hurt by my words. How could she? "Don't give me that look, friends aren't supposed to look down on one another. What you did with others when I brought out my ideas..."
"I thought you were joking!"
"Leave, alright?"
She became upset and finally left.
I admit, I miss this place. I made the right weather of mist and warmth, my forest was thriving, and the creatures in it were lively.
Ki, are you cuddling with me right now?
||Yes. Is that a complaint?||
Is that a trick question?
||I'll give you a warning next time. Where is this place?||
I lived in the Dutch East Indies. Which place? I don't give a rat's tail. My place was hidden, like yours too. Pretty dizzy to show these events out of order. The timeline is shifting about... Look! I shape-shifted a lot too!
||Wait, go back.||
Hm? When?
||When you shifted into a woman. Naked.||
So I do. Back when I was a naked woman for a time and lay down on the grass, watching the clouds.
You are my very own pervert huh?
||Man or woman, your skill was down pat. You're gorgeous in this too... Those curves were a sin! More voluptuous than mine.||
...I was curious like you, remember?
||Moving on. I don't want to jump on you right now. Not yet.||
Makes me wonder if this is the male side of you jumping out.
||Aht.||
My sweet, have you always been this aggressive on the inside?
||Aht.||
Especially thinking about me?
||AHT. So help me, I'd—!||
Adorable. Anyway, I erupted a lot. Had to kill plenty of settlers and renew my forest, and the last time I did was decades ago. Somehow I knew Their command for me would come during this time. This impending notion... I brushed it aside since it's on schedule. It should happen decades later.
I practised sparring, became weather and a lake, and took care of the animals. All in all, just like you.
||You liked shape-shifting as a snake, didn't you? I noticed.||
I did. Easier to find interesting things in small nooks.
||...This explains it.||
Oh? Do tell.
||Ehem. After this.||
Don't tell me it's about my cock.
||HAHA! No no... While yours is impressive, I'm talking about something else. Hey! You practiced with daggers? How come I didn't know this?||
Sweetheart, there are no knives or daggers around to show you.
||I can conjure them up for you. You looked so good using them. You can fight with me, with our weapons and our bodies...||
...
||Baby, your face is warm.||
NOT RIGHT NOW, MOVING ON.
Where was I? Right, I was curious about outside but figured it wasn't worth the trouble. I floated through time until people came over to the foot of my mountain and built a village.
It was nighttime when I finally saw their village and lanterns, buzzing with people who were up and about. It was alive! Do you know what I did?
||Ooo you didn't—!||
I did! Appearing as a man, I plodded down to their street. I roamed around, still grasping how—
||Magical this was.||
Indeed. When the yellow lights clashed with the darkness when I watched them from up there. Fascinating, really.
||I understand. Why did you stop in front of that shop?||
I smelled something delicious. Went inside, I didn't know it was a bakery until the seller told me. When I bought and ate the crispy bread, I couldn't taste a damn thing. Such a waste.
Then, I saw an old man on the street, who gave a speech to a small crowd about fighting against the Japanese soldiers. He was a spirited chief, coaxing a cheer from them. I found out there was another war, and these people were refugees.
||You were banished... only a few years ago?||
Yes, my Ki.
||But you experienced a lot from the way your stories were told.||
Unfortunately. Not all was bad since there were slivers of joy between this shitshow. I just... I can see why humans die early from stress. Too many things are happening in one go. Even humans struggle to adapt to changes, much less a higher spirit who was permanent in place.
"Apa kabar?" I greeted the chief.
"Kamu bukan manusia, kan?"
Right away, he knew I wasn't a human.
||Because of your height?||
It played a part too, albeit other villagers dismissed me after their initial shock, assuming I was tall and nothing more.
"Kamu ini memiliki tenaga suci, cuma kurang kentara. Tidak ada manusia yang memilikinya," he continued.
I don't know how he sensed my divine aura, despite its suppression. Perhaps it leaked. Given my looks weren't exactly from there or from Japan? The chief was on high alert.
He questioned what I was. "Apakah kamu?"
"Saya tidak bisa mengatakannya." I grimaced.
"Mengapa?"
"Aku benar-benar tidak bisa mengatakannya. Aku hanya ingin tahu tentang dunia manusia," I reassured him.
I asked him to show me their world. He and other villagers taught me the next day.
||He knew you were sincere.||
Or scared of me. I read him and sure enough, he had both. Warned him not to touch the forest more than he should. He, oh-so-sure, agreed. He had a word for our kind as he kept assuming who I was. "Jinn."
I laughed at his labelling. "Betulkah?"
And...
...
Every day I sensed my changes. For the life of me, I was too comfortable among humans, even though I didn't foster any deep relationships at the time. Didn't shirk my responsibilities, however. Took care of my forest and the creatures in it, and still went to those useless meetings. I didn't care much about the changes and the war because I got to live a life for once. I figured I could deal with them later.
Naive since I didn't take heed of how bad the devastation was outside.
||Who were those people? The ones who paced through your forest...? Oh my word.||
The soldiers. They found the village.
It was a nightmare.
Blood and screams. The village was on fire. Men were killed or forced to be labour slaves. Women and children were taken to a building. I snuck into it and shifted into a woman again, so I wouldn't scare the others. I had to know what was going on.
"Mengapa kamu di sini??" Mak Zaiton panicked, hugging her children close. Hidayat and Budi were their names... I remember all those who taught me.
I calmed her down and asked, "Apa yang sedang berlaku? Mengapa semua wanita dikumpul di sini dengan anak-anak?"
||They were so afraid...||
Rightly so because—
"Mereka ingin kita menjadi hamba-hamba nafsu mereka," she cried.
||This is disgusting. Loathsome. Took these people as comfort women? And the children...||
Before I knew it, the soldiers went in and saw me. Ki, you're tensing again.
"Watashitachi ga koko ni motte iru nante sutekina shōfu," one of the soldiers said.
I replied, "Kuso kurae."
||The way those soldiers looked at you. I'd make them eyeless too.||
Sorry, baby. I killed them first.
Manifesting my daggers with difficulty, those pathetic men's guts spilt after I attacked swiftly. I wiped the bloody knives on my dress and became a man again. The captives were scared until they recognised me and followed me through the plundered village.
Soldiers were alerted when I led the captives toward the forest. This was where all went downhill.
||Oh Their Highness... Your forest was on fire.||
At first, I didn't notice this lingering pinch in my chest since I was full of adrenaline. When I saw my home like this and the pain was fading, I knew my banishment was coming. I couldn't feel my home anymore.
I discovered that the chief set my forest on fire. Before he could flee, I asked him why. "Kenapa kau melakukan ini padaku!?"
"Untuk menghentikan lebih banyak tentara yang akan datang ke sini!" he justified himself.
"Ada cara lain selain menghancurkan hutanku!!" I chastised, shaking his shoulders. "Hancurkan aku..."
||Why didn't he use other ways to stop the incoming reinforcements? Why did he have to ruin your forest?||
"Tidak ada yang peduli dengan hutanmu!"
||Oh...||
Yeah. He truly didn't give a damn. Thought it was easier.
His work was in vain when the soldiers came, despite the wildfire. I thought about the villagers who would not stand a chance against these monsters, how my home was ruined unnaturally due to the intense burn, and how I'd be a human soon. I looked up to the heavens, asking whether this was a sign of a brutal lesson.
I knew in my gut. Time. I was lost in time from the moment I stepped into this village. I was aware of the war outside, the changes, and Their incoming command. But I ignored them, thinking I could hold them off somehow.
And this chaos bit me back.
Before I lost attachment to my beloved home, I became one with the volcano and erupted, spreading my fire to the world again. As a final duty for Their command and mercy for the villagers. It was the least I could do.