"You ready Wills" Ben asks, peeking into my bedroom.
I am sat, lost in thought, in the chair beside my window.
The joint party tonight was at the local hotel. We were due to leave imminently, and yet I couldn't move, my feet felt glued to the floor. I wasn't sure if my intuition was trying to warn me, trying to save me from what was about to happen, but unfortunately, I would ignore it.
"Yes" I reply, offering a weak smile and standing.
"You look beautiful little sister" Ben says, taking in my dress, a modest and yet beautiful sun dress, something Charlotte had picked out and my mom had begged me to wear as she thought it looked adorable.
It was white, with a shirred top, with little birds printed on it, a perfect dress for Allie, it had buttons that went up over my chest and a squared neckline. It was feminine and beautiful, and it made me feel like the young woman I had just become, still a teenager of sorts but with one foot stepping out into adulthood before me.
"Thank you Benny" I return with a smile, and I slip on my shoes.
"I must thank you, for helping me find Allie the perfect birthday present"
I look up and meet his warm smile "of course" I return, and I feel a pang of regret that I had given that book to Ben. It was meant to be from me.
I had bought Allies birthday presents weeks ago, and this book of poetry, I knew it would mean a lot to her. I saved up and bought it as soon as I could, but when Ben came to me days ago, upset, that he had no idea what she liked, I couldn't help but want to help him. He clearly loved her, and she liked him, no matter how she may not share it with me. I had to put aside my own feelings, and let him have a chance, because when I declared my love for Allie later tonight, I wanted it to be an equal playing field. I wanted Allie's honest answer, not just what I wanted to hear.
"Did she love it" I ask.
He nods with a grin "she loved it so much Willa... she was blown away, although I admit, I feel a little guilty it wasn't my idea"
"I'm glad she loved it" I return painfully.
"Don't feel guilty Ben" I say standing "she would have loved the thought, whomever it came from"
He opens the door, as we filter out and down the stairs, to my mom and dad, who await at the door.
"Ready kids" my dad calls. "The whole family is there and waiting" he adds, as we make our way out to the car.
***
The party is loud and music spills out front of the building as we approach. Our parents had jointly rented out the hotels entertainment area, usually it was reserved for wedding receptions. Our parents wanted Allie and I to have a joint party, with all of our large families, extended family, friends, and of course church folk. I had no idea at the time that my parents were aware of Bens proposal. Part of the desire for a large event, I hadn't realised, was to invite everyone they had ever met to witness the engagement of my best friend, to my brother. The more I thought about that later, the more it was like that night I was invited to the place of my death, strung along naively to the place my life would be ripped apart, like being led to my fate, dragged and thrown into a cage. I was forced to watch the love of my life from it, handed to my brother, willingly, as everyone cheered and then set upon it. I was devoured by the atmosphere, the sight of her leaving me. She would be ripped from me that night.. with no sedation, no pain killers blocking the receptors in my brain from feeling each and every torturous tug, pull, rip of her. It was like she was pulled her left and right, tearing the fabric of her being from my fucking soul, and throwing her into Bens arms, where she would be bound to him haphazardly. She didn't belong there, she didn't fit, there was no part of Allie that fit into his soul, not as she had fit so seamlessly into mine, they didn't belong, and nobody saw it, as the air would leave my lungs... and we would cease to exist. We were no longer cohabiting the one soul, and I think part of me died, this night.
"Willa" Allie calls excitedly as she races from the venue and wraps me in her arms.
"Happy birthday Allie" I whisper into her neck as she holds me tightly.
She is adorable, in a soft yellow empire dress, with slightly puffed sleeves and a silk waist band that draws in her silhouette. She looks stunning, her hair is in a waterfall plait, her favourite, her hair tousled down her back like red waves, and a braid like a crown circles her brow.
I hand her a small bag of gifts, as she releases me. "Thank you" she returns.
Her mother takes it from her hands "Hi Willa" she greets "I will put this on the gift table for later" she promises "you look beautiful honey" she adds, squeezing my shoulder before she disappears with my mom through the doors.
Ben hangs about beside us, waiting for Allie to acknowledge him too. Allie senses him there and smiles "Hey" she finally acknowledges.
He takes her hand, and she looks at me like a deer in headlights, as he walks her through the door ahead of me. I stand there for a moment, alone, the first moment she was walked away from me. I should have turned and left. I should have taken it as a sign, but Lehi appears at my side, and slips his arm into mine "may I take this beautiful girl into her party" he asks.
My face lights up to see his familiar smile set upon me. Oh Lehi. He was like a ray of sunshine on a dark day. "You're back from your mission"
He nods. "Yes, and I will tell you all about it another day, tonight is yours Ms Jameson" he says with an endearing smile that lifts his eyes.
Lehi walks me into the party.
My mom races over with Charlotte, and one of her brood attached to her hip. "Lehi" they both gush "when did you return" my mom asks.
He smiles politely "this morning"
My brothers begin to approach "Lehi" they each acknowledge, almost as if they are approving of my choice in birthday date, which of course he wasn't, but they didn't know that.
"Love him for you" Byron whispers, as he approaches.
I flinch at his words. They had no idea I was gay, and the more they thought of Lehi as my perfect match, the harder this would be, to have them take me seriously.
"Love this guy" Brams voice booms as he fist bumps Lehi's.
.
Ben walks over with Allie, her hand still in his. "Lehi" he says excitedly "you came" he says thrilled.
***
"Did you invite him Ben" I ask him.
Ben smiles, and squeezes my hand "I confess I did..." he whispers, away from earshot of Willa.
"I think those two are meant to be, I always have... can't you see it" he gushes, as he looks at them, lovingly, arm in arm, surrounded by family and friends.
I look back to Willa, to Lehi, and his arm clutching hers, and I frown, no I don't see it... I don't see it at all.
"Willa Wallis, Ben" I offer acidly.
He lets out a laugh "that's cute though right" he asks me.
I look up to him, and raise my eyebrows "is it" I ask sarcastically.
"So who would you rather take her hand one day" he asks me teasingly.
The answer that echos, that haunts me....is...
Me.
The party is loud, the music is blaring and people are happy and enjoying the buzz of energy that flows through it. The vibe is positive, and congratulatory. Everyone greets Willa and I, with so much love and affection, it is hard to remain fearful of our future. We had tonight, and I would soak it up, all of it, most importantly Willa.
"Dance with me" I beg.
I drag her by the hand, to the dance floor once again, surrounded by family and friends. I fling her around to a popular pop song. As I throw my arm, and her, away from me, her lips lift into the largest grin, and her teeth appear with the way it makes her heart joyful, and mine matches it. I am completely at ease with Willa's hand in mine, and her laugh filling my ears, her belly aching laugh, as she curls back into my arms. I release her again, never once letting go of her finger tips. If a dance card could be filled by one, let it be Willa, if a dance could go on, into the after life, I will take this one, this night.
"I've been thinking" I begin, pulling her back into my body, and wrapping my arms around her shoulders.
"Don't hurt yourself" Willa teases.
We begin to sway a little, as the song changes to something slower.
I lean my head against her shoulder, and my eyes look up a little "Willa, did you tell Ben about that poetry book" I ask.
She looks down and meets my gaze, her hazel eyes unsure as they search mine.
"I know it was you" I accuse, filling the silence.
"I bought it...yes...but Allie, he didn't know what to get you, so it just felt kinder to help him out"
I let that information settle for a moment, of course it was Willa. Why would Ben know I even liked poetry?
A wave washed over my head then. I was drowning in my mistake...
Why do you do it
laugh so loudly
with joy like eternal springs
take my lips and lift them
High like angels wings
How do you know me
Like that
There's nothing you ever forget
Like your favourite category is me
You would win that
A competition for me
And your trophy
Engraved
Long before we even met
Willa
You would win that
me
***
Our parents stand together and clink their glasses in a toast to Allie and I. The room erupts into "happy birthday" sung awfully, but it made us laugh all the more.
We stand beside a rather large cake, and our mothers each hand us a knife, half the cake is yellow, and half is white. It is just like us, as we stand here in our yellow and white dresses, most likely picked by our mothers to match the damn cake.
Lights flicker as people take photos. Allie looks to me as flashes light up the darkness, like fireworks, and with each flash, my heart races. My eyes find hers, things start to slow as if we are in slow motion, her hand takes the knife and slowly raises it to the bottom tier of the cake, and mine does the same. For a moment, my mind wonders to thoughts of a wedding, our wedding. We stand in joyous rapturous applause as we cut our cake, each person here beyond joyful for our union, and the taste of this moment, it was just like that of the cake, sweet and fulfilling.
My mom breaks the moment by taking the knife from my hand "beautifully done sweetheart" she acknowledges, and yet my eyes are still drawn to Allie.
Our eyes intensely take each other in, as if we had both just seen the same thing....had the same vision.
"There are no plates" my mom says, beside me.
I snap out of the moment, removing my gaze, and feeling every urge to leave now, to remove myself for fresh air.
I decide to step out "I will go get some plates mom" I suggest, making haste.
Ben catches Allie by the hand as she is about to follow after.
***
I am gone five minutes, but when I walk back through the hall, with the plates, I realise how eerily quiet it is in the hall up ahead.
The music has died, only one voice is heard.
"Ben" I whisper.
Before I can open the door, I hear Allie "yes... yes of course I will"
I open the door as an applause rings out, and like a parting is forced between the guests, she is there ahead of me, a ring on her finger, a smile on her face, and Ben is on bended knee.
He rises to his feet, and kisses her cheek.
I am blown back like I'm caught in a blast, my hand reaching for my chest, the pain is instant, horrific and consuming.
Allie had just said "yes" to having my brother as her husband, to leading a life, having a family, and loving him, loving him and creating their forever...
Pain.
Allie's mother captures her in a hug as our family's swarm them.
Allie's eyes find me, over her mothers shoulder, and she must see it then... the break... the anguish, my face was covered in tears.
I dropped the plates into Lehi's hands beside me, and ran. I ran so fast I didn't hear the beeps of cars horns as I crossed the road, and made my way erratically away from my fate.
A fate without Alberta... a fate worse than death.
Is it panic in your eyes
A sense of dread
Or do I see my reflection
A true representation
Of how it feels
Watching you leave
Watching you go
Into his arms
And out of mine
Don't reach for me again
Allie
I'm dead
***
My heart races as my body tries to keep up with my need to find her, to find Willa and explain, but she is nowhere. I frantically search each room before finding myself out the front of the building.
Tears sting my eyes "Willa" I call out, panicked, but to no avail, because she is long gone and before I can even try and catch my breath I spot the silver necklace upon the gravel.
I bend and pick it up, Willa's necklace, with the ring attached, the chain is broken. An omen if ever there was one. I had broken her, her trust in me, and now I needed to find her and make her see, that I didn't know it was tonight, and I still wasn't sure what the hell I was doing. I needed her on this journey, and I couldn't live this life or marry her brother if she wouldn't be there in our life, or if she wasn't happy about it. What was the point of it all, if she hated me for it?!
Oh Willa, let me explain.
We wouldn't talk again, not until the last night, when I would see her in the clearing. She would avoid me, but she did sign our engagement card that her family had sent (or so I thought) I took that as the only answer she could give right now, yes, she accepted it.
I honestly felt like it wasn't the marriage she hated, but the fact I had let her down by not being honest about the courtship. I hoped beyond hope she would forgive me, before the wedding, and be my maid of honour, because she would be the only person I needed and looked for that day.
Oh Willa, I need you.