a/n: this chapter will be covering a ten day period post-miscarriage. So when i add "day 1" that just means however many days since the day of the miscarriage. also the pov switches back and forth so pay attention to whose thoughts you're reading. enjoy <3
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Harry Styles
Day 1
I didn't sleep last night.
I stayed up all night watching Andi, making sure she was comfortable and getting enough rest. She lays cuddled into me, sleeping peacefully with her legs slotted between mine and her arms tucked into her chest.
On two different occasions, she started crying in her sleep before waking herself up from the excruciating pain, begging me to somehow make it feel better.
It broke my fucking heart.
I gave her as much pain medication as her body could take before it was too much, but it still wasn't enough. Eventually, I think she exhausted herself back to sleep both times as I rubbed her back and played with her hair.
What's even worse is imagining the kind of pain she's going through mentally. Andi's fucking strong, but I know that the emotional toll this has on her far outweighs the physical pain.
The look in her eyes when she looked at me and asked me not to let her go because she knew what was happening is something that is going to be ingrained in my brain forever. I'm never going to be able to forget the pain in her voice as she screamed my name while I was walking through the front door.
I can't even imagine the thought of how she was feeling before I got there, thinking she was all alone and had to do this by herself again.
After that, I don't know how I'll ever manage to leave her alone again.
Yesterday feels like a nightmare that I'm waiting to wake up from. I started the morning by taking the kids to Shawns early so that Andi and I could spend the morning together just the two of us before the appointment. I knew she would wake up nervous and scared, so I had every intention to make the morning as easy as possible for her. I left almost two hours earlier than she had been waking up so I had time to crawl back into bed with her.
I just wanted her to be happy and comfortable, and instead, she's miserable and in extreme pain.
Right now, it's almost eleven in the morning. I'm expecting Andi to rest and lay low in bed for however long she needs, but especially over the next week. Nancy said that the pain she's feeling is similar to labor contractions and that even if she looks fine, she's most likely not.
Labor type pains and they just send you home thirty minutes later with some basic over-the-counter pain medication and a brief explanation on how it'll pass on its own.
It's fucking ridiculous.
Before this, I didn't really know much about miscarriages, to be honest. I obviously knew what they were, but until Andi told me about the first one, I had never taken the time to educate myself on them.
Since then, and especially since she found out she was pregnant this time, I spent a lot of time learning everything I could about what happened, why it happened, and how to deal with it if it ever happened again.
I prayed to God that I'd never need to know that last one, but here we are.
A light knock on the door as me turning my head towards it before it's being cracked open to reveal a tired-looking Skye. "How is she?" She whispers.
I only respond by glancing down at the sleeping Andi, not entirely sure how to word how exactly I think Andi's doing.
"I need to head to work, but I'll text you," I nod. "Shawn's bringing the kids back here in a minute. I wasn't sure if you guys were planning to tell him so I didn't say anything." I mouth a thank you to Skye and she just purses her lips together before nodding and closing the door.
I don't know what I would have done without Skye. She calmed me down and picked up the extra slack in the last day. She even stayed here last night to make sure both of us were fine. She explained what the doctors didn't and gave me a better idea of how to help Andi since she was there last time.
It would have been so easy for Skye to leave me on my own or explain everything in a condescending way like I probably deserved, but she didn't.
The sound of the front door opening and little feet against the hardwood floor has me sucking in a breath as I try to come up with how I want to approach this situation. I press a light kiss to Andi's head and carefully slide my arm out from under her before slipping on some clothes and heading downstairs, quietly closing the door behind me.
At the bottom of the stairs stands Ellie with Lovey the bunny in her arms as she stands next to Shawn holding Rome. The kids are dressed in their pajamas still and Shawn immediately has a worried look on his face as soon as his eyes land on me walking down the stairs.
"Daddy!" Ellie collides with my legs as I reach her, bending down to pick her up. "Missed you," she wraps her arms around me in a hug.
"I missed you guys too, baby."
"Where's momma?"
I look at Shawn, biting the inside of my cheek as I try to string the words together. "Mumma's not feeling well. She's going to be sick for the next little while, so I'm going to need your help until she's better. Think you can do that?"
Ellie nods excitedly. "I can do that! Can I see her?"
"Not right now, El. She's resting, but maybe later we can go give her a cuddle."
Ellie seems slightly disappointed, and I have to admit that it hurts my heart a little. She probably misses Andi. It's been over a day since she's seen her, which is the longest they've been apart since the accident.
I set Ellie back on the ground, watching her run off towards the living room before I take Rome from Shawn and give him a kiss as well.
"Is Andi alright?"
Rubbing the back of my neck as I swallow the lump in my throat, I feel my eyes watering. "No, she's not. But she will be."
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Day 2
Harry Styles
Thrashing next to me is what wakes me from the light slumber I had managed to fall into. I sit up to glance at Andi, my heart breaking when I hear her gut-wrenching cries and whimpers as her hands clutch at her chest like she can't breathe.
"Andi," I shake her lightly, trying to wake her up but not scare her even more. She only cries harder, her breathing picking up. "Andi, baby, hey... wake up."
There are tears falling from her closed eyes and she has the most pained look on her face. "Harry..." she mumbles causing my heart to drop. "Ple-please don't... don't leave me, please."
"Andi, Andi, I'm here. Please wake up." I'm sitting all the way up now, watching her as she continues to thrash around and cry in her sleep. Not knowing what else to do, I pick her up and settle her into my lap with her knees bent to her chest. My heart shatters as I listen to her whimper and cry in my arms, unsure if she's completely asleep or awake at this point.
"I'm sorry, Harry. I'm sorry..."
"Shh. It's okay, you're okay. I've got you, I promise." I feel the lump in my throat begin to form and my eyes start watering as I rock her back and forth. I kiss her head and lightly play with her hair, not sure how else I can soothe her.
I stay in this position, listening to her cry for a solid ten minutes before she falls back into a silent sleep in my arms. Once I know that she's officially fallen back asleep, I finally let my own silent tears fall, hesitant to move or make a sound and wake her again.
***
"Be very gentle with mummy, okay? She's still sick but she wants to see you."
Ellie smiles as she looks up at me at our spot in front of the bedroom door. "Okay, daddy I will!"
With Rome in my arms, I slowly open the bedroom door to reveal a tired-looking Andi sitting up against the headboard in our bed. As soon as she sees Ellie and Rome, a smile spreads across her face. The first one I've seen from her in three days.
"Momma!" Ellie takes off running towards the bed before doing her best to pull herself on top of it. Andi moves to help her but I beat her to it, lifting Ellie up the rest of the way. Ellie carefully crawls over to Andi before Andi situates her on her lap to face her. "Missed you," Ellie reaches out to touch Andi's face, making my chest tighten.
"I missed you so much, El." It's the first time I've heard Andi speak in a tone that doesn't completely shatter my heart. It kind of mends it instead.
Ellie reaches behind her to grab her bunny. "I brought you Lovey to make you feel better."
Another small smile spreads across Andi's face. "Really? You're going to let me use Lovey?" Ellie nods excitedly. "Thank you, babe. I really need her."
I make my way over to the bed before sitting down next to Andi as I set Rome down on the mattress. He starts crawling to Andi before she's reaching her arms out to grab him and set him on the side of her with one arm wrapped around his tiny body. He does the same as Ellie, reaching out and touching her face and mumbling 'mumma' over and over again.
What I hope are happy tears start forming in Andi's eyes as she talks to Ellie and Rome, listening intently as Ellie catches her up on everything that's happened in the last couple of days since Andi last saw them.
I watch them interact, making note of every little thing Andi does so I can determine when she's had enough and I need to take the kids back to Shawn. She looks tired, but there's a sort of fondness to her eyes that I haven't seen in the last three days.
She doesn't look like that when she looks at me.
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Day 3
Andi Rhoades
Nausea wakes me from my sleep and has me shooting out of bed and running to the bathroom. Harry's not far behind me, most likely waiting for me to wake up so we can go through our little routine like we do every morning.
He's doing everything he normally does, holding my hair and rubbing my back, waiting for me to finish. I puke a few more times before tears start building in my eyes and I fall back to my ass on the tile floor. Resting against the wall, I stare at Harry across from me where he sits on his knees, looking right back at me.
He looks so fucking exhausted.
Dark circles shadow under his eyes and his cheekbones look more defined than they should. He looks like he hasn't slept in days.
"Feel better?" His voice sounds raspy and tired in the worst way, yet his eyes still hold a look of care.
The tears are still sitting in my eyes as I stare at him. "Seems a little unfair that I still have to endure the pregnancy symptoms with no pregnancy." The words tumble from my mouth without thinking. I don't like complaining, especially to Harry when he's hurting too, but waking up the last three days to extreme nausea has me a little frustrated.
It was worth it when I thought I was getting a baby out of it.
"I'm sorry, A." I can't count how many times the two of us have repeated those words back and forth to each other in the last three days. "I called Nancy to ask how long it should last and she said anywhere from three to seven days."
I only nod in response, but my stomach flutters slightly at the thought of him calling Nancy to ask her little questions about my wellbeing. "Thank you."
"C'mere, let's get you back to bed. I'm gonna go get the kids up before Shawn gets here." Harry stands up before helping me do the same. I walk fine, but that doesn't stop Harry from keeping a hand on me at all times as he leads me back to bed and helps me lay back down. "Do you need anything?" He asks me after kissing my cheek.
I shake my head no, "Do you need anything?" I turn the question back on him.
"I'm okay if you're okay."
I bite my lip in response before nodding as he turns to leave. Faintly, I can hear Ellie as I imagine Harry waking her up and wishing her good morning. Then, Rome's giggles echo through the house before Harry's taking them downstairs.
For the last three days, I've basically spent the majority of time in bed unless it's to throw up or use the bathroom. I'm getting sick of being in bed, but I truly don't feel well enough to leave. My cramps have lessened by a tiny bit but still aren't manageable without copious amounts of pain medication and constant heat compress.
It's my mind that's fucking me over the most.
Every time I stare into Harry's eyes like I did today, the guilt hits me like a tsunami and makes it near impossible to ignore what I've done to him. I pretend like it's not bothering me for the sake of his feelings because I know that will only make him feel worse.
A knock on the door snaps me from my thoughts and has me turning my attention to Shawn peeking his head through the crack. "I'm in a bit of a crisis, and I could use your help."
My lips threaten to form a small smile. "My help?" He nods. "Well, come on then," I pat the spot next to me on the bed and he smiles before stepping in fully and making his way over to me.
I haven't seen Shawn since before the hospital trip. He's been here taking care of the kids, and Harry apparently told Shawn about the miscarriage, but I think he's been giving me space for the last few days.
I've grown so attached to Shawn, I found myself missing him in the last few days that we've been apart. As much as I love and appreciate Harry and everything he's done for me, I've craved any semblance of normalcy since before I ever even found out I was pregnant. Shawn is the person that I know will give that to me.
Before Shawn sits down, I watch him glance at me up and down before his face falls into one of pity. "Listen, I know you don't want my sympathy, but I just want to say that I'm sorry you're going through this." I go to reply but Shawn beats me to it, holding a hand up to silence me. "You deserve to have a baby, Andi. But more than that, you deserve to have a baby on your terms. When you want. One day you'll get that. You and Harry will get that."
My teeth sink into my bottom lip as I process his words and try to hold back my tears. I don't even know what to say, so instead I just pat the spot next to me again while a quiet 'thank you' falls from my lips.
Shawn sits down, holding his iPad in his lap. "So, what's the crisis?"
"Fuck, right. Okay, so my first draft of designs is due to my investors in two weeks, and I hate it all." I give him a raise of my brows to urge him to continue. "I mean, I thought I liked it, but it's just not something I'm in love with, you know?"
"And how exactly do you want me to help?"
He huffs and rolls his eyes playfully. "Don't fucking act like you don't have an eye for this stuff."
I flick him, "Aren't you supposed to be watching my kids?"
He scrunches up his face, threatening to laugh and it has me almost doing the same. "I'm trying to create my dream, and your hot ass husband wanted to hang out with them."
"Hot ass husband," I mock. "He's not my husband." Although one day I hope he will be.
"Yeah, sure whatever. Give it six months and I'll be making your wedding dress."
I scoff before snatching his iPad out of his hands and looking at the design he's got already. It's good. Really good, something I'd love to wear once it's done, but he's right. It's missing... something.
"Can I see that?" I ask, nodding my head to his apple pencil that he's holding. Shawn hands it to me and I start messing around on the screen, adding details to the red pantsuit design he's already drawn up. I don't know if what I'm doing makes sense or will add anything of value to the sketch, but I figure he can undo anything he hates. "What about... this?" Shawn looks at it with wide eyes. "Just delete it if you hate it, I won't care."
Shawn takes the iPad from my hands to get a better look. "Andi, what the fuck?"
"What?"
"Well, first of all, I'm pissed that I didn't do that myself. But second of all, how did you do that? It completely transformed the design."
I playfully roll my eyes and lean back against the headboard, crossing my arms over my chest. "Stop, you're being nice to me because you feel bad for me. I don't need fake compliments to make me feel better."
"Andi shut the fuck up that's not what this is. You- just... just one second." He swipes through a few times until he lands on a beautiful green dress that looks more formal than the other designs. "Fix this one. I hate it a lot."
The dress he hands off to me is beautiful but very simple and plain. It's a green tulle dress with hardly any character to it. I just go with my first instinct and move the straps on the shoulders to make it a single strap and create more depth across the chest portion. Then I move around the skirt of the dress and create a layer-like texture to give it more movement.
"Would you wear that?" He asks me with a serious tone and my mind suddenly thinks he hates it.
I give it another glance before answering. "Honestly...yeah. I would."
"Perfect." He's got a genuine smile on his face. "I love it."
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Day 4
Today was spent in bed with Andi. All four of us in bed. All day long.
It was good, almost perfect, even, except for that it just felt off between Andi and me. I hadn't even thought anything of it all day because we had the kids in bed with us and they normally take over most of the attention. But the kids fell asleep almost two hours ago, and every time I've suggested that we take them to bed, she refuses and wants to keep them between us. It's not a big deal, and normally it wouldn't mean anything other than maybe she wanted to spend time with them.
Except for that I've hardly touched her all day, which is certainly not like us. I'm always touching her some way or another, whether it's holding her hand, a hand in her hair, or just resting on her leg. It feels wrong to not be doing that right now.
It's not that she pushes me off her if I try to touch her, but I have noticed that she stills for a moment and remains tenser than she was before which makes me just move my hand. I don't ever want to do anything to make her uncomfortable.
I'm just trying to figure out when I became the thing that makes her uncomfortable.
Right now, Ellie and Rome lie in between us, fast asleep as the ending of Tangled comes to a close. Andi's sitting up against the headboard slightly with her head resting on her closed fist as she watches the children's movie.
Trying again, I reach my arm along the back of the kids' heads where I trace a finger up and down her forearm from her elbow all the way to her wrist.
As soon as my finger makes contact with her skin, I notice that her eyes widen slightly and her shoulders tense. I keep going as my heart feels like it's beating out of my chest, and it's not until Andi sits up completely, removing our contact that I physically feel my heart shatter.
"I'm going to take Ellie to bed, I'll be back to get Rome." I make a move to grab Ellie before she can say anything to stop me.
"I can bring Rome."
I shake my head, "No, just stay in bed. I'll get him in just a second." I don't mean for my words to come out as demanding as they do, but I don't miss the slight hurt that crosses her features as I respond. "I just don't want you hurting yourself, A."
Andi only nods before turning her attention back to the tv in front of her. I quickly take Ellie into her room before kissing her goodnight and tucking her in. When I make my way back into mine and Andi's room, I do the same with Rome after Andi kisses him goodnight.
Rome stirs for a second, making me have to rock him a bit to get him back to sleep before I set him in his crib. Once he's fast asleep, I head back to our bedroom, ready to just get in bed and fall asleep next to Andi.
Upon entry, I notice that she's not in bed where I left her but instead changing her clothes in the corner by the closet door. "Here, let me help you." Andi jumps at my voice and doesn't turn to face me as I approach her.
"I'm fine, Harry."
I round the side of her to look at her face and help her get dressed. I don't even catch a glimpse of her eyes before she's covering her naked chest while her eyes fall to the floor, avoiding mine. She's gone tense at me being in her close proximity, and I do my best not to let it affect me, but it fucking hurts that my presence bothers her this bad.
Did I do something wrong?
"Okay," I turn around to head back to the bed while she finishes. "Let me know if you need help."
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Day 5
Andi Rhoades
As I rinse out the conditioner from my hair under the hot stream of water, my mind races and my heart beats out of control as the thoughts flood my mind.
Over the past five days, I've had good days and bad days, or more so, good moments sprinkled into my bad days.
I haven't really experienced a full good day yet. It's like my mind can't conjure up anything good from the scenario I'm in. My thoughts are clouded with everything surrounding the miscarriage and I can't seem to find anything good lately. My past involves the first miscarriage, my present involves this miscarriage, and I can't think about the future without worrying that I'll end up in this same situation again.
As I step out of the shower into the steamy room, I do my best to get dressed before the steam dissolves and reveals my reflection in the mirror.
I do this every day; avoid looking at myself.
Ever since I took my first shower by myself and saw my naked body in the mirror, something inside me became hateful towards it and ever wanting anyone else to ever see it. Like how could someone love something that only fucks them over?
I'm scared that Harry's going to get one glimpse of my body and be reminded that I can't give him the one thing he wants most because of it.
So I've been staying covered up in fear that he'll realize it. I wear baggy sweatpants and oversized tshirts or hoodies to keep myself completely hidden from him. I know he's realized, but he's too nice to question me, so he says nothing.
I don't want to be like this, I want us to be normal, but my mind is fucking with me to make me believe he won't want me again once he's reminded of what my body did to him.
Since the day Shawn came in to sit with me, he's been spending a few hours here a day doing the same thing. It's truly the only time in the day when I feel like things are at least a little bit normal.
I've been helping Shawn with his designs as well as starting some of my own. I never realized how therapeutic it could be to just... draw? I didn't think I would be good at it, but it's come very easy to me in my free time that I've been spending alone.
A knock on the door has me jumping slightly, "Andi? You alright?"
Harry's always checking in on me if I'm out of his sight for more than five minutes.
"I'm good. I'll be out in a second." I shove my leg through the sweats that I've been wearing the past three days, not even bothering to change. I'm still bleeding so fucking much, and since I can't wear tampons, I'm stuck to pads. So basically I wait until I bleed through my sweats before I make the move to change into new ones.
Not the greatest logic, but I'm sticking with it.
I take a deep breath before I open the door, preparing myself to face the same conversation with Harry that we've had every single minute of the day for the last five days.
"How are you feeling?" He asks.
"I'm fine," I tell him my same overused reply. "You okay?"
He nods, and I know he's going to tell me he's good before he opens his mouth. He doesn't look good, though. He looks terrible, worse than me.
But we both continue to lie to each other's face to avoid the hurt that comes with the truth.
_____________
Day 7
Andi Rhoades
As Harry and I lay in bed, the tv playing something random in the background while we sit on our respective sides of the bed in silence, I steal quick glimpses of him as he sits next to me. He has his hands to himself as he stares ahead, not even noticing me watching him.
I don't know what provokes me to do it, maybe I just wanted to test the waters and prove to myself that it's all in my head when I think about him not wanting me anymore. But In a haste decision, I'm pressing myself to the side of his body as I catch him off guard and attach my lips to his.
He obviously didn't see it coming, but after a second he's relaxing into the kiss as our mouths mold together and create a familiar rhythm. His hands stay on his abdomen where they were before as I use mine to cup his face and deepen the kiss. This is the first time we've really kissed in a week and I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it.
I let my hand wander down his chest, over his own hands and to the waistband of his joggers. I don't know what's gotten into me and has me feeling so aroused right now, but I know that I want- no, I need him.
Just as my hand begins to dip down further, Harry finally moves his own hands to snatch my wrist away from him completely before pulling away.
"Please, Harry," I whimper as I go in for another kiss, but he pulls away, dodging it. "Love me, please."
Harry breaks eye contact with me, biting the inside of his cheek. "No, Andi. I can't."
My heart sinks.
I pull away, feeling defeated and embarrassed as tears flood my lower lash line. Harry's quick to realize what just happened. "No, hey, no it's not like that, A. I love you, God- you know how much I love you. But it's barely been a week, Andi. Your body isn't ready for anything like that."
I only nod before turning around and laying down to face the wall rather than him as the tears continue to build in my eyes.
"Andi, please," he places a hand on my shoulder, making me flinch before he removes it and sighs. "I'm sorry."
That's the only confirmation that I needed to know that he sees my body in the exact way I do.
Useless.
_____________
Day 8
Harry Styles
The entire morning has been nothing short of miserable for everyone. Andi and I haven't said a word to each other.
My stomach's been in knots ever since last night. She completely shut down after I stopped her from taking the kissing further, and I know it's all my fault. I said the wrong words and it ruined the first good thing we've had since the hospital.
I woke up to her already out of bed and in the shower this morning. Her pregnancy symptoms seemed to have faded out almost completely because this is the second day she hasn't woken up nauseous.
While she was showering, I got the kids up and ready like I have every morning since everything happened. Shawn got here a bit ago and is helping me get Ellie and Rome breakfast, the two of us dancing around the conversation like we have been for the past week.
He comes to help me with the kids for a couple of hours and then he'll head upstairs to hang out with Andi. I try not to let it bother me that he always comes down smiling and mentioning that she seems good, but it does.
Because she seems anything but good to me.
"Oh good there you are!" My head turns in the direction that Shawn has spoken to where I see Andi standing at the bottom of the stairs in her usual attire with a solemn look on her face. "I want to show you the finished designs!"
Andi nods and bites her lip before making her way into the kitchen. She's been downstairs a couple of times in the last week, but I've always helped her or at least known that she was coming.
I know she doesn't need all the help that I offer her. She's told me that the pain is dwindling down to regular period cramps and she feels practically normal, but I can't help but overdo it when it comes to making sure she's comfortable.
"Want to sit outside and look at them?" Her voice sounds quiet like it's the first time she's used it today, probably because it is.
Shawn nods and grabs his stuff. "Yeah, let's go out on the patio."
I watch as the two of them make their way out the back door before sitting down on the outdoor furniture. Andi doesn't say a word to me the entire time, she hardly even looks at me as she passes by.
Andi pulls her feet under her on the couch and tugs her hoodie over her hands, hiding herself from the world completely.
Leaning against the counter, I continue to watch them through the glass door as they share conversation back and forth. A dagger stabs through my chest when I see Andi smile a real genuine smile before it turns into a giggle of light-hearted laughter.
She seems much more carefree and herself when she's out of my presence and in his. I haven't seen her like this in a week. Even though I'd rather it were me that could make her smile and laugh right now, I'm glad someone else that I trust can.
I just wish it was me.
_____________
Day 10
Andi Rhoades
Harry and I are driving home from my appointment with Nancy where she made sure the miscarriage had passed and everything was going back to normal. So far, my body seems to be healing and overcoming everything that's been thrown it's way.
If only I could say the same for my mind.
We've hardly spoken in the last three days unless it's something to do with the kids or asking simple questions to one another that require no more than a three-word response.
I stay staring out the window as Harry pulls back into the driveway of Max and Lila's house, not moving once he puts the car in park. "Andi, can you talk to me?"
I turn to face him, seeing his sunken eyes and swollen lips from biting them. I'm sure mine look the same. "About what?"
"Don't do that."
"Do what, Harry?"
He sighs in frustration. "We haven't had a real conversation in almost two weeks. This isn't us. We," he motions between the two of us, "don't do this. We don't have communication problems."
"So what would you like to talk about?" My tone comes off snarky and sarcastic, and I'm not sure if I mean for it to.
"Fucking hell Andi, stop it." He's getting angry, which is hardly something I ever see from him. "Why won't you talk to me? You hardly even look at me, and you get all tense if I touch you."
My heartbeat quickens and my stomach drops at his words. I break eye contact with him before glancing down to my hands on my lap. I can't even muster up a reply as I feel my chest grow heavy and my hands start to tremble.
"Did I do something?" His voice is back to being insecure and weak, and it's enough to make my heart stop beating. I shake my head, my eyes becoming glassy. "Then what's happening to us?"
Something about the way he words it breaks me, causing me to let out a sob before I'm leaning forward on my elbows and burying my face in my hands as I start to break down.
"C- can I touch you?" He asks and it only hurts more. He's never had to ask me that before. I nod into my hands and not even a second later do I feel Harry's warm hand on my back before he's pulling me into his side from across the console. Harry presses a lingering kiss to the top of my head as I cry into his shoulder.
"I- I'm sorry," I heave out between cries.
His hand runs up and down my arm. "Sh... no more sorry's, okay?" I nod into him. "I just want to be there for you, baby. I don't understand why you're shutting me out."
"You're hurting too," I tell him. "And I'm the reason for that."
"Andi, no you're not. None of this is your fault. There's no way you could have prevented it."
I stay in my spot, not moving against him. This is the closest we've been in a week besides our short-lived makeout in bed. I almost forgot what it feels like to be held by him and comforted by his words.
It feels like home.
"I'm scared," I decide to be honest with him for the first time in ten days.
"Of what?"
I take a deep breath, shutting my eyes so tight that it begins to hurt. "I'm scared that you'll realize you deserve better."
"What are you talking about?"
"You deserve someone that can give you a baby, Harry." I feel him still next to me before relaxing again and keeping up his movements. "I'm scared that the next time you see me naked it's going to be a reminder that I might not be able to do that."
The truth comes out.
I don't feel any better.
In fact, I feel worse because I realize just how true my words are.
__________
ouchie.
this one almost hurt worse than the last. next one isn't any better.
please say you still love me.
ky <3