"Yeah, that's- that's really weird. If you'll excuse me." I say and speed away from the table, heading towards the restrooms.
After entering, I close the door behind me, walk up to the sink and grab the cold pottery, letting my head hang down while I try to calm my breathing.
Fucking anxiety.
I turn on the faucet and let the cold water run over my sweaty hands, bringing them to my face after my hands cooled down. Over and over again, till I feel my panic attack get weaker. This always helped me the fastest, I think feeling the water cool me down distracts me from my thoughts. Sounds stupid, but works.
I look towards the door as it gets opened and see Scott walk in with a concerned look on his face.
"You okay?" he asks carefully, knowing damn well how hard these attacks can get. But it's fortunately a smaller one, otherwise the water wouldn't have helped.
"Yeah, fuck she must believe I'm peculiar." I say and brush through my hair with my cold fingers.
It was stupid. I should have simply just made something up, I'm an actor for god's sake. But I was never good at lying. It's easier when you have lines that you're supposed to say and the context of filming, it's great. But when it's actually real life lying I have every tell you can possibly have. I get pad, I sweat, my eyes gaze, I'm touching my face and sometimes, when I really don't know what to say, I have a panik attack.
Like the one I had a few seconds ago.
"She doesn't think that, Chris. She's just a bit confused I guess. You can simply fix that." he says and I just look at him questionably. "Tell her."
"Scott." I frown.
"What? It would explain why Ben asked for her name." he says while shrugging his shoulders.
"I should have picked her up, why did he even ask for her name? He should have just lead her to our table after she asked for us, not interrogate her. Man, what did he think?"
"He was just careful, and you know that."
"I'm just, I don't know, angry at myself I guess."
"May I ask why you're so afraid of just telling her who you are? I mean it's not like your an axe murderer, or ex junkie. Your just, famous."
"Scott, I've never met someone like her before. When we're together, I feel like I'm someone I've always wanted to be. I'm just some normal guy who meets a girl at a beach bar. For the first time in my life there are just two people getting to know each other, without all the drama and all the rumours. This is what I've always searched for. In some brief moments I found it in acting but now it's real life. This is what I've longed for all this time. I was unhappy for ages and for the first time in years, I am happy again, I am living. And I am so scared that the truth might ruin it. Or worse, scare her away. I can't loose her, Scott. I know I only met her yesterday but I can feel that this is different. This is rare. This is real."
He just stands in front of me with a shocked expression, mouth wide open and I'm sure he hasn't blinked one time since I started talking.
"Say something." I demand.
"I- I.." he stutters. "I really don't know what to say. I didn't know you felt like this. And I don't mean the Alison part, a blind man could tell, but that you were so unhappy with your life. Why didn't you just quit acting?"
"For this brief moments, I guess. I was scared that these were all I could get, I never imagined finding it outside a studio." I admit. "Sorry I never told you how I felt, but I felt so ungrateful. I hated myself for these thoughts."
He comes closer and pulls me into a hug, wraping his arms thightly around me.
"I understand your concerns, but I'm your brother, Chris. I have to tell you this and I have to be honest." he says before he pulls back and grabs my shoulders, looking deep in my eyes. "I can't promise you that you won't loose her, I wish I could. But you have to tell her, because if she finds out through anyone but you, and believe me, she will, she might never forgive you."
⊹ ⊹ ⊹ ⊹ ⊹
I sit back down at the table and grab Alisons hand in mine, squeezing it slightly.
"I'm sorry for my behavior just even." I say and bring her hand to my lips, placing a soft kiss at the back of her hand. "I wasn't feeling well."
"It's fine." she says. "Are you okay?"
"Now I am. Don't worry 'bout me."
Alison didn't bring up Ben's statement again, which I'm more than happy about, but I know that it will still play in her head, so I'm not off the hook yet. The conversation with Scott made me realize, that I have to tell her who I am, but I still don't know when. I kinda wanna wait for 'the right moment' but I am realistic enough that I know that this moment will never come, so I guess I'll just have to listen at my gut instinct.
After we ate, Ben came with the bill and a sorrowful gaze on his face after I told him what was going on. He must have apologized a thousand times before I could convince him it's alright. As cute as Alison is, she demanded to split the bill, but I managed to pay it. She's really something special.
We leave the restaurant over the glass door of the room we were in, not having to cross the main area again, that's stuffed at this time of the day.
As we made our way through the door I put on my cap and sunglasses and, to my relief, Scott did the same. The paparazzi, once they know I'm here with him, will look out for him too, so I'm glad he also covers himself.
You understand now why I despise this lifestyle?
I spread my towel on the hot sand near one of the beach bars and grab Alison's too, laying it on the ground right next to mine.
"Wanna go for a swim?" I ask her, nodding my head towards the sea.
"Uhm, yeah, sure." she answers and eventually pulls her shirt over her head, followed by her tight denim shorts. Maybe if she wouldn't be standing in front of me in only a thin bikini, I would have questioned her about her, almost nervous, answer but my mind certainly can't concentrate at anything other than her half naked body that is so close to mine.
Fuck, this woman really looks like a goddess.
I quickly remove my shirt too and hold my hand out for her to take. Her eyes roam down my chest for a moment before she smiles at me, intertwining our fingers. We head towards the water and a few metres in, she suddenly stops. I turn towards her, seeing her body tense up.
"Are you okay?" confused I take a step back towards her.
She stares at the water for a second before her eyes look into mine. "Promise me you won't laugh."
"About what?"
"Promise me first." she demands in a now more serious tone.
"I promise, Alison." I assure her. "What's wrong?"
She hesitates for a moment, watching the waves, before speaking up again. "I'm afraid of the sea. Like, afraid to swim in it. I know it sounds stupid." she tells me, bringing her gaze to her feet.
I step in front of her and bring her face in my hands, moving her head up until she looks at me again. "Being afraid of something isn't stupid, it's human. Everybody fears something. If you're feeling better, I'm extremely affraid of spiders, not exactly very manly, right?"
She giggles.
"Hey, I also didn't laugh!" I frown sarcastically.
"Sorry it's just- it came so unexpected, that's all." she says, now laying both of her hands over mine, that are still holding her face, smiling relieved. "Thanks for telling me. I do feel better now."
My eyes wander all over her face, branding every freckle, every detail of her features into my mind, until they land on her full lips. "God, you're beautiful."
And with that I pull her towards me, capturing her lips with mine, kissing her with all my heart. This intimate moment, when we revealed our fears, brought us right back to the connection we had last night. Were we weren't two strangers who just had met a few hours ago, but like two people who had known each other for a long time. Who were so close that they just felt comfortable around each other, whithout having any inhibitions. And these were gone the second our lips connected, making us one.
This kiss wasn't long, but full of affection, so much more intimate than the sex we had. It was my promise to her, that no matter what part of her life she will reveal to me, she could never chase me away. Because I was slowly, but the same time faster than I had ever considered possible, falling for her.
And that scared the shit out of me.
I slowly pull apart and rest my forhead against hers, sliding my hands over her shoulders down to her hands. "Do you trust me."
"Strangely, yes." she admits, opening up to me completely.
"Close your eyes." I request, hoping her trust in me is big enough.
She hesitates for a moment, her eyebrows forrowed, but eventually nods and closes her eyes as I had asked her. Slowly I walk us backwards through the warm water, small waves crashing against the skin of our legs, until they already hit us at the bottom of our stomach, beeing smaller considering we are already a few metres deeper inside the ocean.
Alisons posture is a lot more relaxed than earlier, following me at ease. I can't believe how far we made it, the fact that she trusts me although being afraid of the ocean means the world to me. The water now reaches till the bottom of her breasts, letting them slightly float with the movement of the water. I take a quick glance but remove my eyes right after, not wanting to take advantage of this situation. It's not like I didn't already see them without her bikini top on, but it still feels wrong when her eyes are closed.
"Steady yourself at my shoulders." I speak up and as she does, I grab the backside of her thighs and pick her up, making her jump a little before she wraps her hands around my neck and her legs around my waist. "Okay. Now open your eyes."
She hesitates for a moment before eventually opening them to look around us at the wide ocean while tightening her arms a bit around my neck for safety. The sun that shines at her face, enlightens it together with the reflection of the moving water and you can literally see the amazement in her eyes. If I would be able to take pictures with my eyes, I would capture this moment and save it forever. She looks absolutely amazing.
Her eyes find their way back to mine and a smile starts to form on her face.
"Thank you." she says, her eyes shining with gratitude before she grabs my face with one of her hands and leans in, placing a peck on my lips.
"I'm glad you're enjoying it."
"I do but please don't let me go." she laughs nervously and wraps her hand around my neck again.
I chuckle. "I wasn't planning on it."
"Good because I think I would get a panic attack if you did." she laughs nervously.
After we stayed in the water for a while, Alison looks between us, scanning my body. One of her fingers brushes over the quote that's inked over my left pec, following the tattoo word for word. She then slides her finger further down, over the name that's written directly under my pec, smiling. When her finger reaches my tattoo at the right side of my stomach she stops. "Who's Bardsley."
I look down to where her skin is touching my tattoo and sigh. "He was a childhood friend of mine." after a short pause I look up and meet her eyes, smiling weakly. "He died, almost 20 years ago."
"I am so sorry."
"It's okay." I assure her. "It was a long time ago."
"Why are most of your tattoos on your chest?" she eventually asks.
"I like the idea of beeing able to cover them with simply a shirt." I explain, only telling her half of the truth. But I don't think right here is the best time to tell her.
We kept talking for what felt like hours, with little make out sessions in between, before heading back to the others that were laying in the sun. We stayed on the beach till the sun was about to set, when Scott asked about our plans for the evening.
"I don't know," Adam starts saying, "I'm not really in the mood for clubbing again."
"For fucks sake, how old are you, man? 90?" Reggie shouts towards him, earning a pretended laugh from him.
Laura, who's cuddled up on Adams site starts giggling, making Adam speak up again while slightly sitting up and leaning over her body. "Oh is this amusing to you? I'm curious, can a 90 year old man do this?" he asks before jumping up, throwing Laura over his shoulder in the next second. Her giggling turns into heavy laughing as Adam starts to tickle her. "If you'll excuse us, I think this one needs to lern that certain actions entail consequences." And with this beeing said, he walks towards the changing rooms next to the beach bar with a laughing Laura hanging from his shoulder.
"They're cute together." Alison states, who's sitting between my legs, back rested at my chest while I am half sitting, holding my torso up with my hands that are placed me in the sand.
I look after them, then look down on Alison who slightly turned her face towards mine. "I agree. They look happy, something Adam rarely looks like. I think he really likes her."
She smiles. "I'm glad, she likes him too."
I brush a strand of hair out of her face when Scott speaks up again. "Sorry to interrupt you two lovebirds but we still don't know what were doing later, any suggestions?"
"My aunts boyfriend works at the harbor here, I could ask if there's a free boat today. We could go for an evening boat tour." Alison suggests.
"Wow, that would be amazing!" Scott nearly screams of anticipation. "What are you waiting for, call him."
"Okay, okay, let me get up." Alison answers while standing up, laughing at Scotts behavior. She rummages in her bag for a moment before pulling her phone out, dialing a number and putting the phone to her ear.
"Hey Issac, I'm with friends right now and we wanted to ask if there's maybe a boat available tonight."
Scott nervously walks around like a child, while Issac is talking to Alison, his eyes resting on her.
"Oh okay, no that's alright.
"No, I understand."
After this sentence Scotts face fell completely, leaving him with a frustrated look on it. And to be honest, I'm enjoying every second.
"As I said, it's no problem. Yes. Thank you Isaac. See you, bye." Alison says and ends the call, putting her phone back in her bag before standing up. Everyone looks at her, curious, not knowing if she was sucessful or not. Everyone accept me, who heard both sides of the conversation. "What are you guys waiting for?"
"Oh my god." Scott breathes out and sprints towards her, pulling her in a hug. "I thought there was no boat."
„Oh, there is no boat." she says.
Scott breaks the hug and holds her by her shoulders. "What do you mean there is no boat?"
"Being as every boat at the harbor is either at sea or not available, we can't have one."
"Bu- but you asked what we were waiting for." he frowns. Poor Scott. If she teases him any longer I fear he might just loose it or start to cry. Either way it will be funny to watch.
"He doesn't have a boat today, but his uncles yacht is currently in San Diego, so he offered to make a little tour with us." she says with a mischievious smirk on her face.
God, when I thought she couldn't get any more attractive.
"You little... Argh." Scott growls, but immediately pulls her back into his arms laughing. "It's your luck you're so cute, otherwise I would be extremely pissed right now."
She laughs too and quickly pats his back before pulling appart. "It was funny, you can't deny it."
"No." he frowns and Alison glares at Scott in disbelief. "Okay, fine. Maybe a little bit."
She smiles victoriously, then clapping her hands together. "Well since that's settled, who wants to disturb our teenagers during sex?"