I return to the hotel room in the late afternoon. We have a couple of hours before dinner with the family, and I've been told we are going to a luau further along the island.
I kick off my shoes and let down my hair, placing my bag on the dresser and then coming to a stop, my heart racing, my fight or flight activated, because there on the bed is my leather bound journal. It is always hidden, always locked by a little padlock, for inside is my soul...and every thought and feeling I've had for years. The contents of my journal were never to be shared, not even with the one I love most. I reach forward and pick it up, holding it to my chest before running my hands over it and inspecting its curious placement on the bed.
"Who are those about" Ben asks, coming from the balcony, his finger pointed at the journal.
I look to him angrily "how dare you" I reply as my whole body began to tremble with the violation. "Where is Harper" I ask, and he comes further into the room.
"After snorkelling she went with Charlie and Eliza for an afternoon in the pool" he points again to the journal I'm clutching to myself "who is it" he asks again "because it's not me...you haven't touched me in years... not even a kiss...and yet reading those poems... those entries... it's clear you aren't just in love with another person entirely Allie...but you lust over them" he says holding his head in his hands briefly and becoming angry. "Allie" he shouts "who is he" ...
And I realise he hasn't read them all, he hasn't realised that he is a she, and that she is in-fact his sister, his beloved little sister.
"Ben" I reply with a raised voice "these are my private thoughts... they were locked for a reason. How could you" I ask beginning to tear up.
"How could I" he repeats sarcastically "how could you" he spits agitatedly "how could you break the bonds of our marriage with such a betrayal Allie... this is unforgivable. Have you acted on these feelings with him" he asks me, his brown eyes baring down on me as he comes closer.
"There isn't a him Ben... and no I have never cheated on you or acted physically beyond our marriage with anyone else. These are just poems... does every written poem come from a place of action, no"
"I know you Allie, and okay so you haven't acted on these... these thoughts... but they are in your mind... you write them. How did I not know my wife had such inappropriate desires...and yet you don't lie with me anymore" he sits on the bed and hangs his head.
"Oh Allie" he whispers "why won't you come back to me. We can explore these feelings together... we can grow and learn and move forward... we can seek counsel" he adds.
I shake my head and pick up the broken lock that is now on his bedside table. I throw it in the trash and instead wrap my journal up and place it in my suitcase, locking that instead and putting the key in my purse.
He sits and watches me, and he seems pained. I don't want to cause Ben pain. I don't want to ever do that to anyone, and so I return to his side and let him pull me into his arms, my head resting against his shoulder "Ben I'm sorry...but I can't return to an intimate marriage with you"
"Allie why" he asks again.
A conversation we have had so many times I've lost count, and yet still he doesn't hear me. I pull away from under his arm
"Ben I don't want any more children... I can't go through the loss again"
"Whose to say you would lose another Allie... if we pray and we hope... please let's try" he begs.
I inhale dramatically and stand, looking at my reflection in the mirror, half the woman I should be, a shell of myself, so much sadness still evident when the truth was laid bare. I was stuck, like I had stepped into quick sand on my wedding day and I was slowly disappearing more and more as the years past.
"No" I reply firmly, sitting on the chair beside the mirror.
"Allie I am not an angry person. I'm not sure I have ever considered violence against another person but I swear if there's someone else, if you have betrayed me. I won't be able to contain it... if I ever find out who he is"
"There isn't another man Ben...and I am here with you and Harper. I am committed to the family unit... committed to our daughter and her happiness... believe me...I am here for her"
"For her... and there it is... are you here only for Harps? Is this now a marriage of convenience" he asks.
I want to scream "how is this convenient for me" but I don't I look to the carpet because he's right... it is about Harper now and his presence in our marriage was not something I looked for on a daily basis, he meant a lot to me and I loved him but I wasn't in love with him and of course he felt that. I felt guilt weighing heavily upon me because if I considered it fully, Ben was going through something similar, if not worse, than me. Ben was in love with me and I withdrew from him just as Willa had with me. I knew that pain and I hated to think I caused it.
Some part of me would try and make this marriage work, fake every feeling until I felt it genuinely, if not for the miscarriages, that darkness, it taught me lessons of life and loss and I couldn't be untaught. The scriptures from that time in my life, ones that burnt into my soul, the aching truth of it all, what life was about as you walked it's path...
Listen to your heart
A truer compass unfound
direction bound
destination felt
True north awaits
you need not know your fate
for the compass flickers
with every beat
a silent voice
tell it nothing
It already knows
your hearts desire awakes.
swinging away from pain
the needle trained
it will not be in vain
follow through rain
crunch through snow
a darkness
to someone you know
take their hand
follow the light
a path familiar
Fate
Fate
Fate
just wait
Life was brief, it hurt in so many ways it made your head spin. It was unfair and unforgiving but yet if you found the right hand to hold, a person to walk it's path alongside you... the weight was shared, the loss's beared, the love an elixir, and that made the journey to the grave euphoric.
"Ben I'm sorry... I love you... I love you both" and he thought I meant Harper, but of course, my mind wondered to Willa, a regularly trodden path, through my brains workings.
"Allie just promise me you will seek counsel when we return home... these thoughts they aren't okay"
I swallow at his words, a church meeting with our bishop about my wicked thoughts, a one on one with a sixty year old man where he would ask the most intimate of questions, what a thing to look forward too... what a soul to break.
"Okay" I whisper, and he comes to me and pulls me limply into his arms, his lips leaving a gentle kiss on my forehead.
"I know we can get you back" he promises like he's clipping my wings and tying my hands behind my back with one sentence "now let's get ready for dinner" he adds, removing his arms from my shoulders and entering the bathroom.
As he disappears and the shower starts...I slip down onto the edge of the bed, curling into a foetal position and allowing myself a moment to become accustomed to the screaming in my mind, the calls for action that my body is fighting, to run, to free myself. Harper though, is my only concern, and I had to make it normal for her, her life was entwined in our church, her friends, her family, and if I ran... it would have to be from her too, and nobody would rip my child from me, not even myself.
***
"How do I look Mama" Harper asks.
I pull her into my arms and kiss her cheek.
"Absolutely beautiful honey" I whisper, looking at my little girl who has grown so much this last year, so much it makes a mamas heart hurt but at the same time I was so joyful for her, her growth and her spirit. I was so proud of the person that Harper was at her core. I had done something right with my life. I had brought a human into this world that I knew would change it for the better and leave everyone she met better off for her presence. That was a peace I could depend upon, when all else was seemingly lost.
"I just have to go down and help aunty Willa with something and then we can all go down to the cars together okay?"
She nods and Ben appears.
"you're going where" he asks as he watches me pull on my fancy evening heels.
"Willa needs my help with something" I repeat.
He pulls me aside so Harper cannot hear. I almost lose my balance in the heels. "What" I ask him as he looks to me a little seriously, which was unlike him.
"Allie, I'm not sure Wills is a good influence on you" he whispers.
I am shocked to hear that from his lips. He loved Willa, they were probably the closest of the siblings. He had never spoken a bad word about her.
"Ben that's a terrible thing to say"
He looks guilty. "I know" he says regretfully "I shouldn't think it but what if she's leading you astray... these thoughts you have and this sudden withdrawal from me and the church... I know you don't attend in your heart. You are always in physical attendance but you seem a million miles away Allie"
"Ben ... your sister has never once bad mouthed the church to me" I say offended that he would think so little of her.
"She hasn't encouraged your feelings about it" he asks.
I place my hand against my forehead as if I am holding back the frustration and the offence I feel. "No" I whisper back firmly.
"And her ..." he pauses finding it hard to communicate what he wants to say "her sexuality" he adds. "She hasn't pushed those warped ideas on you" he whispers, and that is the last straw, for me.
"Willa is your baby sister Ben... she is your blood, and her her liking girls, her being in love with Morgan it reads to you like she is the operator of a coup, that she is shamelessly promoting her lifestyle to me... and leading me away like the pied piper from the church. Oh how ungodly of her to have love in her life... to live in peace with herself... to love your family so unconditionally when none of you do that for her. And what a godly man you must be to think so little of her... my god Ben have you sunk so far ... that you would forsake her... she's your baby sister"
He looks like I've stabbed him directly in the heart "I know she is..." he whispers regretfully "I shouldn't have said that" he adds "please don't tell her I said that or thought that... oh gosh Allie I'm a mess I don't mean it... I just want you back and I'm desperately trying to find a door to lay the blame.."
The guilt creeps back inside, he feels so lost because of me. "It lies with me Ben... leave your pain at my door and let me take the brunt of it because Willa does not deserve more pain from the Jamesons... and if she knew... that you had thought that about her... oh Ben she adores you... don't let that be for nothing"
"I won't... I'm sorry. I love her unconditionally I do I promise"
"I think you need to work on what unconditional means to you... because it's important to me when Harper grows up that you do that for her... whatever her choices or whomever she loves. Ben we have to be that for her"
He nods and pulls me against himself, his hand running through my hair at my back.
"Mama you haven't left yet" Harper observes coming in from the balcony with headphones in.
I smile and pull myself from Bens arms "I'm
going now" I say, and I look to Ben who smiles softly and unsure as I open the door and leave.
***
The knock at the door finally comes and I open it quickly and clumsily to find Allie. She looks beautiful in a tropical V neck dress, it flows casually but is formal and fitted in the right places, it is paired with heels that make her slightly taller than me as I haven't put mine on yet. "You look insane" I offer a little taken aback as I leave her at the door and enter the bathroom.
"I didn't know what we needed to cover this up" I say pointing at my neck "so I got Morgan... the little biter herself, to go to the local make up counter and ask... this is what she returned with" I say holding up tubes of concealer and blemish magic marker.
Allie looks to me and points at one of the tubes "let's start with this" she says taking a deep breath and sitting behind me.
I look at her reflection in the mirror behind me and I study her features "what's wrong" I ask as she places her finger tips to my neck with the concealer, slowly covering the burst blood vessels in smoothing motions.
She glances up from my neck briefly before looking back to what she is doing "nothing" she replies.
I raise my eyebrows until she looks back "Willa... nothing" she pushes and I can tell she doesn't want to talk about it.
"Thanks for this" I say feeling like perhaps I am asking too much of her.
"No problem" she returns as she concentrates on my neck, "tilt your neck" she asks, and I do, but in turn I feel like I'm baring too much. The throbbing heartbeat that lay beside her fingers at my pulse point, could she feel that, the beat, the thump, no matter how I suffocated the thoughts my body would always betray me.
"God damned" I whisper without realising.
She looks back to the mirror thrown by my words "did I say that out loud" I say feigning awkwardness with bated teeth "my bad" I whisper with a fake smile. She looks at me like I am a puzzle to solve before returning to the large blemish on my neck.
"Does she bite you like this often" she asks, looking at my neck curiously as she tries her best to cover the uncover-able.
"No" I reply firmly "I swear to god this is like the second time I've ever had one in my life"
"When was the first" she asks, and I look back at her icy blue eyes and can't believe she doesn't remember.
"Shouldn't you as the biter remember that" I throw back with one eyebrow cocked.
She withdraws her fingers from my neck and looks thrown by that revelation "Willa I have never bitten you" she says quite innocently.
"Wow... you don't remember do you" I realise.
"What are you taking about" she asks looking beyond confused. Her nostrils flare slightly and I feel Allies temper rising as if she thinks I'm making fun of her.
"Allie" I say accusingly "calm down" I ask, turning and taking her hands in mine. My thumbs caress the back of her hands. "I'm gathering from your face you've forgotten and you know that's probably for the best" I add with a little laugh, and I return to looking in the mirror.
"Willa" she asks "spill" she adds pulling me back to face her. We sit opposite each other and I'm honestly slightly amused and I can't help it because for a girl that tried to be so perfect for her mother and her father, Alberta Anderson had done many a thing in secret to rebel against those tight ties and rules on rules.
"I'm starting to think the worst now" she adds nervously.
"Okay so the sleepover at the cabin... the summer we were sixteen... a couple weeks after that first kiss we practised... do you remember that" I ask.
Her face changes instantly "of course... yes of course I do" she confirms.
"We had Kara and Genie with us... they were more your friends than mine" I add.
"Yes, I remember that trip" she says "Karas parents took us and they were the type from church who did actually drink on special occasions. My mom was horrified when she learnt we had had our first drink" Allie recollects.
I wiggle my eyebrows "is it coming back to you" I ask.
She shakes her head. "What... we had a few drinks behind Karas parents backs...so what... we had fun"
"Oh Allie surely you haven't forgotten" I ask unbelievingly, and I smile a broad and teasing smile because my god I couldn't believe it, she had no memory of it.
"It was a dare... Genie the little pervert... her dares were always a little risqué. I bet her husband has no idea what she got up to as a teenager, and she always wore that darn CTR ring like it repelled her sins" I reveal with a little laugh.
"What did she dare" Allie asked.
I reached out and stroked her cheek. "Alberta" I say, and she is taken aback for a moment at my use of her formal name "I am about to break some seriously messed up news to you and I'm not sure your little church going heart, the one derived of pure gold and innocence is going to be able to bear it... I think your Mama would drop dead if she knew..."
"Willa" Allie chastised pushing my hand away. "Stop teasing" she adds.
"She dared me to have to hide a hickey all week from her family... and guess who offered themselves as tribute for that little bite bite" I say teasingly wiggling my eyebrows at her.
"Me" she gasps "Willa that is absolute garbage ... I wouldn't forget that" she replies.
"Well you were a little tipsy... the last time you touched a drink no?" I ask.
She hides behind her hands. "oh my god I don't remember it ... not at all" and she sits in disbelief. "That is why I don't drink" she confesses looking back to me and pushing my shoulder "how could you never tell me this"
I let out a little laugh "what was I meant to do wake up and thank you for the over enthusiastic bite to my neck. Allie it was worse than this one" I recollected, and in that moment as I remembered it, a throb formed between my legs at the way it had felt... uff.
I shook the thoughts away and sat back in front of the mirror. "I think that will do it" I say looking to the mostly covered love bite not even caring if it was noticeable at this point. I just had to escape such a small room with Allie because the overwhelming scent of her perfume, the soft and creamy flesh that was displayed in that dress... it was too much for a person trying to be a good friend... trying to be a good person, a good sister.
"Willa" Allie says sensing my retreat "I don't think it's covered enough...let me just finish it" she asked, but I kept walking towards the wardrobe. I pulled off my sweats and chucked them on the floor. "Oh" she says hesitantly realising as she follows me that I am half naked. "Sorry" she excused moving onto the balcony away from me.
I pull on the pretty dress, it allows a small slice of flesh at my waist to be seen, my own little slice of rebellion.
"Done" I call sweeping my dark hair over one shoulder.
"Wow" she offers reentering the room. She looks me up and down. "You look fantastic" she observes quietly, and she smiles and I feel the full force of love she shows.
"Thank you" I reply in the same vain.
"Let's go" she says as she leads the way out of the hotel room, collecting family members along the way as we head to the elevators.
Morgan appears "Willa... wow babe" she says taking my arm and kissing my lips. Allie throws a look as she, Ben and Harper get into the elevator before us. I wave them on as the elevator is full and the doors shut. Charlotte and my dad join us, waiting and then Brigham and Byron with their wives. "Are the kids not coming" I ask noting their absence.
"The older kids are already waiting downstairs with mom and the littles have babysitters. We thought it might be nice to do an adults dinner tonight." My dad revealed. "With all of our own grown babies" he says putting his arms around my shoulders and kissing my forehead "you being our littlest" he whispers with a smile.
Charlotte throws me daggers and Morgan's hand tightens in response as she sees it. I gulp as Charlottes gaze falls to my neck and her eyes bulge. She reaches out quickly and grabs my arm firmly. "Willa" she chastises and she pulls me away to a corner by a window that looks out over the beautiful view "you cannot come down there with that on your neck" she states.
I feel my fingers rise instinctively to the spot she is looking at. "Charlotte it's nothing" I reply looking back to all of the eyes that are now fixed on us.
A bell rings and my dad calls us "come on girls we are going to be late" he says as the family walk into the elevator. Morgan waits for me, eyeing Charlotte suspiciously.
"Daddy come here" Charlotte says and my dad does, he walks over in his linen shirt and cargo trousers and he looks down at us both.
"What is going on" he whispers. Charlotte grabs my shoulder and pulls me towards him, her finger poised and pointing at my neck.
"Daddy tell her she cannot come to a family dinner in this state"
My dad looks at my neck and then to me, and the disappointment I see in his large brown eyes are enough to break a daughters heart.
"Willa" he finally acknowledges "what is that" he asks.
I stand completely still, wanting to disappear, to be anywhere but here, and knowing what was coming.
"I'm so sorry" Morgan says hearing and coming to my aide, but in reality making it so much worse "I didn't realise I had left a mark" she revealed, and my father looked disgusted.
"Willa stay here please" he asked me.
I nodded, feeling a sting of tears behind my eyes as he walked away and joined the family in the elevator.
Charlotte turned to me before following him "Just grow up Willa" she pleaded.
I felt a sob catch there in my throat as my eyes glazed over with the tears that threatened to spill.
"I'm so sorry" Morgan begged as the elevator doors closed.
I ran then, as fast as I could back to my room. I shut the door and I slipped to the floor and for the first time in years I felt the heavy weight of their judgement, and the truth... that I would never truly escape it... not really. They wouldn't change and neither would I... We were at an impasse.
***
As the Jeeps and mini vans pulled into the beautiful beach side location before us, I sat with Harper and ordered our drinks but watched the family vacate the vehicles. My eyes searching for Willa but not finding her. I looked confused, my eyes searching hurriedly
once more, trying to locate her. Ben taps my shoulder from behind me "where is Willa and Morgan" he asks.
I look back at him and shrug my shoulders.
"I have no idea" I reply a little concerned.
Brian, Bens dad looks strangely unsettled as he walks with Kate, Bens mom towards us. They are a few steps behind and she appears angry with him. Charlotte and Byron are in deep discussion and Eliza and Louisa look saddened too.
I feel fear seed itself in my belly and I stand up and walk over to Eliza and Louisa "where is Willa"
They pull me aside as not to be heard. "Brian told her she couldn't come" Eliza says regretfully.
"It was awful" Louisa admits.
"You know we love Willa" Eliza says taking in my furrowed brow.
"Why couldn't she come" I ask, knowing exactly what was about to be said but needing to be sure.
"She had a love bite" Louisa admits, looking to Eliza as they both frowned.
"You know what he's like... it was like a slap in the face to him... but Willa didn't deserve the reaction or to be made to stay home" Eliza confesses.
I look around at the family and my blood boils. Harper was the main reason I never went off at the family. I didn't want her to know the battles that went on silently or the lines drawn in conflict. As I searched for her I found her waking down the beach with her older cousins, completely out of ear shot and I found myself brewing, combusting, as I looked at them all sitting themselves at the pristine table and filling their glasses for an evening of luau when their sister, and their daughter, had been discarded at the hotel like an embarrassment.
And then the Volcano erupted
"How can any of you look yourselves in the mirror" I began as my voice raised and shook with the anger it made me feel. They all swivelled in their seats to look at me "The way you treat Willa is absolutely appalling. She has done nothing but try and love you all ... all the while being judged and ignored for her choices... and by the way they aren't choices. Willa was born gay... she didn't choose to be... you think she would have chosen to be excommunicated from her entire life if she could have chosen it"
Brian stands up and Byron too. Ben holds out his hand to them "let my wife finish" he states.
I look to him grateful that he stood up for her and for me, finally. "Why should she not be here tonight. Why do you choose what she can and cannot attend... she is a person with feelings. Who made you god... do you know how many LGBT teens take their own lives because of family who cannot bring themselves to love their children unconditionally. So your child loves another woman or another man... should they then die for it... would you rather your child be dead in the ground than gay?" I find myself shouting and Brian looks like he's going to explode, he is red beyond belief and Brigham is steaming from his ears.
"You don't know what you are talking about Allie" Charlotte says standing up in front of the table "we all love Willa" she says. "But she can't flaunt her lifestyle like that and expect it to be okay. We are a conservative family but we love her... or she wouldn't even be here would she...and she's not about to take her life I think that is a horrific thing for you to say. I hope when we get home you seek counsel and read some scripture because right now you sound like a lost sheep."
"Allie" Kate says coming to my side "stop" she says quietly as she takes my hand and walks me away from the group and back down the beach.
"Kate it's not right" I say tearing up at the anger of it all.
Kate rubs my arms "I know" she whispers "but falling out with everyone over it isn't what Willa would want you to do" she says calmly. "We must teach acceptance and forgiveness from within... shouting and calling out peoples feelings and faith whether deserved or underserved... it's not going to help make the changes. I am working on my family from the inside out Allie and I want you to know everything you say... I feel it in my heart and it don't sit right... it hurts to think of my child out there feeling alone and unloved... and that's why I call her near enough everyday so that she knows I love her. I'm trying to be better for her and make our family whole again. We just need time" she finishes and she stops me and we face the ocean.
"I need to go and check on her" I say wiping a tear from my eye.
"I know... so do I... but I cannot, so please go... go for us both" she says tapping my shoulder and hugging me. "I will smooth out this lot" she says pointing to the family who are still fractious at the table. "Don't worry they forgive you already... just promise you will try and forgive them" she asks.
I take a deep breath "just try" she adds.
I nod before we part, and I make my way to the Jeep.
***
The halls are quiet in the hotel. I take out the key card that reception had given me thinking I was Willa and I pushed it into the door, watching it turn green. I entered the room, my heart thumping in my chest.
As the door opened it revealed an empty room, I rushed inside and threw open her wardrobe doors, empty, her bathroom, empty, her drawers, empty. I sat down on the end of the bed among the quiet and the vacant room, the absence of Willa in this small space was loud and deafening... she had gone... again. I couldn't be the one she ran to or the hand she held through it.
Willa's season was about to change to, and her next would be a loss for me, for she withdrew, she took herself away from us all... and it ached, oh it hurt. Until, I came looking ... wanting... searching... I couldn't let her vanish... not again no matter how I knew she needed to.
Willa, my last season is you ...