Chapter 38: Let Go
I was back in the apothecary that afternoon. Habang paakyat sa aking kwarto, pinahid ko ang mukha ko. I rehearsed a smile, a weak one, not letting the earlier tears showed up on my face.
Wala akong ibang dala pagbalik kundi ang brown paper bag na may lamang pastries mula kay Alexander. Tahimik ko itong pinagmasdan habang naglalakad sa hallway. Despite the incident in downtown, it was such a nice coincidence that he bought my favorite treat.
Wala pa akong ilang minutong nakakapasok sa kwarto when Anabeth came barging in. She sashayed in her usual cheery self from the front door to the nearby desk chair.
"So how was the trip?" she inquired. Naglaho bigla ang ngiti niya nang makita ang mukha ko. Her face scrunched, nose wrinkling as she stared at me. "Did you cry?"
Umiling ako. "It was just... windy outside..." pagdadahilan ko. Hindi naalis ang pangamba sa kanyang mukha. I wasn't sure if she believed my reason.
"What did you buy?"
Pinagmasdan niya ang kwarto for any new items but there was none. "Some of the stores were close..." Pinakita ko sa kanya ang pastry. "But I got this."
We shared the pastry while I sat on the bed and she made herself comfortable in the chair. Habang kumakain, hindi ko napigilang itanong ang bagay na bumabagabag sa'kin.
"Anabeth..." I started. "What's Rebecca like?"
Napaubo siya, halos mabulunan sa bigla kong tanong. Agad niyang inabot ang baso ng tubig mula sa kalapit na mesa. "Eleanor naman," reklamo niya.
I bit my lower lip, wondering if was right to ask about it. "I was just... hoping that Zackary have someone good on his side."
Bumuntong hininga si Anabeth at sumandal sa silya. "Are you sure it's okay for you?"
Tumango ako.
Binaba ni Anabeth ang lahat ng hawak at sandaling nanahimik, tila pinagiisipan kung tama bang sagutin ang tanong ko. After a moment, another sigh escape her lips.
"I'm not sure if I'm the right person to answer your question," she muttered. "Rebecca's an elite kaya ilang bagay lang ang alam ko sa kanya, lalo na at pribado at may pagka-traditional ang pamilya niya."
"The Mavens are basically one of the oldest families in Van Zanth. They go way back to the year the town was established and contributed a huge part of the town's growth because of their membership to the council. Currently, it's Rebecca's grandfather who holds a position in the council."
Council...
The hair on my arms shoot up at the mere mention of the word. Napakalaking bagay na may koneksyon sa council ang mga pinuno ng mga bayan tulad ng Van Zanth.
"But since Rebecca is the only grandchild of the Sir and the remaining heiress of the family, no one would take the position if ever the Sir leaves the council."
Anabeth cast a worried glance at my direction before continuing.
"That was why the residence of Van Zanth were elated when the news broke a year before you came here... that Rebecca is Sir Zackary's mate."
Now I understand... the hatred of the people was clear to me now. Zackary was destined for something big with Rebecca on her side... something that would benefit the entire town of Van Zanth... and they see me as a threat to it.
Muling bumaling sa'kin si Anabeth, unsure if to continue. Pero siguro nga ramdam niya din na kailangan ko itong marinig... I needed reasons, anything that could make this emotions inside of me fade... to make this ache for Zackary stop.
"She's a pretty reserved person just like her family," Anabeth continued in a much lower voice. "And more decent than her so called friends who often leech on her."
"Sa Fabrice siya nag-aral kaya wala akong masyadong alam sa kanya. But she used to visit during vacation or special occasions in town. Ilang beses ko din siyang nakita sa mansion ng mga Van Zanth tuwing may pagdiriwang dito."
"Why did she leave?" muli kong tanong.
It took a moment before Anabeth replied. "Walang nakakaalam. But whatever her reason is, I hope it's a good one. If Rebecca and Sir Zackary are indeed mates, I don't want to imagine the pain it cause being away from each other."
Noong gabing 'yon, hindi ako makatulog. I had my cold hand clasped over my chest, aching like my heart was a thin paper being ripped to shreds.
I thought I was in the process of accepting things... that whatever Zackary and I had... was nothing but a dream to me. But why am I still hurting?
Kinabukasan, sinundo ako ni Anabeth sa kwarto para sabay kaming mag-agahan. Habang naglalakad papunta sa breakfast hall, bigla niya akong tinanong.
"Do you wanna go with me this afternoon? We'll visit Zanra in the mansion to bring her medicines."
Tumigil ako sa paghakbang. Mansion... it means I might see Zackary. Umiling ako sa alok ni Anabeth bago nagpatuloy sa paglalakad. "I have reports to finish," maikli kong sagot.
Hinawakan niya ako sa braso, making me see her dramatically sad face which reminded me of puppies. "Pero matagal na tayong hindi nakakadalaw sa kanya. Don't you want to see her to catch up? I'm sure she misses us too."
Nakarating kami sa breakfast hall kung saan karamihan ng mga staff ay nasa gitna na ng pagkain.
"Are you worried about something, Eleanor?" tanong ni Anabeth bago kami pumila para kumuha ng pagkain.
Hindi agad ako nakasagot. What am I worried about exactly? Is it seeing Zackary again? Or because I couldn't trust myself enough to stay away him.
Kalaunan, wala akong nagawa kundi ang pumayag. I shouldn't let the situation affect my relationship with people. Makikita at makikita ko siya... dahil siya ang pinuno ng bayan. I would just have to learn how to deal with it.
Sinundo kami ng sasakyan mula sa mansion bandang hapon. Up to the last minute, I was hesitant to go. But Anabeth was excited to see Zanra again and I couldn't ruin it for her.
Habang tahimik na umaandar ang sasakyan, hindi ako mapalagay sa backseat. I was saving courage if ever I see glimpse of him... because no matter what I do, I ended up missing him.
Binati kami ng mga tagasilbi pagdating namin sa mansion. Agad nila kaming dinala sa palapag kung saan makikita ang kwarto ni Zanra na hinihintay ang pagdating namin.
We arrived at her room with the door slightly ajar. Pagpasok namin, Zanra, who was sitting on her bed, raised herself to greet us with an embrace.
"Anabeth! Eleanor!"
Hindi maitago ang saya sa mukha niya nang makita kami. She's getting better with every visit. Her once pale complexion was now tinge with rosy colors.
"Kumusta naman ang prinsesa ng Van Zanth?" tukso ni Anabeth sa kanya.
Zanra folded her arms over her chest. "I'm alright, just extremely bored."
"Bakit kasi hindi ka bumisita sa apothecary," alok ni Anabeth. "Alam mo namang nandoon lang kami lagi and for sure, the senior staff wouldn't mind."
Napaisip si Zanra. "I don't want to distract you from your work," she muttered. "And Dad said I have to have someone if I were to leave the mansion."
"Wala parin bang nahahanap na personal na magbabantay sa'yo?"
Umiling si Zanra.
"Or you have a specific person in mind kaya wala kang napipili?" nakangiting tukso ni Anabeth.
"It's not that..." Zanra mumbled, avoiding our gazes. Sumulyap siya sa bag ng gamot na dala namin. "I just don't want to appear as weak as before."
Kumatok ang isang tagasilbi para itanong kung sa kwarto nila ihahanda ang meryende. Zanra answered with a light nod and a graceful thank you.
Pagalis ng tagasilbi, bumaling sa'kin si Zanra. "Why are you so quiet, Eleanor?"
I blinked, a little out of the conversation. Before I could came up with a reason... Anabeth told the truth. Kahit hindi ko sabihin, alam niya ang iniisip ko.
"Alam na niya ang tungkol kay Rebecca."
Natigilan si Zanra, her face showed guilt. "I'm sorry we kept it from you... we didn't mean to, it's just that... since she left, no one dared mention her name, specially when Zack is around."
My gaze fell to the floor. It must have been too painful for him. Their story was like those story books about destiny. I couldn't ruin it... I couldn't ruin something so precious for Zackary.
"I couldn't blame him to be honest," Zanra mumbled. "People expected a lot from them because they're the representation of two powerful families in town. I believe my brother did his best to work things out because it was the right thing to do... but what's right isn't always what's meant."
Dumating ang tagasilbi dala ang mga pagkain. Cup of teas made from dried flowers, bite size pastries in colorful ceramic plates. It was all laid beautifully in front of us... but I remained staring at my lukewarm tea, my mind elsewhere.
"Dala din pala namin 'yong pinasuyo mo," stated Anabeth. Inabot niya ang bag saka nilabas ang pouch na may lamang gamot para sa sugat at pasa.
"Is someone in the mansion injured?" I asked.
"It's Zack," sagot ni Zanra. "He came home late last night with bruises and cuts on his jaw."
Anabeth paused from enjoying some cookies with sugared jam on top. "The alpha? Did they encounter outsiders in the border?" she asked, curious.
Umiling si Zanra na tila maging siya nagtataka. "I don't think so. Madalang siyang masugatan kung mga regular na insidente lang sa border. I think he got into a fight?"
Anabeth almost coughed out the crumbs of cookies from her mouth. Kinuha niya ang panyo at pinunasan ang kanyang labi. "Who in their right mind would fight the alpha?"
Napaisip si Zanra.
"Sa tingin ko hinayaan niya lang kung sino man ang gumawa nito sa kanya. Paguwi niya kagabi, sa halip magpahinga, he ended up drinking alone in the garden until three in the morning..."
Bakas ang pagaalala sa mukha ni Zanra. "And then this morning, I heard from Mom na nag-utos siyang ipasara ang ilang tindahan sa downtown."
"Eleanor," biglang sabi ni Anabeth na kinabigla ko. "Why don't you check on the alpha?"
I blinked, unsure if what I heard was right.
"Yes, please Eleanor," sang-ayon ni Zanra. "He refused to be treated since this morning."
"Pero..."
Sinubukan kong mag-isip ng dahilan. But a large part of me was worried about him. I knew much of him to know that he only do these things whenever he's tired, stressed, or pressured. And the stores in the downtown...
I agreed to check on Zackary to see if his injuries could be treated by the medicines we brought with us. Tinuro ni Zanra ang kwarto ng kapatid sa dulo ng hallway. Hesitant, I made my way towards the room, wondering if what I was doing was still right.
Huminto ako sa tapat nito. It took me an entire minute before I decided to knock on the door. It seems like no one was inside. Sinubukan kong muling kumatok hanggang sa hinawakan ko ang knob. I twisted it and gently pushed the door open.
Bumungad sa'kin ang madilim na kwarto. There's barely any light sipping through the thick curtains covering the terrace and glass windows.
Nagpalinga-linga ako, iniisip kung tama ba ang kwartong napuntahan ko. I was about to leave the empty room nang bumukas ang isa sa pintuang naka-attach dito. Zackary walked into the room with his hair damp and his upper body completely exposed, drenched in water with drops trickling through the crevasses of his well-trained body and his lower half draped in white towel.
Napaatras ako, not knowing where to avert my gaze.
"Eleanor..."
Pilit kong inalala ang dahilan kung bakit ako nasa kanyang kwarto. I dipped my head low and mumbled. "Alpha..." In the corner of my eyes, I could see him watching me, damp eyebrows furrowing with the word I used.
"I'm here to check-"
Tuluyang naglaho ang sasabihin ko nang lumapit siya at bigla akong niyakap. I could feel the dampness of his exposed body against my dry clothes, with water dripping from the tips of his hair down to my shoulders.
"I'm begging you... call me Zack again."
Pinigilan ko ang mga kamay ko na yakapin siya pabalik, na haplusin ang kanyang likod, at sabihin na magiging okay din ang lahat. My hands remained on my side, in a tight fist, forcing myself to stand motionless in front of him.
"Eleanor... I'm sorting things out... just give me time... I could protect you..."
Sa mga salitang 'yon, ang pader na binubuo ko ay unti-unting nawawasak.
"Zack..." tahimik kong sagot.
He pulled back a little, holding me by my arms. Muli kong nasilayan ang kanyang titig... those golden penetrating gaze of his. Pero ngayong alam ko na kung ano ang maaaring kapalit ng lahat ng ito... nauubos ang lakas ko.
It was the same gaze that assures me everything will be fine... but why does it hurt this time?
He held me close, resting his forehead against mine. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry for making you cry, Eleanor... It won't happen again. I promise-"
"Zack..." I whispered, voice trembling. "You have something wonderful and rare and what Van Zanth needs and I don't want you to waste that."
I raise my head, gazing at him... the man who I once thought could fade away the darkness in me. "I'm extremely grateful for you... you gave me a new beginning when I was ready to fall into the edge."
Ngumiti ako... pilit kinakalimutan ang sakit na bumabalot sa aking dibdib. Kahit hirap akong bitawan ang mga salita dahil maaaring ito na ang huling beses na makakausap ko siya nang ganito, alam kong ito ang tama at dapat kong gawin.
"It was enough for me... you've done enough for me."
Nanatili siyang nakatitig sa'kin. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang tumatakbo sa kanyang isip, pero nakikita ko ang parehong sakit sa kanyang mga mata... it's like we're mirroring each other's pain.
"Is it hurting you this much?" He asked, voice low and somber.
I slowly nodded with tears brimming my eyes. Zackary. "It hurts so bad... I don't know what to do. I thought I'm used to pain... but it's hurting me more than anything whenever I see you... because I couldn't be with you."
Zackary's eyes remained fixed on me. Hindi ko alam kung ang tubig na dumadaloy sa gilid ng kanyang mukha ay galing sa basa niyang buhok o sa kanyang mga mata. Inabot niya ang pisngi ko at pinahid ang aking mga luha.
"If we stay away from each other, would it make you feel better?" he asked, voice low enough I could barely hear. Pero ramdam ko... mula sa kanyang titig hanggang sa kanyang boses... I knew he cared for me enough.
Muli akong tumango nang tahimik bilang sagot. Naramdaman ko ang panghihina nang kanyang palad sa aking mukha. But he's Zackary... I knew he would respect my answer. Alam kong pipiliin niya kung saan ako hindi mahihirapan kahit pa pareho kaming nasasaktan ngayon sa harap nang isa't isa.
Muli niyang pinahid ang luhang dumaosdos sa aking pisngi saka niya marahang nilapit ang kanyang mukha. Isang halik ang ginawad niya sa aking noo. His lips on my forehead lasted for several seconds before he finally let go.
"I understand..." was all that was left to say. "I'll let you go."
***