How can such a day turned like this so fast?
Yesterday, I saw papa for the first time since he's been arrested and now he's gone. Valentine killed him for attempting to stop him from taking the Soul Sword. Oh, did I mention that he was also responsible for the Demon attack? He staged it so we would take the body back and create a diversion in the Institute.
All the more reason why the Cup shouldn't be in his possession.
My father... I know he knew what he did was wrong but he never made me feel unloved. Every little thing I accomplished, he was proud. We even celebrated the first time I aced every goal shots with my knife throwing training when I was six... he is-- was many things but he was a good father.
He's not going to even have a proper farewell as he was ineligible for being proven guilty as traitor to the Clave. His body was sent to Idris this morning to be buried in The Cemetery of the Disgraced. I did get to say goodbye though after I was approved that I'll be the one to accompany him.
I can't even wrap my head around the fact that Valentine now possesses two of the three Mortal Instruments. Other than dealing with my own grieving, Alec is not doing well about the guilt he felt when that demon was inside him, made him killed Jocelyn.
Alec and Izzy were both possessed by the Demon. Alec killed Jocelyn in rage for very obvious reason while Izzy almost kill Alec because of jelousy. Izzy felt Alec was their parent's favorite child.
Luckily, Clary stopped her by stabbing her to release the Demon out of her before Clary killed the Demon herself. Only now, Izzy obtain a deep Demon wound on the back of her shoulder.
"Alec." I called from behind him as I block the machine sensor, stopping disk targets to fan out.
Jace told me as soon as I got back from Idris that Alec's been here at the roof for hours. He tried to bring Alec back down himself but he just ignored him.
"Move." Alec said, turning to me. Pointing his weapon at my direction.
"How long have you been up here?" I asked, calmly. I noticed the blood in his right fingers that was stretching the string of his bow.
"I'm glamoured. No one can see me. Move." he repeated, his face is stern.
"You can't beat yourself up." I firmed, not moving.
"I'm not." his bow and arrow are still pointed to me.
"Look who are you talking to. It's me, Alec. I know you your whole life. What happened with Jocelyn wasn't your fault, that was the demon. Please, you have to stop-"
"Get out of the way." he ordered, slightly raising his voice as he cut me off. I raised my hands out in surrender.
"Hey. Same side, remember?" I told him, then he lower his weapon, exhaling.
The first several months he practice using bow, he used to shot arrows everywhere almost hitting either Jace, Izzy, or me as we trained together, forming the joke that 'we're on the same side' to make him careful where he aim.
"Come on. Let's go back inside. Let's treat your hand." I said before pushing the off button on the machine.
"That's the last place I want to be." he mutter, walking to the edge of the roof.
I followed him "Alec, Valentine has the Soul Sword. He slaughtered the Silent Brothers and killed my father. We need our best soldiers-"
"Stop pretending this never happened!" he raised his voice, looking back to me. His expression is full of doubt, shame and... pain "I couldn't save you and Jace from Valentine. I couldn't save Jace from the City of Bones. I-- she's Clary's mother... Jace's mother." he said before turning his back, taking his stele out.
"Nobody blames you..." I softly said as a light glowed, suggesting he's drawing a rune "...I don't."
"You should." he grump before jumping down the roof, sprinting away. I watched his retreating figure vanished in the dark.
Great... just great!
I went to my room and cried myself to sleep holding a framed photograph of my parents, me and--
I can't believe both of them are gone.
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I'm envious how everyone can kept going like nothing happened. How can I blame them? It was pretty selfish of me to wish everyone would feel as depressed as I am right now.
Looking back to the last time I saw my father... alive, I was so hurt. So badly hurt that I let it control me. I never shown one ounce of concern nor respect for him while all he does is worried about me.
Laying here on the floor of my room, staring at the ceiling... all I can see and feel is darkness. I can't even stand to lay on the bed, I feel like there's a heavy weight sitting on me. Waking up this morning, I had to pry my eyes open from the gound caused by crying all night.
We should be happy and celebrating that Jace is finally home and free from the Clave's indictment, but how can we? Izzy is still in the Infirmary, Alec is in who knows where, and Clary is just as tormented as I am for the loss of her mother.
I had to turned my phone off as it would not stop ringing. I didn't even bother to check who's calling, I just turned it off and tossed it in the trash can.
I need an alone time. I need to grieve.
"Maddie?" Lei called outside my door, followed by a knock. I exhaled grumpily, rolling my eyes.
When I woke up this morning, I put out a sign on my door that says, 'Go Away'.
Can't he read?
"Maddie, I'm coming in." he announces.
A sound of metal ringing occurs before opening the door. A freshly lit insight rune was draw on my door before it disappeared.
"Did you not read the sign?" I exhaust, my eyes staring up the ceiling.
"It's already four, you haven't eaten anything." he said, ignoring my query.
"Go away, Lei." I stern before turning to my side, facing away from him.
"I will... if you eat." he stubbornly say.
"Don't you have something better to do? There's literally dozens of other people in this building for you to annoy."
"Look, if you wanted to talk, to scream, to hurt someone, or to cry, I'm here..."
"I think my tears are all dried up." I sit up, leaning my back on the bed footboard slat while hugging my knees on my chest "Do you want to know what the last thing I said to him?" a paused "I called him selfish... I blamed him for my mama's death. I even hoped that he lived the rest of his life feeling sorry." silent cries started pouring from my eyes "...I guess I got what I hoped for."
"I know you didn't mean-"
"You're right, I don't. But in that moment, I did. And I said that while I looked straight into his eyes." I stern with my teeth gritted "And now he's dead. He died knowing I hated him... he died, alone..." I sobbed, resting my head between my knees.
"That's your regret, Maddie..." Lei breathes walking closer to me before he bend down, hugging me tightly "...but I'm sure that's not what he remembered."
A great tremor overtook me as warm tears raced down my cheeks. Some of it stained on Lei's shirt. I felt as if my throat had tightened due to my short intake of breathes.
"I didn't know... I didn't know that was going to be our last conv-- I didn't know, I should not have said those things. I sho-"
"Hey!" he cut me off, looking firmly to me "That was not you. That's not who you are. And I'm far well sure Hodge knew that." he went back hugging me, stroking my hair "You have to forgive yourself."
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It had been a few hours since Lei managed to get me out of my room. I was able to do little things, like stopping by Alec's room, but he's not there so I visited Izzy at the private room in the Infirmary. She's doing remarkably well by the way. Obtaining a demon wound like that would took weeks even months to heal but she's doing pretty well than average.
I'm now on my way to Lydia's private patient room next to Izzy's. I heard she's going to continue her treatment at Basilias and that she'll leave later tonight. She also requested a change of duty and return to her old job. Which means, when she leaves this place, she's not coming back.
When I went into her room, she's already packing her stuff-- struggling to do so as she suffered an injury of a broken arm.
"I'm transferring out." Lydia nonchalantly spoke in between packing as she noticed my presence.
"I heard." I responded, closing the door behind me and walked over to her to help her packed "Seems like you can't wait to get out of here."
"I never liked ground work. I'm always an office job kind of person." she said as let me pack her stuff.
For the time I know Lydia, she's always kind of an indoor person. Moderately do assignments like writing reports, manage people rather than field duty unless absolutely necessary. That's why she chose Nana as her mentor.
"So you'll return to being a Clave's Envoy?"
"That's the plan." said Lydia "Thanks for fixing me the other day. And for... being a good friend."
"Can't have been that 'good' friend. You were about to leave without saying goodbye..." I zipped up her duffel bag as I finished packing then I turn around to face her "...again."
Lydia took a deep breath "It always felt hard for me to say goodbye."
"So you've said." we then share a hug.
Even though personally we have intricate relationship, I'm glad she got to be part of my life.
"You're always doing so much for other people, Maddie." she said in between hugs before we broke it "Please don't forget to do something for yourself."
All of the people in this world, she's the only one who knows how difficult my Nana can be as she experienced it firsthand for five years. Now, imagine living that way your whole life.
"I'm sorry about Hodge."
"Thank you."
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I got into my training outfit, tie my hair and let steam in the training room by sparring out a punching bag. Hit, after hit, after hit, and it doesn't make me feel better. I kept picturing myself to this stupid bag as if I'm punching myself which is so little than what I deserve.
Feeling exhausted, I put on a final blow on the bag, sending it flying across the room. Sand pour out on the tear from the punch I just landed.
"Amazing." a voice spoke behind me.
I wasn't expecting someone would still be up, considering it's late at night and the Institute wasn't dealing with anything right now... other than the loss of our fallen soldiers.
"Kate." I greeted, casually.
Kaitlyn Erin Davenport is an African-American female. Straight dark hair. Pale green eyes. 5'7 in height. And she is-- was, my father's protégé. She was like his right hand. Despite my father's status, she idolized him. I guess they understood each other. Kate is pretty much a pariah around here. Nobody wants to work with her, nobody trust her in the field.
A little over five years ago, on a mission, choosing to save a mundane, she let her partner die. She made a calculated choice. She thought there was enough time to save both but by the time she went around, her partner got skewered with demon claws. It was noble... she saved a life but everyone viewed that as betrayal saying that she can't be trust in the field as she won't have your back... literally.
What sucks the most was that partner was a crowd favorite — Mack Merryweather. He had a happy aura and he was always in such good mood. Mack was the only one who keep our work place alive. Initiating games and pranks. He's goofy, friends with everybody, happy go lucky kind of guy, proven by his love for everything and anything.
Despite putting the Institute in constant chaotic pranks and games, he rarely been punished for it and if he does, it was mostly mild. He was so charming, it even worked for Maryse and Robert. That's why when he passed, it put the Institute in a gray place.
That mission also started out a rumor around here that the dark burn-like patch on her right ulna that she got from that demon was actually her cursed from letting her partner die. It was of course a sob story but everyone loves a good gossip.
Since then, she devoted herself on being in backside. Helping my father in training. That until Alec showed her kindness. They sometimes went on task together. She starts to regain confidence again, but still restraint herself by choosing to do desk duties rather than field. But that kindness, made such impact on her that she watched Alec with affection for years.
I don't formally hold a grudge against her but she did try to make advances on Alec for the first few months we started dating. Well, by those time — as far as we all know — Alec wasn't interested in dating again after Lydia that's why her little crush feeling wasn't hindered until, me happens. She then became... passionate.
Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't view her as a competition because trust me, she has looks and she's tall. But she's not one of my crowd. Her idea of fun is home activities. Us-- or at least me, I like going alfresco.
Anyway, I know Alec is not one to play with relationship. With him, I feel safe.
"Training hasn't been the same without him." Kate said, making small talk. I just gave her a small smile while I patted my sweats with a towel "For what is worth. He was the greatest mentor I had. I really learned a lot from him... had he still be here, he would've made more best fighters in the world."
Yeah. He would have.
That put a small smile on my face "Thanks."
"I'm sorry for your loss." she said, sincerely.
Looking at her eyes, I noticed she's sad too. I'm so focused on my emotion, I didn't realize she lost a mentor.
"I'm sorry you lost your coach." I sighed and with an empathy smiled "Hey..." I softy called "You want to spar?"