Do you ever forget something? And if you don't forget, is it possible to forgive them? See, I'm not talking about the small things like forgetting to feed the dog and he starves for an hour longer than normal. No, things like that are forgettable.
I'm talking about pain, real physical and mental pain that someone puts you through. Is that forgettable and is it even forgivable? Every day I want to forget that Marnie is dead, I want to forget so I can move on with my life but can I move on with my life forgetting a girl like her? I want to forgive her for killing herself because she had reason, but I can't because she left me here alone without her.
Can we not forget but forgive?
When I was 15 years old, Austin came into my room when I was sleeping and cut half of my hair. I forgave him because I ended up with a nice hair cut after we fixed it, but I never forgot about it.
I believe it depends on a person, whether the person holds a grudge or not and if they're so selfish they don't care enough to fight for whatever is worth fighting for.
And I wonder what holding a grudge is and why a person would ever do that. If you really cared about a person and what they mean to you, isn't forgetting the best option? Not only forgiving but forgetting.
Am I holding a grudge on Marnie or am I just angry?
January 2nd, 2012—3:30 p.m.
It's beautiful, absolutely beautiful from this view. I can see buildings cascading for miles and miles with the river running long and wide. It's a different kind of beautiful, because it doesn't have the blue water you would see in some kind of Caribbean area, nor is it beauty in the ways of long green fields that continue to run for days. No, this is an old beauty. This is a timeless beauty. Just seeing the buildings, I can see the weathering on them, the timeless beauty that is etched in the walls of each building.
"See Big Ben out there?" Harry smiles and points out the other side, "and the Buckingham Palace, it's at the very end of that building" I walk over and look at the beautiful skyscrapers.
Harry wraps his arm around my waist and we just sit there, in innocence, in silence. I know he isn't looking out the window; he's looking straight at me, smiling at his own sight in front of him. I contemplate saying something to him, like stop staring you crazy. But I don't. Because I enjoy him admiring me.
Sometimes I wonder if Marnie knew I would bump into them again. I wonder if Marnie said something to one of them before she died, to get them to annoy me until I gave up. I wonder, sometimes, I wonder if she's ever standing right next to me. In my eyes, she's happy for me. Marnie is smiling at me, just like Harry is right now.
"What are you thinking?" he asks, leaning down and setting his chin on my shoulder
"Just thank you Harry" I smile at him, only to keep my gaze outside at the beautiful landscape.
"I don't know for what, but you're welcome" a simple kiss on my cheek is placed and the warmth of him disappears "we don't have much time left, but have some more wine with me?" he pours it into a glass
"Weren't we supposed to be on a plane today?" reality hits me, school starts back up in three days and I haven't even looked at my homework. Here I am, screwing around in London when I should be doing my homework. I should be getting ready to go back to school and catch up with my parents
Harry hands the glass to me and smiles, "we can catch the next plane whenever. Let's find Marnies gift and then we can go" I don't fight him, just take the glass and sip at the second glass of the day. I don't fight him because part of me doesn't want to leave me or this moment. I can really be content with standing in this glass ball for hours, days with Harry.
I don't know why my feelings became so strong towards him out of nowhere. The way he just holds me and does the small things to make sure I know he is here. Even when I walk in front of him he sets his hand on the small of my back, just a reminder that he is right behind me. I have strong feelings for Harry and he has done very little to show his to me. But then again I don't show him either.
Letting my mind get the best of me, I set my glass down and hug the man I've starting to like more than I could ever have thought. I place my head on his chest and his big arms wrap around mine. "What are you doing to me Harry?"
"I'm getting you out of your death filled apartment" he chuckles and kisses the top of my head, "and spending time with a girl that I fancy" I hear his laugh through his chest and I laugh too, leaning up to kiss his plump lips.
I turn away and smile before turning around towards the table, "chocolate covered strawberry?" I ask and he nods, walking towards me. I fed him the strawberry and he feeds me one. A simple gesture.
"Where do you think she wants us next?" I ask and look out the window
"She talked about beauty, what is something she finds physically beautiful?"
"Liam, and herself" I laugh at my own joke, finding confidence in my voice
He chuckles, "other than that. I mean, landscape wise, she said she loved the view from here"
"Buckingham palace?"
"She already mentioned it" he responds, running his hands through his hair, "we were supposed to be there first, so we would just be backtracking"
I nod to his thought, knowing that's a good point, something I didn't think of until now. What is something Marnie would have wanted to see? "The London Bridge!" I turn to look at Harry and he smiles
"the whole bridge?"
"No, think Harry. She was suicidal. Nothing was really beautiful to her. It was only beautiful because of the height. The skyline isn't pretty in this; this is something she could have jumped off of. Big Ben and the whole Buckingham Palace, jump off Big Ben or get shot by police by trespassing in the Buckingham Palace. This isn't about showing me London. This is her thought process"
"Morbid" he smirks and we both walk off of the carriage, "but I mean, the bridge isn't that high up, she would probably get injured jumping from it, not die."
"The tip top Harry. We go up the tower and it would be in there. Whatever it is."
"And what if you're wrong and we have gone up the London Bridge illegally?"
"Well, then I'm wrong and we're in jail. But I'm not wrong and we can go at night" The wind has picked up since we've been in the Eye, but the alcohol running through me is keeping me warm.
"It's guarded Taylor, all through the night"
"We are going up there" I get into the car and he sighs, getting in his side and heading back to the hotel.
9:00 p.m.
We've had dinner, we've talked and we've kissed. A lot. Ha. It got to the point where I didn't want him to stop.
Anyway, we're on our way to the bridge. I haven't thought of a plan, nor have I figured out where we were going to go once we got up there. But if Marnie got up there somehow, then I can. If there are guards there like Harry said then we would just have to distract them. Right?
"We ready to be told no?" Harry laughs and puts his jacket on.
"Just believe me Har" I run the brush through my hair before following him through the door and yet again getting into the elevator. Harry holds my waist and kisses my neck during the silent moments of the elevator ride, but I push him away in a humorous manner and smile at him.
The last few hours he's been playful like this. I truly like it; I like how he smiles and kisses me. I like how he tickles me just to see me smile and when I'm not looking he steals a kiss from my cheek. I like playful Harry, I like to see his dimples and his chuckle. I like spending time alone with him.
We park the car and head to the bridge, walking along the sidewalk, avoiding the fast cars that come along the bridge. I thought about going to the left end of the bridge because she was left handed and loved to be symbolic like that.
"Hi, can I assume you're Taylor Swift" a larger man asks as we stand in front of the door. I look at Harry and grin. Of course Marnie flirted her way to the security guard, gave a picture of me and told to look out for me. She's skilled. And dead, but she was skilled
"Yes, yes you can"
"Very good. I have something for you" he grabs my arm and I grab Harry's hand, climbing up the stairs. A man stands at the top with two harnesses in hand and grabs me while the larger man grabs Harry. A harness is attached onto my waist and one onto Harry. I'm a little worried but I attempt to stay calm since I forced Harry to come here and he doesn't need to deal with a panic attack.
They open a door and dark London is shown to the both of us. "Walk along this path, you're hooked on, no worries" he smiles and closes the door. Harry walks closer to me and holds my hand
I look out to see the bright lights of London. "It's beautiful"
"And a long jump" Harry jokes but isn't funny. "Sorry, too soon" he kisses my head and looks out. The wind picks up and I feel my nose getting colder as we stand out here. Harry holds onto the top of the railing and looks at me. He smiles and I smile back at him, taking in the moment we share together.
"What's that over there?" I point on the wall and he looks at it. "It's that the thing?"
Harry walks along the path and I follow him, "it's a picture frame" he notices it and grabs the object. I take a hold of it in my hands and look down at it. It's a picture of her and me as kids. I'm standing in a ballet tutu with my arms stretched wide. Marnie is just walking into the photo and acting like she's not standing in the middle of it. She's always loved the center of attention. That's why she loves this photo, because she's taking over the photo even though she "looks like" it was an accident.
I laugh, looking down at the photo of us. It's funny because this is what she would do and I shouldn't have thought any different. This is Marnie. She is the one to take me all over London, make me spend hundreds of dollars just to stand at the top of the London Bridge and hold a photo of us.