TW: Vaguely implied SA, small panic attack
GWYN'S POV
Azriel and Gwyn had parted ways when they reached the River Estate. He had told him that he needed to get his apartment ready and get things from the House of Wind. She had offered to help, but he simply stated that he wanted her to rest. He assured her that once he would go to her.
When she entered the estate, she was met with silence. She didn't realize how long they had stayed out for. After the restaurant, he had taken her on a flight across the Sidra. He had flown till they reached the shore of where the Sidra connected to the ocean. He flew them for hours over Velaris, both of them basking in the view and the warmth of their mates.
She quietly made her way to the guest room she had stayed at and went to take a bath. She threw in soaps of lavender that soon had the bathing room smelling of the lovely flower.
She lowered herself into the porcelain tub and sighed in comfort of the warm water. She let her head fall back to the end of the tub and closed her eyes.
—————
"Gwyneth..." a deep voice called her out of her sleep.
Her eyes fluttered her open as she groaned, stretching her stiff legs underwater.
Underwater....
Her eyes shot open as she realized she must have fallen asleep bathing. The voice that woke her was her mate, kneeling at the side of tub.
The tub in which she was naked in.
She couldn't breathe. She felt her body shaking, her mind flashing to that kitchen table in Sangravah. Her body felt so weak. She tried to catch her breath, but no avail. Tears started trickling down her eyes, she felt too exposed.
Too exposed.....
"Gwyn," Azriel said, this time his voice
was softer. He reached a scarred hand out to her, but she flinched. Seeing the pain that flashed through his eyes wanted her to grab his hand, tell him it was alright, but she couldn't. She felt frozen, out of body.
Azriel's hand went back to his side and he had gotten up from the bathing room floor.
"What can I do?" He asked, his voice sounded broken and only made more tears steam down Gwyn's face.
She opened her mouth but nothing came up. She did it again. Again. And again. No sound came out of her mouth.
The shaking in her body had yet to leave. Her breaths were coming in harsher.
Her shadows frantically darted out to Azriel's, telling them what she needed.
Azriel's throat worked as he was relayed what her shadows had told his. Without speaking, he walked out of the bathing room and closed the door.
Being alone didn't feel as exposing as it did a few seconds ago. The shaking of her body started to slow as well as the tears.
She tried to do her Mind-Stilling but her mind was too frantic for it.
She felt a thump outside of the door and with what her shadows told her, she could picture the Shadowsinger pressing his forehead against the door. His emotions were dampened through the bond, she knew the only reason Azriel had done this was to help her sort out her own feelings without being confused which feelings where hers.
She was safe. She made it out.
I am the rock against which the surf crashes. Nothing can break me.
I am the rock against which the surf crashes. Nothing can break me.
I am the rock against which the surf crashes. Nothing can break me.
She kept repeating until she started to believe it again.
Slowly, she rose from the tub, careful of not watching her naked reflection on the mirror, not wanting to see her broken body.
She didn't know why her fucking insecurities were, well, showing up now. The sole time she touched herself was in front of a mirror, but ever since Azriel came back, looking at the mirror made her feel unworthy and damaged.
The panic episode she just had, just further deepened it. Azriel would never truly want her, he was only being enchanted by the mating bond.
How would he react when he finally realized the damaged mate he was left with? How would he react to her body marred with ugly scars?
He deserved much better...
He deserved a mate he could fuck. A mate that would shy away from touches. Who wouldn't fucking flinch away from theme. Someone who was willing to accept the bond right away....
"Gwyn?" His voice drew her out of her thoughts. "Are you alright?"
"Yes," she said before continuing after a small pause. "Let me finish up." She knew he wouldn't believe her, but she still needed a few more minutes to herself.
To hopefully gather enough courage to make herself a worthy mate.
She dried her body quickly and dressed in leggings and one of Azriel's shirts.
She reached to open the door and breathed out as the knob turned.
As expected, the Shadowsinger was right outside the door, taking her in with worried eyes.
He went to say something, but Gwyn beat him to it. "I'm fine... truly," she added as Azriel's brows creased in disbelief. "Let's go to bed." He didn't deserve a mate that was plagued by a trauma that happened almost four years ago.
He hesitantly followed her to the bed in the center of the guest room.
As she placed her back on the bed, fear threatened to swallow her whole at she was about to do, but he deserved better so she would do it for him. She owed it to him.
She reached out a hand and Azriel's hazel eyes narrowed on her hand and then face. Hs placed a scarred hand into her and as he placed one knee in the mattress, Gwyn said.
"I want you to fuck me, Shadowsinger."
AZRIEL'S POV
He left Gwyn at the estate as he went up to the House of Wins to collect some essentials for their apartment. Their apartment.
He would be lying if he said that he wasn't smug that he would have his mate to himself almost every single day.
"What's got you smitten?" The question came from the dinning room. The eldest Archeron sister came out in a short red shift, eating a plate of fish.
"Nothing," he replied shortly. He wanted to get back to Gwyn as quickly as possible. The mere thought of being away for longer than a few hours was unbearable.
Nesta gave him a knowing look and rolled her eyes when he denied to tell her more.
"What are you doing awake?" It was late, well into the early morning.
"Cassian made me skip out on dinner, he finally let me come downstairs to eat." Indeed, Azriel could scent his brother's lingering arousal on her.
"Tell him not to beak you," Azriel mused.
Nesta snorted, "We all know I would be the one to break him." Azriel only shook his head in response. "How's Gwyn?"
She's worried for her chosen sister, his shadows told him.
No shit, Azriel replied.
"She's doing well. I showed her Velaris and we spent the rest of the flying," he couldn't help hiding the small smile as the memories from today flashed through his head.
"She really does have you smitten," Nesta pointed out again, but her eyes held fondness for him and his mate.
"Yea, she does," Azriel admitted softly. He didn't realize when Nesta stepped closer to him, but she was close enough that if he were to stretch out his arm, he would touch her.
Nesta stared up at him and even though she gave up her powers, he swore silver flames still shone in those grey-blue eyes. "You be good to her Az."
"Always," he vowed.
And just like Winter Solstice, when he had gifted her the small silver wand, she flung her arms around him. Azriel gave a soft smile even though she couldn't see it.
She pulled away from the embrace. "You both are perfect for each other." He opened his mouth to say something back, but Nesta had already turned to go back to her room.
------------
He entered the room where he followed Gwyn's scent. The bed was empty and he was about to panic, but his shadows had informed that she had fallen asleep in the bathing room.
He opened the door slowly, not wanting to see anything without her knowing, but when he realized that she was in the tub, he opened the door all the way.
Her copper hair was damp, sticking to the pale skin of her neck and shoulder. Her eyes closed, lashes brushing her freckled face.
She had freckles all over her shoulder as well, he never truly noticed before. He wanted to count all of them.
Her breathing told him that she had fallen asleep.
He neared up on the tub and went on his knees. His shadows rested on her bare shoulders. The bubbles in the water made it so he couldn't see anything through the scented water.
"Gwyn," he whispered. She shifted her head against the tub, but didn't wake up.
"Gwyneth," he said. She groaned as her eyes fluttered open.
He saw her become aware of her surroundings. But in a blink of an eye, all Azriel could spell was her fear. His shadows wisp around the tub, trying to calm her down.
He felt her freeze up, stop breathing. All he smelled and felt was fear. He closed off his side of the bond, not wanting to overwhelm her with his feelings right now.
He said her name again and made the move to reach out his hand, but she flinched. Flinched.
He felt something inside him tear at that reaction, even though he knew that she only reacted that way due to the panic attack she was having.
He backed away from the tub.
"What can I do?" Anything to help her from the plagues of her past. She struggled to find her voice and her shadows came over for her.
She wants to be alone, her own shadows sounded weaker.
She started shaking horribly and he fought the urge to go and ground her, knowing it would only make manners worse.
He decided on staying, knowing first hand himself that dealing with things in your own can come to fuck you up later.
But he obeyed her wishes.
He turned around and opened the door to the bedroom. He turned his head once more, the image of Gwyn shaking and trembling stayed with him.
He closed the door behind him and his shadows asked too many questions. All he cared about was making sure his mate was alright. He felt guilty to have triggered her panic attack.
The way she shook made the memories of that night resurface in his head. The way she looked at him on that kitchen table after he killed those disgusting Hybern soldiers.
He leaned his head against the door, hoping Gwyn could feel him through it.
———————
He didn't know how long she stayed behind that door. Barely any sound was heard and he restrained himself from kicking down the door and making sure she was ok with his own eyes.
"Gwyn?" He checked in, the silence was too much for him. She had closed off her side of the bond. "Are you alright?" Of course she wasn't, but he needed to hear her voice.
"Yes," she responded softly and he didn't not believe it. "Let me finish up."
He heard the tub draining and the rustle of clothing.
He stepped back from the door and soon afterwards, his mate opened the door. She wore one of his shirts. Her eyes were red and he could she how tired she truly was.
He went to ask her if she was alright one more time, hoping she would tell him how he truly felt, but she spoke first.
"I'm fine.... truly," Gwyn assured him. "Let's go to bed." Her face was... determined?
He hesitated, not wanting to trigger another episode. He neared the bed as she settled herself in on her side. She held out a small hand to him, and taking how she reacted last time, he was hesitant again as he placed his hands over hers.
He went to get onto the bed. Her next words made his blood still.
"I want you to fuck me Shadowsinger." Surely, he couldn't have heard her right.
"Wh-what?" Now he was shaking slightly.
"I want you to fuck me Shadowsinger," she repeated. Now he understood why she looked somewhat determined.
But even if she was determined, her eyes held no light. He didn't know why she was asking for this.
Before he could say something, Gwyn rose on her elbows and kissed passionately. Immediately, her tongue met his. One hand went to his nape and he couldn't hold back the groan that escaped him.
They'd kissed like this before, but it felt too rushed now. Her side of the bond still closed.
He went to pull away, but Gwyn's mouth continued its assault, now on his neck.
"Gwyn," he spoke out, wanting to know why she truly wanted to do this now.
She stopped, and looked at him, lips swollen. Her eyes still held little light.
"Why?" He asked breathless.
"Because we are mates and mates have sex with each other." She went to press her lips to his, but he stopped her this time.
"Gwyn, I told you we don't need to rush." He didn't know where this was coming from.
She rolled her eyes, "I know, but I'm telling you I want this." He couldn't stop her this time as she kissed him again with the same ferocity like last time. She pushed his back slightly
and he knew what she was asking for. He laid against his back, not caring for his wings discomfort, and she straddled his hip.
As she started to move her hips, Azriel spoke again. "Gwyn, why are we going so fast?"
"Why do you decide to be so talkative right now?"
"Because we both know that you aren't in the right state of mind," Azriel argued.
"I am in the right state. You deserve to fuck your mate, I'm letting you do that." Her words struck cord inside him.
He lifted her off his lap and got up from the bed. Her face showed her hurt.
"No." He simply said, he didn't want to hurt her even more.
"YOU CAN FUCK ME AZRIEL!" She shouted as her hands went to grab her hair, yanking it. "I know that I am broken but you can fuck your mate Azriel. You can fix me," she pleaded and it hurt Azriel even more.
"Unless you don't want to..."
He went to her and cupped her face. "I want to fuck you. I want to rip your clothes off and bury my cock inside you and fuck until we are both hoarse. But I'm not going to. Don't fight me on this. You are not ready and personally neither am I. I don't know what led you on to think that you owed me sex, but you don't. You never will. This relationship is not just sex, it is more than that. Please tell me you understand."
His eyes bore into her and she nodded slowly. He felt her walls slowly crumble. One by one, he was met with her emotions. Anger, sadness, and one he found himself facing often; unworthiness.
Tears fell down her face slowly but she didn't take her eyes off him.
Neither did he as he said his next words. "I love you, Gwyneth Berdara. I love you for your charming irreverence. I love your smile, your voice, your kindness. I love your determination. I love everything about you. You are more than enough, more than I could ever be. " He leaned in to press his lips to her temple, let them linger there.
"Let's go to sleep," he smiled softly. "We'll talk tomorrow when we are both better rested."
He settled himself on his side of the bed and waited for Gwyn to do the same. He didn't expect for her to say it back, but he needed her to hear it. Needed her to understand that he accepted everything about her. He knew how insecurities could plague someone, fuck, it plagued him too. He would help her slowly realize the great person her knew.
She stared at him for a while longer before settling right next to him.
As his eyes slowly shuttered closed, the last thing he heard was his lovely mate's voice whispering,
"Thank you."