Doe's POV:
I still didn't say a word.
Neither of us did.
Not one while I warmed up under his coat while we waited for Khloe and Nico to finally return from their break and we left for ours.
None as I followed Xander through town to find a shop that sold what he looked to have in mind for me.
And still nothing as Xander grabbed something and we were now standing in the short line to purchase it.
I just left it to him, figuring that he knew what he was looking for, and he probably knew what was warmest.
My clothing knowledge went only as far as knowing what looked good together.
Even more of a reason to just keep quiet and let the silence eat away at me.
It's not like I didn't want to talk, but I didn't know how to even handle what I was feeling right now.
It was an incredibly uncomfortable mix of guilt, shame, and the regret of my naivety all wrapped up into one.
Add that one to the list of new experiences that I didn't know how to deal with.
A new mix of emotions that I've never really had a reason to feel until now.
The silence was brutally uncomfortable and left me just keeping my eyes down and holding myself underneath his coat.
I hadn't even looked to see whatever he was getting me because a part of me was saying that I didn't deserve it.
That I had thrown a tantrum like a toddler and got away with zero repercussions. Instead, pushing the consequences onto Xander by making him look bad on top of making him use his money on me, and sacrificing his own jacket to make sure I didn't freeze to death in the meantime.
I hooked my fingers against the inside seam, pulling the fabric closer to my body, that pressure in my chest feeling like it was going to burst.
I knew that if I truly wanted to, I could view this whole situation as revenge. As a way to get back at him for all the shit, he's put me through because of Layla.
Because of the attachment the deepest part of him grew on her, and how often she likes to abuse it.
But right now, that didn't sit right with me.
Not after what's happened recently.
Not after he finally realized how deep the wound was with his relationship with his brother, his lies to Layla to protect me, and the hope that he was finally slipping through the cracks of the wall I tried to keep it behind.
I spared a glance up at Xander from where I stood a few feet back, the fact that the discomfort of this silence was something that only I was experiencing.
Throughout the entire time since he'd given me his coat, not once have I since even a hint of annoyance or anything of the sort on him.
Just the same calm demeanor that his last words to me contained.
And still peaking over at me every few minutes as a subtle check-in.
The check-ins that I, on most other occasions, found pointless and annoying.
But now it reminded me that he wasn't feeling the same emotions towards me that I was currently feeling towards myself.
Even though he had every right to be, and I couldn't wrap my head around why he wasn't.
It almost felt like he was just waiting... Not in an expectant way or anything, but just... patiently standing by for something.
I knew it wasn't exactly hard for him to figure out my emotions, so he had to be doing that for a reason.
I followed the step forward he took towards the cashier, hearing him make short conversation with the person working that I couldn't force myself to focus on.
Instead, I slowly had my arms find their way into the sleeves and pulling them up enough to where my hands could escape to work at the buttons.
I wanted to give him his stuff back as soon as possible and knew he wouldn't take it until he'd given me the one he just bought.
With the purchase made, he stepped away and headed towards the front of the store, stopping just beside the doors.
His jacket was off and partially folded in my hands before I extended it out for him to take back.
He did, his movements as calm as before.
I allowed my eyes to follow when instead of handing me what he had gotten me in exchange, he instead hung his jacket over his shoulder and held what he had gotten me out, and open, just waiting for me to slip my arms through the sleeves.
All with that same, soft smile.
That pressure rose into my throat at the gesture, eyes bulging as I finally looked over what he had gotten me.
It was a topcoat that nearly matched his, except instead of a dark navy, it was a light purple and the inside was laced soft, white fur.
Instead of just one line of buttons, this one had two, as well as a belt that went around the waist.
I know I didn't want to admit it, but Xander did have good taste.
So, unbuckling my knees, I turned and slipped it on with his help.
He left me to button and buckle it myself as he figured out his own.
The coat fell just to the top of my knees, a quick head-turn to my right spotting the mirror that sat against the wall.
It did look good on me...
Plus I could already tell that it was going to keep me nice and warm.
My eyes fell back to him as he finished the final adjustments to his jacket, his brows raising subtly and head tilting in a question he's silently asked me many times while we were in public.
'You ready?'
I just nodded, the tightness in my throat growing worse by the second.
He responded with one of his own, turning towards the door.
Yet when his back turned to me, I found my hand moving, reaching for him in a quick burst as I finally gave in to my desperation.
My grasp was pitiful, just an inch of his jacket getting pinched between the pad of my thumb and the side of my first finger.
There was absolutely no confidence behind the gesture.
Just the force of him walking normally would've been enough for it to get torn from my grasp without him even noticing it, to begin with.
Or that was my thought process for a split second.
The reality was that the entirety of him stopped as if I had grabbed him by his hair, freezing mid-step.
I glanced nervously around the mostly empty shop, seeing his head turned and his eye on me.
I couldn't keep eye contact as I swallowed whatever petty pride I had left.
"I'm sorry," My words came out nearly silent and in an unintentional, piteous croak.
I cringed at the mere sound of them but mentally demanded myself to continue.
To just go and put it all out onto the table so it would stop festering away in my chest.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I did just that.
"It was stupid, and I knew that from the beginning but did it anyway. It was an idiotic, heat-of-the-moment decision, and I didn't stop to think ahead or realize what other consequences would come out of it other than just my own, and I was willing to deal with that but I forgot the fact that my actions reflect directly onto you."
I had to stop, realizing that I had said all that in just one breath and now had to regain a few.
As I did, I felt myself tense as Xander turned, the small grip I had on him being pulled from me.
My hand just lingered there for a moment as he finally faced me, eyes studying my face as he oh-so-gently rose his hand to take mine exactly how I did to his this morning.
His movements were almost aggravatingly slow, his narrow-eyed gaze searching for any sign of a negative reaction out of me.
I too was waiting for it.
For the instinctive pull away at the feeling of being touched.
For her clawed grip on me to crush down onto me, but it never did.
The only reasoning I could come up with being that the temperature of his touch was fresh on my mind from this morning.
That and the specific smell he had was practically all over me from wearing his coat, and therefore fresh on my senses.
I guess those two combined were enough for my entirety to know that it was him.
It was just him.
I was okay.
I was safe.
Still, after we both realized that no bad reaction was coming, he just held my hand, careful not to tighten his grip.
He knew my reaction to being grabbed was... bad, so he just held it there, his thumb grazing over my knuckles.
The first hint of physical comfort that I've ever allowed myself to get from someone else.
I found myself blinking back tears rather quickly, and biting down on my lip to keep it from trembling.
Even after all of that, I still refused to let him see my cry.
He can have my apology, I'll admit to my idiocy, but I won't be brought down to tears in front of him.
That was still something that I never wanted him to see.
I just stared at the contact as he closed a bit of space between us, now only being about a foot apart.
Taking in a last deep breath, I spoke again.
"I promise it wasn't my intention to make you look bad in front of Nico," were my next quiet words.
I wanted to get that out there before anything else.
"I know," He whispered, his voice carrying a soft serenity I think was meant to help soothe me.
It mirrored itself on his face as I finally let myself look at it, causing more confusion in me than anything.
"How are you not mad?!" I pressed, holding tighter to his hand.
A single melancholic laugh escaped him.
"I could feel your regret the second we stepped outside. There's no need for me to rub in consequences that you've already suffered through. And as for Nico, it was nothing I haven't done to myself a hundred times in the past, Doe, and if I'm being completely honest, Nico's thoughts back there were the least of my worries at the time. Not to mention that he's gonna see you in this when we get back, so maybe that'll clear me up a bit."
"I'll tell him the truth!" I offered in a haste, "or you can, or-"
"Hey hey hey," He eased, tapping his thumb against my knuckles, "It's okay, trust me. It's my fault he views me like that, to begin with, so I'll handle it. Now that you're not freezing to death I'll actually be able to think straight. You needed a new jacket for the winter anyway."
I felt my hope pounding hard against the wall I had built around it.
The hope that maybe, just maybe, he cared about me more than just because of what I could give to Layla.
It's been there for a couple days now, but I was trying so hard just to keep it contained.
To keep it small enough to where it wouldn't hurt as much if it were taken from me, but it was a battle I was starting to lose more and more frequently.
And that terrified me and exhilarated me all at the same time.
I let myself deflate as my guilt and other lingering emotions eventually simmered down, focusing solely on the sensation of his thumb rubbing against my skin.
"I don't know how you live like this, " I admitted.
His laugh sounded more real this time.
"What? Coming up with lies on the spot and then having to live with them while the consequences fly at you from every angle?"
I nodded, "It's exhausting,"
"Believe me, I know. Is this how you feel when you watch me do it?"
"Frustrated beyond belief knowing it could've been avoided completely?"
"Mhm," He was finding this amusing.
"Then yes," I concluded.
"Damn," He looked down to our hands, "I don't know how you haven't ripped my head off yet."
I felt my energy coming back to me as he started up our typical banter.
"Oh don't worry, It's gotten close," I joked back.
Even though it was partially serious, right now, I could joke about it.
"I don't doubt it."
He stared for just a bit longer, before lowering our hands and releasing mine with a deep sigh.
"Please don't do that to me again. I was serious about the heart attack."
I bit the inside of my lip to keep myself from smiling at the sincerity.
"I promise."
"Good," I followed his request as he turned and gestured for me to walk beside him.
"Are we going back?" I questioned as we stepped back into the cold.
The cold that would be having quite a hard time getting to me now.
"Oh hell no," He scoffed, "Did you see how long Nico and Khloe were gone? For a break he lied about, he sure took his damn time."
"He lied about that?!"
I mean, that made sense, but it was just out of character.
A lot of things from him today were out of character.
"Without a doubt. He barely tried to make it sound convincing."
I believed him...
Although I guess it's different for vampires. Especially brothers that have lived together for centuries.
"Where we going then?"
"The cafe" He responded, "I figured we could get something hot to drink and get you something to snack on since you were too frozen to eat lunch."
I stuck my hands into the fur-lined pockets, wiggling them against the softness.
"Sounds good to me."