"M-Ma... si Papa... n-nagpatiwakal.."
Spitting those words out of my mouth felt like it drained all the energy out of me.
Nanghihina ang buong sistema kong napatingin sa walang buhay na katawan ni Papa habang nakatali ang leeg.
Seeing my dad lifeless while hanging is the most traumatizing scene I've ever witnessed. I don't even know if I could erase that painful scene in my head.
At 16 years old, I've lost my loving father and him, leaving us in a drastic way was the least thing I expected.
I've known my father as a jolly and care-free person. He'd never allow any negativity consumed him and our family.
So, as time goes by, I couldn't help but wonder why he had to reach that point.
When I reached at 18, there, everything is slowly making sense to me. I now understood why my father ended his life.
"Bakit kasi 'di ka gumaya sa mga pinsan mo! Nagmana ka talaga sa tatay mo na WALANG SILBI!" sigaw ni Mama.
My heart instantly ripped apart with her words.
I hate how my mom compares me with my cousins, but I hate it more on how she insulted and disrespect my father like that!
As far as I know, my dad had always loved my mom when he's alive. I've witnessed how my father treated her like a queen even though we don't have a castle. My dad showered her with care and treasured her like she's the most precious gem my dad had.
And now, she would disrespect my father after everything?!
"What the hell, Ma!" puno ng sarkasmong litanya ko nang maalala lahat ang sakripisyo ni papa para sa kaniya.
"How can you easily say those words, Ma? Wala na ba talagang halaga sa 'yo si Papa?" My voice broke.
"Aba't sumasagot-sagot ka pa ha!"
She was about to slap me when I harshly grabbed her wrist.
She was stunned and her eyes grew bigger.
"TANDAAN MO, UTANG NA LOOB MO SA AKIN NA PINANGANAK KA!" her voice roared.
With teary eyes, I stared at my mother coldly.
"Hindi ko kailanman hiniling na ipanganak mo ako sa mundong 'to, Ma! Kasi kung ganito lang din naman ang buhay na ipapamulat mo sa akin, bakit ko pa hihilingin? Mas gugustuhin ko na lang na hindi mabuhay sa mundong 'to kung ganito pala ang madadatnan ko! Tandaan mo 'yan!" mahina ngunit mariin na litanya ko sa kaniya.
And with that, I left her speechless.
As I turned my back, the tears that I was holding for too long are finally falling.
I swear, it was my first time to fight back at my mom. Hindi ko ginusto ang nangyari pero hindi ko rin siya hahayaang insultuhin si Papa nang gano'n-gano'n lang.
"Naku, si Andrea? Yung anak ko? For sure, maaga 'yang mabubuntis," wika ni Mama sa mga Tita kong bumisita sa bahay.
"Grabe ka naman sa anak mo, mare."
Hindi ko na pinakinggan ang pag-uusap nila at nagkulong sa kwarto.
Iyak lamang ako ng iyak. A mother shouldn't be supposed to act like that! She should be the support system of her child— not the root of all the bully and maltreatments.
From that day onwards, I promised to myself that I will become a lawyer no matter what it takes. Isasampal ko sa lahat ang mga achievements ko at ipapalunok ko sa lahat ang mga salitang binitawan nila.
I will prove them wrong!
Right at 25, I passed the Bar Exam for Law and even bagged the Sixth spot in the entire Philippines.
I finally became a lawyer with my own efforts, sweat, hardwork and money.
"Patawarin mo na kasi 'yong Tito mo, anak. Hindi naman niya sinasadya 'yong nangyari noon kasi lasing siya. Awang-awa na ako sa Tito mo anak. 'Di ka ba naawa sa Tito mo?"
The way how my mother made an effort to come in my apartment and asked for forgiveness disgusts the hell out of me.
"Ako 'yong anak mo pero sa kaniya ka naaawa?" Pagak akong natawa. "Ako 'yong biktima pero sa kaniya ka naaawa? Ako ang biktima pero ako dapat ang mag-adjust? Kung sabagay, bakit ka nga ba maaawa sa akin kung nga bilang nanay ko, 'di ka naniwala sa akin no'ng sinabi ko 'yong ginawa niya!"
Mapakla akong napangiti at pilit na pinipigilan ang mga luha kong huwag bumagsak sa harap niya.
I was once a loving daughter to my mother. I was once a jolly person to everyone.
But all of them made me heartless that I am right now.
"Kahit luluhod ka pa o iiyak, hindi mo makukuha ang kapatawaran na hinihiling mo!" asik ko.
"Anak naman... parang wala tayong pinagsamahan.."
Natawa na lang ako.
"So, you cared about our bond?" angil ko.
"ANG GALING MO!" nanggagalaiting litanya ko.
Hindi ko na kinaya 'yong hapdi sa dibdib ko hanggang sa naramdaman ko na lang ang pagragasa ng mga luha sa mata ko.
"ALAM MO, SOBRANG LAKI NG TAMPO KO SA 'YO, MA!"
Nagsimula na akong mapaiyak sa harap niya.
"NI MINSAN, HINDI MO IPINARAMDAM SA AKIN NA NANAY KITA! HINDI MO MAN LANG PINAKITA SA AKIN NA MAHALAGA AKO SA BUHAY MO! KAYA HINDI MO AKO MASISISI KUNG SOBRANG LAYO NG LOOB KO SA 'YO NGAYON!"
Mas lalong bumigat ang paghinga ko at para na akong tanga sa kaiiyak.
"ALAM MO PA KUNG SAAN AKO SOBRANG NASAKTAN? IT'S WHEN YOU HAD A SECRET AFFAIR WITH TITO MAX WHILE YOU WERE STILL ON WITH MY FATHER!"
There, I cried so much.
"Magkapatid sila, Ma!" sigaw ko sa kaniya. "Kaya hindi ko masisisi si Papa kung bakit siya nagbigti!"
Nakayuko lamang si Mama at kita ko ang labis na hiya sa mukha niya.
With a shattered heart, I stared at my mother with no emotions.
"I will make sure that Tito Max will rot in jail, Ma! Dahil hindi lang ang hustisiya ko ang pinaglalaban ko, kundi pati na rin ang kaso ng anak mo sa kaniya na ginahasa niya rin mismo!"
"You are defending a rapist, Ma! He raped me and my step sister who was his own daughter! And I didn't become a lawyer for nothing, Ma. I will definitely make sure that I will get our justice even if it means you became my enemy!" I screamed with conviction.
"Makakaalis ka na," malamig na litanya ko.
She just stared at me with tears in her eyes.
"A-Anak... I'm sorry..."
With so much tears in my eyes, I dropped my final words as I weakly smiled at her.
"Forgiveness is not for everyone, Ma. Most especially when those people scarred and damaged you for life!"