If we're torn apart then I won't let go
'Cause wherever we are, it feels like home
And I'll love you 'till the end
I'll love you 'till the end
...
I woke up with a throbbing headache and sore muscles. My head spun in circles reminding me of the amount of ale I drank yesterday night. I wasn't really used to it anymore as in days of sickness I sticked with Triskas herbal tea. Maybe that was part of why I felt so bad as well, maybe my body was slowly getting rid of the poison. But as I pushed the pain and tiredness away joy overcame me again. Ivar and I were finally married.
It all felt so... full. The emptiness I carried in my heart seemed more manageable and there was a joy in waking up and seeing the face of this cuddly demon beside mine.
Merely by the thought of him I turned around in his grasp to look at my equally destroyed husband. His dark eyebrows were knitted together as with each of his steady breaths his perfect nose was twitching a little.
He'd probably shove my face back into the pillow if he caught me in the act of blankly watching him like that but I couldn't keep it in. I felt it in my soul, the urge to study every detail in his face so I would never ever forget it. So I could draw it in my nightmares and transform them into daydreams.
I had often enough caught him staring at me, no matter if it was in such intimate moments like this or if it was out in public, even across a whole battlefield. But of course the rules of staring didn't apply to him as he had explained. "Its my nature you know that." "Well than I should at least have the right to look at you as well!" I had answered but to him that was nonsense. And so I had to use times like these to watch this handsome mess I now call mine.
My eyes wandered further down his face to the lips which made something in the bottom of my stomach twitch just in the thought of having them on mine again. The way they pulled into a smirk as they formed the word Wife. I had the thought running around my mind since he first said it. It made me crazy for him.
I scan the little hair beginning to grow back on his chiselled chin and wondered how he would look with a beard. Would he have one once we were older? Could I watch as small specks of sliver began to show that painfully reminded him that our time was fading? Or would he embrace his ageing, perhaps even age like wine did? I was sure he could never stop looking gorgeous even in older age.
I look down to his muscular neck admiring the love bites I gave him. It might be silly but I liked that it showed everyone that my love for him is as passionately as his is for me. Though I think the people might be rather concerned by the look of me as I was way worse off in marks of his affection. I looked abused with purply yellow marks all around my neck, the soft flesh of my chest and the inner side of my thighs.
He sometimes apologised for them but like always I had to take Ivars words with a grain of salt. I could see his shit eating grin on the marks every time he saw them. But as I was healing faster than others he had taken it to a personal challenge to put them on me the second he saw them fading. Apparently a ring on my finger wasn't enough to show off who I belonged to.
My eyes travel over the crimson sheets seeing the lining of our bodies beneath them. And as I dare to look even further I see one of Ivars legs unexposed. My mind hadn't changed about them, I still liked them like everything else about Ivar though I was certain he was still full of venom in the thought of them Would he allow my eyes on them now that they weren't a secret between us? Or would he pull the blanket over them as soon as he woke up?
Like almost always with my needless thoughts and worries they consumed me so I didn't even realize that Ivar was awake till I felt a rough hand grabbing my chin so he could draw my lips to his.
"Good morning wife." he murmured his voice still raspy from sleep and ale.
"Good Morning Husband." I chuckled embracing him in a hug so our warm skin was pressed against each other under the soft blanket.
"What troubled your pretty mind on this morning?" he asks as he knew exactly that I was in my head again. his chest vibrated against my upper body as I was draped over him preventing me from falling right back to sleep.
"Harald is departing for England today. We have a meeting with my council and I-" I stop myself hesitantly.
"You what?" he asks as I feel him stiffen under me.
"I have something I need your advice on. Not as Ivar the Boneless but as my Husband." I mumble thinking about the peacefully sleeping Triska that probably didn't even care about the betrayal. About the pain she caused me.
"Are you pregnant?" he asks hesitantly as I feel him stiffen even more. I look up to his wide eyes shaking my head hesitantly.
"It's nothing of this sorts but I can't tell you just yet." I reply seeing a wave of sadness wash over his face.
"So I have to wait for the gods know how long seeing this worry on my wife's face?" he asks as his thumb caresses my cheek.
"Sometimes you have to wait for the right moment." I answer leaning up to give him a quick yet soft kiss on the lips as it was time to wake up. Though I was happy to lay with him here till eternity there were things to do.
"And sometimes you have to make space for the right moment." he smirks as his hand goes to the back of my head pulling me closer again.
"Ivar!" I warn him as his hungry lips pull on mine as his other hand sneaks down on the both of us. His fingers traced the place where my tattoo sat. Heat began rising between us as his thumb went under the lining of undergarments.
"Come on its still so early they won't care if we come later." he pleads kissing me again and again. I'm shocked by his energy as I was feeling demolished and like my lady parts needed a few days off. How could his hunger not have gone down?
"I don't like coming too late and I'm not going to start now that were married." I assure him pressing a last kiss on his forehead before climbing down from him. The room looks like a mess. Our clothing lies sprawled all over the floor as blessings and flowers already started to die. I ignore Ivars stare that's burning into the back of my head as I'm heading to my closet picking out what I would wear.
I miss the days in which dresses were something occasional and I had the comfort of some sturdy simple pants. With a sigh I grab a charcoal dress and put it on still Ignoring Ivars demanding glare. Those eyes can make anyone insane.
As I'm finished putting it on, securing the back I hear a small huff from behind me.
"What's wrong?" I ask as I secure a few bracelets and making sure my new necklace was still there.
"Is everything alright with the dress- I mean does it still fit like it used to?" he asks hesitantly as he begins to stand up as well.
"Are you implying that I got fat?" I ask whipping around to him.
"Gods no but I was hoping for... some tightness around your-" he says gesturing towards his own belly.
"Ivar even if I was pregnant- which I highly doubt you wouldn't even be able to see it. We began laying with each other only a few weeks ago." I sigh looking at the nearby mirror noticing a little puffiness around my cheeks. Probably from last night.
"I just hoped all the effort was worth it." he sighs looking up to me.
"I'm sorry to disappoint you Husband." I spit taking my crown from the table before marching out. I know he didn't mean it like I perceived it but I wasn't looking for a conversation about my useless womb this early in the morning.
I paced through the great hall ignoring my duties or breakfast as a fact going directly to the docks. I hoped to catch Harald to say my goodbyes as I felt a certain tension between him and Ivar that I hoped to mend at least a little.
I see him still on the docks and as I emerge he smiles a me dismissing the men he had a conversation with.
"King Harald excuse me for coming this late to say my goodbyes." I chuckle faking a smile.
"No worries Queen Hella, I figured your Husband held you busy celebrating the marriage."
"And how much there is to celebrate right my love?" Ivar suddenly says slinging his arm around my waist. I glare at his satisfied face as he simply smiles at Harald.
"I mean a won battle, a Kingdom, alliances, the marriage to a goddess... and of course our unborn child." Ivar says smirks at Harald who looks shocked. My head spins as I glare at Ivar who confidently smiles while I feel like my jaw dropped to the floor.
"I know my dear we wanted to wait to announce it but Harald is our friend isn't he?" Ivar lies straight into my face smiling. shocked and unsure what to say I quickly nod trying my best to show off a confident laugh.
"You're right Husband, I hope that our dear friend can keep our secret though." I laugh laying my hand on Ivars chest. Oh how I'm going to rip off his head when were alone. What did he think while constructing this lie?
"My lips are sealed. Congratulations to the two of you or shall I say three." Harald says looking down on me.
"Now if you'll excuse me, my men are yearning for an adventure and I shouldn't make them wait." he says nodding towards us before walking onto one boat. We stay in each others embrace though I want to kill him and wait for the boats to all depart before I let go of him storming to the great hall. Has he gone completely insane?! How could he bring me in such a position.
I push open the heavy doors of the great hall being met by five pairs of eyes looking at me. There were Hvitserk and Selene with Aren, Revna and Triska already waiting for us. Cerberus was beside Hvitserk wagging his tail at the sight of me.
I don't hesitate to sit beside Selene as I didn't fancy a seat beside Ivar right now. The slave girls were already running up with some porridge and hot milk with honey. I thank them and begin to eat as Ivar falls on a chair across the table from me looking out of breathe. His eyes meet mine and my heart jumps a little at the thought of the discussion we would have later on.
The meeting began and it was quite interesting for once. Technically all my possessions and titles fall to Ivar as my husband but he was very persistent to leave what we had before as ours. I of course would still have the title of Queen of Kattegat just like he would be King of the shadow Islands but we both wouldn't hold the power of the other in their Kingdom. I still had the power to order people around or to punish someone but in the end my word was weaker than Ivars which I was completely ok with. I had an own Island to worry about.
As we were finished I really wasn't looking forward to me and Ivar being alone. As everyone was leaving the room I was going into the bedroom when I already heard his heavy steps behind me. The Dog runs before me into the bedroom already jumping on the bed. I try closing the door behind me but he quickly got in between holding the door open.
"Let me explain before you begin to yell." Ivar said as I walk to the bed ignoring him. I sit down beside the dog, scratching his ear when he adds:
"No objection?" He asks hesitantly raising a brow.
"Just talk before I will make myself a widow." I warn him cuddling the dog for some sort of emotional support.
"I told Harald you were pregnant to threaten him. He needs to see that all this is mine and not his. That he can't take Kattegat from me." he begins still standing in the middle of the room.
"And what exactly do you plan to do when he comes back and I'm not with child? Should we just steal one or fake miscarriage that never happened because I'm not pregnant?" I ask him hissing.
"We still have time to make one." Ivar suggests smug as always as I throw a pillow at him.
"You don't get it do you? I can't not as long as-" the words slip out of my mouth faster than I could stop them.
"As long as what?" Ivar asks narrowing his endless blue eyes.
"I took a contraceptive for all this time." I answer not daring to meet his glare. His face falls as he looks at me in blank shock.
"You did what?" he asks, something dangerous slipping from his lips.
"I didn't do anything. The herbs I presumed to calm my sleep were actually keeping my womb empty." I explain taking my hand away from the dog as I feel him stepping closer.
"So you still take them? Do you still wish to not carry my seed?" he asks his face flushed with anger. I've never seen this kind of rage flare up in his eyes and it scared me.
"I stopped the second I found out Ivar I would never do that to you." I assure him fidgeting with my fingers to calm me a little.
"To me? Don't you want a child yourself?" he asks as the mattress sinks beside me and I begin to feel his warmth beside me.
"I do but I'm not putting your whole existence on it!" I state feeling a little bold. I'm tired of catching all his rage without releasing mine.
"What does that supposed to mean?" he asks with a raised voice.
"That means that I feel pressured, no wonder it's not working! If only you would see my side of it." I huff out looking up into his angry eyes.
"Your side of it?" he asks offended.
"Not sure how much you know Ivar but I could die giving birth to a child. One small problem and you're alone with it. I'm scared ok?" I mutter feeling tears burn in my eyes.
He leans over hugging me closely to his body as the dog tries getting between us with its snout.
"I will stop nagging you about it ok? I just want a little you and me to give her all my love."
"Her?" I chuckle sniffling as I look up.
"Sons are nothing but trouble look at me and all my brothers. I would want a girl so I could spoil her." He dashes and I have to smile a little at the thought
"But aren't there any worries in your mind? I mean... your disability and my curse. If its a girl it could inherit both." I remember wishing no one the things we both had to go through.
"I know that Odin is on our side love. If he ever grants us a child I'm sure it will be beyond blessed." he assures me kissing the top of my head gently. We stay in silence for a bit till he asks.
"But who- who gave you these herbs then?"
"Triska did back on the Island. She told me they would calm my sleep. I really had no idea what they could do." I assure him looking up to my only comfort, him.
"That witch did that to you?" he asks stiffening.
"That's what I needed your advice on. I can't be sure about her intentions but I know that something is wrong.
I just don't know how to approach her."
"Don't approach her, kill her or I'll do it." he snarls looking mad as he loosens his embrace.
"I can't just kill her Ivar. She's important to me." I tell him.
"And you're important to me. What if she backstabs you and harms you even more?" He asks like we were talking about a complete stranger.
"She won't Ivar, please just trust me." I plead as I hear a knock on the door.
"Come in." I say which Ivar answers with a growl. He wasn't finished with the conversation and certainly not happy to be interrupted.
"Hella its me." Triska says as she looks through the door. Ivars venomous eyes glare over to her but I squeeze his thigh to stop him, sending him and the dog out with a kiss.
Triska comes to stand in front of the fire glaring at it instead of me which made me angry. She wanted to talk so why isn't she looking at me? Why is she pretending like she wasn't the one who came in here?
"I know about the herbs." I started glaring at the red head of curls that didn't turn around as she said: "I figured you do."
"Why would you give me a contraceptive that poisoned me?" I ask bitterly. There are so many emotions bottled up in me that I have to stop myself from completely snapping at her.
"The gods told me to do so." she explained with no sign of remorse in her voice.
"The gods? You can't blame the gods for your mistakes." I spit standing up.
"I'm not blaming them I'm very well aware of what I did. But I had no choice, my place in this was decided long ago." she whispered almost jolly as she briefly looked back at me.
"What have I done to deserve this? I thought you loved me!" I yell as my words burn in my throat.
"Oh you silly little girl. I did it because I love you. You have no Idea what you're cursing yourself with! You're wishing by Ragnarök by wanting a child!" my eyes widen at her mention of the end of the gods. Could her words hold any value? Could I give birth to the end of the world?
"I think I know what a child means." I hiss walking beside her as I cross my arms over my chest.
"No you don't! A child of you and Ivar will kill you! I don't care for pretty talking- it will suck you empty. It will tear everything apart and cause chaos like we've never seen it before." she spits looking at me with wide eyes.
My steps feel heavy and my heart pounds in my chest as I step right in front of her.
"So let it. You know I love you like a mother but consider yourself lucky that there won't be a punishment for what you did to me. Now if you'll excuse me I have a husband I have to calm." I answer as I hear Hvitserks yelling outside and Ivars silence. No matter how scary his screaming might be nothing is scarier than when he's silently mad.
It would probably take less than seconds before he would either lash out at his brother or come running at me.
Triska chuckles leaving the room and just as she was out the door Ivar comes in looking viscously.
I open my mouth to talk when his lips crash against mine almost making me fall to the floor.
"What happened?" I ask between kisses but he shushes me by walking me backwards till the backs of my knees hit the bed and I fall. I look at the angry Ivar who towers over me like a hungry wolf.
No talking, not now he mumbles as he basically rips his tunic and leather vest from his toned chest leaving me stunned and at loss for words.
...
"Are you now ready to speak?" I ask smirking up on him from my place on his chest. We had moved on the furs on the floor now laying in front of the fire.
"There's nothing to talk about, my brother feels small beside my presence. He's mad that I don't treat him as an equal." He shrugs it off as his fingertips dance on my side sending goosebumps over my body.
"Which you don't." I answer truthfully. he eyes me taken back a little but I ignore it.
"We can't be treated equally he's-" he begins but stops mid sentence.
"He's a son of Ragnar just like you are, he's your brother, your flesh." I remind him poking his chest.
"We're not the same."
"Of course you aren't but I'm sure your father wouldn't like you to speak like that." I remind him.
"Well he's not here, he's never been here. why does it matter?" He replies with a coldness in his voice I had often heard before.
"He's still here you know? he's will all his children. I feel his call for me." I mumble watching the fire and wondering what the old King might want now that all his business was finished here.
"Then why don't you speak to him?"
"I don't like what its making with me. I refuse to know more than I need to know. Power is making the sanest people crazy... don't you think that we shouldn't have it?" I ask looking up in his relaxed face.
"I think you're made for the gift... No one else should hold the power you hold." He assures me glaring into the dancing flames.
I close my eyes enjoying the silence and comfort of him beside me when he asks out of no where:
"if I asked you to be my weapon you would right?" Taken back by this sudden question I quickly nod.
"I would." I assure him leaning up to kiss him.
"What did Triska say after you asked her about the herbs?" he asks after our lips part again.
"I'm not sure you want to hear it." I whisper as fear creeps back into the back of my head. Could Triskas prophesy hold any truth? And what would Ivar do if he knew it all.
"Hella what did she say?" he asks in a warning tone. Whenever he called me like that I always knew he wasn't playing around.
"The gods told her I wouldn't survive our child. that it would break wars loose. She said that our child would be cursed. that's why she tried to protect me from one." I confess as I feel time stopping. his eyes meet mine as it takes him a few moments to realize what I just said. he jumps up moving away from me a little.
"Then why- when we were- why the fuck did you let me come in you just a few moments ago, if you knew this?!" he almost yells looking at me in disbelief.
"You need to listen to me Ivar." I begin in a quiet voice trying to calm him.
"Why would you let me do that? Are you completely insane?" He asks moving even further away from me, breaking my heart just more.
"Are you? DO you forget how many times I survived when everyone was sure I wouldn't? Do you forget the power I hold?" I ask getting defensive.
"You held that power Helena! You're weakened! Did you for one second think about that?" He asks belittling me with every hurtful word like a child.
"You're pretending like I signed my death wish! We can't even be sure if it does anything!" I try arguing with him as i pull the blanket closer to me feeling a little too exposed in this dence situation.
"And so you're risking everything?" He asks huffing out in disbelief.
"I thought you wanted this!" I cry back feeling tears dwelling in my eyes.
"I want you!" he sighs as he lets his head fall into his hands.
I stay where I sit frozen by his reaction. The word seems to stop as 8 watch his angry posture.
"You have me Ivar." I answer my voice as little as I never was in front of him. His head rises from his hands looking at me with wide eyes. he gestures me to come to him and as I hesitate I see his eyes darkening even more.
He lets his hand fall again looking down on himself. His eyes ditn even dare to flicker towards me.
"I'm just not ready to let you go. I can't accept that I might loose you to something as silly as a child." He whispers looking devastated.
"I could die every day on the simplest of things Ivar, wouldn't it be great if I died for something as great a child? I don't look forward to seeing my end for another useless war and I'm not made to grow old and see everyone I love pass on." I whisper as my decision had been made long before. I would bring this world a god like they'd never seen before.
"I have no answer for that." he shrugs crawling to his pants that lay on the floor. He puts them on and crawls to the door silently. As he is about to get out he says:
"Don't wait for me, I'll get the dog to watch you tonight." No sign of the warm man I married yesterday remained as he spoke breaking my heart even more.
"Ivar?" I ask as I feel my heart clench at his coldness. How could our newly wedded love sickness fade so quickly?
He turns around waiting for me to speak.
"I will go back home soon." I speak having enough of his coldness. He simply nods turning away and closing the door behind him, leaving me alone and hollow.
...
So I'm about with have a lot of time to concentrate on writing which means much more frequent updates. I am already working on the second book as well which is unbelievable and exciting. Next chapter coming tomorrow night:))