I don't know where I am. All I can see and feel is darkness. It's so heavy that it feels like my lungs will be crushed under all the weight. Like I'm drowning, and my lungs are full of water, causing me to sink deeper and deeper.
Suddenly a bright light appears to my right, and I get sucked into it.
When I open my eyes, I look down to find myself in my old black and yellow volleyball shoes, black socks that almost go all the way up to my spandex. I examine my shirt to find a gold number 16 on it.
Lifting my head, I'm met with a large volleyball net. It's dark, and I can't see further than three feet in front of me.
That bright light returns, this time shining from behind me. I turn around, being met with a short girl clenching onto her knee, a spotlight shining down on her.
My body freezes, heart racing out of control.
I approach the girl, placing my hand on her shoulder. But as I'm about to make contact, she disappears, and the room changes.
Now everything is a blinding white color. Turning around out of instinct, I see N/n. Her knee's bruised and bleeding, but her face is blank.
My breath gets sucked from my lungs, seeing her in such an awful state.
"It's all you're fault," She says through lifeless and baggy eyes.
A tear rolls down my cheek, hitting my arm. As it does, a cut appears, and the salty water turns into blood.
"You're the reason my life is miserable."
I try to choke out words, but there's no sound. My throat's dry, and it feels as though my chest is about to burst.
"I hate you."
I hate me too, N/n.
"I wish I never met you."
Then she disappears into thin air, and my surroundings change once more. I'm in a dark closet, a sharp, bloodstained shard of glass to my left.
I look up to see my reflection. My purple orbs are bloodshot, and open cuts trace almost every inch of my body, ranging from my wrists all the way down to my thighs. My face is pale, almost lifeless. Then my reflection opens its mouth.
"You deserve this."
I know.
"You should have never been born."
I know!
"You ruin everything."
Stop! I get it already! Just leave me alone!
"You should've died along with our parents that day."
Shut up!!!
I shoot up from my bed, panting and sweating like I just ran a marathon. When I do this, I hit my head extremely hard on the sealing.
"Ow!" I whisper harshly, rubbing my head with my hand.
It was only a dream.
I glance over to find Hanako sleeping like a baby, taking a sigh of relief. That would've been unpleasant to explain.
Flopping back down on my bed, I gaze up at the bland sealing. Why do I keep having these dreams? Maybe I deserve it. Because of me, she'll never be able to play volleyball again. So I'll never get a peaceful night's sleep again. Seems fair.
I roll over to my side, facing the wall.
Silent tears fall from my eyes as I remain restless for the entirety of the night. So much for a peaceful start to the weekend.
~~~~
"I'M A FAILURE!!" Ayame cries, sprawled out on the gray couch that faces the giant windows leading out to the garden.
They're just figuring this out now?
Haru stands in front of them, taking the papers from their hand. Hanako, Sato, Akira, and I sit on the other couch, watching as the green-haired boy's face goes pale as he examines Ayame's test scores.
"Holy shit, Ayame! Your grades are worse than mine, and I don't even score in the double digits on a 100 point scale!" He yells out, pure panic taking over.
I look at them with tired eyes, "How'd they even pass the entrance exam?" I ask no one in particular.
"That's a mystery to us all," Hanako answers from beside me.
Ayame's body goes limp, their arm resting over their head, "I don't think I can go on anymore. Tell my Auntie that I love her," They cry, pretending to pass out.
So dramatic.
Akira puts his hands in a praying position, "Please, dear Aya, for the good of the world, never wake up. Amen."
"YOU ASSHOLE!! AT LEAST ACT LIKE YOU'RE CONCERNED!!"
Why do they always have to be so loud?
"It seems as though my wish has not yet been granted. What a shame," Akira sniffles as Ayame attempts to choke him out.
"Oh yeah!? Well, you're not as pretty as you think you are!"
"EXCUSE ME!? TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW, YOU PIG!!"
"MAKE ME!!"
"I WOULD, BUT YOU COULDN'T HANDLE IT AFTER THE STATE I PUT YOU IN LAST NIGHT!"
"LAST I REMEMBER, IT WAS THE OTHER WAY AROUND!"
I sigh, glancing over at Hanako, "When do you think they'll stop?"
Hanako keeps her eyes glued to the two morans, "It's almost funny that you think they'll stop," She sighs.
Sato slowly scoots closer to us, trying not to get caught up in all of the chaos. I wouldn't want to be in his shoes right now.
Haru turns to me, face lighting up as if he's just made a huge realization, "Wait! Mi-chan, don't you have perfect grades!?! You can tutor us!" He blurts, causing everyone to go silent, turning their gazes to me.
Son of a bitch.
"Would you quit calling me that? And I'm not helping any of you," I state bluntly, but they chose to ignore me.
Ayame grabs the laptop that was sitting on the glass coffee table and shoves it in my face, "Show us," They order, intensity in their eyes.
"I don't have to show you jackshit," I say, pushing the computer away from me and back towards them.
Ayame sighs, "Fine. I guess I have no choice... If you help me study...I'll give you my last cup of ramen!"
Are they serious right now?
"I don't want your shitty ramen cup that's been sitting on the counter for two weeks," I state with disgust. I can see why they're failing.
A small tear falls from Ayame's eye, causing me to cringe, "Fine. Is it my body you want? I'll do anything! Please! I can't go home a failure."
I know Ayame jokes around a lot and makes a fool of themself, but I can't help feel like that last part was genuine.
"Ugh, that sounds like a nightmare," I say, hearing Akira snort, "But I guess I can help you," I give in, looking up to see Ayame's eyes light up in joy.
Before they can hug me, I stick my leg out, preventing them from touching me.
"AHH, THANK YOU, MI-MI-CHAN! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! YOU'RE THE GREATEST!"
I can't believe I agreed to this crap... Have I gotten soft?
~~~~
"I agreed to help Ayame and Haru, not all of you," I groan, looking at everyone in the dorm hall, sitting on the floor with their computers and textbooks resting on the coffee table. Haru, Sato, and Hanako sit on the floor in front of the couch that faces the TV while Akira and Ayame lean against the coach that looks to the windows.
"Haha, about that..." Sato chuckles nervously, rubbing the back of his neck.
"Truth is, we're all doing poorly in one subject or another," Hanako finishes his sentence.
I sigh, sitting with my back facing the window, placing my computer, textbooks, and notes on the table in front of me, "Fucking idiots," I mumble to myself.
"HEY, WE CAN HEAR YOU!" Ayame yells, getting defensive.
"I really don't care," I respond, "So what exactly do you need help on?" I ask, tugging at my sleeves.
"Everything," Ayame and Haru respond at the same time.
"Kill me," I mumble.
With that, I spent five hours attempting to teach them. Sato and Hanako were easy fixes. They just made a few mistakes in math and memorized their formulas wrong. On the other hand, Akria was just as bad off as Haru and Ayame. Their current test scores are atrocious, and they can't wrap their heads around simple concepts.
"Ayame, I swear to god, if you forget to change the negative sign one more fucking time, I'm going to slam your head against a brick wall," I growl, eyes filled with fury.
Everyone scoots away from the table, orbs filled with fear.
"Y-Yes ma'am," Ayame studders, "Could you at least try to be nicer?" They ask in a soft tone, eyes watery.
I shoot them an icy cold glare, watching as they jump, scooting back further, to the point where they hit their back on the couch.
"S-Sorry."
I let out a long, annoyed groan, holding out my hand to Ayame, "Let me see your notebook," I order, and they hand it to me.
I examine the pages they had been working on, trying to make sense of the chicken scratch. I write down and highlight things on a new page, explaining everything step by step and giving examples. Then I hand the notebook back.
Ayame looks through it, face lighting up, "I get it!" They exclaim excitedly.
Relief pours over me, "Really!?" I say in surprise and slight happiness.
"No."
I repeatedly bang my head on the table, wondering if offing myself would free me from this nightmare.
"Give me that," Akira says, looking through the notes I wrote down.
"Hey! Get your slimy hands off my book! Mi-Mi made those for me, not you."
I look up to see the tension leave Akira's shoulders, "Pfff, Aya. You really don't understand this?" Akira snickers, trying to prevent himself from erupting in laughter.
"DON'T ACT LIKE YOU UNDERSTOOD IT THIS WHOLE TIME!!"
Well, at least someone gets it.
As Ayame goes to grab the book, Haru snatches it, taking a good 30 seconds to look at the notes. Eventually, his face lights up, "Ohhh, so that's how you do it," He says in realization.
"So I'm the only one that doesn't get it!? I guess that means Mi-Mi is going to have to tutor me every day," Ayame says in an innocent voice, giving me puppy dog eyes.
"No way in hell. I don't hate myself that much," I state, quickly realizing that I might've slipped up.
I quickly feel Hanako's gaze burning into me. Yeah, that was not the right thing to say in front of your roommate that's majoring in psychology.
"Aww, you're so mean," Ayame pouts, almost reminding me of a certain shitty pretty boy that I used to know.
Ayame gets up before I can say anything, "It's dinner time. I'm heading to the cafeteria to grab some of that juicy chicken," They state, stomach growling.
"Yeah, good idea," Haru says, getting up as well.
"I guess I'll accompany you," Akria comments.
"And I guess I'll babysit all of you," Hanako speaks.
Soon enough, they're all gone. Leaving me and Sato alone together. I glance over to find him writing something in his notebook, a face of pure concentration. I've never seen him this focused before. He strikes me as too much of an airhead for something like this.
"Aren't you going to join the others?" I ask, closing my laptop and resting my head on my hand. I think this is the first time I've initiated a conversation with him.
He stops writing, meeting my gaze with a surprised expression, "Huh!? Where'd they go?" He asks, frantically looking around the room.
Idiot.
"They went to get dinner. What had you so focused?" I sigh, subconsciously scooting closer to him.
His chocolate-brown eyes light up, taking his notebook, sitting next to me on the floor, "I was writing down ideas for our English project," He says, putting the book on the table between us so I can see it.
He's got a whole list of ideas, such as the troubles of a long-distance relationship, toxic friendships, love between people that are supposed to be enemies, and much more. There are pages and pages of the stuff.
"Wow, you must really be into this," I comment, eyes wide.
He rubs the back of his neck, face turning a light shade of red, "Yeah, well, it's my dream to become a writer one day," He says softly, a small smile playing on his lips.
I look up from the notebook, meeting his gaze, "Do you know specifically what you want to write?" I ask, my body that's normally so tense, relaxing.
Sato's smile becomes even brighter, causing a familiar warmth to wash over me, "I'm not sure, but I know that I don't want to be tied down to just one thing. Story writing, poetry, journaling, I want to try it all!" He exclaims. I've never seen him this excited before.
"Well, whatever you decide, I'm sure you'll do great."
"Thank's Mia!" He chuckles happily, pulling at some part of my soul that I thought I lost a long time ago.
"Yeah, no problem." For some reason, I like seeing him smile. It almost makes me want to smile.
Weird.
~~~~
Once Sato left to eat with the others, I left for a walk around the garden that the dorms look out on.
I walk down the narrow cobblestone pathway, gazing at the explosion of bright colors. The cherry blossom trees remind me of the ones at the park me and N/n went to as kids, where we practiced volleyball until we practically dropped.
A harsh wind blows through the garden, causing some of the blossoms and other flower petals to fly off.
I continue walking, the trees acting as a dome, protecting me from the suns burning light. Looking at the reds, yellows, purples, whites, and greens fills me with a sense of comfort. Even though people walk past me every once in a while, I feel like I'm safe in my own little world.
As I walk over a small bridge that rests above a tiny man-made creek with flower petals covering the surface, I hear a voice call out to me.
"Yo, Mi! There you are! I was looking all over for you," The voice says.
I turn around, being met with a green-haired boy jogging up to me, "Oh, hey, Haru," I greet him, voice unenthusiastic as always.
"I got back to the dorms before the others, so I was confused when I didn't see you there. I've gotta say, you don't seem like the type of person that would enjoy smelling the roses," He states, catching up to me.
I continue to walk with him beside me, the both of us taking up the entire walkway, "I'm not. Just got bored," I explain, gazing at a group of pink tulips.
Haru hums in response, walking with his hands behind his head, almost hitting me with his elbow multiple times. "You could always eat with us, you know."
"I don't like eating in front of other people," I state clearly, changing my gaze to the daffodils.
"Huh, why not?" He asks, raising his eyebrow.
Because it makes me feel vulnerable.
"Drop it. It's not a big deal," I say, much more harshly than intended.
Haru sighs, looking forward, "Ugh, man, you're hard to read," He groans, dropping his arms and shoving his hands in the pockets of his gray sweatpants.
"And just what is that supposed to mean?" I question, now looking at him with an annoyed glare.
He meets my gaze, a completely new expression on his face. It's almost like he's a different person. "One minute you're calm, the next you're angry, and if you're not any of that, then you're not saying or doing anything at all: You're never happy, and it's almost annoying. I don't get it," He explains, frustration in his tone.
"And you're acting like a completely different person."
"I can be serious sometimes too, you know. And don't try to change the subject."
I guess he is a communications major for a reason.
"I don't know what you're trying to accomplish by telling me all this. So what, if I come off as brooding, that doesn't concern you," I grumble.
Haru returns my glare for a while until finally giving in, "You're right. I guess it isn't my place to say anything, especially since I don't know you that well. I'm sorry," He sighs, scratching the back of his neck.
I frown, looking out at the scenery, "Don't apologize. It's fine."
We walk in silence for a while longer, almost too long. The only sounds I can hear are insects and the wind rustling the plants around us.
Finally, Haru speaks up, "For what it's worth, I think you're a good person, Mia. And I really want to get to know you better. I think we all do," He says out of nowhere.
But I'm not a good person. I'm truly a terrible person. If you get too close, you'll hate what you see... Just like everyone else.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello everyone! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Thank you so much for reading, and I'll see you in the next one!