Seokjin.
Time has never moved so fast, yet so slow like this. It's like I am stuck in a loop, of fear, but redress at the same time. I am scared but somehow relieved and it's odd, and conflicting, and it's messing with my mental state.
I haven't felt this many emotions since Namjoon and I departed, and I am not sure how to even handle it now. This is different, this is much deeper, more people involved than myself and Namjoon. People's lives have been at risk, people have almost died, and for all what, for me? For the love that we shared?
What wrong have we really done to deserve this, was loving Namjoon so wrong that it cost us all this? We are here now after seven years, and all we've caused and gotten in turn is pain. We have lied and we have kept secrets - well I have. Grave secrets that I don't even know how I'll begin to tell. And all of it because of my mother and her greed. I still can't believe this is how it all played out, I can't believe Namjoon, and Taehyung have gone through that much. It's my fault really, I came into their lives, I came into Namjoon's life.
But then again Namjoon is one of best things that ever happened to me, he was my knight, my hopes and dreams. He was my love, the first real love I ever had. He cared and cherished me like nobody ever had, and I somehow can't find fault in that, I can't ever bring myself to regret that despite the pain it has caused us.
I have broken down twice these past two days. I have cried and sobbed for the lie that I've been living all through. It's been disbelief, and the incredulity nature of everything has just made it difficult.
The only thing that has kept me sane these past few days is my son. Jeonghan has been my rock, and he has somehow made sure that I have been grounded. For this weekend, despite everything that has ensued between me and Namjoon, Jeonghan and I have been bonding, playing games, watching movies, reading books, helping me with my sketches, cooking and baking, and just everything we could spend time on. And honestly, I don't think I've held him tighter, or kissed him so many times like I have these past few days.
The weight of all that has happened, and is yet to, hasn't allowed me to let him go, or out of my sight. I have feared with every fiber in me what -what is pending will do to not only him, but my relationship with him as well. He's my rock, he's my world, and I wouldn't let anyone take him from me, selfish perhaps, but when you have a child of your own, and all of your decisions, good or poor, affects them, all you think about is them, about their welfare, their wellbeing, it's all I am thinking about now...
Placing a loving kiss on his forehead, I untangle Jeonghan's hands from around my waist, careful to put a plushie between them before gently placing his head on his pillow. I must have worn him out with all the running earlier.
He looks calm and peaceful, a look I know too well, one I have engraved in my memory. Everyone says Jeonghan looks just like me, but one look at him and all I see is his father. He has his eyes, his dark but gentle irises, with his dark hair, and his amazing smile. It's a soft look, handsome, but also a constant reminder - haunting reminder of just who he is, and of what I have done.
Closing his bedroom door, I stalk down the hall, knowing well I can't keep my demons hidden any longer.
My own bedroom is deserted, clean, but empty of life. Nobody has slept in here since the other night after the elevator incident. I have kept myself next to Jeonghan, even when napping, and Jungkook has been.... he's been gone.
He left the other night after we got home and returned in the early hours of the morning, stating that he had gone to finish some work in the office, and that he had an impromptu - three day business trip in Busan.
I didn't question it, his impromptu meeting, or his actual wear bouts the previous night, knowing well he was mad at me. He didn't like it that I had not opened up fully about what transpired between me and Namjoon in that elevator, but I had my reasons why. I still didn't know Jungkook's exact role in all this, Namjoon had yet to elaborate everything, and until then, I can't possibly share with him my train of thought. He's my fiance, but I may possibly be living with a stranger, may have been for all these years.
It's not that I blindly believe Namjoon, but honestly what reason would he have to lie about this now, he could have done it back then if he had a motive, but what would he gain now. I do trust Jungkook, but I do also know he's been hiding things from me, things like where he really was the other night, and a couple of others that I am yet to ask him, and for that I think I'll give Namjoon the benefit of the doubt, I'll let Jungkook hang for now, just until I know what exactly Namjoon was referring to.
Luckily, the wait is over.
I look to the vanity where the bouquet of red roses are sitting. It had arrived earlier in the evening, a little note attached to it. I didn't need to read to know who it was from, I knew perfectly the unfinished business I had with him, and sooner or later, I knew he would seek me, reach out, or find a way get me to finish what we started.
"Garden hills, room 261, 7.30p.m" It had been that simple, with his name clearly signed at the bottom, and a hotel key room attached. The casual nature to it, and the obvious lack of attempt to hide it spoke a lot of things. He didn't care if anyone saw it or if they drew their own findings, as long as the message reached me, and I understood it.
It's open ended, and I could choose not to go, but I think it's time we put an end to everything that has surrounded me and Namjoon, he has things he needs to clarify to me, and I have things he needs to know. He should know.
Clutching tightly to the hotel room key, I debate internally whether I am actually ready to do this, it's all I have been thinking about on the drive here, and although I am scared and skeptical about how this might go, I know nothing can ever prepare me enough for what's about to happen, plus, I don't think I can keep it with much longer, it has killed me all this years, and now that I know his truth, I don't think I could bare the burden of keeping this.
It's dimly lit when I walk in, cool, and beautifully arranged. The decor and style is exemplary, guaranteed, given the high end nature of this hotel, but I can't bring myself to admire that, not when my very nightmare is present, and in view. My heart rate suddenly picks up at the sight of Namjoon, I am suddenly sweating, and I have half a mind to turn, and go back where I came from.
I've dreaded this since we parted the other day, since I left him hanging with questions, and just flat out went rigid, then hysterical. I've dreaded this through out the weekend, and the sight of him just standing there by the window doesn't exactly help. He looks...I don't know how he looks. Mad, curious, is he furious at me? I wouldn't blame him, he might have put everything together already.
"I half expected you not to come." He says, noting my presence, but remains still, with his back facing me. I debated whether to come too, but in the end I knew, I knew deeply that I couldn't resist it, I couldn't have stopped myself from coming.
I make to answer him, but he turns around and everything just dies at my throat. It's almost like that CEO image of him and the image of the Namjoon that I have crafted in my mind all these years holds no water. It all crumbles now, and all I see Namjoon, all I see is the man I once loved, the man who loved me, and would have never left me, especially in that hoodie, and those ripped jeans. It's just him from back then.
"I also half, expected Jeon, to walk through that door." He laughs lightly, and the sound vibrates through the quiet space, his face coming into view as he walks closer. I don't move back, stubborn perhaps, but nonetheless still nervous as to what to come. He stops right in front of me, just mere inches away, and I find myself holding my breath, blinking back to meet his gaze.
"Jungkook is on official business, but good to know your thinking about him." He manages a small smile at my sarcasm, but his face quickly falls the next second, and he clearly disregards any further comments concerning that, or Jungkook to be specific. His hand hesitantly comes up, brushing off the persistent strands of hair off my face, to the back of my ear, and I barely hold myself back from releasing a silent breath. My skin tingles as his finger tips brush gently on my face and I resist the desperate urge to close my eyes or lean into his touch. I can't help myself, can't help feeling like this the old Namjoon, his old hands, old touch.
"You look tense, Jin." He notes as I keep his gaze, dropping back his hand and stepping back. I watch his posture as he fiddles with the wine bottle on the table, and I know he isn't any better, he is nervous as well, stalling, and maybe avoiding the obvious elephant in the room. When I decided to come I knew of what I had left pending from my end, but there are things that I do need to hear from him as well, explanations of things that I still so desperately need.
"Would you like a drink?"
"Why didn't you look for me?" I ask back, not at all interested on what he is offering. I have had the whole weekend to my thoughts and despite the secrets that I have dreaded to tell from my end, the only thing that I couldn't get off my mind was why he let me go. Why he had to wait seven years, until it all came to this...
"Miss Soojin, surely relented at some point. Why didn't you come after me, look for me, or find a way to tell me. Why did you remain silent until now?" I keep my voice firm, my eyes the same as he turns to meet me once more. He pursues his lips, glancing at mine for a second before meeting my eyes once more.
"You know, Taehyung asked me the same thing the other day, and the reason that I could think of, that I told him, was that I wanted to be something in your eyes. I wanted to be a man, financially, someone who could be there for you, and most importantly, someone who wouldn't be easily traded for money, unfairly, without a choice." I promised myself that I would be strong for this round, but I can already feel my walls coming down at the sadness in his voice.
"I didn't care about money, or status." I argue anyway, and he doesn't object, nodding along. "I know. The truth is, everything that has held me back, regardless if what it has been, has attributed to fear. In the end I have been scared of coming back into your life only to hurt you. I have wanted to, desperately, but I have feared, so badly."
"What changed now?" I ask, and he tilts his head to the side, a sigh escaping his lips. "I don't know. Meeting you perhaps. I thought I was getting over it, better with each day, but the first sight of you in that building and it all just came back, everything I have held back, and I couldn't hold it in any longer." He explains and I know exactly what he means, I know what it was like to meet him for the first time after all this while, the rush, the pain and all of it together, it was just unbearable.
The regret is present in his face though, the pain as he says it, and it's evident he doesn't like it, that was what he chose either. If he told me, it could have changed a lot, our lives would be a lot different, but that's impossible, we are here and we can't change the past.
I have had tonnes of questions brewing since we last time we met, and this has been the most burning and now that he puts it like that, I understand, I know what it's like to keep it to yourself. A sigh leaves my lips as I think about it, about everything that has happened this far between us, every detail that might have kept us apart.
"For every question you have, there is an answer." He assures, almost like he can read my worried thoughts, feet stepping closer to me once more. "I'll give you an answer for each question you may have for me...and I trust that you'll do the same for every one that I have as well." There is this look in his eyes as he adds the second part, and it makes me shiver, makes me tremble with what I know he is talking about.
My heart picks up again, and the sheer thought of what is to come makes my eyes water. "This weekend has been one of the longest I have ever had in my life, and that's saying something." He smiles a little, a frown forming on his face after when he notices the tears that are lingering in my sockets.
There is a gentleness in his eyes that oddly only reminds me of what kind of a selfish monster I am, and the thought makes me let go, letting free my tears. I've hated crying in front of people, but I can't look away at the same time, not when he gently cradles my face in his hold, wiping away the streaks with his thumb. "I couldn't stop myself Jin, couldn't stop myself from thinking of what it was that weighed that heavily on you, and it was almost impossible not to come to the conclusion that I did." His face is incredibly close to mine, and I close my eyes temporarily, breathing in his scent. I want to ask what conclusion he came to, but a glance into his eyes, his equally glassy eyes and I can tell from his pained expression alone, that he knows...he knows.
"Tell me I am crazy."
"......"
"Tell me I am making this up, that it's all in my mind."
"....."
"Tell me it can't be -" he whispers the last part, voice breaking and hands tightening on my face. He looks at me expectantly and I know he can tell the answer written in my eyes, he can deduce from my face alone, the emotions written on there, but somehow, he wants me to say it, he wants me to speak it out loud. I don't know if I can, I don't know if my voice can allow me.
"Tell me I am reading it all wrong." The pain in his eyes is begging, and the irony of it just hurts. The denial because of the pain, yet the longing because of what he already knows. God what have I done?
"I am s-sorry. I am so sorry." I sob in his hold and I can feel his fingers trembling on me, shaking like mine. "Jin." He calls breathlessly and I shudder, finally letting a sob escape. Why won't he let me go, why must he want to pull it out of me, why do I have to say it out loud.
"Your his f -father, your his parent too, Je -jeonghan is your son." I admit it, sobbing pathetically as his eyes widen in surprise, then narrow with confusion, disgust at me perhaps. My ears ring, and my legs almost give out as he steps away from me, my body already missing his warmth, his scent.
His chest heaves out heavily as he takes another step away, like I'll burn him, like I am monster. "Joon-ah." I mutter, desperate to follow after him, to touch him, give him an explanation. "Why, why would do that? Why would you keep him from me for all this time?"
"Joon-ah -"
"Seven years Jin. That's six years of his life. Why would you keep him by yourself for six years." He cuts off, asking incredulously. I realise how it sounds, how selfish and monstrous it looks, but if he could only hear me out. I probably don't deserve it, his time, after everything I have done to him, but all I ask is a chance to explain.
"Is that how much you hated me. Enough to keep our child from me for all these years?" He cries, a hand going through his hair, expression turning sour, pained and oh, so much pain...
"You didn't think I deserved to know, he is my blood as well, he's my son too, and you just kept him for yourself?"
"You sent me away, you didn't want an- anything to do with me, you did- didn't give me a choice." I hiccup out, vision blurry with tears. But clear enough for me to see him clenching his jaw, face contorting as he breaks out a sob as well. He slaps a hand across his own face, turning around to face away from me.
"You didn't give me a choice Namjoon, you left me, and I -"
"You could have still told me Jin. If you wanted to tell me, you could have told me. If you really wanted me to know you would have let me know."
"That's not false, but what if you didn't want him, what if you sent him away like you did me?"
"You know I couldn't have...I would have never sent you away, or him. He was ours...my son." He whispers the last part, unbelieving, walking to the other side of the room to hold himself up on a wall. I wanted to tell him, so badly, but I feared. A small part of me -other than the part with the better judgement - feared he would turn us away. He had already done it once, and I was still hurting from that. I couldn't think straight, couldn't bare the thought of him shunning the life inside if me as well. I couldn't let him...
It goes quiet, and the defense that I made earlier slowly creeps out of the window. He is right, I kept our child from him for seven years, for six years of his life. Selfishly, and all because fear, the same fear he was talking about. I can't make it better, and I can't take away the pain he is feeling, or replace everything that he has lost all these years, but I hope, silently, I hope he finds it in his heart to one day understand...
He suddenly turns around, his feral but vulnerable gaze locking into mine. I know he would never hurt me, but there is suddenly this anger in his eyes as he looks at me, this out of control look as he stares, hands visibly clenching into fists.
"Does Jeon know about this?" He grits out, and looking at him, I have a pretty good idea why he is asking. He is going to be angry either way, but he should at least know I didn't have it in me to keep it from two people. It wasn't even possible.
"Does he know Jeonghan is our son?" He grits out again, this time a little too loudly, and I nod along, taken back by the anger radiating from him. He pursues his lips once more, clicking his tongue before the wine bottle on the table violently finds its way to the wall, the glass cracking loudly and the red liquid sipping everywhere.
I flinch but it's not the worst as his actual outburst comes only seconds after. He's crying and shaking, and it's tough to make out everything he is saying, but it's clear it's paining him, burning as it leaves him.
"And what? Y'all just thought you'd keep him from me, for yourselves like I wasn't present on this earth? Like he wasn't mine, like I was some monster he didn't need to know?" He shouts finally, and the emotions in his voice and the pain his eyes, combined with everything going through me just makes my feet buckle. I kneel to the ground, unable to stop the tears.
"That's not true." I defend, barely able to hold my head up. I admit I didn't tell him, but it wasn't for that reason. Jungkook and I wasn't keeping Jeonghan like a pawn, we weren't using him and we didn't do it because Namjoon was a bad person. Jungkook doesn't even have anything to do with this. This was all my decision.
"If that's not true, were you ever going to tell me? If I didn't come back into your life would I have known." He asks calmly, genuine.
Would I have told him? If he never showed and told me his part would I have told him Jeonghan was ours? Truth is that I don't know, I've kept this for so long, and when it was a burden, I felt like -or rather I liked to think I was protecting my son, just in case Namjoon had it in him to send him away. I felt gravely wronged, and and it in turn made me feel like I didn't owe Namjoon anything. But even that, over time that has shifted to a lot of things, and eventually it has turned into dread for this very moment, for him finding out what I actually did.
I don't know.
It's what I want to say, but it won't leave my mouth, I can't admit to him or to myself that I would have continued to keep our son a secret. The mere action of me being quiet just shows how much of a monster I actually am, and I hear Namjoon heave out a defeated sigh, all that earlier fight leaving his body.
I glance to his eyes, ones I know now loath me tremendously, and guilt washes over me at the sight of him so beaten down. I can't say anything to comfort him, no words that would come from me would be pleasing enough to hear.
"How would you feel if I kept him from you?" There is no threat or warning in his tone, but I still shiver at the thought. Above everything else, I have dreaded this the most, the possible retaliation, this logic, and although there is no vengeance in his tone or his gaze, my hands still find themselves together, clasped in a pleading manner.
"Don't take him from me, I am begging you." I cry. The question as to whether he could actually take him from me if he really wanted to, is a whole story, but there are so many ways he could rob me of my son other than the legal, physical way, and I dread that the most. He just stares at me for a second, narrowing his eyes, this pitiful look crossing his eyes for a second before he looks away, turns to his heals and leaves the room without another word.
Just like that, he's gone. He hates me, and he's gone, gone without another word about Jeonghan. What if he takes him from me, what if he takes Jeonghan from me? I can stand the thought hate of them hating me, but I can't have them leave me, both of them. Not again.
My chest heaves one more time with new emotions, and I hold tightly to myself as I realise the possible consequences of what I've done. I curl into a ball and just cry myself afresh.