𝐃𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐨
"Draco, what takes you so long!" the knocking on my door and the shouts, leaving my best friends mouth, make me want to let myself fall back into my bed.
"God, shut up Blaise! I'm coming."
I put on my Slytherin tie and I take a glance in the mirror, touching the blue circles under my eyes. I have to admit, that I look dreadful. The lack of sleep and the lot of work, I have to do every day, don't have the best effect on me.
I splash cold water in my face once more to wake myself up and I leave my bathroom to put on my shoes.
"Blaise I swear to god if you keep doing that I will cut your hand off!" I shout in annoyance when I hear the knocks on my door appear again.
The rings on my desk soon can be found on my fingers and when I'm all dressed, I stroll to the other side of my room, opening the door to take in the sight of the tall boy who is waiting for me.
"Finally! What were you doing in there?"
"What kind of question is that? I was just getting ready, but your annoying ass makes it difficult to actually pay attention to the act of dressing myself." my answer causes him to chuckle and the both of us are on the way to the common room.
"The others already left, because they were starving, but I wanted to make sure that you are up and that you get something to eat." he says while looking at me and I just roll my eyes at him.
"Well, thanks. But next time you can just go with the others."
"Oh shut up man and appreciate that I care for you." I try to suppress the smile that wants to appear on my lips, but I can't manage it completely.
It's weird, hearing someone telling you that you actually mean something to them. I usually don't believe it when someone says it to me, but it is different with Blaise.
He is my best mate since first year and I honestly give a shit about his words. We are at the point, where we tell the other the truth, no matter how stupid it might sound to others. At least Blaise follows the rule, we've set up a few years ago.
I'm not lying to him about daily stuff; I tell him the exact words I'm thinking and he doesn't care about how harsh or rude they are, because he knows that's just who I am. I'm just lying to him about the part, that makes my life not worth living at the moment.
There are days where I want to talk to him about everything. I know he wouldn't judge me for what I have to do, because he would probably do the same. But I just can't tell him. I don't want him to see me as the boy who does everything wrong. Of course there is the possibility that he already thinks that of me, but I don't want to risk it anyway.
I hate it. I hate the fact that I have no one to talk to, even though there are people who would listen. I hate that I have to do all this shit just because my father is a prat. This task is harder than I've imagined and it feels like I haven't even started properly. No progress so far and I don't want to think about the punishment I might receive if I fail.
"You good?" Blaise asks, looking at my arm.
I haven't noticed that I started to scratch the burning spot on my forearm. I'm lucky that I've put a concealing charm on my mark this morning, making it impossible to see the skull engraved in my skin.
"What? Yeah I'm fine. Just got bitten by a fly." I lie in his face, but he seems satisfied with my answer.
We leave the dungeons to make our way to the Great Hall. The corridors are quiet, because everyone is already sitting with their friends in the large dining area.
Some Ravenclaws and Gryffindors are staring in our direction when they see us standing in the doorway. It makes me feel a bit uncomfortable to be eyed by all these people, but I persuade myself to not pay attention and I halfway pretend that I don't care.
"We thought you two would never come." I hear Pansy say while Blaise and I sit down on the bench, causing the others to slide a bit to their left and right.
I'm astonished that I actually feel hungry right now, so I put a fried egg, a sausage and two slices of toast on my plate.
My best friend is watching me and I see the slight smile on his face which probably means that he is pleased to see me eating breakfast. I don't know if I want to wipe the smile off his face or if I should let him be.
I send him a frown to indicate my confusion and I dedicate myself once again to my plate when Blaise starts eating his cereals too.
After ten more minutes of shoving food in my mouth and eavesdropping on the others conversations, the first few owls start to fly into the Great Hall.
The morning post caused me an unpleasant feeling these last few days. I've been waiting for mothers response to my letter, but nothing happened yet.
I search for my black owl between all the other feathery animals and to my utter surprise, my owl is flying in my direction, a letter bound to its feet.
The bird is landing in the middle of my plate and my food is now ruined and unenjoyable.
I untie the message from its small legs and the owl spreads its wings to fly away again.
There is no labelling on the backside of the envelope, but I'm sure it's mothers response. It has to be.
I get up and leave the Slytherin table, not saying a word to my friends.
My own footsteps carry me out of the Great Hall and I soon find myself standing in an empty corridor where I can't be interrupted.
The shaky hands of mine open the letter I received five minutes ago and my eyes scan the paper.
Dear Draco,
I apologise for not sending this message to you sooner, but the situation at home is not like it used to be, as you surely know. You don't need to worry about me though. I don't have news about you father yet, but you are the first person to know if success can be spotted in the near future. I was really pleased to hear that you took a look in the book I gave you. Yes, the poems are written by me and it is important to read them in the chronological order to understand everything. Please try to divide the book in three sections, so you can read the first text at the beginning, the second poem in the middle of the year and the last one before your task must be performed. I'm afraid I can't tell you more about the book in general yet, but I'm sure you have an idea about the meaning behind it. I really hope that you are doing okay and I beg you to take care of yourself. I miss you dearly and time will show when I can see you again. I love you, Mother
I search for hints mother could have hidden between the lines, but nothing. I'm disappointed that they didn't make progress about fathers outbreak of Azkaban, but I don't even know if I ever want to see him again. He brought so much pain into our family and even though mother is devastated without him, I think she knows how bad he is for her.
It makes sense that I should read the book page after page and not in disorder, but I hoped to learn more about the meaning behind all of this. She didn't tell me why she wrote the poems, but I think I can put the pieces in my head together.
My relationship to mother hasn't been the best lately and I was rude to her. I'm aware that my behaviour is not good, but I just don't know how to handle things without being angry. She tried to talk to me, she tried to break through the cold mask that is covering my warmness, but I didn't let her. I rejected her and it hurts a bit to think about how she must be feeling.
She wants to connect with me in any possible way and I'm almost sure that the poems and the book is her way to reach me. Maybe she wants to show me that I'm not alone and that she is here for me. Or maybe it is just my subconsciousness playing tricks on me. Maybe I want to persuade myself to believe that the meaning behind all of this is something special, something deep.
I know that mother loves me, I really do, but I just can't accept the fact of being loved, when I myself am not capable of it.
The cold stone wall is supporting my body from collapsing. It is confusing, because I have no idea why I suddenly feel dizzy, but I presume it's the stress or my overthinking.
The first few students start to leave the dining area and I stride away before anyone can see me.
I am not going to my dorm to catch my school equipment as I should. Instead, I hurry up the stairs to the seventh floor.
Not many people come here, but I'm still nervous when I think about the fact that someone could be watching me.
I constantly look over my shoulder to check that I'm alone and when I can't hear any noises, I walk past the wall two times. I come to a halt in front of the blank wall and I close my eyes, thinking about the room I need to appear right now.
It doesn't take as long now as it did a few weeks ago and when I open my eyes, I see the large door. I don't waste any time and I hurry inside without being seen.
My usual working space comes in sight and I let myself fall into the armchair, starting my daily routine.
Reading used to be a fun and relaxing part of my life, but it turned out to be torture instead. I could think of hundreds of things I would rather do right now, but I don't have a choice.
The words I scan with my eyes are to no use and I want to tear the whole book apart.
No matter how hard I search for the right book, for the right spell to repair the stupid cabinet, I get nothing.
I know it has just been twenty days since I'm actively working on the task, but I've expected at least one little success. Only one little thing to assure me that I'm going in the right direction. The thought of getting killed by the Dark lord for failing his request causes my throat to tighten. I take hold of my green tie and I hastily remove it from around my neck.
The suffocating feeling turns into pure rage.
I feel the need to hurt myself or to break something, in order to make this feeling go away. There is nothing in my reach that could help me with it, so I walk away.
All the old, unused stuff which is stored in the Room of Requirements suddenly arouses my interest and I look for something that could help me.
I don't need to search for long, because the brooms I see in front of me seem to fit perfectly.
I take hold of the old Comet 260 and I hit the broomstick against my knee, breaking it in two pieces. The glass cupboard which is positioned behind me turns out to be very tempting and I turn around to break it with the stick in my hand.
The sudden power consumes me and I can't stop slamming the piece of furniture with the broken broom.
The cupboard is breaking apart and the glass panes are now divided into a million pieces. I'm not satisfied with myself yet so I throw the stick against the table on my left. My fists are colliding with the glass splinters, lying on what is left of the cupboard and I repeatedly slam them against the hard surface, being at a loss of control.
"Fuck!" I shout, punching once more on the sharp broken glass and then I sink to the floor.
I can't steady my breathing for what feels like eternity and I feel like my lungs are collapsing. The sudden rush of pain takes me off guard and the sight of my bloody knuckles shocks me for a short period of time.
This happens way too often lately. I have no control of the anger, rising inside me and I have no other way to cope with the outburst.
I slowly drift back to reality, breathing at a normal pace.
I feel lost, angry, sad and a thousand other emotions and I don't know what to do with myself. I wish someone would be here with me, but at the same time I don't want to be touched or comforted. Not now at least. Maybe I'll find my way to Astoria later and let her take care of all the stress I've been dealing with. Her cute, little mouth does a good job at that.
As if it couldn't get any worse, the mark on my left arm starts to sting like hell, letting a gasp escape my mouth.
It doesn't hurt as bad as it did two weeks ago, but it still doesn't feel comfortable at all.
No matter how hard I scratch to make it stop, the pain won't go away. The Dark lord probably is angry, but not at me. Yet.
I've lost control over myself. I want it back, I want it back so badly, but I have no idea where to start. I wish that the pressure could be lifted off my shoulders.
I want the pain to stop. I want this task to be over.
I'm growing way to sentimental right now and I hate it. I hate being vulnerable, showing feelings.
In a moment like this I'm glad that my aunt trained me in the holidays before this school year. She taught me how to clear my mind of every feeling that doesn't belong there.
I shut my eyes for a few seconds and when I open them again, I'm back.
The old me, the emotionless, empty and numb Draco I grew to be is back.
Occlumency has been my life saver so many times and I never want to miss it again. It helps me to focus on the really important things in my life without being interrupted by emotions.
I leave small blood traces on the floor when my knuckles support me to get to my feet again. I walk back to my armchair, sit down and I start reading in a book I got from the restricted section of the library to find helpful information.
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"Watch out!" the soft, but at the same time harsh voice of a girl rings in my ears when the two of us collide together.
"Sorry princess." I say with an ironic tone, causing her to roll her eyes.
"Shut up and clean your hand next time before you decide to run against me." Adhara responds before she continues to walk away.
"Next time, huh?"
I like to mock people who hate me. It's a bit too funny to see their annoyed and angry faces when I talk to them.
The air around me still smells like her and the saliva in my mouth suddenly disappears. I look after the girl whose scent blesses my nose and before I hit myself for even thinking about her, I enter the common room.
"Look who is here. Maybe think about letting your best friend know where you are next time."
"Yeah whatever." I answer, giving Blaise a pat on his shoulder.
I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone right now, so I leave the common room and head towards my dorm.
In front of my door lies another food package Blaise usually puts there when I don't show up for dinner. I pick the wrapped food up, carry it into my room and position it on my desk to free my hands.
I will eat it later, but now I feel obligated to shower, wanting to wash the dried blood off my hands.
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thoughts?
I hope you liked this chapter. If you have suggestions for improvement, please let me know :)