Immense amount of paperwork flooded my desk. I was drowning beneath it. I hated the load Erwin gave me and despised the fact it was already late at night.
Of course, that usually never bothers me as I never truly gained sleep but, I was exhausted tonight. I was tired to the point where I actually would risk my sanity to the bundle of nightmares inside of me. It wasn't like me to be in such a way but, I've been putting my mind and body to work excruciatingly hard these past couple days.
I had nothing else to do besides work and in great honesty, it was taxing. I used to not just focus on work, I had something else to look forward to on nights like this. Emma sprang into my thoughts, startling me slightly.
I release a tired sigh, placing down my pen. That damn brat was truly annoying as hell. And stupid.
Defending Edward and doing everything in her power to prove him innocent. I was confident in my theory he was a suspect. That little dark gleam in his eyes were clear enough.
But, stubborn as always Emma won't listen. It had me pondering if her and him had a close bond. One where they shared feelings for each other.
I grit my teeth feeling a low growl vibrate in my throat. The mere idea was disgusting and every fiber in me resented it. How dare she likes one of my squad members?
How dare Edward find a liking towards his high-ranking officer? It was wrong, all of it. If the public were to find out, what sort of example would Emma set?
Hell, our whole regiment would be looked down upon even more just by their stupidity. I keep telling myself it was wise that I broke things off wth Emma. I don't need to deal with her shit and I mostly certainly don't have to deal with Edward's constant need to show dominance.
I was pissed off at her for saying such rude things to my face but, I was also pissed off that her emotions were getting the better of her. It made working with her on this case all the more difficult. However, even if these thoughts filled my mind, images of Emma clouded my thoughts.
Her delicate, soft lips and how they tasted sweet when I kissed her. The way her eyes were hooded and full of lust each night when we were close. God, even her damn body fogged my mind.
I enjoyed the way she laid submissively under me as I pleased her. Her little whimpers and the way she shouted my name was fucking music to my ears. Even if it was just for that one night, the memory was all too clear.
I could feel myself twitch, I wanted to do it again. I wanted to feel myself in her again and I wanted to hear her moan because of me. I even wanted her to take control, see her on top of me.
God, I was losing it. I licked my lips in desire while my pants became tighter. I wanted her but couldn't.
I ended it and for a good reason too. I hated her, she disgusts me with the way her heart is set on another man. Although, I knew I shouldn't care but that same haunting thought trickled into my mind.
When I was pleasing her, was she thinking about Edward? My sudden arousal quickly disappears as if I were never in such a state. Anger boils in my veins and my jaw was set tightly together.
"That damn brat," I growl. "Fucking full of shitty crap and nonsense."
I wasn't about to crawl back to her because of my damn desires. No, if she were to tell me to fuck myself then that was enough set that wall between us once more. I didn't want to break it down again.
It was better if we just stayed away from each other. Better for me anyway.
Glancing towards my empty cup I make a tsk sound with my tongue. Seems I need to refill on some tea. Grabbing the cup I exit the office.
I strode pass Emma's office, I don't spare it a glance. I knew she was still here. After all, I'm sure she was swamped in paperwork like me.
Rolling my eyes, I rid myself of thoughts of her. She can go fuck Edward for all I care. It wouldn't bother me.
Making it down the hall, there was a scream. A blood-curdling one that made my feet come to a stop. My ears were perked, it was coming from behind.
Glancing over my shoulder I hear it again. There was only Emma and I on this floor right now. Something stirred inside me, it was like someone's cold touch froze my heart.
I didn't think, I didn't have the time. My body had moved on its own, dropping the cup before racing back to her office. Her screams were deafening.
It was like she was in pain where her only defense was to scream till her throat hurt. I grab the knob jerking it roughly. It was locked and I curse loudly.
"Emma?" I shout as I begin the pound the door. "Emma! Open the door!"
I don't think she heard me. She only screamed louder making me even more nervous. Cold sweat prickles the back of my neck.
Was she hurt? Did someone enter her office? What the hell was going on there.
"Leave me alone!" I hear her yell desperately. "LEAVE ME ALONE!"
I couldn't describe what I felt in that moment. Anger, fear, desperation all swirled into one. It bubbled inside me, threatening to overflow.
I had to get to her. Whoever was in there, would pay. I pound the door harder, my adrenaline rushing faster than those times when I fight for my life outside the walls.
I yell for her with my heart pounding with each hit I make against the door. Seconds felt like hours and I suddenly couldn't stand trying to get her or someone to open it. I take a step back and roughly kick the door.
It flies open and I rush into the office. Emma was still screaming, she was hunched on her chair with her head between her hands. My attention doesn't stay upon her as I scan about the room for any sense of danger.
The window was locked shut and there were signs of breaking-in-entry. So, why the hell was she screaming? Looking back at her I see how vulnerable she seemed.
Her body shaking as if she were to crumble any moment. Her cheeks wet from the tears running down them. Her eyes squint shut like a child who was trying to shut themselves out from the world.
Truly, the sight was horrifying and quite a surprise. I didn't know what's gotten into her. Still, panic veils my thoughts, her anguish was too much for me.
"Hey, brat! What's with you?" I rush to her while she still cried and screamed. She wouldn't stop, it's like she didn't hear me.
I frown in worry as I attempt to pull her hands away from her head. Her eyes were still closed as she resisted me. She shook her head violently, her screams turning into ugly sobs.
Whatever was bothering I needed it to go away. My face was becoming pale and my heart couldn't stop thundering in my ears. I hate it when she's like this. So vulnerable and weak. It doesn't suit her.
"Damn it, Emma! Stop your stupid tantrum!"
Finally able to pull her hands away from her, I kneel beside her and turn her chair, facing me.
"Let go!" She shouts frantically.
"Emma, what's with you?" I demand. She struggles under my grip but I don't let go.
Her eyes finally open, the sight brings my breathing to a stop. Tear-stained as they were that anxiousness blooming inside seemed to glow. Her beautiful, hazelnut eyes screamed for help.
They were like a beggar's eyes, wishing to gain something that will comfort them. She was walking on tightrope between sanity and insanity. I could already see her mind losing it.
"I—the screams!" She wails. "I need to stop the screaming!"
"Wha–what screams?" I breathe, bewildered. I knew for sure I only heard own but, when she holds in a breath there was only silence. There was no screaming.
"Don't you hear them?" She breathes with terror in her eyes. "They won't stop! They won't leave me alone!"
Emma shakes her head violently her cries becoming louder. I could only watch. I had no idea what to do and when I thought nothing came to mind.
But the sight was truly painful. God, I never realized she was going through whatever this was. Stubborn, smart-ass, genius, idiot is what I always known her as.
Not once have I truly witnessed this other side of her. It brought a dull ache throughout my body.
"I don't know what else to do!" Emma sobs. I could see her shoulders shaking. "Chris—he won't leave me alone! None of them will!"
"Chris?" I repeat. Was she talking about Chris Downfall? But he was dead though, killed in action during that—
I finally understood. She was thinking about her mission and those who'd died that day. Those screams she claimed to hear, was from them two years ago.
I knew she had a wretched nightmare, one that felt all too real. And I knew what those were like. They were like a walk through hell. My frown deepens for her. She shouldn't suffer though it alone.
"Emma, I don't hear the screams," I murmur gently.
"But they're loud!" Emma cries helplessly. "Don't you hear them!? Don't you see the blood soaking my hands?!"
"I don't see the blood or hear the screams." I reply gently as I could. "It's just you and me here, baby-girl. And my hands are the only ones around yours. No blood."
I squeeze her soft hands, hoping to bring her back to reality. With soft eyes, I watch her lower lip quiver and her eyes widening in guilt. I can only imagine the mental battle she's dealing with.
I knew the battle she fought inside and the loneliness she felt as well as the heavy guilt laying upon her shoulders. I still fought mine.
"Come here." I slowly brought her down to the floor with me. Emma still cried but I could only see her silent tears.
I lean against the desk while placing her between my legs. She knelt before me, her head hung low as if she was ashamed.
"Don't think," I whisper.
I run a hand through her hair hoping it calm her. I wasn't sure if I was doing this right. "Baby-girl, look at me."
I wasn't sure where the nickname suddenly came from but, it rolled off my tongue so easily. It was like I was mean to call Emma that. Hesitantly, her eyes meet mine.
A stinging sensation radiates throughout my chest. I wipe away a tear before caressing her cheek.
"They will go away. All those screams, it'll stop."
"How do you know, huh? How do you know they'll go away?" She pounds a weak fist upon my chest, gripping the ends of my jacket. She looks at me with a glossy gaze while her chin trembles tremendously. "You don't know a thing! You don't know hell like I do and how the people's lives you took will haunt you forever! You don't know a damn thing!"
I could only stare unresponsively. Sympathy filled my eyes while my heart began to share her fears. She was wrong, I do know.
I know the gut-ridding feeling of seeing those you led to battle die. I know what it's like to see your closest comrades get eaten. I relive those memories almost every night so I knew how she felt.
But, when I wished to tell her my throat clamps up. A huge lump forms with a sudden anxious feeling running through my veins. It was like my body was telling me to keep it all to myself. I swallow thickly, if that's how it's going to be, so be it.
"They will go away," I murmur, talking around the tightness. "Because I'm here. I'll make it go away."
She eyes me for a long moment. I wasn't sure if she believed my words or would call bullshit. Her face slowly contorts into helplessness but there was something glimmering in her eyes.
"You can't leave!" She suddenly shouts as she hits my chest. "You can't leave me because—because if you do I'll—I'll. . ." Her sobs interrupted her once more.
Her body shook and her grip around my jacket weakens. She drops her head allowing her cries to speak for themselves.
"I can't–take this anymore."
Immediately, I wrap her in a protective embrace. I hold tight against my body hoping she could feel how sincere I was. I listen to her cries while feeling her shake.
I try to whisper comforting words to her but settled for simply holding her. After awhile, that seemed like a better cure. Emma had stopped her shaking, her cries slowly became silent.
The grip she had on my jacket had loosened. It wasn't long till I realized she tuckered herself out. Still, I kept my arms around her.
Not once did I loosen my grip or even pull away. I continued to hold her protectively while wishing she didn't have go to though this. I share her pain but wish I didn't.
Seeing how her guilt was eating her away her sanity brought a tugging sensation through my heart. If I only knew of this long ago, I probably would've done something. As quickly as that thought enters my mind I wanted to laugh.
I knew I was deceiving myself, there was no way in hell I would've done something in the past. I would've walked away without sparing another glance. But now, I wasn't sure what was different.
As I hold her in my arms it was now becoming all too clear to me. I wish it was me who carried her guilt. If it meant seeing her as her herself again then I would do it.
I would do it a million times over. And that troubled me.
/\/\/\/\
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