The room was dark as I changed, the only light there was the one of the mini bar that Harry was scanning as if something was going to magically appear, small talk with him was awkward, so awkward that we just stopped talking, silence was reigning in the room and it wasn't the old comfortable silence we used to love, I just sat there not really knowing what to do or say to him.
"Come here," he pulled me by the waist and wrapped me in a hug, "I need to feel you close,"
"You have no idea of how much I missed you," I whispered, just feeling him close to me made me feel happy, I had never missed someone that much, "Why are things weird between us? I've fantasized about this moment since you left, this is not how things happened in my head,"
"I just don't know how to approach this, I'm nervous," he gave me a weak smile, "I just want everything to be perfect, I don't want to mess up and lose you again," he rested his forehead against mine.
"I feel like you want to say something, since we got here, but you are just avoiding it," I reached for his hand and interlocked his fingers with mine, "Talk to me, we're not who we used to be, Harry, we both grew while we were apart, talking about our feelings and what we mean is more than okay," he hugged me once again and nodded slowly against my shoulder.
"I told my therapist we came back and he wants me to talk to you about a lot of things," he pulled away from the hug and gave me a weak smile, "He said we won't work out if we don't discuss these things,"
"What things?" I sat on the edge of the bed, he was tense so it worried me a little, maybe he was having second thoughts about us getting back together, that would explain all the awkwardness we had just experienced for half an hour that actually felt like forever.
"Just how I was feeling when I decided to end this, and well, just talk about how we're going to handle distance," he sat on the floor leaning his back on the bed, I slid off the bed and sat next to him.
"Tell me," I reached for his hand and he nodded taking a deep breath.
"I did think I could end up cheating," he talked slowly keeping his head down, "That was something that actually scared me, like getting drunk and end up screwing us up... seeing you having a break down in fear that I would... made me confirm all the thoughts that had been haunting me for a while, and even though I was trying to prevent you from getting hurt, the fact that your were doubting hurt me,"
"I never even had the doubt, I just reflected my parents' relationship on us, in my mind a significant other touring ends up with infidelity, I was wrong, I knew you better," It was something I discovered when I was in Malibu, that's why I was scared, my stupid childhood trauma coming to the surface, "I didn't know why I felt that way, but it makes sense now,"
"You're the only person that's ever been able to make me believe there's much more in me than a guy who makes out with different girls every chance he has," he kept his head down, I just wished he trusted me enough to tell me how he felt looking at me in the eye, "That insecurity of yours broke that feeling you gave me, I felt like you were just like everyone else, and I didn't know that at the time either, but my therapist helped me,"
"I'm really sorry, baby, I didn't-" he cut me off with a kiss, those interruptions again, I missed those like crazy.
"I don't need you to apologize, you didn't do anything wrong, but I needed you to know why I acted that way, we both let our individual trauma and insecurities take over, you knew I wouldn't cheat on you, I knew that too, and I also knew you weren't like everyone else, I just tricked myself into believing that," he said all that looking at me in the eye, he had that sincere look that made me fall in love with him in the first place.
"I don't ever want something like that to happen again," I laid my head on his shoulder and he put his on top of mine.
"I think we need to tell each other how we feel, always, this was my fault, love, I was sinking and I never said a word, it started with that reporter I punched... but I just avoided the fact that I was breaking down," he spoke softly, there was no pain in his voice anymore, he did focus on getting better when we were apart and that made me deeply proud, "Doesn't matter how messed up we think our feelings are, we should always share them with the other, deal?" I nodded and sighed.
"I'm scared, Harry," I confessed and he put his hand on my chin making me look at him, "Now that I know what it's like to lose you... to lose us, it scares the hell out of me, I don't want to hurt like that ever again,"
"I can't promise you we will be together forever, but I can promise that I want to be with you forever," he grabbed my face between his hands and kissed my forehead, "I will always fight for us, because I don't want to hurt like that either,"
"Unconditionally, completely, forever yours," I pecked his lips and hugged him, I can't tell what happened but now that we were together again, kissing wasn't an act of passion, we shared soft kisses but the hugs that day were healing, warm, protective, intimate...
We sat there in silence holding on to each other and just staring at the wall in front of us, "These are going to be the longest 2 months of my life," he whispered breaking the silence.
"We'll both be busy, and I don't care what happens I will call you everyday, even if it's just to fall asleep on the line, we got this," for once I was optimist that we could do this.
"I'd like that," he stood up in a swift movement and opened the closet, I waited in the same spot until I saw what he was looking for, he came back holding his guitar, "I need you to sing lover for me,"
"Only if you join me," he helped me get on my feet and we sat in the middle of the bed across from each other, I loved the fact that he had the chords memorized.
He played a slower version of the song, I liked it, I think it would have worked as an acoustic song too, I sang through the first verse and chorus as he looked at me, and then he changed the lyrics to the next verse, I loved what he did, those lyrics meant so much to me coming from him and after all we had been through in the last months...
"We could light a bunch of candles and dance around the kitchen, baby," he sang softly as he strummed, I felt like those lyrics didn't just come up to him, he probably had them on his mind for a while, maybe since I wrote him the song, or when I released it... "Pictures of when we were young would hang on the wall, we would sit on the stoop and I'll sing love songs to you when we're eighty," he looked at me in the eye with the most sincere small smile, "See, I finally got you now, honey, I won't let you fall,"
I joined in harmony for the chorus and it felt just like the first time we sang together, the connection and chemistry between us was even stronger than the time we recorded the acoustic version of falling for you, all the feelings we shared the first time were still there, but this time they were mixed with all the adventures we lived together from that moment on, the bad memories and heartbreak washed away from my body as our voices mixed.
"Look in my eyes, they will tell you the truth," those lyrics came perfect because I was actually staring at my hands, I looked up and he kept singing looking at me in the eye, I got a glimpse into his kind, deep and loving soul, "The girl in my story has always been you, I'd go down with the Titanic, it's true, for you, lover."
"We are idiots," I laughed as soon as he was done playing, he looked at me in confusion, "We've been lonely trying to heal when all I needed was to look at you in the eye, I'm healed,"
"I think it helped both of us to understand we're more than perfect for each other," he put the guitar to the side and pulled me closer to him, "And in a few months, we'll be free, no more faking it,"
"No more faking it," he put the guitar away and pulled me closer to him, "I missed your cuddles,"
"I've been dreaming about doing this again for weeks," he kissed the back of my head, "I'll never let you go now,"
"Me neither," I turned around to face him and just enjoyed being in his arms, I inhaled deeply to get his scent in, that familiar scent that brought back a thousand memories.
Harry and I spent the entire night talking, cuddling, kissing and make up sex... it made me understand why some people were obsessed with it, it was definitely the best sex I've ever had in my life, it was filled with love, but our usual soft sex became completely different, it had a sense of anger, grudge, sadness and passion... those are bad feelings, but using them for sex makes it a completely different experience.
"That was..." Harry sighed after our second round of the night.
"I know," I giggled against his chest, "We should break up more often and then make up like this,"
"I'm pretty sure that's not how it works," he laughed placing a strand of hair behind my ear, "I didn't even know I missed sex,"
"Me neither," I looked at the clock on the bedside table and looked at the time, "I have to get ready,"
"Please don't leave, let me change your ticket, you can come with us to Brasil," he pulled me closer to him, "Don't leave me,"
"This was the agreement I made with Mark," I looked at him, trying to take in all his facial features to help me get through the next two months, "I really need to put that wig on,"
"But we still have time, like half an hour, please get back in here," he opened the sheets for me, "Please,"
"I don't even know if I'll be able to put the wig on," I said as I started to braid my hair, I just saw Anna do it, that doesn't mean I'm an expert.
"Is putting a wig on really that hard? Will it seriously take you 30 minutes?" I nodded and he just pouted like a little kid.
"It's hard to keep a secret, babe," I secured the braids with some bobby pins and started with the hardest part.
Once I had the wig on, I fixed my makeup and changed into the same clothes I used the day before, "What about the contacts?" Harry asked me from the bed, he never moved from his spot, he just looked at me as I transformed into a whole different person.
"I'll just wear sunglasses, I'm terrified to put them on by myself," I confessed laughing, "I hope Maddie brought sun glasses cause my eyes totally give me away,"
"You can use mine," He reached for his usual RayBan shades from the bedside table, "You can just wear them when you miss me,"
"I would love to keep Harry Styles' shades as a reminder of our wild night together," I acted like a crazy fan, "My friends will never believe me otherwise,"
"I also want a souvenir from our secret randevouz," he smirked and I knew exactly what I had to do, I reached under my shirt, took off my bra and threw it to him.
"So you remember how wild Maria was last night," he laughed and crawled to me.
"I love you," he kissed my jaw.
"I adore you," just when I was done, I got a call from Paul which meant it was my time to leave, "I have to go,"
"Don't go," he whispered, "My life is not the same without you,"
"2 months, baby, we can do this," I kissed his forehead leaving a burgundy lipstick stain.
"Call me when you land?" He asked softly.
"I definitely will," I pecked his lips once more and walked out of the room wearing his favorite shades.
Paul and Maddie were waiting for me, all our bags and stuff where already on the way to the airport, we were supposed to get a cab so fans could realize we were the girls who spent a night with the boys.
"So this is what being a groupie feels like?" I asked Paul laughing once we were in the elevator.
"Groupies don't get their bags sent to the airport and they pay for their own cab," he mocked me, "Did you enjoy your time with Harry?"
"Yes, I missed him a lot," I smiled, the doors opened in the lobby and we could hear the screaming fans outside.
There was a cab waiting for us at the door so we just walked out, jumped in the car and left between the crazy fans that were banging on the windows. I seriously thought they were going to break the windows.
_________________________
Did you catch any references? There we plenty to more than one song.
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