Jade Lows
17
"no one can save you now"
I don't wanna be here.
never liked school
never will.
I'm only here because my foster dad is forcing me to come & cps is on my ass. I just want to leave this stupid place & disappear not caring who I leave behind.
I feel trapped
I don't have a choice every thing I do is based off of what he tells me do. I'm like his puppet & he's the puppet master just ordering me around and degrading me to uplift his pride.
" you'll never be nothing in life without me"
" if you ever leave I will find you and kill you myself"
"Your mother is dead because of you"
"This is why you don't have a family now"
He told me this morning
It's all my fault.
Mabey.
they say good things happen to good people
Mabey I'm just a bad person
Mabey I deserve everything that comes to me
Mabey I am an ungrateful bitch.
Mabey there's no Mabey?
But then I remember
I didn't tell my mom to do drugs
I didn't tell her to become an addict
I didn't tell her to become a prostitute & get pregnant with me
I didn't tell her to overdose
I didn't want her to leave me
I didn't want her to go.
But she still left.
Left me alone.
To face this world alone.
Causing me to be placed in the system
With a man who mentally & physically abuses me everyday.
I use to cry for help every night
But one one listened
no one came to saved me.
No one cares.
How cruel.
"Thanks for the help..I know I can act kinda slow sometimes"
" no not at all your smart for real & a quick learner" he said
"You don't have to lie"
"On scouts honor"
I chuckled
" I'll take it as a compliment"
" yes us scouts are honest men" he joked
"I can tell"
"See you at lunch? Jade?" he questioned
"Yes see you"
We parted ways headed to our next class.
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today was windy I should've brought an extra jacket
I sat outside for lunch since inside was to crowded. & lucky for me I'm Clasterphobic
I took a spoon full of my apple sauce looking at the sky. I always admired the sky how peaceful it was & how it was always the perfect shade on blue in the mornings, the prettiest orange hue at dawn, the darkest navy blue with the stars moon to compliment it. sometimes I wish I were a bird so I can see it up close & really take it in for its Beauty. That's the only thing I will always appreciate.
" pretty isn't it?" I heard a voice behind me making me jump
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you" he sat down across from me slowly
I like how's he's so gentle around me it reminds me that not all men are bad.
" It's okay " I looked down at the table
" you know in college my aunt use to own a butterfly farm "
" that's so random....tell me more"
" you see after my mom died my aunt kept having these weird dreams about butterflies so she told my uncle & he bought her a bunch of butterflies" he continued
" that's so nice of him he must really love her"
" he does " he took a sip of his gatorade
" my mom use to tell me that love is more beautiful than anything on this world combined & that it was like a drug....once you get a taste you can't let go but I don't know how she knows this since she was never in love" I did a nervous laugh
I'd rather her be love crazy than a crack head.
" i don't know the way she spoke about it she probably was in love before she had you I mean you wouldn't be here without love right?"
now that I think about it I don't know anything about my dad.....was she really in love or was I just a mistake?
thinking about this made me frown
" I couldn't say...I don't know anything about my dad"
" Ask your mom...I'm sure she has plenty of stories to tell you"
" she died "
" I'm sorry to hear that...."
I looked at his face you could see the hurt in his eyes. I mean he also lost his mom
" yeah me to...I mean I'm s-sorry to hear about your mom to I meant to tell you earli-"
" Aye don't worry abt it...it's not a really good conversation starter " he waved his hands in defense
" yeah "
" what happened to the butterflies...does she still have them?" I was trying to brighten the mood
" she let them go"
" released?"
"yup"
" why?"
" she told me that they were to Beautiful to keep holding on to...she felt selfish keep them all to herself...so she let them go so they can be free to share it's Beauty with the world"
" if I was her I would keep them to remind me of how pretty god's creations are Yk that the world isn't so bad"
" that's what I was saying " he looked up at the sky " but then I thought about it....butterflies were never meant to be captured just admired from a far...and if you do capture it....you have to let it go...or else you'll be bringing it down with you. And if I was a butterfly.....I would want to be free."
" i agree " I looked up at the sky as well
We talked for the rest of lunch & for once I genuinely enjoyed someone else's company
Sincere I haven't know you for long but I feel like I know you enough to say
you are the light
that's slowly shining down on my darkness.
and I'm scared that one day I would shallow your light turing everything about you into dark
& bring you down with me.
I don't want that.
I want you to shine bright & share your light with
everyone.....everyone but me.
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Ugh I love them already🥰 How yall feelin?
TBC