tw: gun violence
i don't pay attention to the world ending.
it has ended for me many times and began again in the morning.
~ nayyirah waheed
Jade and Alex had had arguments before. Every couple bickers now and again. Who forgot to put the milk away again, who takes too long in the shower; little things that you argue about for five minutes and don't mean anything in the long run.
There are those kinds of disagreements and then there are the full-blown fights that involve screaming and slamming doors. Those tend to be a little more serious.
Jade and Alex were experiencing their very first fight. One of the real arguments.
It had sort of started on the car ride home. Alex was quiet, not saying much of anything and giving one-word answers if possible when she asked questions. She figured he just had a bad day.
But when they got to her apartment and he had slammed the bathroom door a little harder than necessary and blatantly ignored her when she talked did she think his attitude was more directed at her than it was just the result of a bad day.
"Did you really think I wouldn't find out?" Alex asked, tilting his head at her when she asked what's wrong.
"Find what out?" She asked after a pause.
"That you paid for Aaron's surgery," he leaned forward over the island that was separating them.
Jade's hands had been gripped around the edge of the island, leaning into her hip and putting all her weight on her right side. She pressed her lips together when he said it, her eyes moving from him to the marble beneath her.
"I was just trying to help. How did you even find out?" she shook her head.
"Does it matter? I told you you didn't need to do that," he pushed, trying to keep his voice steady as the edge of his hand hit against the countertop.
"There wasn't enough money in the pro bono budget. All I did was make a donation," she tried to justify her actions, her shoulder shrugging.
"I don't need your charity, Jade," Alex argued.
She rolled her eyes. "It wasn't charity, Alex."
"Then what was it?"
"What do you think it was?" She raised her voice slightly. "Your brother needed surgery, were we just gonna let him walk out without getting it just because he couldn't afford it?"
"I would've figured it out," he insisted, matching her volume.
"How?" she asked simply.
"I don't know!" He shouted.
She raised her eyebrows in a quick motion, crossing her arms across her chest.
"You'll never get it," he spoke bitterly, shaking his head and turning away from her.
She had a sense of what he was talking about but decided to bait him anyway. "What won't I get?"
"What it's like to be poor," he emphasized. "What it's like to steal food to survive and work your ass off to get out of your shitty town," he vented.
She blinked a few times, leaning against the counter with her arms still crossed and she chose not to take this any further.
"What I did was not out of pity, Alex," she tried to explain. "I know I'll never know what it's like to have nothing but I wasn't trying to flaunt if that's what you think. I was simply trying to help. If you're mad because I didn't tell you, then fine, I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry for doing it."
He looked at her, his jaw clenched and he looked like he was about to say something but instead just turned away.
"Where are you going?" She asked, rolling her eyes to herself as she trailed behind him in time to see him shoving his coat on.
Her question was met with the slam of her front door and then silence.
✧
The 4 F's are said to be the four known trauma responses. The four basic defensive structures that develop on instinct.
Fight, flight, freeze, and fawn.
Jade has had all four reactions in her lifetime. Mostly fawn when she was little. When her brother was home or when her dad got a little too angry and she thought she'd be the next one pushed down the stairs.
Jade was experiencing flight at the moment.
That day wasn't the first time she'd heard a gunshot. Her dad had a range built in their backyard that he and Austin would use all the time, so she had heard gunshots before.
But when they were unexpected and piercing through the chest of a security guard she had chatted with just that morning they somehow sounded different.
So when the sound of the shot and the screams of nurses had filled the air she didn't hesitate to book it to the nearest supply closet.
Her hands shook as she locked the door, one of her hands still gripping the handle as she slid down and out of sight from the window.
Her mind reeled and she could physically feel her heart beating in her chest, the constant loud beat and still distant shouts distracting her as she tried to think clearly.
The first thing that crossed her mind as a coherent thought was her fight with Alex not even 24 hours prior and she frantically wondered where he was and the sickening thought of if he was alive or not crossed her mind.
A fleeting picture of bloodied light blue scrubs entered her mind and she screwed her eyes shut, her grip on the door handle above her head tightening as she tilted her head back on the door, a small thud echoing when she did.
She was pulled out of her thoughts when the floor suddenly seemed to die down. An eery quiet followed, the only sound she could hear was that of her own shallow breath before someone else's interrupted her from the other side of the door.
Jade could hear the groans of pain through the door, the cries muffled through the wood door but still close enough for her to hear.
Her legs shook slightly as she stood, peering through the small window and out into the hallway. It was still, no visible sign of anyone left on the floor except for the shot security guard in her line of vision.
She couldn't see all of him from her angle, just his head and shoulders. But she could see the quickly growing pool of blood that spread out around him.
In a split-second decision, she looked as far as she could left and right before unlocking the door and stepping out.
She could feel the hammering of her heart against her chest and she knows it's never beat this fast in her life as adrenaline rushed through her veins and she quickly crept over to the wounded man.
He seemed startled by her presence, weak arms coming out in self-defense as she leaned down to get his attention and assess his wound.
Her eyes quickly scanned his name tag before meeting his eyes. "Jack, it's Dr. Taylors," she whispered, holding up her ID and whipping her head around to look behind her like her voice may have triggered something. "I just want to help you."
Despite those words, Jade felt utterly helpless at that moment. She had no idea what was going on, who had a gun or why, if there was more than one gunman. She had no proper supplies around her and she knew they couldn't stay wide open out in the hall.
Her mind was on overdrive as she looked around before moving towards his head, her knees bent as she was still low to the ground. "I'm sorry, I have to move you," she whispered, ignoring the pool of blood that was ruining her shoes.
Jack groaned out a response that she couldn't comprehend, her own thoughts much louder than any external noise as she fisted the fabric of his shirt on both shoulders and began to pull. Luckily for them both, Jack was a lean guy, making it easier than expected for Jade to pull and the closet she'd hidden out in was only steps away.
She ignored the unfortunate fact that the large amount of blood actually made it easier to slide him across the floor as whimpers of effort escaped her mouth.
Jade was sweating from nerves and exertion by the time she made it all the way into the storage closet, scrambling back to the front to close and lock the door. Despite the window being relatively small she still felt exposed with the hall light filtering in and she wished she had something to cover it.
Flight had turned into fight as she immediately got to work, distracting herself from thoughts of Alex and Mark by helping Jack.
She had hurriedly pulled off her lab coat, unclipping her ID before pressing it into Jack's bullet wound before looking around the closet.
It was of course sorely lacking in the supplies she needed, gauze and forceps were the best she could find.
"Please," Jack pleaded, his face scrunched in pain and sweat on his brow as Jade pressed harder onto the open wound. "Please, stop."
"I know," she tried to sympathize. "I'm sorry," was all she could say because she didn't have the proper knowledge nor supplies to save this man's life and all she was doing was causing him more pain.
She suddenly felt immensely guilty for not logging more trauma hours.
"Ok," she breathed out, easing up on the pressure a little as the bleeding slowed down. "Jack, I have to roll you over. I have to see if there's an exit wound."
"No," he shook his head, his eyes still scrunched closed. "There is, it went all the way through," he tried to assure but Jade could tell from his tone he was only saying that to get out of it.
The wound was quite low and to the left of his abdomen and she was fairly sure it hadn't pierced any major organs but she wouldn't know if it was still lodged in there until she could check.
"I'm sorry," she said again as she once again used all her strength to lift him to his side.
His cries of pain were loud and her heart rate spiked if that was possible at the prospect of someone hearing.
She quickly looked and felt around, slight relief flooding her when she felt an exit wound, grabbing gauze to cover it up.
He quieted down slightly once he was on his back again but his breathing was labored, a whimper of pain breaking through every now and again.
"You married, Jack?" Jade asked in an attempt to distract him as she reached into the bucket for more gauze only to come up empty-handed.
A breathy 'yes' came out as he lifted his left hand to reveal the simple gold band before it quickly fell back to his side.
Jade's heart squeezed and thoughts of Alex that never fully went away resurfaced and she maneuvered her head to wipe her sweaty temple on her scrub sleeve.
"What's their name?" She asked and hoped he was in too much pain to notice the shakiness in her voice.
"El- Elena," he struggled to get out.
Jade was running out of time, she knew he needed blood and she wasn't going to find any in the supply closet.
She closed her eyes, her hands still pressed to the gauze and her knees aching from the awkward position she was sat in as she mentally mapped out the quickest route to the blood bank.
If she could get there and back in under five minutes she knew there was a chance of Jack living. Living to retire and spend the rest of his days with Elena on the beach or in the mountains or wherever, Jade didn't care as long as he was living.
"Ok," Jade whispered in fake confidence, mentally psyching herself up as she gently lifted her hands from the gauze. The bleeding had mostly subsided but she knew he'd be losing consciousness soon.
Jade re-clipped her ID to her scrubs before taking one of Jack's hands. "I have to leave for just five minutes," she explained in the loudest whisper she could manage before placing his hand where hers was atop the gauze. "You need to hold these so you don't bleed out. Press as hard as you can."
"Y-you can't," he had started, struggling to speak. "He's out there," he tried to reason, his voice raspy.
"It's okay. I'll be really quick and you need blood. Remember press as hard as you can, okay?"
Jack seemed too tired to fight past that and kept his hand where Jade had instructed before placing his head back down on the floor.
She stood on legs that were still shaking and hoped it would subside as she stepped over his legs and reached for the doorknob when something stopped her. A few messy, smeared bloody footprints outside the door.
She glanced down, slightly lifting the bottom of her foot to see her shoes coated in blood and only becoming wetter with some of the blood that now covered the storage room floor from when Jade first dragged him in.
"Shit," she muttered to herself.
If she kept her shoes on she'd be making a bloody trail documenting her every move. If she took them off it would make it a lot harder to run if need be.
"What?" Jack asked, lifting his head slightly again before a cough made him rest it again.
"Nothing," she shook her head, awkwardly lifting and bending her leg as she pulled one shoe off, then the other. She didn't have time for contemplation.
She tossed the shoes to the back of the closet behind Jack before unlocking the door.
"I'll be right back," she assured before slipping out and closing the door behind her.
She wished she could do more to keep anyone from finding him, but right now the most she could do for him was get blood.
Jade felt like she was in a ghost town as she hurried along the halls, her head looking in every direction as the pit in her stomach grew.
She made it to the blood bank, and just as she opened the door someone on the other side was getting ready to leave.
Both girls shrieked at the suddenness and sight of another person before quickly clamping hands over their own mouths as Jade hurriedly closed the door behind her.
"What are you doing?" Lexie asked in a frantic whisper, her doe eyes wide and glassy.
"What are you doing?" Jade hissed back and Lexie pointed to the cart that was parked next to the door and held up the three blood bags she was holding.
That was smart. Jade thought and she considered stacking her own cart but knew she had stairs to get back down and no time to find one.
"Are you hurt?" Lexie asked quickly once her eyes had raked down Jade's body and spotted the bloodstains on her scrub pants. Then her expression turned to one of confusion. "And where are your shoes?" She asked as Jade whizzed past her to the O-.
"I'm fine. My shoes were covered in blood," she explained, quickly swiping her card. "I'm trying to help a security guard."
Despite her rush of adrenaline and time crunch seeing Lexie had actually calmed her down just a bit. Seeing someone not covered in blood and fighting for their life, and someone she cared about no less, was a comfort.
"What's all that stuff for?" Jade asked as she grabbed what she needed.
"Um. It's, um," Lexie stammered as she looked between the cart and Jade looked up at her, creasing her brows. "Well, Mark is-"
"Mark was shot?" Jade asked, her voice cracking at the end and her task abandoned.
"No," Lexie quickly shook her head, her eyes going wide. "No, no, Mark is fine. We're helping a- a nurse," she stuttered at the end but Jade didn't notice that time, her eyes shut in relief and she wasn't completely listening.
"God, dude, don't scare me like that," she sighed out, shaking her head as she turned back to close the cabinet door. "This whole thing is insane."
With two blood bags in her hands and an IV, she turned and made her way back over towards Lexie, who stood there with her own blood bags still in her hand.
Her usually wide eyes seemed even wider somehow as she stared at Jade, her lips parted like she was about to say something, reveal a secret Jade didn't know.
"Are you okay?" Jade asked but as soon as the words left her mouth she knew it was a stupid question. Neither of them were okay, they were carrying blood bags and gathering supplies to secretly help gunshot victims like they were on a battlefield and not in a well-stocked hospital with trained personnel.
Lexie started to stammer out an answer, a look of contemplation taking over her face before quickly turning away from the redhead and grabbing her cart again.
"C'mon, we should go," Jade said, no longer waiting for an answer.
"Yeah," Lexie agreed breathily as she nodded her head.
Jade went in front of her, opening the door and peering out into the hallway before standing to the side and letting Lexie and her cart out.
"Be careful," Jade whispered and Lexie turned her head to look at her, a strange sort of nervous look on her face that Jade couldn't read too deep into, before nodding and slowly making her way down the hall.
Jade turned and went the opposite way, her socked feet quickly carrying her down the stairs and through the familiar hallways again.
She successfully made it back to her wing, sidestepping the blood and sneaking into the storage closet again.
Only for her stomach to drop when she did.
She was immediately on her knees, staining her scrub pants more bright crimson. The pool of blood had grown two times since she was gone, more blood than tile floor visible in the small storage closet, and it was obvious Jack didn't listen to Jade's instructions.
The hand that was supposed to be holding gauze against his wound lay limp at his side and his upper body was turned at a slightly awkward angle, like he had tried to move onto his side which clearly caused the gauze underneath him to move as well, resulting in his bloody death.
Frustrated and scared tears pricked at the back of Jade's eyes for this man she barely knew.
It seemed rolling over was his intention when after checking his pulse Jade pieced together what exactly he was trying to do.
A wallet sat in the pile of blood, a small tent over the red pool like it had been carelessly dropped and something poked out of the top pocket.
Jade lifted it with trembling hands, trying her best to wipe the blood off the leather with her scrub top.
Jack had been reaching for the picture when he bled out, wanting to see the smiling face one last time before his eyes closed forever.
The picture was worn around the edges and the color was faded. One slightly bent corner had been dipped in blood and Jade desperately tried to clean it but it left a stain. Elena smiled brightly in the picture, her eyes shining and her platinum blonde hair glistening underneath the sun and she held a smiling baby boy in her arms.
Jack hadn't mentioned a son but then again Jade didn't ask. She flipped the picture over and ran her thumb over the loopy handwriting.
Elena and Jasper 1991
The happy boy in the picture must've been around 20 now, maybe getting ready to graduate college. He was young, too young to lose a father.
Jade couldn't do anything at that point. Jack was dead, the blood she'd risked her life to go get was useless to her now. She couldn't leave the closet again, the risk of being shot was too great. She was stuck.
She moved towards the door, not even bothering to try and avoid the blood, there was too much of it to avoid. She pressed her back against the solid wood of the door and hugged her legs to her chest, the picture still in her hand was held securely between her palm and shin.
She swallowed dryly, closed her eyes, and leaned her head back because the only thing she could do now was wait.
✧
The ambulance ride to Seattle Pres was bumpy and fast. Jade's knee bouncing as she sat in the back along with a medic and a patient from the hospital, a nurse she'd never met before.
She couldn't tell you how long she sat on the floor of the closet before deciding to move, the overwhelming smell of blood and the sight of a dead body suddenly becoming too much for her.
She had found out from a friendly-looking police officer that Alex had been shot and taken to Seattle Pres for emergency surgery.
That was all she knew. She couldn't get to the lounge where her phone was to inquire after anyone else. She had no idea if Lexie had made it back with her supplies unscathed or if Mark was alive either. If Derek and Meredith and Cristina were still breathing.
The shakiness still hadn't gone away as she stepped off the back of the ambulance, explaining to what felt like the hundredth person that the blood covering her scrubs was not hers.
She half jogged half walked through the halls of Seattle Pres and although she only worked there for a short time she found her way to the ICU quickly.
She spotted Teddy Altman at a nurse's station with a chart opened in front of her and Mark stood next to her, serious looks on both their faces. Lexie was there too, she sat on the floor with her back to the counter and her head leaned back and eyes closed and Jade could feel her exhaustion.
Jade had pieced together that the "nurse" Lexie and Mark had been working on was actually Alex during the ambulance ride here and the strange way Lexie had been acting at the blood bank hadn't just been out of nerves.
Anger had taken over her at first but she quickly realized that Lexie was smart not to say anything. Jade knowing wouldn't have made it any easier to save his life, it was better she stayed clueless.
"How is he?"Jade asked breathlessly as she came to a stop in front of them.
Teddy opened her mouth but closed it before nodding at Jade and simply answering, "Stable."
Jade could hear the beginnings of her name on Lexie's tongue from below her but Jade was already moving into Alex's room. She really wasn't mad she just didn't have the time right now.
She pulled a chair from the side of the room over and sat slowly. Her posture was stiff, like she wasn't sure what to do yet.
He was intubated and motionless and she slipped her right hand into his, their palms touching and she squeezed.
Only then did she relax, her shoulders slumping as she placed her forehead against her other hand, and for the first time that day did she cry. Ugly, fat tears that she wouldn't have been able to stop if she tried.
She felt a firm hand on her shoulder and she could tell it was Mark but she didn't look up.
"Thank you," she sobbed out and he squeezed her shoulder in reassurance.
He stayed for a little while after she calmed down, but she could tell he was tired. Physically and mentally drained from the chaotic day and she insisted he go home and that she'd be fine.
By the time Alex woke up Jade had taken a shower in the locker rooms, finally able to wash the blood off, and was changed into a pair of the hospital's red scrubs.
He fought the intubation and Jade quickly and carefully removed it. She knew she should've gotten a nurse but didn't want to leave.
"Damnit," was the first thing he said after coughing and she felt annoying tears prick her eyes again.
She was just so glad to hear his voice even if it was scratchy and coarse.
"How do you feel?" She asked, fingers raking gently through his short hair in an attempt to make him even the slightest bit more comfortable.
"Like I've been shot," he answered and she shook her head despite the small smile on her face. "Are you okay?" He asked, hand coming up to find hers that rested against the bed rail.
She slipped her hand back into his and creased her eyebrows at the fact that he was the one who was shot yet was still asking about her. "Yes, I'm fine."
Their argument from the day before seemed to have been forgotten by them both. What had happened that day, in the grand scheme of things, it seemed to be an unspoken agreement between the two of them that it didn't really matter.
His eyes closed after that and she couldn't imagine how tired he was. They were quiet for a little while after that before he spoke up first.
"I want to marry you," he said simply, eyes still closed.
She shot her head up from where it was resting on her arm, unsure if she heard him correctly.
"What?"
"I got shot and life is short and I want to marry you," he said firmly opening his eyes now to look at her.
She laughed. "You're drugged up," she had a cautious smile on her face. "You realize we've only been together for a few months, right?"
"That doesn't make me any less sure," he shook his head slightly. "Drugged or not, when you know you know."
His eyes were closed again but his head was turned towards her, and he had the smallest of smiles on his face. One you wouldn't be able to see if you weren't looking closely.
"Ok," she said, resting her own head back down as well.
She figured he was sleeping when she answered and the conversation would be forgotten anyway but the small squeeze he gave her hand in his may have told her otherwise.
a/n
i've really been lacking motivation lately so i just want to say thank you to all the loyal readers who always vote and comment - i appreciate you guys more than you'll ever know 🤍