I waited for time to heal me, counted on it every day but it wouldn't, and I couldn't stop thinking about him, he haunted my dreams and when I woke he was there too
A week before graduation mom had set out a dress of hers on my bed when I had refused to go out and get something with her
She'd told me I looked beautiful
I nodded at her; I'd stopped doing so much talking
''Are you coming?'' dad called out
''give us a minute'' mom said surprising me
''Okay Emily, talk to me'' she said when she decided it was safe to talk without any interference
''I have nothing to talk about mom'' I said reaching for the door
She anticipated this and pressed her back against the door
''Were not leaving until you talk'' she asserted
I glared at her then settled on the chair no intention of talking
Dad called again, and mom sighed unlocking the door so that I could slip out
Mom didn't say much after that but I felt her watch me, I heard her mumbling to dad behind closed doors, they were worried about me, all people seemed to do was worry about me it was annoying, I just wanted to be alone
I didn't think so much of Finn, but merely the role he played in my life, I visited him religiously, but I had gone so much times that I had sort of forgotten why I had initially started going in the first place
I'd go and lie in the cemetery field next to Finn's tombstone, and talked to lord knows who, it was the only talking I'd seemed to be doing at all lately.
I guess I hadn't thought it through, and I had fallen asleep there once, and mom and dad had searched for me like crazy, until the cemetery's grounds man found me and had called mom to come and get me
After that incident mom and dad started arguing again, threatening me with therapists and mental asylums, I hated them for making me feel psychotic, when all I was, was just fucking sad.
And just when I least expected it, there it was out in plain sight waiting for me to grab it and make it mine
Hope.
There comes a time when your body begins to fight back because just like our physical selves can only take so much, the same applied with our mental state of mind
Funny how this day happened to be Finn and mine's anniversary for the first day we had met, I knew this because Amanda had told me so many times that date the date; we'd go to our first party together
I had come home from work at the café that day, Matt was at school, dad at work and there was mom regarding me, her eyes following me across the room, tracking my every move like a predator sizing up its prey.
That had been all she seemed to do lately; watch me
It felt as if the frequency in the room had been turned up to the highest and all I heard was zinging and pure oblivion, next I felt my body grow heavy and an excruciating pain well up in my chest and throat, forcing me to feel and embrace
Mom caught me before I fell
There it was my tears, coming down, pouring, racking through me
And I cried, and cried until I was certain my eyes could not produce any more water in the form of tears
Mom sat with me, rocked me in her arms as I cried my tear tank empty
It had been the first time since Finn's funeral that I had cried
''Emily, I'm here, talk to me please, I can't watch you go on like this'' she said her voice shaking as if my pain caused her pain
I couldn't talk my voice was croaky
She pleaded
''I don't know how to mom'' I added honestly
Mom held my face in her arms
''Try to, Em you're breaking me, I can't stand to see you go on like this it hurts me to see you hurt this much'' she said
I wanted to be biter; I sort of wanted her to feel what it was like when she had shut me out the first time
Which is exactly why I just had to bring it up
I scoffed
''When I needed to talk to you, you were not there, you were too busy out gallivanting getting drunk, so I don't think your heart could be that broken'' I croaked indignantly
Mom jerked back like she had just been slapped in the face
'''That's unfair'' she responded
''how so? Mom I needed you then, and you decided to make yourself missing because absence was the easier choice''
''I'm sorry –'' she exclaimed'' I'm sorry for screwing up, I'm sorry that I don't know what I'm doing''
I stayed silent because I could tell she wasn't done
''I know I fucked up Emily, you think I don't know that, it's like I'm watching myself ruin your lives and not know how to do anything about it
''you don't ruin anything mom'' I added softly
''it's like it doesn't matter how hard I try I'm always making the wrong choices, and it kills me because I can't go back and change it''
''I get it mom, parenting isn't easy, and I'm not a parent so I would never understand '' I state bitterly ''but to me this sounds like more excuses, I mean mom c'mon''
''I'm sorry baby'' she added
''stop it! Stop pretending to be a victim, it doesn't erase or justify the fact that you've been having affairs''
Mom froze
''but who am I? It's to do with dad and you'' I remarked snarkily
''no its not'' she muttered
''you hurt me with your selfish choices'' I yelled
Mom looked at me shocked
''You think I've had affairs?'' mom asked so quietly I could have mistaken it for shock
No way was I falling for this desperate charade
''Yes mom I'm not stupid'' I added exasperated
''I'm so sorry you thought that'' mom said, a tear slipping from her eye
I was almost fooled
''Mom I know what I've seen''
''And what did you see?'' she asked wiping at a tear
I couldn't believe this, was she serious right now?
I shot her a really look ''Men in the house, and my teacher, I don't know what do you want me to say mom?''
Tears were flowing freely down her cheeks now
''I'm so sorry honey''
''I don't think it's me who need the apology, I'm not the other person in this marriage''
''I've never cheated on your father –''
''Mom please – '' I cut her off
''Listen to me –'' she ordered, and I obeyed ''I mean sure we got married young and naïve we hadn't known what we were doing at the time and we weren't as compatible as we had initially thought''
I had no idea where this was going
''You know me, and you know your father, he can be distant at times – ''
Oh how I longed to roll my eyes
''So I looked for companionship, -''
My brows shot up involuntarily
''Friendship Emily, I've often needed someone to talk –''
''You can't possibly try and make me believe that'' I cut her off snarkily
She gave me a disdainful look
''I'm not asking you to believe me, I'm just telling you my truth, which is that these people have been my childhood friends from before I was married, so sure, I've spoken to men, I didn't sleep with them, which of course still isn't right because I'm married and I'm supposed to find comfort in my husband, but your father just makes it so damn hard to even speak to him..'' she paused fleetingly before carrying on ''but I guess it's my own fault because you go out gallivanting with men that's what people assume, it's just I've always found that men are easier to talk to than women ''
She wiped her tears
I didn't want to believe this, what about all the men she had brought into our house when dad wasn't here?
Mom looked to me, sadness dancing in her eyes
''And what of my teacher that you got fired?''
She didn't answer, as if she didn't recall my teacher that she had gotten expelled
''Oh no honey, he was an idiot, one awry parent-teacher meeting, he said I had led him on- ''
'''Did you?''
Mom looked to me shocked
''no I fucking didn't! He was a pervert given, so I reported it, him getting fired serves him right'' she barked, then softened her tone ''I know I've neglected many of my motherly duties but I swear Emily I want you to have a good life one where you're happy and content, and not haunted by the mistakes of others – ''
I shut my eyes and leant into her chest, listening to her heart beats beneath my ear
''I know your dad and I aren't good examples for you or your brother –''
''then why don't you leave him, he hit you?'' I said
'' I've never asked you how to love –''
''Mom, abuse is abuse''
''There are worse things –''
She was unbelievable
''like what? Being stabbed to death?''
''don't be dramatic, all marriages come with their challenges, I believe that's something you can choose to work through, I married your dad, it wasn't forced on me, I chose him, and I'm still choosing him''
''choosing an abuser''
''he has anger issues, you know this, and it wasn't intentional and he has apologized for it, he won't do it again, he feels bad as is''
I couldn't argue with mom, she was convinced she was right
''we both come with our flaws, but we've made it this far''
''You shouldn't have to settle mom'' I said earnestly
''I have settled, I'm not complaining but I'd do it over and over again for you guys''
''mom- ''
''But you must not settle, and I pray one day your prince charming comes along when you're ready and he is everything and so much more –''
''I'm not interested –''
''Not now, yes but that's because you're young, I just don't want you to make the same mistakes I have'' Mom added hastily
I could have been a pain about it, made it worse, made her angry, it was after all my superpower to make peoples blood boil with curdling anger
And although it was known that I seemed to use this superpower when I really shouldn't have used it like now for example was a typical example of a perfect time to use it, but also if there were a time to give up this power, it was now
And that's exactly what I did
''My parents separated when I was just a few years older than you, and it had been terrible, It also drove a wedge through the family we had fought so hard for, I wouldn't want that to happen to you kids''
I knew a good person would have insisted that dad had hit mom and that was a pretty big deal and a good enough reason for your parents to separate, but I was also selfish and I wanted a family
''I'm not idealizing mine and your fathers marriage, but we both came with our own individual personalized flaws''
Mom had made it abundantly clear then that she was sorry for everything, and she would never want me to feel like I couldn't talk to her about anything
It's the intention that had been there
I didn't tell her about Finn, I didn't tell anyone about Finn, it was like a secret between Finn and I; what we had
Well that was the one reason, the other being that everyone wanted me to talk, not because they wanted to listen, but because it seemed like something interesting to hear, a source of entertainment, and if I were going to entertain it would be on my own terms